Sunday, December 20, 2020

I Want to Sex You Up

In your FACE, #101

Hello friend,  Re-upping 'cause I got some new stuff that you might need to fuck.--1/2/21

Let's see.  In Bed With Married Women, despite my near complete lack of posting has been named one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2020* (again! yes, true!)  I don't know if this is because it's no longer 2010 and nobody blogs anymore or what, but I'm bloody well gonna take it because fuck you, 2020

Anyway, I know you don't come here just for super out-of-date title references to horrible pop groups from the 1990s and the occasional post where I actually try to do a good job, but also for the fabulous sex toys I frequently toss your way, like a common Mr. Monopoly, but one who is tossing sex toys...like in a parade...for some reason...never mind.

Anyway today, my friend, you get two out of three of those things because 

1. BAM! Color Me Badd, I Wanna Sex You U, 1991. Do not google. It is really bad, as well as badd.

2.  I have some sex toys that I've been sent by nice sex toy companies but, due to everyone in my family being around every fucking second of my goddamed life, I am unable to properly use/fuck/smear recklessly over my body.

That's where you come in, gentle reader.  

I'm gonna list what I've got. If something strikes your fancy, or whatever you're calling it these days, drop me a line (jillhamilton001@gmail.com) and I will put it in a box and send it to your doorstep. To your door, I say! You can even pick a few if you want and fill a box. (Don't be too greedy though and pick like 20 things. I hate that. One time I had a garage sale and told a customer they could pay what they wanted. They took a shit ton of stuff and gave me a nickel. Yes, I didn't want any of the stuff AND I did say to pay what they wanted, but still.)

Here's what you do.  

1. Email me which toy(s) you wish to fuck.

2.  Pay for shipping.  I wish so hard that I could just send it you, but I write a free blog. Please add an extra donation/tip to validate my existence/make up for me dragging my ass to the crowded post office during COVID for you. If you give me a nickel, I will come to your house and punch you. I'm not even joking.

3.  My Paypal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com. (Keep handy for when you're drunk and feeling spendy.)

That's it! Here's what I gots left. As things go, I'll strike them out.  

Candy Cane Massager, a waterproof vibrator, but, like, Christmasy

Ripple Silicone Vibrator, looks kinda like a manta ray! (a sexy one)

Adam's Warming Rotating Power Boost Dildo, mama's trying not to keep him for herself bc...damn. I mean, LOOK AT HIM

I do hope the rest of Adam is okay.

Bondage tape, cause someone's in big trouble

Adam's Triple Prostate Probe, in case you come across aliens, or just desire some recreational probery

Lovelife Explore, good lookin' butt plug

All Star Enhancer Ring, stretchy cock ring for both cock n' balls.

Purple Heart Butt Plug, which, to be honest, isn't the greatest name

Good Head Fundamentals, The Ultimate Oral Sex, an oral sex kit including a stroker, "oral delight gel" and such.

Shake Your Ass Vibrating Butt Plug, 10 functions, probably most of them involving vibrating in your butt

Joy Stick Recharageable Wand, a long double-headed number that could go in any number of orifices. 

Bondage Kit, with blindfold, satin pasties, silky rope, cuffs and flogger.

Kama Sutra Playing Cards

Silicone lube, vibrator lube, Big-ass bottle of water-based lube, watermelon flavored lube, masturbator lube, some extra large Elite Skyn Condoms, wipes, a Pleasure Feather Tickler, a small guide to BDSM, and, oh yeah, so much more luuuuuuube including Wicked Hybrid Jelle, Simply Aqua Jelle, Simply Hybrid, and a ton of other lube that I've grown too lazy to link.  If y'all don't take it, I'm gonna have one hell of a slide n' slide, I suppose.  

If you want to just buy something straight from the companies and leave me out of it, click on the link and IBWMW gets a wee cut.

So that's it. LMK. I won't tell.

xoxo

jill

*One side effect of being named a Sex Blogging Superhero is that you get offers from random companies. OnlyFans, for example, suggested I could make "millions" through them. "One example of a successful use for you may be for you to show behind the scenes footage of your life to your paying fans on OnlyFans as a perk," they wrote, quite optimistically.  I shall assess the market for viewing the behind the scenes footage of a 55 year old woman who is doomscrolling, writing crap articles for cash or hiding in the bathroom every few days for a joyless, hurried wank. 

--Update, later:  my family members are all delightful. Honestly. But sometimes lock down feels a tad No Exit.

Thursday, December 17, 2020

Santa Fetish, Big-Ass Labia, and Ancient Sex Advice

I have a Very Special gift for you both.

I was looking though the Amazon list of stuff y'all weirdos bought and someone ordered a copy of  "Snowballin': I Fucked Frosty" a book whose title is its own spoiler. This snowballed (sans fuckery, alas) into me trudging around through the ancient backwaters of the blog. It's weird to read myself of the past, maybe it will be for you too. I do hope that this post marked my personal max for using the word "clit," a word I fervently wish had an alternative.

 Anyway, step into my time machine with me into 2012. Might want to wear a helmet. There are a lot of loose clits flying about. (And PS, it gets pretty fucking gross in here today.) 

