Wednesday, January 11, 2017

A Lover's Moan and Other Sounds of Sex

Jesus, that was good.
Really amazing sex gets you from every direction. Besides the whole crazy love/spiritual intoxicating chemical dump that's happening in your brain, truly great fuckery involves all your senses as well. I think that's why it's all so damn heady. I mean, all these completely intense inputs are hammering you at once. The particular delicious smell of your lover's neck, the sight of a body part swelling with desire for you, the taste of their upper thigh...oh god.  Plus the wild array of touches-- the slow sliding, out-of-control violent thrusting, fierce whole body throbbing ride that marks a really good fuck.

What I've been thinking about lately, though, are the sounds of sex. The sighs, the wet smack of a woman's arousal, a rasped plea, a lover's moan (is there anything better than the sound of your lover's moan?*), a primitive growl of lust, a passionate whisper or shout of your name**--all these sounds convey sublime feelings and pleasures that are literally unspeakable.

I once had a lover leave me a phone message of his orgasm. (If you are as into sound as I am, do this. Do this at once. God, it would kill me to listen to it even today!) He started off talking me through it, explaining what he was looking at (picture of my boobs, you nosy motherfucker) and how close he was to coming. But the catch in his voice told me how aroused he was much more than what he was saying. He described riding the edge of almost coming, as his voice became raspier and his breathing more ragged. His words grew incoherent, as he went toward, then through his orgasm, completely conveying the experience through sound alone. I could hear (and almost feel) the tension, the inevitability, the blinding orgasm, then the strong aftershocks. It was pretty fucking amazing.

Sex sounds are a whole other language, made of groans and gasps and breath patterns and non-verbal...I don't know...emoting. We might "mmm" a bit over food, or grunt as we hit a tennis ball, but it's nothing like the extended, intricate, primal aural communication we have during sex.

So why do we make these sounds during sex?

The science on the sounds of sex is pretty scant. British primatologist Stuart Semple recorded 550 baboon female "copulation calls"--which is not at all a weird way to spend one's time--analyzed their acoustic structure and found that the calls contained information about what point the female was in her reproductive cycle and the status of her partner. Humans might be subconsciously exchanging similar information. A 2008 study found that women's voices--as judged by impartial listeners--changed during their cycle, becoming "more attractive" during ovulation and "less attractive" during menstruation. (Insert bitchy period joke here.)

A 2011 study found that women often made "copulatory vocalizations" (this is really what they called them) to accompany their partner's orgasm. Why? Politeness and/or trying to get it over with. Reports Salon's Lucy McKeon in A Nation of Moaners:

Sixty-six percent reported making noise to accelerate their partner’s ejaculation. Ninety-two percent believed these vocalizations upped their partner’s self-esteem (87 percent reported vocalizing for this purpose). Other reported reasons included speeding things up, “to relieve discomfort/pain, boredom, and fatigue in equal proportion, as well as because of time limitations.”

I don't particularly care for this study because 1). they only used 71 women, and just asked them questions instead of measuring them during real sex with sort of scientific Copulatory Vocalizationometer. 2). Those results are depressing.

I dislike the idea of calculated sounds, designed to spur someone to orgasm or worse "relieve boredom." I much prefer the unbidden moan, the deep rich moan that rises spontaneously from some primitive place of dark-red wanting.

I'll leave you today with these words from a lawyer-turned-dominitrix describing her love of "finding" this moan in her lovers. Or as she puts it in The Vagina Monologues "Discovering the key, unlocking this voice, this wild song."

"I made love to quiet women and I found this place inside them and they shocked themselves in their moaning. I made love to moaners and they found a deeper, more penetrating moan...It was a kind of surgery, a kind of delicate science, finding the tempo, the exact location or home or the moan."
 
xoxoxo,
jill

*answer: no, there is not.
**Why is it so delightful to hear your name on your lover's lips during the throes of passion? Egotism, pretty much. From Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People: Principle #6 –Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

(Alfred Noyer, Paris 1920s)

49 comments:

The Blue Orchid said...

