Monday, March 12, 2018

Why We Fuck

I was sprawled across my bed, utterly wrecked, one morning many years ago. I'd just had amazing amazing phone sex with someone who, to this day, remains the most attachment-avoidant person I've ever met.

"Holy fuck," I mumbled, made dreamy by ravishment. "Why was that so...good? We were on the phone."

"People need connection," he said simply. To my surprise, even he had known this, deep in some barely accessible part of his poor love-avoidant heart. And it had been a connection, an intense sexual communion that felt like something real had happened, even though no body parts had been touched or even seen.

This private connection between lovers--This is why we fuck each other, even though there are plenty of promiscuous toys, pillows, and shower spouts that can do the job quite well. And, yes, it has to be fucking (of some sort) because other human interactions--a nice chat in the bank line, for example--just won't do it.

Bearing witness to someone surrendering to their instincts--just being with them in the moment they lose themselves--is fucking powerful. And to find someone you trust enough to fall into that void with them, well, it's a rare and beautiful gift.

On a less sublime level, I think it's also about being present in the Now and existing in a state of Flow, where you are wholly consumed with what you are doing. These are purportedly optimal (and often needlessly Capitalized) states for achieving happiness, inner peace and well-being. (See also: Ekhart Tolle's  The Power of Now and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's  Flow). The orgasm is, like, a bonus to what's really going on.

Caitlin Moran describes this kind of focused-attention-on-another in her book How to Build a Girl about a teenage Brit who transforms herself into a badass music journalist/sexual adventurer:

"Here's the amazing thing about sex:  you get a whole person to yourself, for the first time since you were a baby.  Someone who is looking at you--just you--and thinking about you, and wanting you...You are in a room with a closed door, and no one else can come through it....It seemed to me that this was the real reason people wanted to fuck so much. To get here. To get to this tiny, quiet place where there was nothing else to do but be with each other. Just to be two humans who had--for a short while--stopped wanting."

That idea fits nicely with what I discovered when I looked on PornHub the other day for the Top Rated Video of All Time. It wasn't "Bitch takes cum in her hair" or whatever I was expecting, but a sweet little clip of a sleepy, tousled-haired woman waking her lover up and giving him a blow job. 

This top-rated video--OF ALL TIME!--showed two people portrayed as affectionate, familiar lovers happy to be waking up together in such a nice way. They weren't over-the-top porn excited, but just enjoying the everyday-yet-so-amazing swollen pleasures of taking someone you like in your mouth and/or being taken thus. In the world of porn, this was maybe about the squarest, most vanilla thing ever. And yet it was the most loved...of all time! (For that one day, at least. Today, alas, I can't re-find it. It has been replaced by "Hot blond maid having anal." Top-ratedness is apparently fleeting. )

The point of all this being: sexual connection, in whatever form it takes, is something we all seek, including the millions of surreptitiously wanking users of Porn Hub on that particular day. Even my old friend, dear attachment-avoidant boy, needed this intimacy, albeit from the distance that felt safe to him.

We all need to get this place, however we can--where you get to be two humans who have--for a short while--stopped wanting.

Go find your place.

xoxox
jill

(photo)

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Want to read an interview with me?

The interview process
Want to see what I said last week? No? Well, if you change your mind, here it is. (And jeez, you could've at least pretended like you wanted to read it.) The interview was with Amanda Wayne of The Letter Works, an editing outfit that apparently doesn't mind a little cussing. (thx also to TLW's Catherine Foster, who you can hold responsible for this and probably doesn't care for this sentence structure.)

******
In Bed with Jill Hamilton by Amanda Wayne

When I started researching Jill Hamilton for this interview, I ran into a rather unique problem. Every site I visited had her essays and tips. I kept getting sucked into them and forgetting that I was there to do actual work. I wasn’t there to learn about the weirdest sex inventions, seminars for vagina meditation, or octopus fetishes. I just wanted to find out about her degree from the University of Michigan and any random tidbits on her personal life that I could. I used every millennial surfing trick I possessed. I was all over social media, scouring website “about me” blurbs, and lurking on professional networking sites. I was this close to paying one of those stalker sites to get some good info on her. I knew super intimate details about her, but not the boring surface stuff that I knew about my neighbor's sister. Jill manages to make it feel perfectly ordinary to read about things I only talk about with my best friend after we split one of the really big bottles of cheap wine.  It turns out that reading all of Jill’s entire anthology of essays was all the research I needed on this enigmatic lady. Jill has written for major magazines such as Rolling Stone and Cosmo and Entertainment Weekly. Her blog, www.inbedwithmarriedwomen.com, is hilarious and full of useful information. She agreed to answer a few questions for me and it was every bit as entertaining as I had hoped.

