Dr. Andrea and The Cases of Post-Vasectomy Sex Pain + The Ellusive Zoloft Orgasm

Welcome to today's installment of Ask Dr. Andrea.  Dr. Andrea is the IBWMW Doctor-at-Large, which is a good thing because the blog spends WAY too much time googling various "symptoms."

Dr. Andrea is a total bad-ass--not only because she's an osteopath at the Center for Sustainable Medicine, with specialties in women's/sexual health, nutrition and Ayurveda--but because she takes time out of her busy schedule (which I imagine involves lots of yoga and kale juice) to answer our questions.*

Dear Dr. Andrea:

I have been a reader of IBWMW for a few years. My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years – married for 6. I am 28. He is 31. He had a vasectomy in 2011. 

Our sex life is different than most (at least I think so). We are only having sex once or twice a month. I wish it was more frequent. When we do have sex I am satisfied – always able to have at least one orgasm and we try just about every position. No complaints about the actual sex.

Since his vasectomy he has slowly admitted to me that he has a lot of pain after sex. He understood it was a risk at the time of surgery. This pain has impacted our sex life in that I don’t feel he enjoys sex as I would like him to. I know that after he knows when I’m “done” he anticipates the pain and is not as hard. I think his inner monologue is something like this: “Ok. She is satisfied. Oh shit! This will be painful!”  I feel badly for him that he does not enjoy things as I do. I am extremely open to discussion but he is a bit more private when verbalizing his sexual needs.

Is there anything we can do to decrease pain? Is there something we can try to help accept the sensation of pain? Meditation? Icing? Breathing? Any insight would be very much appreciated.
--Anoymous
 

Dear Anonymous- 

First off let me express my condolences- this is a tough situation. Any time sex causes pain instead of pleasure can be really difficult physically and psychologically for both partners. 

The first thing I would suggest is going to a really good Urologist- perhaps whoever did his vasectomy if he had a good rapport with the doctor. Ordinarily I would love to suggest holistic or alternative things, but post-surgery several things can happen that need to be evaluated, especially since some of them can be treated so that the pain goes away entirely. 

In the meantime, here is what is likely happening--the sperm have to go somewhere when the vas deferens is cut, so sometimes they build up in the epididymis or in the surrounding tissue and cause chronic pain. If it's happening only during sex or upon ejaculation, it could be partially a positional issue from the muscles around the testicles tensing up right before ejaculation and then the extra pressure of some sperm being released and backing up in the tube (or leaking out and irritating surrounding tissue). 

Some urologists suggest trying ibuprofen, but that would likely work best for the chronic (meaning pain all the time) version. Although it's definitely worth a try. Take the suggested dose an hour or so prior to having sex (assuming you have no allergy to ibuprofen, no stomach bleeding or irritation problems, no high blood pressure, and no kidney issues, etc... of course!) and see if it helps. 

Surgery-wise, they can go back in and clean it up, or remove the epididymis of the side that's most painful, or remove any granulomas or scar tissue that have formed that might be causing positional/ejaculation pain. 

Also, reversal of the vasectomy almost always ends the pain if it's due to one of the above issues. But that requires some definite verbalization of what you're each needing and wanting as a form of birth control and how it affects your sex life. I always try to promote positive thinking in sticky situations--perhaps this issue will help open up the dialogue between the two of you and create more pleasure on both sides. Good luck, let me know how it goes and what works!

 --Dr. Andrea

*******

Dear Dr. Andrea:

I take 150 mg of Zoloft daily and experience the common side effect of having a harder time reaching orgasm.  I'm sure the 3 or 4 drinks I may have also had don't help.  Is there anything I can do to speed up the orgasm (for my wife's benefit, not so much mine) other than not drink?  What if I also smoke a little pot the same evening, how does that impact my issue?  Would it help if I skipped my daily Zoloft dose on the days I think I'm getting lucky?  Thanks.
 A.K.

Dr. Andrea on the Safety of Oral Sex and the Comfort of Anal Sex. For other kinds of sex, you're just gonna have to wing it.

Doing this? You're on your own.

Welcome, possibly troubled Gentle Reader, to today's installment of Ask Dr. Andrea. For you new subscribers (thank you!!!), Dr. Andrea is the IBWMW Doctor-at-Large, which is a good thing because the blog is a bit of a hypochondriac.

Dr. Andrea is a total bad-ass--an osteopath at the Center for Sustainable Medicine, with specialties in women's/sexual health, nutrition and Ayurveda--and I can still scarcely believe this, she's still willing to take our questions.*

************

HPV is in the news as causing throat cancer in Hollywood stars. Is it a danger to a, say, 57-year-old het? And if they can immunize kids against it, can they immunize adults? Oh, and if they can, why aren’t they offering it? Cost? Liability? We’re already doomed?

Dr. Andrea: Throat cancer is a danger to anyone who's ever had oral sex, including having had a penis in his or her mouth (especially one without a condom on it.). The reason HPV (the kind that, say, likes living on penises) loves the back of the throat, is that there are tonsils there ( = lots of folds and crevices to hide in) and the back of the tongue also has lots of bumps and stuff stuck to it (bad breath bacteria, adenoid/tonsil-like blobs, etc. yum. :/ ) that make for a lovely spot for HVP to stick.

