Why Hetero Men Still Need to Bother With Women. For Now.

Still Life with vaginal tube, flowers and a couple cherries

Note: This is a reprint of a story that ran on AlterNet and Salon. If you think you've spotted some recycled jokes, it is completely your imagination.   

Here it is, the dawn of 2015, and men still don't have a sex toy that can equal the instant and fiery love between woman and vibrator.* And while Modern Woman enjoys the spot-on ministrations of a battery-operated lover, poor hetero men are stuck humping away at a motley array of women-like disembodied body parts.

Yeah, yeah, there are guys pleased enough with their Fleshlights and the occasional happy love affair between man and consenting love doll, but, like an elusive orgasm, most men's toys are still not...yet...quite...there.

But damned if enterprising toy makers don't keep trying. Behold some of the iffier contenders of women-like things to have sex with that aren't actually women. 

1. Portable Vagina

Vagina in a Can offered squishy pink vaginal plastic, conveniently portioned in a can, like so many french-style green beans. But Canned V never quite caught on, despite the product's post-apocalyptic advantages (“Nobody panic! I've stocked the fallout shelter with plenty of Canned Vagina!”). There is little documentation on reasons for the product's downfall, but perhaps it was due to the recycling quandary of which bin to place unwanted freshly-canned splooge.

Quickies to Go eliminated the can entirely, opting for an open-ended vaginal tube-like apparatus. Quickies to Go are disposable, which is not only pretty wasteful, but could conceivably lead to a spate of broken-hearted vaginal tubes sobbing at the curb on garbage day after being used, then rejected. (And later, a dystopian future featuring our Wall-E-esque descendants building shelter from huge piles of poorly-degrading discarded tubes.)

Quickie to Go also comes in “Mouth” and “Ass” versions and, if you look the products up on Amazon, Amazon will helpfully also recommend “Crisco All-Vegetable Shortening Sticks, 2 pack.”

2. Beauty Hole Ass Vagina With Egg Vibrating

Beauty Hole Ass Vagina With Egg Vibrating is...exactly that. And also not to be confused with Big Breast Beauty Hole Big Ass Pussy Vaginal w/ Vibration Egg which is completely different, you rube. To make sure you've ordered the right product, check your box. It should contain “1 x pussy” with “the feeline of mridens's skin.”

Among Beauty Hole Ass Vagina With Egg Vibrating's many mysteries is the fact that there is only 1 of these vaginal assy things available for sale. Why only 1? Seems like if you were taking the time to get out the Beauty Hole Ass Vagina-Making Machine, you may as pop out a full run of 50 or, hell, even 100.

3. Blow-Up Sex Dolls

Blow-up dolls are semi-inexpensive, but there's a reason we haven't all run off to live with our inflatable lovers/cheap lays and that reason is seams. “I was sore after one session from the beach ball openings,” wrote one presumably chafed reviewer of the $44.95 Sexy Flight Attendant. “I had to struggle with it just to get it to 'submit.' I did not expect this from a plastic lover,” wrote another reviewer of the $19.43 Wraparound Lover, who thus entered the infinitesimally small demographic of people who have been spurned by blow-up doll.

Note: The holes on blow-up sex toys are sealed with pull tab-like strips of plastic "for hygienic and safety reasons." (Warning: removed tabs may alert the blow-up doll's watchful friends that you two did more than just "go get coffee.)

4. Onaholes

Onaholes are kind of like Cup O' Noodles, except all flavors are “vagina.” For those who want some backstory with their wank toy, there are holes representing brides, virgins (hymen included) and even a deserted island survival version with three holes. There's an Advanced Fellatio Hole that can actually bite (!) and a Hairy Pussy Powered anatomical mashup featuring—ack!--a tongued vagina. Onaholes can be tricked out with a variety of accessories including an onahole-holding butt that you can stick on your fridge, something unpleasantly called "Saliva Lotion,” and uber-specific scent sprays like wife's armpit.