You have built this persona as a sexpert, writing for Cosmo, Salon, Alternet, Jezebel and many others. How did you fall into this crazy line of work where you make money talking about sex? 
My first Cosmo story was about 10 Weirdest Sex Devices or something like that. One of the things was a 70s-era bra with built-in nipples. The joke was about would happen if your actual nipples decided to make an appearance.  That is, 2 nipples = sexy, yet 4 nipples = not so much.
It mutated into me doing a stint as a sexual guinea pig, testing out Ye Olde Cosmo Tips–Use a scrunchie during a BJ! Smear food all over yourselves!  I have literally taken money for having sex (with my husband, for a Cosmo story, but still.) Whorish? Best job ever? Answer unclear.

What was the first big break you got as a writer?
I found out (long story) that there was a concert at a local nudist park in Michigan featuring Foreigner, Eric Burdon and others of that ilk. I sent a query to the delightful Jancee Dunn at Rolling Stone and she sent me to cover it. In case you were wondering, no one in Foreigner got naked, but everyone around me–who were exactly the age and demographic you could expect of older, not especially-toned nudists in Michigan– were butt naked, but for, incongruously, shoes and socks.

At what point did you decide to just embrace the baser side of humanity and write about the kinds of things people read in an incognito window?
Short answer:  Why bother with anything else?
Longer answer: I was sitting at the friggin’ Chuck E. Cheese with my friend, and we were discussing our moribund sex lives. What were the other preschool mothers doing about this? Was that one lady who looked like a grandma still banging her grandpa-looking husband? Were people having affairs? Did people just let their sex lives die, chalking it up to “maturity” and focusing really really hard on something like scrap booking?
I decided to start a blog In Bed With Married Women to ask people just this. (I am alarmingly nosy.) The idea was going to be a sociology study, with women just telling their stories. Like Studs Terkel but with more nudity.  The thing was, stories about marital sex are about as interesting as actual marital sex.
About the same time I saw an ad for something called Anal Ring Toss and I kind of veered in a whole different direction. This is still the central tension in the blog today–between a serious look at sex and what the hell it even is vs. the immature joy of finding a Japanese sex spray that smells like “secretary.”

What advice do you have for moms trying to live both lives?
My kids are kind of like Stepford children and are bizarrely good and smart. Advice for others:  just do the parts you want. Like I don’t really fold clothes as much as bend them into smaller shapes.

Do you ever have trouble making those pieces work together? “Lift your left leg on to your partner’s right shoulder and- Hey! Don’t eat with scissors!”
I actually have said “Don’t eat with scissors.”  They were safety scissors, but still.  My kids are older now and they know way too much about what I do. I think it’s good though. Knowledge is power and all that. My sixteen-year-old, Maddie, is cheeky as hell and makes up fake positions that I should be sending to Cosmo.  I think the most recent one was the New Year’s themed “The Ball Drop” for the older gentleman.

What advice would you give to someone trying to get their first set of words in print? 
Write something. If you don’t, maybe you aren’t actually a writer. Maybe you’re a chef or something.

Do you ever get tired of writing about sex? 
Positions, yes. So yes. But sex, not yet.

Does anyone ever recognize you and ask for sex advice?
People ask me about sex toys. If you’re asking, I am currently going steady with an iRock by Doc Johnson.

You have a very intimate writing style. It is unapologetically frank and quite charismatic. Did this come naturally to you or did you develop it over time?
This sounds so ick and pretentious, but if you’re not talking about something real, what’s the point?

You seem to go to a lot of sex seminars and workshops, is it usually a sausage fest? Or are the sexes equally represented?
Both; people are generally earnest.  They want to be decent lovers, have good sex lives and are open to learning something new.

In the 60s, America had a sexual revolution and women came out of the kitchen burning bras and marching for rights. Women have started to march again. What do you think the future generations will have to say about what women accomplished now?
I think they will think it’s ridiculous that we were so backwards.

Do you think we have gone too far? America’s modern mother is a bread winner, bacon cooker, house maid, PTA president, soccer mom, 5k runner who also is forward thinking enough to want to be on top when the lights go down. Is this equality?
Equality is when we all can feel comfortable and able to be whoever we are. Men women, black, white, whatever.