As for immunizing adults- sort of. The vaccine seems to work well for females up to age 25 and males up to age 21. The thing is, once you've been exposed to the viruses, the vaccine we have doesn't seem to do much so it's recommended to be given before the first sexual encounter for best prevention. I wouldn't say we're doomed exactly, but prevention does seem to be our best (only?) weapon at the moment. That and decreasing risk by having fewer number of partners (the risk tends to go up the more you've had), not also having HIV, and using protection (although condoms aren't 100% especially if the skin that has the virus in it is outside the condom). The good news is, despite throat malignancies in general being pretty terrible, spread seems to be slightly rarer with HPV types, and treatment seems to be working as well as it can be expected to, with the usual gnarly side effects, but still not as bad as possible. Sorry for a not Mary-Sunshine answer, but you did ask about throat cancer. :/ [see also: this NYT article]

We are exploring open arrangements. What STIs are men at risk for when performing oral sex on women? (I'm as open to precautions as anyone, but sorry, dental dams are like I'm having oral sex with a love doll. And that I can do at home, alone. I mean, if I did that kind of stuff. )

The simple answer is: all of them. I guess I'm not being very Mary-Sunshine on this one either.  The reality is that beyond monogamy, things get statistically way more risky. I would suggest choosing partners and weighing risks of this idea carefully, discussing it again with your main partner at regular intervals to make sure you're both ok with it, and have full testing done on everyone before you are physically intimate with each new partner. And of course, do a thorough visual inspection of each partner before intercourse. [IBWMW note: I am immaturely picturing one of those miner's caps with a halogen light for said visual inspection.] Complicated, yes, but this is the world we're in- it's not just HIV, HSV, gonorrhea and chlamydia, but even bugs like syphilis are making a huge world tour comeback. Be safe out there!

****

My husband and I are interested in trying anal sex, but our attempts so far have been much too painful even with copious amounts of lubricant. Fingers are fine, and a tapered dildo smaller than my husband's penis, but any attempts with his penis are excruciating. I've not found any advice that was specific enough to help, just generalities about 'relaxing.' Any ideas?

Honestly, for some people, anal sex is not pleasurable. But it sounds like you've done a great job of trying various versions of it, easing yourself into it, and being creative, so what is the motivation for this if it's not an workable progression that is fun for you both? If the smaller items are pleasurable for you, it could simply be a size issue, which could be worked on (using increasingly larger sizes for a few weeks) along with relaxing breathing exercises to remind your body you are safe and shut down the sympathetics that may be causing reflexive tightening. (p.s. that can work for mild cases of vaginismus or size differences also. Think SLOW- slowly increase dimensions, use very slow movements). Just take it easy as you don't want to stretch yourself permanently or tear anything- pain may be an indicator that that's about to happen.

Aside from general cleaning preparation and lubricant, generally that suffices if it is going to be a pleasure-inducing activity. That said, this next part isn't directed at you necessarily, but in general, the psychological aspects of anal sex can be more pronounced than with vaginal sex (especially for women, in my experience with patients), which can be related to, yes, 'relaxing,' but also deeper sorts of things like vulnerability in general, and letting go completely of control and security to trusting the other partner. My suspicion in this case is that this is a size issue, but looking at your motivations and desire to do it in the first place (when it's excruciatingly painful) might be helpful too- there are many many things to try other than anal sex if it's not doing it for you.
 
Let me know if you figure out a way to make it happen and it's great--I'd love to hear about that for future patients!

-Dr. Andrea 

****
Say 'thank you' to Dr. Andrea everybody!  And remember, send questions in a comment below, an email or using the (fully operational!) contact form in the right margin.

Btw, the anal sex question reminded me of a time Sandra and I were pervishly browsing the "sex" section at a book store and saw a book called something like "Anal Sex, Volume 2."  I wish we would have looked inside it because it was a HUGE book. They must have been doing lots of padding to come up with that much anal sex info, perhaps adding pages and pages of anal sex word searches or something.

Now, I am not an anal sex expert (though I am, as I like to brag, an Anal Bleaching Expert) but it seems to me that there is not *that* much to know about the topic. Surely not two volumes worth? Perhaps an anal sex pamphlet could've done the trick. Or, fuck, maybe even just an informative haiku. Which I have thoughtfully provided here. Clip n' save to consult in times of need. 

Anal Sex, A Haiku

Want some anal sex?
Here's what to know: Use lots of 
Lube and go real slow. 

xoxoxo
jill

*(Note: This is NOT a substitute for individual medical advice or care. So if Dr. Andrea tells you to stick a rusty tin can up your butt or something, check with your doctor first. Go on, check with them. I dare you.)

(photo courtesy of my beloved Lady Cheeky)

Matthew Stillman's "Genesis Deflowered" and Other Readers Out Doing Stuff

While my primary accomplishment today was drinking an entire pot of coffee, IBWMW readers are out there making %&*% happen.

--Consider longtime Friend of IBWMW Matthew Stillman. He just released the book, Genesis Deflowered --a tarting up of the King James version of the Bible, written in the same language. (i.e. "Sedeqetelebab did pray for strength in the staff of Shem; and she did find her heart there.")

The idea wasn't so much to make Bible smut, but to start a conversation about religion and sex, in a scholarly sort of way.  “Religion and love get along incredibly well, but religion and sex don’t,” said Stillman in this interview with Fox News. “There is sort of this flirtation they have in the Bible, and so I felt that to be able to feel this more deeply and to speak it in the original Elizabethan English would be a way to have that conversation happen and have people connect to it in a new way.”

Even though his project was completely over my head and I was a terrible support team, pretty much only offering a "Yes, you go on and write that book" as my "help," Stillman dedicated the damn thing to me. So feel free to order a copy or two of Genesis Deflowered and throw a few shekels his way.

More at Chaffyn.com

--Meanwhile, longtime IBWMW Big Daddy Chaffyn has been working--mad-scientist-like-- on a IBWMW University site which grows stranger each day.  Right now, he reports, it's "feral, fetal, prenatal, unfit for human consumption."

In the meantime, Chaffyn had this to say about the post on Authentic Happiness.