I really delight in my lover's verbal contribution during lovemaking. It's absolute gibberish but the chord is lovely because it's spoken on the wings of pure, unfiltered pleasure.

in bed with married women said...

Blue Orchid, good to hear. and thanks for the comment. this post is getting so little comment love i honestly thought the comment thing was broken.

uh, can't blame that now.

jill hamilton said...

btw, I'm not judging harshly for doing the whole-vocalizations-to-urge-your-mate-to-kinda-wind-it-up,because I have Totally done that.

Not with you.

Anonymous said...

I happen to be one of those vocal gals and find that my husband enjoys it. But my favorite are those moans that he makes the gasp or thrum of his "voice" that gives me the add note that he particularly likes something I have done.. The way that we can talk with out words about our shared pleasure,ales me more adventurous the next time and it keeps thing new as even after 10 years together.

Anonymous said...

That was supposed to say allows me to be more adventurous...

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous-- "thrum"...lovely

Anonymous said...

"...unbidden moan, the deep rich moan that rises spontaneously from some primitive place of dark-red wanting." Two parts erotica, one part Lovecraft. I simply adore this phrase.

More on-topic, my first real sexual attraction to Current Boyfriend (whom I had decided to date because he was so very obviously my type, and had by this point spend a lot of time wondering about kissing him) was when I got him to moan when giving him a backrub. He's a quiet boy under normal circumstances, and his capacity for vocalization surprised us both and titillated me greatly. He and I have since advanced our relationship and to this day very little gets me turned on like the sound of him moaning enjoyment into my skin. Personal favorite is when I'm passively receiving pleasure and he's into it enough to moan.

Spiffy McBang said...

"Principle #6 –Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language."

That seems so weird to me. I deplore it when someone who doesn't know me uses my name. I've said this to a lot of people and a fair percentage agreed. In bed, I've had moments where it was said as if she felt like it was a good idea to say my name just then, and that felt weird too. Even when it comes out naturally, it's not an especially hot thing. I dunno, I feel like I can't be the only one who doesn't get much out of it.

I mean, shit, if she's coherent enough to say my name, I figure I'm not working hard enough.

Anonymous said...

Incoherence! I forgot about the many splendors of incoherence. When very aroused, I have a tendency to develop a bad stutter (I'm actually very articulate in normal circumstances) and Current Boyfriend's name starts with R, which is extremely hard to pronounce when I'm stuttering... it's pretty funny in its own right. In post-orgasm shudders, I usually talk in strings of consonant sounds if I talk at all, and he, in his post-orgasmic high, says things like "Baoowwwwwzip?" It's really brilliant, haha.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous (why is everyone being Anonymous on this one): you made me do some learnin' b/c did not understand the Lovecraft reference. ps love the moaning into the skin.
Spiffy--Dude, that's 'cause your name is Spiffy. "Ohyesohyesohgod...Spiffy." It sort of stop things doesn't it? btw, I so get your hating of strangers using your name. My husband and I call it "Dale-ing" and it just seems so pushy and salesmanish.
Anonymous--Damn I should have called this the Many Splendors of Incoherence. why couldn't you have commented before I wrote this?

Spiffy McBang said...

If someone said, "Oh god, yes, fuck me Spiffy," that would be, until I die, the pre-eminent moment of my sex life.

Cinderita said...

I think this might possibly be one of the BEST things you've EVER written.

Anonymous said...

What's the word is for making sounds with the vocal cords and having no control over them with the speech part of the brain? Transcoherence?

My spouse has that.

ValdVin said...

What's the word for vocal cord activity totally uncontrolled by the speech center of the brain? Transcoherence?

My wife has that.

(May be double post; apologies if so.)

in bed with married women said...

Spiffy, "Oh god yes Spiffy fuck me." Well, there you go. Commnence with the rest of your life.
Cinderita--I loved it too. it was very sort of raw and personal to me. and after i ran it, i expected praise and money to rain from the skies. but in lieu of that, your comment is doing the trick.
ValdVin--will look it up. more learnin' to come.

David Quinones said...