If aroma is important to you, maybe spring for the special onahole cleaner first. As one reviewer noted of his well-satiated onahole: it “starts smelling after repeated use.” (He also noted that it was “tight to the point where letting go will just launch it right off of you.” Which is kind of funny--except no one's gonna be laughing when someone's stinky old flying onahole puts someone's eye out.)

5. Extreme Onahole

Extremes Onaholes enhance man/machine love with an alarming array of moving mechanical parts. The A10 Cyclone "has a series of brushes that rotate back and forth over the item in question. Think of it as a shoe cleaner for you weenus," wrote John Biggs in TechCrunch, who called the Cyclone "overwhelming" and, less importantly, called his cock a "weenus." The Cyclone sounds pretty hardcore, like the male equivalent to the jackhammer intensity of the Magic Wand, so use caution putting anything in there, including one's weenus.

The top-of-the-line VORZE A10 Cyclone costs $566, has 8 “simultaneous stimulations,” seven customizable speeds/vibrations and can be hooked up to your computer to sync with video. For women worried about being replaced by machine, this may be the toy to fear. No matter how delightful in bed we all are (which is plenty delightful. Plenty, I say!), none of us are sportin' a series of varying-speed rotating stimulators between our legs. Which is probably for the best.

6. Love Doll Brothels

Love doll brothels offer disease- and sex trafficking-free sex, plus a complimentary fresh replacement hole for every new man. (I say “man” because the chance for eerily quiet companionship and non-responsive, one-sided cunnilingus tends not to appeal to Sapphic lovers.) Love doll brothels challenge the natural tendency to anthropomorphize. The dolls wait pleasantly seated in the lobby even though, really, stacking them in a pile in the corner would work just as well. And when that creepy dude comes in, it's hard not to feel at least a little bad for the doll he chooses. If you plan on going: According to this video (NSFW), be alert to the alarming possibility of the doll's head falling off mid-coitus.

7. Sexbots

Even though it's been predicted that we will be having sex with—and loving—sexbots by 2050, the technology is so not there yet. Check out these sexbot demonstration videos featuring Susie Software and her counterpart Harry Harddrive demonstrating their indeed-quite-robotic thrusting techniques near a really unstylish blue Pennsylvania Dutch love seat. Especially good is the one where Harry is flipped on his side, yet continues his grim air-thrusting, like a sexed-up fish washed ashore. Real Dolls look a whole lot better but lack as much movement. And ordering them requires a certain level of comfort with facing options like “elf ears,” “extra faces” and “labia repair kit.”

Most dauntingly, sexbots are still crazy expensive. Susie and Harry range from the just-lyin'-there version at $6000 to the remote-controlled, touch-activated model for $11,299, and a high-end Real Doll can run $51,000. If those prices are too steep, both Harry and Susie are available for rent, which, well, let's just end on that.

xoxox

jill

*Have actually changed my opinion on that one. See forthcoming story!

PS Dr. Andrea is IN and taking your questions on health, sexuality and other embarrassing issues.  Send it your shameful concern to jillhamilton001@gmail.com. You can be completely anonymous (except for me, and I'm not gonna tell anyone about your weird growth.)

This is only a test

Wish I was here

Fuck, I miss you all. Working to make money blows.  I don't recommend it at all.

Anyway, a few wee things.

1.  Dr. Andrea is in. Now, I am quite sure that every one of you aren't completely free of embarrassing health issues, sexual problems, genital questions and such. This is a chance to get your question answered by a real doctor, for FREE and anonymously (except for all of us, you know, reading about your itchy wiener or whatever). Man--or chick--up and send your question to: jillhamilton001@gmail.com or test out the snazzy new contact form at lower right and let me know if it works.

2.  Expert Predict Sexbots Will Be Part of Our Lives by 2050 is my latest article in DAME magazine. Go on over and give it some love if you will. Worst thing I discovered: Some sexbots are available for RENT.

3.  Some lady sent me this comment/unsolicited advice on Facebook: "Please try to use 'polyandrous' instead of 'slutty'. Thank you."  It was the preemptive "thank you" that got me, as though I'd be heeding her advice. 