"Anyone with an IQ above a fish (and fish are naturally happy) who isn't astounded perpetually by the miracle and luck of their amazing sentience and who isn't grateful for this brief chance to live on this gorgeous, fragile rock in the freaking middle of NOWHERE and who doesn't understand that there are far too few hours in each day to completely take care of what should be a plethora of interests and explorations, practice their native skills, create or appreciate something jaw-dropping beautiful, watch a tiny spider weave a web, make sure their friends are laughing and that the despondent ones get a few strokes, dote on their mate, stir up a couple of very tasty meals has got problems I don't know how to fix and I can fix just about anything. Oh, I didn't mention doing the laundry, folding it, and putting it away. Good grief. People are bored???"

Which, yes, yes, well said. See more of and/or order Chaffyn's artwork here.

--And finally, reader T wrote this response to True Husband's Tale, "Having no intimacy with her for 23 years is killing me."

My story is similar (37 year marriage) but rather than “vulvodynia” my wife suffers from depression and alcoholism.  Things changed after our daughters were born in the early 1990s.  My wife is angry that I did not know she was having problems back then.  But she did a good job of hiding it, I was busy trying to make a small business successful against difficult odds.  I could have been a more understanding partner.  When I asked about the no sex situation, I became a pig in her eyes.  She thought my only concerned was “getting some”.  I have never been able to make wife understand the deep emotional and spiritual connection that grows from intimacy.  She was raised to be a good Catholic girl that did not do whorish things – ever.  In her mind anything sexual is whorish.  The more I tried to fix our relationship, the worse it got.

I have been researching ours and other troubled relationships over the past 10 years.  Everyone asked, “When will you fix yourself?”  About 2 years ago I finally “got it” that I could not fix my wife.  I could only fix myself.  I needed to wake up to the fact that our sex life was over.

I’m 62 years old.  My mother and my wife’s parents are all in their 80s (and damn close to their 90s).  I see old age up close and personal every day.  It is sad and scary.  I will be there in 20 years and if I’m going to enjoy my life – I had better get busy.

This is only a test

Wish I was here

Fuck, I miss you all. Working to make money blows.  I don't recommend it at all.

Anyway, a few wee things.

1.  Dr. Andrea is in. Now, I am quite sure that every one of you aren't completely free of embarrassing health issues, sexual problems, genital questions and such. This is a chance to get your question answered by a real doctor, for FREE and anonymously (except for all of us, you know, reading about your itchy wiener or whatever). Man--or chick--up and send your question to: jillhamilton001@gmail.com or test out the snazzy new contact form at lower right and let me know if it works.

2.  Expert Predict Sexbots Will Be Part of Our Lives by 2050 is my latest article in DAME magazine. Go on over and give it some love if you will. Worst thing I discovered: Some sexbots are available for RENT.

3.  Some lady sent me this comment/unsolicited advice on Facebook: "Please try to use 'polyandrous' instead of 'slutty'. Thank you."  It was the preemptive "thank you" that got me, as though I'd be heeding her advice. 

4.  Naomi Wolf is now following me on Twitter. Squee.

5.  I was happy to see that some of you bought the aforementioned Naomi Wolf's book  Vagina: A New Biography via the Amazon link at right. Will love to hear what you think. (My 11 year old saw me reading it--as my daughter, this is her cross to bear--and goes, "Hey, what's that book about? VAGINAS?")

6. Someone also used the Amazon link to purchase "Cottonelle Ultra Comfort Care Toilet Paper, Mega Roll Economy Plus Pack, 27 Count," which means that in that person's brain there is now a tiny, tenuous neurological link between the blog and their mega/plus/ultra toilet paper needs. I am tentatively happy about this.

7.  And speaking of overly dramatic toileting-related product adjectives, my current favorite is Fresh Step Extreme Odor Control Scoopable Clumping Cat Litter.

No more Purina Hot Pockets cat food for you, little kitty

I am not a package designer but, really, trained professionals sat in on probably countless long meetings and not one person thought it was a bad idea to mark up the package with the words "EXTREME URINE & FECES"? In big-ass red letters? We are plenty crass in this country, but I think "odor control" would've worked just fine.

8. 8, 8, I forgot what 8 was for.

9.  Don't forget about your Dr. Andrea question...

xoxox
jill

(gorgeous photo from Lady Cheeky,)

Reader Mail Friday on Monday. Just Because.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

And so we say good-bye, for now, to Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating.

Beauty Hole Ass Vagina inspired Indolent to create...this.

The winner of the "Is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating an ass? Or a vagina?" Contest is...Indolent.

Indolent wins because he or she tried so darn hard. Not only did they provide this excellent answer--

"But why must it choose one? You're trying to force an identity on it not of its own desire. Doing that, you're liable to give it self-esteem issues, and maybe even some sort of disorder! (I would say an eating disorder, but a mouth seems to be the one orifice it's not trying to be.) You should praise it for its unique sensibilities, its individual contributions to the world, rather than trying to make it conform to a preconceived notion of normal. You should let it know that, no matter what else, it is a Beauty. Ass, vagina, egg, all are irrelevant. The important thing is to accept it for itself, to allow it to forge its own destiny, to reach the heights of splendor by its own path. (Perhaps not unmolested, but at least unhindered.) It is Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating, and it is Beauty."

--which could have won just for the mention of the often-overlooked Beauty that is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina, as well as the sentence "Perhaps not unmolested, but at least unhindered."

But THEN, Indolent came back a few days later, with another comment, plus a link to the artistic work shown above left.

"In an attempt to answer this question for myself, I have drawn a picture. It would appear that it is, in fact, possible for this to resemble a vulva. However, the unfortunate possessor of said vulva managed to get half of herself hit by a shrink ray, causing everything to become grotesquely out of proportion."