If you could have a one minute Superbowl ad to impart your wisdom to the masses of men and women in America, what would you say?
Science is real, you fucking morons.  Hmmm, maybe should tone that down a little. (Nah!)

You interact with your readers a lot. Are you ever afraid an overzealous fan will use internet skills to find you and show up at your door? 
Eighty-five percent of my readers are exactly who I hoped–super smart, funny and curious. I adore them. The weirdest people were a group of couch Nazis on Twitter who got all roused/riled up by a piece on pegging I did. They were super furious, yet oddly obsessed. They were like “Are you a Jew? Cause you write like one.” I said “No, but thank you!” and they got even madder.

What’s next for Jill Hamilton? Your own sex toy line? Lingerie? A book? Directing female friendly adult films? Parenting books? Cooking show?
I’m eternally working on a book, though by “working” I mean thinking about it, then playing Words With Friends.

Friday, February 2, 2018

IKEA, Tentacles and Other Sexy Sexy Things

[Hey! Look what I found from back when the blog and the rest of us were shiny and new, unaware of what would befall us. Yes, my friends, welcome to 2010.]

After a few months of In Bed With Married Women, I thought I was getting somewhat savvy about what's going on out there in the world of sex. But as it turns out, clearly I have no fucking idea. None.

Like, just today, I learned that there is a whole genre of art, animation and storytelling focused on tentacle eroticism, which is the desire to enjoy sexual congress with particularly fetching members of the octopus or squid family. The fetish is traced from the early 19th century woodcut, The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife (aka,"Honey, I had a really weird dream last night," shown above) by Japanese artist Katsushika Hokusai, (a man who, as Nathan Reed put it in Cracked.com, "Liked him some tentacles.") The tentacle love was inadvertently furthered when Japanese censors banned depictions of penis penetration but weren't forward-thinking enough to ban depictions of tentacle penetrations as well. (I am pretty sure they assumed such a ban wouldn't be necessary. And, to be fair, if I had been sitting there in that censorship meeting, it's not like I would want to be the one to be bringing up the subject of tentacle/personal orifice contact.)

Hey Sailor, do you like IKEA?
As if that weren't enough--and I'm quite sure it is--there's this whole other thing I learned regarding IKEA and sex. And, no, I'm not referring to the almost sexual rush of finding stylish throw pillows at an Impossible Price but rather actual sex at IKEA. Apparently there's this whole sex thing going on at IKEA--meet-ups in the parking lot, stolen moments for bathroom hand jobs, furniture assembly/masturbation dates--or so it would seem according to Nerve.com's Best of Craigslist: IKEA Sex, a compilation of hook-up/sex ads that mention IKEA. One ad reads: "Going to IKEA? What you cock sucked?" Yes, "what you" cock sucked. I know this is illogical, but if I had a cock and indeed wanted it sucked at the IKEA, I would want a cock sucker with better grammar skills. I'm picky like that.

Writes another aspirer to IKEA sex:
I bought this IKEA table and I can't assemble it. Come over and put it together for me and I'll masturbate while you do it. With a dildo. And I will serve you unlimited iced tea. I'm 37 and not amazing looking but totally serviceable. 
I especially love the touch of the unlimited iced tea. I'm mean she/he has already offered to masturbate--with a dildo--but somehow feels the need to sweeten the deal. "Hmmm," she/he pondered while composing the ad on the floor, next to the mockingly still-unassembled IKEA table, "What does everyone love besides masturbation (with a dildo)? Iced tea! And not just one puny glass of iced tea--unlimited iced tea."

What especially wigged me out about this IKEA sex thing is that one of the IKEA sex ads is for a meet-up at the Costa Mesa IKEA, that is, my IKEA. Which means that I'm not just missing on this trend in a general sense, but in a very literal sense at my own damn neighborhood IKEA. While I'm in blissful ignorance eating attractively-priced gravalax in the Costa Mesa IKEA cafeteria, someone's probably a couple yards away in an ergonomically-designed bathroom stall smearing lingonberries all over a stranger. This is unsettling news, to say the least. But...I do love IKEA and I'm ashamed to admit that I'm not sure that decadent sex between poor grammarians going on all around me as I obliviously shop for housewares is enough to make me stop going there.

I will, however, draw the line at having sex with a tentacle. As mentioned above, I do have standards. Although if the tentacles offered furniture assembly, excellent grammar skills and unlimited iced tea...