Stumbled into this blog from Savage Love. But the real reason women make "copulatory vocalisations" is becuase its an evolutionary hold over from when we were a primitive tribal culture. According to the evolutionary bioligists in the book "Sex at Dawn", primitive human sex was as much about social ties, as it was procreation. So women being vocal during sex was a way to let nearby fellow tribesmen know that "sex was on". Too tired to explain more, but i recommend the book to anyone who's interested.

David Quinones said...

and then i look down a few posts and the OP has already recommended it. Nothing to see here, Move along.

in bed with married women said...

Ah David Quinones, I love Sex and Dawn as well as smart talk, so you're golden.

badfae said...

Other reported reasons included speeding things up, “to relieve discomfort/pain, boredom, and fatigue in equal proportion, as well as because of time limitations.”

Wow. I feel bad for those women. If I'm feeling discomfort, pain, boredom, or fatigue, I'm actually far LESS likely to make sounds.

I have one simple reason for vocalizing: what's happening feels really good. If it spurs my lover on (as hearing those noises myself does to me), then that's wonderful. I want them to feel good, too. With a lover I trust and am into, I see no reason to hold back.

The only exceptions to the "it just comes out" rule are when I'm giving necessary feedback--leg cramp, too hard, harder, faster, a little lower, that sort of thing--answering questions, or saying something naughty/encouraging because I think it might turn us both on even more.

badfae said...

*I meant to say, as hearing my lover's noises, myself, does to me.

aiden said...

I find it interesting that at www.LoveExpos.org they say that orgasms can be used to self heal bodies and expand minds. Someone has come up with a very interesting way to Self Heal and Expand Consciousness with Love Bursts.

Erotiblog said...

Very interesting post and fantastic writing.

Misty's Place said...

For starters, I love your blog! This has got to be my favorite post thus far and one I can relate to most. Just hearing the uninhibited, passionate, REAL, surprised noises my lover makes often just flat out does it for me. I can't explain it better than you did here, but yes, someone else gets it!!

Bobertchin said...

I love this post. I don't think enough people pay attention to the non-visual aspects of sex. For me, the sounds and smells of my lover are a huge part of the experience. I'm sure other guys feel the same way, since the study suggests that a lot of women are moaning just to help get a man off faster. But when you get those sounds that just squeek out, where you can hear the shock in the moment...it's bliss!

FreakyV said...

Once upon a time I was that woman that made sounds just to get it over with or to make them feel better about theirselves.

Then I met the man of my nastiest dreams and I'm louder than ever because it is the way I feel. If I make noise, it's because I can't hold back and he is driving me crazy!

Red Shoes said...

Sex is so sensory-overdrive!!

Smells, sounds, touch sensations!

Afterall... isn't really about being driven to the point where one totally loses self control? ;o)

~shoes~

Lady J said...

I think sex is better when there are moaning / sounds involved because it forces you to feel more and think less. Who the hell wants to think during sex? It's all about the senses. You just let yourself go and enjoy the ride (pun intended).

Easily Aroused said...

The aural elements of sex and their impact should never be underestimated or undervalued. For me, there are few things as arousing as the sounds made by a woman experiencing genuine pleasure. Whilst the relevance of the quoted studies may be limited, I can attest that "the unbidden moan, the deep rich moan that rises spontaneously from some primitive place of dark-red wanting" has done much to enhance my own pleasure....

SexyLittleIdeas said...

True, moans are much better when they're real. But sometimes even forced moans are just what the doctor ordered when I'm in that netherland just at the border of the point of no return deciding whether or not to dip my toe in..

MissJessicaAbel said...

"Female's moans changed during their cycle, becoming "more attractive" during ovulation and "less attractive" during menstruation. (Insert bitchy period joke here.)"

This is fantastic. What about women on birth control though.. how does that pan out in the attractiveness of our cooing?

Anonymous said...

Personally I like when women get really really quiet with the occasional lurch or shudder. The "ooh ahh, oh baby" whacka whacka crap I find embarrassing, not in the good way.

Kanga said...