The best part is that the png file is called "I will never admit I drew this."

Well Indolent, if you want your prize, the possibly fabulous Pirouette Waterproof Vibrator from Good Vibrations, you're gonna have to admit it, at least to me. Drop me an email with your mailing address and soon you'll be opening a benign-looking package with a nice twisty vibrator inside.

And, if you didn't read the other answers people submitted, go back and have a look. Everyone (almost) is so fucking smart and funny and possibly over-educated/underemployed, it makes me beam with pride. Go on, look--what other place offers you fellow readers that are equally comfortable using the terms "cloaca" and "assgina"?

I will leave you today with this perhaps divinely-inspired meditation on Beauty Hole Ass Vagina from reader EB.

While this is a highly complicated question, I find it be philosophically interesting in the same way that cloudwatching is philosophically interesting: to each person, the result may be different but at the same time, if you have truly connected to the person viewing beside you, you may see the same bunny-shaped cloud. Therefore, the question is not "is it an ass or a vagina" but rather, is it an ass or a vagina to both you and the person you are viewing it with? If it is the same, the benefits of this are clear--but if it is different, this is an opportunity for growth for both of you as you explore the whys and wherefores of the difference. Therefore, this question could be the very basis for the deep and lasting development of a special relationship, making the question itself not nearly as relevant to the journey to its answer. 

xoxoxo
jill

(art by Indolent)

Contest! Win a velvety twirly vibrator! Just answer an unanswerable question!

Your challenge:

Is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating an ass....or a vagina? Explain. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating.

As you may recall, we know that its package contains "1x big ass" so that might provide a clue. On the other hand, we also learned that it boasts "the feeline of mridens's skin" which tells us...um, well, that's for you to decide.

Winner, as chosen by the vagaries of my ever-changing whims, will be announced Tuesday, May 28, 2013.

The prize:

Formal portrait of purple Pirouette with blue friend

This fabulous Pirouette Waterproof Vibrator from the sexually empowered folk at Good Vibrations, who maybe will continue to give us free stuff if some of y'all get your butts and other toy-needing orifices over there and buy something.

Here's Pirouette's blurb:
Offering a new twist on vibration stimulation, this waterproof vibe features a spiraling shaft, creating a contoured surface to add a textural element to penetration play. The super-smooth velvety exterior feels sensationally soft against the skin while the simple dial control lets you adjust the intensity to suit your sensual needs.

Sounds good, yes?

So get your brain on this:  Ass? Or vagina? Ass? Or vagina?

xoxo
jill

P.S. In Bed With Married Women is now the top rated humor blog for Amazon Kindle--thanks to YOU! Which translates not to highest sales. That would go to a blog called "Joke of the Day," perhaps because it's incredibly hard to unsubscribe from. Here's a review of Joke of the Day:

"it was terrible and it comes up EVERYDAY on your homescreen. i suggest NOT to buy this blog. for one reason it is a waist of money on this silly blog and my other reason is because, the jokes are inappropriate and have NO funny part of them.

Exactly! Don't waist your money on silly things with no funny part of them, switch to IBWMW today.


(photo)

Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating

This is like the third time this has happened, but I was looking up the Amazon link for Naomi Wolf's book Vagina: A New Biographyfor a post I always claim I'm going to write, but somehow never do, and AGAIN I went completely off-track via some other enchanting vaginally-related product (see also: my Jezebel-disapproved post Vagina Panty).

Beauty Hole Ass Vagina

This time it was Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibratingprimarily because it's called BEAUTY HOLE ASS VAGINA WITH EGG VIBRATING.

Not quite familiar with what a Beauty Hole Ass Vagina can do for you? Let's have a look at the product description:

This lifelike masturbator.sexy inviting. Make materials use the latest simulation material, virtual touch that is with an extremely realistic feel,like that of the human body,if you close your eyes and touch the material,you can't tell the difference between it and human body. The comfortable handheld size also allows you to control the tightness as you are enjoying every last inch of the amazingly lifelike penetration! The Sleeve Sensations Thruster is ready for action any time or place you need a release!Sex toys bring more erotic pleasure to the world!Body Massager!Gentle or strong,Its up to you!Enjoy your happy life everyday!

I like how it's not just a product description, but also includes a guilt-reducer ("sex toys bring more erotic pleasure to the world") as well as the random exhortation  to "Enjoy your happy life everyday!" It's fine advice, but perhaps, well....unexpected in an product description for a disembodied Ass Vagina thing.

Anyway there's more:

Package include:
1x big ass
1x vibration bullet (batteries not include)

I heard nothing previously about this "big ass" but, to make sure you're not getting ripped off, please ensure that 1x big ass is indeed included with your package.

It also says this:

• Size: about L13.6 x W9 x H6 (cm)
• high qurlity tpr materibl
• the feeline of mridens's skin

Which is....pretty fucking mystifying. Though perhaps not as much as the fact that there are only 2 of these Beauty Hole Ass Vaginas (new, thankfully) available for sale. Why only 2? Seems like if you were taking the time to get out the Beauty Hole Ass Vagina-Making Machine, you may as well set it to 50 or, hell, even 100.

And why is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina accompanied by a link for Adult Size Authentic Mexican Sombrero? What is the connection?

At the bottom of the screen, there is a little "ASK" box with the question "What do you want to know about Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating?"

But, you know what?  I am not going to ask. I think that, perhaps, there are some things we are just Not To Know. Let's leave the haunting mysteries of Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating to the ages.

xoxo
jill

ps If you're feeling it, see my DAME article on a dating web site for men with penises 7 inches or bigger.  Thank you to the Facebook IBWMWers (catchy? yeah. so not.) who helped in framing the assignment.

pps THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to the people last month who purchased stuff through the Amazon link in the upper right corner of the blog, the one (1) dear soul who bought something via the Good Vibrations ad, and the IBWMW Kindle subscribers who faithfully shell out their 99 cents every damn month. You all warm my heart more than you'll ever know.