Friday, January 12, 2018

Emma from Sweden Reports on Her Vibrator Because That's the Kind of Place This Is

Someone who is not Emma
If you must know, I was kinda pissed that Emma from Sweden didn't mention that she was from fucking Sweden when she entered to win something from that big-ass box I got from my beloved Erica Braverman at Doc Johnson.
 
Not only did I have to pay like $50 bucks to ship the damn thing to dear Emma at a time of personal poverty (aka always), but I had to deal with the super gross guy at the post office who always needs to drill down on what, exactly, I mean by “massager” on the customs form.

Anyway, now all is forgiven because Emma wrote back with a wholly unnecessary but delightful review of her iVibe Select iBend. She even sent pictures and is the cutest thing ever.

Here then, Emma from Sweden, who will remain only thus because, "I have children who I do not wish to shame."
 
******

I won something! On the Internet! This in itself is miraculous, as I rarely comment on blogs and have never won anything before. And then it turned out (and turned on) to be a sensuous object of desire. It arrived in a package all the way from sunny California, USA to cold and dark Sweden, discreetly packaged and marked as "Massager" on the customs label, but I managed to hide it from my prying coworkers. In the evening, my Darling was out of town on work, so after I had sent my children to bed, I decided to go for it. Should I dress up for my new electronic lover, or put on sexy undies?

The box was sturdy and made to resemble the packaging of phones of the apple kind, and the pink matched my Colefax & Fowler wallpaper very nicely. Inside was a reliable-looking silicone dick with a super-smooth surface and pleasant size. It joined the other electronics on my vintage teak vanity, Kobo reading tablet (fantastic!) and Natural Cycles thermometer (the best thing that happened to my sex drive ever!). After half an hour of charging, which I spent knitting like the Little Old Lady that I am (44), I unplugged it and turned it on to the first stage. Mild, friendly buzz, and I tried the other six patterns on my thigh (foreplay?) before getting serious. The iBend can be bent in one direction, and then HOLD that position, which is brilliant. I bent it to an angle that allowed insertion and still provided enough buzz on my clitoris. The second setting made me come hard and sudden. Next time I will try the other rhythm patterns as well, and maybe let my lover decide for more surprises.

I can strongly recommend this dick to horny folks who like something well-made and versatile for their buzzy needs. My only complaint is that it is somewhat difficult to turn off, it requires pressing the on/off-button for 4 seconds, but as the iBend can run for over an hour on one charging, it is not necessary to save batteries. In the instruction leaflet it says to store the iBend away from other sex toys. The reason for this must be that the other toys will get really jealous when iBend gets all of your attention!

Nighty-night!
See? Cute as a damned button
xoxo
jill 

Thanks Emma and everyone who has sent mail that I not only haven't run yet but might not have even answered yet. I can be cruel that way.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

What You Weirdos Bought on Amazon This Year

super sexy, but plz consult footnote
When I'm at the store, I'm a cart voyeur. I look at what other people bought and assess/judge them. Do the people with the healthy stuff look healthy? Do the folks with the cart of junk look weak and slovenly? My findings thus far: inconclusive.

And yes, I do the same voyerism/judgey thing to you. Those of you who kindly start your Amazon shopping through one of the links there in the right margin not only support the blog with a few pennies (literally) per purchase and indirectly support democracy not dying in darkness, but you also give me some truly stellar cart voyeurism.*

Every year I look over what you bought, looking to draw big connections like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind when the random letters rise from the newspaper and he sees the Secret Wisdom within.

But, as it is with my cart research, I find myself with more questions than answers. Like:

--Dog toy or sex toy?


--Were the oddly high number of people who bought Naughty With Santa: An Erotic Christmas Story wholly satisfied?  Like $2.99 satisfied?  Seems kinda pricey, though the first sentence alone is probably worth a good buck fifty:  "I really didn't mean to, but I fucked Santa."

--And to the person who bought the Cowardly Lion Badge of Courage. I have no question--just liked that you wanted it. I'm going to imagine that it totally worked.  

I did manage to learn some stuff about you. Here are 4 things that, like Oprah, I Know For Sure.

1. Someone bought a friggin' snow-making machine! And, apparently, you can buy peppermint scented snow juice to go in it! What a world, what a world! (If peppermint is too delightful for you, there's also charred corpse --wtf--or cannabis, aka the cock tease of snow juice scents.)