 ********

Random detritus from the IBWMW inbox.

--That is Some Good Lookin' Labia

Caitlin Grace, a Wellbeing Coach in New Zealand, sent in this documentary called The Perfect Vagina, about chicks getting plastic surgery on their "fannies," as they call them overseas. As you may recall, I am against the cutting of one's sexual organs--up to and including fannies--in order to look like all of the other Sneetches, and this vid let me stay comfortably within my cozy worldview.

Go have a look if you'd like--it's free. A caveat: cover your eyes during the highly graphic surgery scene. Slabs of skin cut off! Slabs! Which not only burned a permanent discomforting image into my brain, but also led to the following Unproductive Thought Spiral (which seems to be happening more frequently now that I've had to switch from expensive "name brand" Lexapro to a generic made in a foreign land and sold at Costco for $6.99.)

To wit:
1. Became concerned with how said vag slabs are disposed of. You can't just toss 'em in the trash, right? Compost pile? Surely it's not e-waste. Which reminded me of...
2. The Mystery of the Possibly Missing Clit and  @jeannehospod's snarky Twitter answer: "check jeans pocket" which gave me the unsettling image of a linty clit in a jeans pocket. Making it even worse, she continued, "Cleaning the lint catcher on the dryer should prevent that. 'Oh there's a dime, foil gum wrapper, and...ooh! there it is!'" Which made me think of...
3. All the moles dermatologists cut off and how there is someone working at a lab somewhere who walks into work and is confronted with a bunch of little packets containing tiny little moles that they must cheerfully examine. But I digress.

Anyway, today when I was looking at the Perfect Vagina site, I learned that the reasons for labioplasty include this:

some women complain that...riding a bike is uncomfortable

Which just makes me curious how fucking big, labia-wise, we're talking. I mean, to be uncomfortable on a bike, they'd have to be...what?...like getting caught in the wheels? So big you don't need any padding on your seat? I mean, if they're "can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow" size, hell, maybe I am supportive of a little nip and tuck.

Now unclear on my labial worldview.  Leave me alone.

--Oh, Santa. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, SSssssssssaaaaaantaaaaa, oh God, yes!

The holiday season is coming up which means it's time to start thinking about Santa, particularly how sexy it would be to have him pull down his velvety red pants then slowly slide his snowy white pubes against your throbbing center. Because, yes, a Santa fetish is a real thing.

A Santa fetish can involve being fucked by Santa, or alternately, being Santa and fucking others. Today, for example, on porn site xnxx there are 287 videos tagged with the word "Santa." (If you have a spare moment and an easily erasable search history, I would urge you to look the sheer crazy-ass variety of specialty tags there representing a wide variety of human sexual expression* including "mother-in-law," "poltergeist," uh-oh--hold the phone on that labioplasty-- a stunning 1178 videos for "mega pussy lips." And I presume they mean the still-attached kind. Though at this point I'm pretty sure that someone somewhere is probably jerking off to the thought of a medical waste bin chockful of removed, oh god, never mind, I'm not even going to finish that sentence.)

In case you're thinking it's just porn-obsessed dirty pervs with the Santa fetish, sensitive literate folk get hot for Santa fuckery as well. Here's a selection from the story Sara's Santa Fetish--it's Santarotica, a word I hope I just made up.

"I know what you've been thinking, I know for what you long, and tonight's a special night indeed, because Santa isn't wrong," he spoke, rhyming the words as if singing a verse from Santa Claus is Coming to Town. "I know when you lay in bed at night, your body longs for me, and tonight I'll make your dreams come true, Sara I'll set you free."

Oh there's more. Plenty more.

The fantasies flashed in her mind like movie trailers of the oft-repeated nights she lay in bed at night, thighs wide, fingering her clit while rubbing a wig or other such prop against her inner legs as if to replicate the feel of facial hair, a beard... Santa's beard. She'd thought of the things he'd do to her, of the pleasure he would bring, but - but -

"It's happening, Sara," he promised with a soft, belly-shaking chuckle. "Lean back and enjoy this very special gift."


I don't why I love this so much. Maybe it has something to do with the usual erotica tropes--the straining nipples, bucking hips and the like coupled with the Santa-y references to jolliness, his "silky soft beard," and that "soft, belly-shaking chuckle."

"Enjoy this very special gift" indeed. "Gee, Santa, is it your cock? Seriously?  Again?"

--Sex Advice from 2000 Years Ago.
Maybe it's the overseas "Lexapro" talking, but I'm reading a recent translation of the Kama Sutra and discovered some Ancient Wisdom to pass on to you:

Making Oneself Attractive
"The eye of a peacock or hyena, put inside a locket of gold and worn on the right hand, renders one attractive."

You already knew that one? Okay then, here's one for the gentlemen.

Bewitching a Woman
"Sex with a woman when the penis is smeared with honey mixed with a powder of thorn apple, black pepper and long pepper will bewitch her into one's power. Using a powder made of wind-blown leaves, flowers left on a corpse and peacock bones has the same effect."

xoxox
jill

*none of them, unfortunately, with the tag "Marc Maron."
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