Sexual Edumacation

Couple demonstrating "sexual gateway activity"

Breaking news from my time machine that travels back to one week ago...

Reports Jezebel:  
Yesterday, the Ohio House Finance Committee's Republican members voted to adopt a state budget amendment that mandates an abstinence-only approach to sexual education....The idiotic measure will "prohibit the teaching of sexual education coursework that endorses non-abstinence as an acceptable behavior or promotes sexual gateway activity." "Sexual Gateway Activity" — what's that?: 

ORC 2907.01(B) “Sexual contact” means any touching of an erogenous zone of another, including without limitation the thigh, genitals, buttock, pubic region, or, if the person is a female, a breast, for the purpose of sexually arousing or gratifying either person.

In addition, teachers can't distribute contraceptives at school, because nothing keeps a teen not pregnant more than not giving them condoms.

***
So I want to be all mad about this, but not only am I far too aroused by the erotic writing of ORC 2907.01(B) to think straight, but the part of my brain that gets mad at people for being stupid does not want to become engaged with this.  Especially the thought that spawns of these Ohioans, made sexually ignorant by their mandated sex-free sex ed, will predictably--yawn--fuck incorrectly and poorly, but not poorly enough to prevent unwanted pregnancy, thus producing even more of their kind. And so on and so on.

Nope, I'm gonna look the other way today. To good things happening in sex education, which I would define as sex ed that provides, you know, education. (This does not include my own 1970's sex ed in Georgia which was taught by the gym teacher and involved lots of talk of vas deferens. I learned nothing about real sex. The whole good part--attraction, arousal, or hell, even a basic how-to--was dismissed with a vague reference to "the sperm meeting the egg.")

So, yes, good sex ed, like:

1.  The adult sex ed classes offered in San Francisco by Kink.com. They feature real life people demonstrating real life sex, orgasms and whatnot for the class.  

Writes Tracy Clark-Flory in My X-Rated Sex Ed Class:

It isn’t just a live sex show, though. Before any pants were removed, [instructor Madison] Young passed around a diagram of the g-spot, reviewed the anatomy, dispelled myths about female ejaculation and goaded the audience members into talking about how they liked to be touched. Then she whipped out a speculum and brought her model Ava, or “stunt pussy,” up to the front of the room. In went the clear plastic device and then Ava began to stimulate herself with a Hitachi Magic Wand in an attempt at making her g-spot swell and become more visible.

.....My mind was blown by this sex-ed class even before the squirting began — but that was plenty mind-blowing on its own. Ava got up on the table in front of the class, spread her legs and began stimulating herself with a Hitachi and a stainless steel g-spot stimulator. Young explained what we were about to see: “It’s the release of all the juicy fluid that’s building up in the para-urethral sponge … and then it pushes forth through the urethra.” Young answered audience questions over the buzzing of the toy and Ava’s growing moans. And then there was a sudden burst of clear ejaculate that splattered inches from my feet.

After a vigorous demonstration of hand techniques on a melon, Clark-Flory leaves not only with an unsettling image of Gallagher, but the realization that there is still so much to learn about our bodies.

...Even having grown up in hippie-dippie Berkeley, Calif., having attended a feminist-minded women’s college, having read about hand-mirror-toting consciousness raising circles, having ended up reporting on sex for a living, I had never clearly seen what the vaginal walls actually look like — at least not outside of an illustrated diagram. I tell you, it was a revelation: I wanted to hightail it to the nearest Good Vibrations and buy my very own speculum — and one for each of my ladyparts-having friends. It made me angry that all those times I’ve had a gynecologist uncomfortably perched between my legs, they’ve never offered to hold up a mirror.

2. Meanwhile, the French, who continue to do, well, life, better than the rest of us, offer their postpartum women free classes in la rééducation périnéale, or reeducating the listless post-baby pelvic floor muscles so that they can actually work again. The classes include biofeedback and a coach to help teach proper Kegel techniques.

Writes Claire Lundberg in  The French Government Wants to Tone My Vagina:

Despite the occasional embarrassment, these sessions actually work. There haven’t been extensive studies done, but what studies exist show that la rééducation significantly reduces incontinence and pelvic pain at nine months after giving birth. Frankly, I’m happy there’s a medical professional paying attention to what happened down there. Rééducation périnéale gets scoffed at in American and Canadian publications as one of the most lurid examples of the indulgent French welfare state, but as far as I can tell, we do exactly nothing in the United States to help women get back into shape after giving birth.

An American woman gets her six-week postpartum checkup and, if nothing is seriously wrong, she’s cleared to have sex again and sent on her way. If she’s lucky, the doctor or midwife reminds her to do her Kegel exercises, but without much guidance. Meanwhile, at least in the experience of many of my friends, she may still be experiencing a variety of symptoms that, while not medically serious, sure are annoying, embarrassing, and strange, and not at all conducive to reinvigorating her sex life. Elective “vaginal rejuvenation” through plastic surgery is on the rise in the U.S., though this surgical reconstruction is largely aesthetic and pays little or no attention to returning sensation or control to the woman. Americans’ lack of attention to the female body after giving birth is our own version of the modesty gown or the word vajayjay; we’re covering our eyes and pretending there’s nothing there to see, until it can no longer be ignored.

So yeah, there is good stuff happening. Just not right now, or last week for that matter, in Ohio.

xoxox
jill

(photo via Lady Cheeky)

Real Sex Lives: Nola, "I had an affair. Now what?"