2. You like to stick all kinds of things in and around your body and the bodies of others, up to and including: 12 speed Ben Wa balls, thigh cuffs, deep throat numbing spray, tons of lube, prostate massagers, and something called Vibrating Penis Rings Fun Clit Dual Vibrating Cock Ring Stretchy Delay Penis Rings Sex Toys for Couple because it's just not a sketchy Amazon sex toy unless there are about 17 seemingly random words in the name, each making it a bit more confusing.

In that vein (huge and realistic, natch), even though I like money and am beyond grateful to you for taking the extra time to buy thru IBWMW, I feel obligated to tell you that jelly toys are are bad for your body. So person who bought XIKEZAN 8" Lifelike Huge Dildo Realistic Penis Sex Toys with Suction Cup Base & Balls 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed (Pink) et al, maybe time to find a new penis n' balls fuck toy.

3. Someone bought a Lock N Hold Rod Rack which, disappointingly, has something to do with fishing.

4.  Except for the person who bought what I would consider an excessive amount of chinos for the big and tall man, y'all like to dress sexy. I mean, damn, girl.

Covering her boobs because, modest


Coincidentally, I too am currently wearing the Eternatstic Women Mesh Cupless Babydoll Sleepwear Lingerie Set Thong (see above: Amazonese product name, word salad) and it's getting a bit hard to type while simultaneously cupping my boobs, so I will leave you for now.

Thank you for your purchases. I am grateful beyond measure. 

To a New Fucking Year, my friend. Huzzah!

xoxo
jill

*For those of you worried about privacy (hahahaha, privacy is not really a "thing" anymore), I can't actually see who bought what, just what was bought. That means I can't personally thank the person who bought the Vagisil Daily Intimate Powder, Odor Block, but I also don't know that it's YOU that requires ODOR BLOCK for your nether regions. (For the record, don't buy that shit--it's bad for your cooch! Maybe remove sugar from your diet and if things get really rough, try this.)

And in vaguely related news, this is my favorite joke that everyone else thinks is just meh:
Person 1:  Mmm, you smell delicious. What is it?
Person 2:  It's my tampon!  It's scented.

***********************************************
Fund bloggery/outdated communication styles:

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Critique My Dick Pic

Consider the courtship practice of the Sending of the Dick Picture.

Men like sending them, but few women -- and only under very specific circumstances -- like getting them. (I think they're sexy, but I get that impression that I'm unusual in that regard.) In any case, it seems like a bit of messed up evolutionary mating economics--all supply, little demand.

Supply's not going down any time soon, so it seems the best solution is to create more demand. In this case, creating a better quality--hence possibly better-received--dick pic.

This is the mission of Critique My Dick Pic.  Writes site creator/judger of peni, Madeleine Holden:

this is a tumblr with a simple premise: send me your dick pics, & i’ll critique them with love.
'with love' is an important addendum. i'm never going to shame you about the size of your dick or what it looks like; i'm not about that life. i will, however, be ruthlessly honest when it comes to things like angles, lighting & general tone. i'm trying to help you improve, because in all likelihood your dick pics are artless & dull.

The girl is ruthlessly honestly and is against "Porky Pigging," that is, wearing a shirt but no pants, and photos featuring "the log," (says she: "the log" is when you take a bird’s eye view, close-up shot of your enormous dick, with your dick taking up most of the frame & with very little surrounding detail. dudes, they’re boring. they’re ~so~ boring. they say "look at my fat cock" & fuck all else.") She ends each review with a letter grade. In bold.

Consider this poor guy who sent in an uninspired shot of his dick hanging over the edge of a kitchen sink. (You'll have to look yourself b/c as Holden puts it, this site is "Not! Safe! For! Work!")

um no this is definitely not very good.
your dick is unceremoniously flopped out of your pants & you look like you’re about to piss in the sink. your right arm is hanging limply & the top right hand corner of your pic is straight blur. sender, this is very bad? you didn’t try very much here? it is extremely unlikely that this picture would arouse anyone?
if i were you, sender, i would scrap this entirely & start again, with 100% less sink, 100% less blur, & 1000% more effort.
thank you for submitting to critiquemydickpic.tumblr.com. your dick pic gets a C-.

I am completely in love with this site and wish I could just run a bunch of the pix here so you don't have to be clicking around, but Google gets a little peevish when I get too racy.  Do hop over, then tell me what you think. I welcome any and all dick pic stories you might send me as well.

xoxox
jill

ps yes I do appreciate the absurdity of kowtowing to Google's prudery while running afoul of Porky Pig's copyright holder.  Though I give part of the blame to him for not wearing pants.

Hey. Been drinking?  Leave a little tip today. 

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