Just make sure the phone message was the boyfriend.

Otherwise.....

Anonymous said...

Late to the party but as a vocal girl myself, it's all about me. I don't do it for my partner. My noises are spontaneous and, I don't know if anyone else is this way, but vocalizing makes me come harder. If I try to suppress it my orgasm becomes sort of like brrzzzzzpp instead of *insert noise of World Trade Center collapse*.

thebareruth said...

I think the genuine, unconscious sounds a man makes when he's turned right-the-fuck-on is amazingly sexy! On the flip side, I did have a fling with a guy who was into the whole fake porn-star-type noises (well, I think he knew it was fake? He did know it was faked ...didn't he!? Shit, I'm not so sure now, he did kinda rate himself...!) and that was probably the least sexy thing I've ever done!

Walker said...

Great article! I didn't use to be much of a moaner, but I've discovered that being able to articulate, in some way, increases my response. I do occasionally vocalize to help my lover along--because he loves it and it gives him great pleasure--and that arouses me. Very different from the old days in marriage where I occasionally had what I call "Charity Sex"-then the words or sounds were more about getting it over and done with!

Walker said...

Hit the respond button too quickly. I write about sex and relationships as well! Love your blog and writing

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

I think my favourite sexual sound is the muttered babbling/begging that you can inspire if you're lucky enough.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I think that would be orgasmic to listen to a partner's orgasm on a phone message. Truly hot.

I'm a moaner and whisperer and all. I wish I hadn't been with such deadbeats, who barely made a sound during sex. Of course, they had no problems moaning and groaning when not having sex.

Your blog is fantastic. Thanks for visiting. It prompted me to drop by.

xoRobyn

Adriana said...

Not only do I enjoy hearing sounds, but I enjoy making my own sounds. However, I feel the same about video games so..

Christina Kasprzak said...

Thank you so much for reposting! This is outstanding!

Christina Kasprzak said...

P.s. I was the director of the first collegiate performance of the Vagina Monologues to be performed at an all-male college, and Eve graced us with her presence in front of the partially hostile full house at Wabash. I have such a soft spot in my heart for "the home of the moan." <3

Chaffyn said...

A Sad Report

Among my 47 wives was a gal who, I realized toward The End, never spoke my name at any time. I've a sneaking suspicion she may not have loved me.

Mongo, At The Moment said...

My appreciation and focus on the topic aside: this may be a contender for one of Your Top Ten Posts Of All Time. And, looking the the comments, I'd say you grabbed a live wire, here.

I can't imagine sex without the aural component. When it's happening, we take in so much information on multiple levels -- what we're doing; what they're doing; and how is what we're doing? Getting an indication can be, well, handy. More? Little to the left? Not so fast? Or, push that accelerator to the floor?

And it's not just directions or endearments, but the general sounds of all the physicality. It's something not intellectualized, not even fully conscious. In so few areas of life (that aren't painted over to make them appear socially acceptable, or as something else) are we allowed to behave as the Animals we can be.

Woof. This -- a good piece of writing. 'Scuse me; gotta go prove I'm not a robot.

Katrina Amero said...

Why is there a stigma around men moaning?

jill Hamilton said...

do you really think there is Katrina?

and mongo, that third paragraph...oh man.

Katrina Amero said...

Yes. I wonder if it has to do with what is depicted in porn? Women are more verbal than men.

jill Hamilton said...

Katrina, totally why it's depicted in porn. and seems so super fakey to me in most casest but i guess it's the fact of someone making the sounds vs. how legit they are that dudes respond to.
and maybe stigma (which i don't really think there is a ton of) would be related to seeming vulnerable? or maybe that there's not the biological history for it so it was never quite as developed? in gay male porn there is more moaning so i don't know what that's about either. i have no answers today, sister, only more questions.

BSWish said...

Without the noise, there is no connection.so it is best to give your partner, the verbal signals to let the person know that you like what he/she is doing.

Katrina Amero said...

That's a great conclusion sentence. Too bad more men don't know this / don't communicate the "oh yes, that feels great, keep doing that" etceteras

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