This is the latest "True Wife's Tale," an IBWMW series about real people (doesn't have to be a wife despite "wife" being right there in the name) telling the truth about their sex lives. As I've tiresomely overstated, the idea is that knowledge=power, the truth will set us free and any other number of slogans I learned watching Saturday morning cartoons in the 1970s. In that spirit, don't be a Judgey Judgerson and be criticizing dear Nola's choices. You haven't walked in her moccasins (see above: life philosophy gleaned from 70s children's TV), so even if you think her moccasins are slutty, amoral moccasins, keep that $%$% to yourself.  Here then, is Miss Nola, or Ms. Nola, I suppose, since she's married:

I hadn't had sex with my husband for a year.  Which in a way was fine. Not the no sex part, which was soul-killing, but the "with my husband" part. We had been together a very very long time and sex, which had never been the focus of our relationship, had dwindled down over the years until our sex life was only definable by its absence.

When we used to have sex, it was...fine. Orgasms were had, equipment worked, words of love were exchanged. But it was never hot. Or creative. Or after a time, something that either of us seemed to want. At first this was okay--I had kids to raise, a job to do, books to read. But after I turned 40, I experienced some sort of rebirth and, for the first time in my life, felt my own sexuality. I felt free and sexual and full of life.  I tried to turn it back on with my husband. I'd ask him to have sex and though he seemed perfectly happy doing it, he'd never instigate. Whenever I tried to explore things a little further, I got the feeling I was making him uncomfortable.

Eventually I resigned myself to a sex life with my own hand. 

But still... I felt so ripe and ready. I looked at my body in the mirror and it was still good.  Maybe better than it had ever been. I wanted someone to appreciate the particular curve of my hip and the way my nipples poked out through my shirt. I wanted to be kissed well and hotly desired. I felt like my body and sexuality were going to waste.

This is the point where the old lover appears via Facebook. Mine did and he was just as hot and dangerous as ever. We exchanged insanely sexy texts, emails and pictures and had phone sex in which I came so loudly I was afraid the neighbors could hear. Back in college, Old Lover very blunt and very sexual. He would say things to me like "Your pussy is so wet" which, to me, accustomed to the earnestly fumbling boys I'd been with, felt so dirty and scandalous. I was so prissy then and the way he talked about sex and so relished it was incredibly freeing. 

Talking to him 20 or so years later, I felt the same freeing feeling about sex which--depressingly--I hadn't experienced since him. My body still reacted instantly and violently to him. To this day, he is the only person who can make me go wet just from the sound of his voice. I concocted elaborate fantasies to tell him on the phone, and as I whispered the details to him, I relished the way his breath would quicken, the way he would gasp out "You have me so turned on right now" and his moans as he came. Once I sent him a picture of my boobs while he was at work and he had to go into the backroom to jerk off. I loved how sexy and beautiful he made me feel.

So yes, not only was he making me feel hot and gorgeous and letting me see my body in a whole new light, but in talking about sex and sharing these fantasies, I was--finally!--getting to share my sex life with someone who was not me. Which I was, and for the rest of my life will be, incredibly grateful.

When we finally met in person, the sex was amazing. But not in the way I'd pictured. I thought it would be all dirty and elaborate, perhaps ending with me crawling around the floor or something. Instead it was pretty basic, some very sweet kisses, a lift of my skirt and in.

As he kissed me and slid slowly inside of me, I felt something that was beyond sex. I felt the most sublime squishy glowing pleasure I've ever felt. I don't know if he was shaped differently than my husband or was just bigger (yes), but his cock was touching me in some deep deep place, both metaphorically and literally. It was fucking profound.  Which I guess is the same thing as profound fucking, which it also was.  For me, it wasn't a tensing thing that would lead to orgasm (and in fact it didn't), but something that was beyond orgasm.  It didn't need to go anywhere because it was already there--in this amazing spot of squishy grand fuckiness and oh-god his scruffy cheek and sweet lips and floating in a sublime space that was like somehow existing inside an orgasm.

I couldn't do anything but clutch onto his big hairy shoulder and cling to him and feel just...gratitude.  Gratitude for him and for this incredible feeling he gave to me. It was the best moment of my life.

"I contain multitudes"--Song of Myself, Walt Whitman.

*****
Of course it ended badly. (Who could've seen that coming?) And I've done a lot of furtive weeping. But I don't regret any of it. I'm glad I'm jumped into the fire and got to feel that feeling. I got to live in passion and threw myself into life, fully and with an open heart.

*****
A few days after it ended and the weeping continued, my friend recommended I have a toss with my husband. We did and it was...decent. It did stop the weeping. And I realized that one of the things I'd been crying about was the idea of going back to a sex life alone. I saw that I could have pretty good sex, in home, with none of the emotional b.s. 

I'm still not sure if that's gonna be enough for me.

I have a little bag of sexy lingerie and some sex toys I bought when I thought I'd be going to see Old Lover again. Right now it's sitting unused under my bed. I'm thinking of it as my sexual Hope Chest.

Thank you to dear Nola and the rest of you who have been so honest and brave to share. If one of the rest of y'all has a tale to tell, rip your little heart out and send your story to: jillhamilton001@gmail.com.

xoxox
jill

(photo: Lady Cheeky)

Bill Gates and Condoms, A Big-Ass Tub o' Lube, Monsanto, and Other Notably Unrelated Things.

Improper condom use

When I lived in Ann Arbor, I wrote for a magazine section named "Tidbits." "Tidbits" is a terrible name. Tidbits are a low-end dog food, or possibly something you have to sweep up from a rodent's cage. When talking about my work, I would use convoluted verbal arrangements--much like this sentence itself--so as never to actually have to call the little blurby things I wrote "tidbits." Because I have my dignity, you know. Fucking "tidbits." Still hate it.

However, today's blurby post proves that although I am now far, far away from Tidbits, I still have some tidbitiness about me. (Sweep those up, will you?) But hell if I'll call 'em Tidbits. Here...let me think of a Theme. Let's see, the theme today is Things That Don't Go Together. Which is lame, but at least it's not Tidbit lame.

1. Bill Gates and Condoms
Emily sent in the financially important news that Bill Gates is offering $100,000 to the person who can design a better condom. The idea is this: Although condoms have been around at least 400 years, people don't really like them. Yes, they're cheap, easy and very effective in preventing STDs and pregnancy--so calm down, no one's saying don't use them or anything. However, they do feel kind of sucky and I think we can all agree that they look a bit ridiculous. (Pssst, not talking about you. You look sexy as hell in a condom. Your condom-encased penis looks absolutely nothing at all like a burglar wearing pantyhose over their face.)

Anyway, the idea is that you develop a condom that's somehow...better. Maybe it gives more sensation, maybe it's easier to put on, maybe it just looks mighty fine. All up to you.

What walks down stairs, alone and in pairs?

This ORIGAMI male condom is an example of what the Gates people consider to be an innovative condom. Besides that fact that it looks like it might make a pleasing SPROING noise, the folding design offers the following "advantages," according to its makers:

1. Easy donning method slides the condom onto the penis in 2.8 seconds.
2. Consistent expansion/contraction of the condom provides a natural reciprocating motion of the penis inside the lubricated condom.

Still, I think they still have a way to go aesthetically, and hell, perhaps the condom you design will go on in 2.7 seconds. However, if you are timing your own condom-donning, keep it to yourself or your partner will be gone in 5.4 seconds. Deadline to enter May 7, 11:30 a.m. Pacific Time.

2. Vinegar and Douche
A question for you: Why are there vinegar douches? Vinegar smells horrible.  There is no smell anyone's got going on down there that could be improved by adding vinegar to the mix. I get that vinegar's a weak acid (or I do now after Googling it) and it might have something to do with balancing flora or something, but is there no other weak acid to do the trick? Maybe a can of Sprite, or, hell, if you're shoving stuff up there anyway, how 'bout something inherently decent smelling like a basil leaf or an Altoid? (Btw, pretty much everyone besides the makers of Summer's Eve products agrees that douching is bad, unhealthy and not advisable. Especially using stinky-ass vinegar.)

3. Lube and Bulk Buying

The crush-worthy Firehorse_on_SL alerts us to the availability of this 55 Gallon Drum of Lube"Maybe a purchase for a very open-minded shopping club?" she suggests. It comes with a pump, weight 522 pounds and costs $1,235.94, which seems a bit steep, but the shipping is free so maybe it all works out. There are only "new" tubs available, which is probably for the best.

There are some semi-funny reviews over there--not anywhere near as good as the ones for the BIC Cristal For Her Pen (if you haven't seen them, go there at once) --and I am ashamed to admit that I laughed at one recommending the lube tub as being perfect for a session of schtupping the old, and presumably vaginally arid, Helen Thomas.

In case you're wondering, I just looked up the veteran newswoman to see if she was dead and she's not (Good news, Helen!), so I don't feel quite as bad. However, I don't want to malign her. Maybe ol' Helen is a tight and slick as...well, a Helen Thomas. "Oh God, watching you slide that Origami male condom on in 2.8 seconds is making me so...fucking...wet. Helen Thomas wet."

4. Monsanto and Sex Blog

I have a new piece up at DAME magazine, Monsanto: Six Truths and a Lie.  It's about the various dickish things Monsanto has done, which, upon researching, were actually more numerous and hideous than I'd ever dreamed.  Go on over and comment and/or share via Facebook or Twitter if you're feeling Fight the Powerish.

xoxoxo
jill

(umbrella image)

The Return of Reader Mail Friday, featuring "Insane Monster Bush"

"Did you mail that letter to Emma yet?"

1. The Russians like their Mom Porn

This is why I love my readers so. One among you, Tim, forwarded me a link from PornMD, which is a porn search engine where dear Tim coulda been looking up any weird-ass thing he desired, including such videos as "Bianca's Insane Monster Bush" or "This Ass Ain't So New Anymore."

But what tweaked his fancy was a nerdy sociological chart, Global Internet Porn Habits Infographic. There, you can click on a state or country and learn brain-clogging information such as "monster cock (gay)" is the second most popular search term in Kenya. Or that the more racist a southern state seems, the more likely "ebony" will be the most popular porn. Or that the people of the Czech Republic have a thing for "castrated shemales" and Icelanders like "prostate massage."

I also learned that it was a bad idea to click on the term "old man porn." Though, in hindsight, that probably should have been self-evident.

2. Happiness is a Warm Bum

Not sure what "healing" implies.

Meanwhile, lovely reader Christina sent in The 10 Worst Products for Men Ever Created which included such products--attention people of Iceland--the Prostate Gland Warmer. Apparently you stick the pointy end up your bum and the light bulb is there to...I don't know...to indicate to others that you've fired up the prostate warmer yet again?

Wrote Luis at Cracked: "We were rather discouraged to find out that the light bulb was not activated solely by the mighty electrical currents generated by a human rectum like a potato in a 4th grade science fair project." Indeed. I also kind of want the light to make that little sound Rudolph's nose makes when it lights up, but I think the Prostate Warmer technology of 1925 was not quite there.

3. "Hey Emma"

Finally, in response to the Vagina Panty! labiaplasty post, A MALE READER wrote in shouty caps.:

HEY EMMA: I READ SOMEWHERE THERE IS AREA NEAR NEW ZEALAND WHERE THE WOMEN ALL HAVE EXTREMELY LONG INNER LIPS.  THEY ARE CALLED HOT-IN-TOTs.  THE ARTICLE CONTINUES TO STATE THAT THIS IS GENETIC, ESPECIALLY IN THIS AREA.  CAN YOU EXPLORE THIS AND TELL ME IF I WAS FOOLED OR IS THIS A TRUE FACT?

Dear MALE READER,
Thanks for sending me off on a tangent of learnin'. Yes, people of Khiokhoi tribe in Africa were called Hottentots by European immigrants, though that is considered to be a derogatory term. They did and do have elongated labia and some employ stretching techniques to further lengthen their lips and enhance their sexual pleasure and desirability.

According to Wikipedia which, you know, may or may not be accurate, Stephan Jay Gould said, "The labia minora, or inner lips, of the ordinary female genitalia are greatly enlarged in Khoi-San women, and may hang down three or four inches below the vulva when women stand, thus giving the impression of a separate and enveloping curtain of skin."

The Europeans were aroused and fascinated with these women and their bountiful lips but, instead of just accepting that fact and seeing where it led them, they decided that such labia clearly indicated moral depravity, racial inferiority and all-around sluttiness.

Right, she is the morally depraved one.

The most famous Khiokhoi was Sarah "Saartjie" Baartman who traveled around Europe in the 19th century as a freak show performer so people could gawk in moral superiority at her long (though veiled) lips as well as her buxom booty, another clear indication of her wanton sexuality.

But that was all a long, long time ago.  And certainly nothing like the porn watchers of Alabama and Mississippi surreptitiously searching for their "ebony" action, right?

xoxoxo

jill, or possibly, emma

Six-Word Sexual Memoir Contest Winner

Six: A little review might be in order

The Six-Word Sexual Memoir Contest spawned over 50 entries and the unsettling knowledge that some among us are not the brightest of pennies. Said duller pennies include the more than one person who submitted a Six-Word story that was more like six-ish words, and me for not only not catching the 5 and 7 word entries, but sending them out into the world via Twitter and Facebook. (I mentally put the person who sent in a 4 word story into an even lower category because, dude, that's not even close.) Thank you to the sharp-eyed Stacey and Andy, now respectively the new IBWMW Minister and Deputy Minister of Word Countery.

The winner of the purportedly very charming Butterfly Bliss vibrator (courtesy of Good Vibrations) is:  Samantha.

The Butterfly Bliss and friend

Yes, I know I said I'd choose randomly because I'm not gonna judge art, blah blah blah, but here's Samantha's entry:

He is broken; I am frustrated.

So yes, obviously Samantha must win. But there were a ton (equivalent to 47 pounds, metrically) of great entries. Here are some of my favorites, but do go back and check out the original post if you want to see them all. 

Ophelia said...
Silent success, as dorm mate snored

Sandra Davies said...
Ignorance, insufficient imagination: inescapable, lifelong tedium.

Lizzies Valentine said...
precocious preteen found jewish erotica: eureka!

not exactly "Saint" Michael said...
Lonely, awkward. Learned women, happy now.

Anonymous said...
More often than not: my hand.

Yinna said...
After 30 seconds: "OH!...shit. Sorry"

Anonymous said...
involuntary virgin until marriage, always horny.

MySS said...
Good loving gone bad, New lover

Christina said...
Twenties, eh. Thirties, oh! Forties, YEA!

Just a girl said...
Multi-orgasmic. Need I say more?

tineke said...
Nice warm-up, too short, almost came :-(

lgettings said...
Experimentation nearly kills me. Lesson learned!

Stacey Shelton said...
Boys or girls?? I chose both.

Indolent said...
Too shy for reality; reads erotica.

Highly sexual woman said...
I am a slut. Love it!

Dicky Carter said...
No orgasm again, she buys dildo.

Wendy said...
Babies first, then bliss: Second marriages!

L said...
olfactory susceptibility drives brief inadvisable affairs.

fitzlurker said...
One spouse; too many other women.

Anonymous said....
Fake my orgasms, even when alone.

Anonymous said...
Online dating too frustrating. Home masturbating.


xoxox
jill

p.s. If you see one above with a non-six amount of words, please be my guest, and dub yourself an Honorary IBWMW Minister of Word Countery. Any sea captain can help you fill out the proper forms.

Contest: Write a Six-Word Sexual Memoir

6 words: See-though partner kinda freaking me out.

Now that we've mastered the delicate art of bad erotic haiku, we now move onto the Six-Word Memoir. The six-word memoir was popularized by Smith Magazine spurred by a challenge Hemingway was reportedly given to tell a story in six words. He wrote: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." (Although since Hemingway was known to leave his stories at a good stopping point so he'd be inspired the next day, perhaps the first day's draft read: "For sale: baby shoes, never...")  I told my 11-year-old about the six-word stories and she went off to her room, coming back with "Party after war--no one came." 

So yes, you can go all dark like Papa and my dear daughter, or you can take it whatever direction you'd like. My instructions are just this: write your sexual memoir in just six words.

The winner, chosen randomly, because who the fuck am I to judge your Art, man, will be announced Tuesday March 19.

The prize is this Play-Doh-looking Butterfly Bliss Silicone Waterproof Vibrator courtesy of Good Vibrations. This g-spot intensive, plus outer stimulation set-up, according to my sex toy-selling friend, is good. Damn good. So you might wanna work for this one. Or if you'd rather just buy your way into it, click here.

Leave entries below as a comment or drop me a line at: jillhamilton001@gmail.com.

xoxox
jill

(photo source: Lady Cheeky)