4.  Naomi Wolf is now following me on Twitter. Squee.

5.  I was happy to see that some of you bought the aforementioned Naomi Wolf's book  Vagina: A New Biography via the Amazon link at right. Will love to hear what you think. (My 11 year old saw me reading it--as my daughter, this is her cross to bear--and goes, "Hey, what's that book about? VAGINAS?")

6. Someone also used the Amazon link to purchase "Cottonelle Ultra Comfort Care Toilet Paper, Mega Roll Economy Plus Pack, 27 Count," which means that in that person's brain there is now a tiny, tenuous neurological link between the blog and their mega/plus/ultra toilet paper needs. I am tentatively happy about this.

7.  And speaking of overly dramatic toileting-related product adjectives, my current favorite is Fresh Step Extreme Odor Control Scoopable Clumping Cat Litter.

No more Purina Hot Pockets cat food for you, little kitty

I am not a package designer but, really, trained professionals sat in on probably countless long meetings and not one person thought it was a bad idea to mark up the package with the words "EXTREME URINE & FECES"? In big-ass red letters? We are plenty crass in this country, but I think "odor control" would've worked just fine.

8. 8, 8, I forgot what 8 was for.

9.  Don't forget about your Dr. Andrea question...

xoxox
jill

(gorgeous photo from Lady Cheeky,)

Enough With the Freakin' Robot Sex, Lady

(part of 3 of what has become the In Bed With Married Women Robot Sex Trilogy, a series so generally unpopular that it makes me want to write about it all the more.)

A few readers have noted the bitter inequality that is the lack of male sexbots. If you are a women, and want to get down with an inanimate human-type object, you have to go with gay robot lovin'. Gay robot lovin' is fine and all that, and I do appreciate there being an area where gay chicks don't get shafted, as it were, but as the lovely Barreness put it, "Um...where's the dude version." Chimed in Harleyq, "What about some ripped rubbed action for those not willing to share personal attention with the T.V.?"

Well, y'all raise a valid point, but don't be rushing to renew your NOW membership quite yet, or better yet do, but heed these words: The way robot technology is today you do not want gender equality. I draw your attention to the TrueCompanion site, the web site for Roxxxy, the interactive sexbot. I linked to this before, but it was only later, after you all were gone, that I looked, really looked, at that site, and damn, is it bad.

If you don't want a visit to a sexbot site in your computer's search history (and I would encourage you to figure out the "private browsing" feature--stat), I can give you the highlights since, as I've noted before, my computer's search history is already a ravaged mess, filled with web sites for balloon sexual fetishes, disembodied vagina sex toys and, most recently, the home page for the National Organization of Women.

If I was at your house showing you the True Companion web site (and don't think I won't do it), I would point out:
1. The hideous quality of the site. Web sites and sexbots both are computer-based and, on that alone, I can safely say that there is no way in hell that I would have sex with anything designed by the same people who made the site.
2. Creepy videos.

The guy on the left (above) who looks like George Costanza is Roxxxy's creator. In all his video appearances, he wears this same white lab coat. I guess it's so he doesn't look like a creepy-ass weirdo, but the coat doesn't quite do the trick. But look at Roxxxy! I mean, where to start? The way she is sitting, her drag queen body and worse--if you are brave enough to watch the video--the frightening way she turns her head to look at him. Creeeeaaak! Aaaaaaaah! It's alive! Also, there is the matter of that hideous couch, but at this point, I think that's the least of our worries.

Or this, a video in which Roxxxy demonstrates her "new leg, head and body movement in action!"

In it, Lab Coat Dude sits at a computer, trying desperately to convey that not only is he a respected member of the medical community, he's also computer literate. This is immediately disproved with the continuation of the vid which inexplicably has no sound. In eerie silence, Roxxxy demonstrates her new hip movement by thrusting in the general direction of an wooden dining room chair. Although she is wearing thigh-highs and animal print undies (rawwrr!), she moves with the sensuality of a bag of frozen peas. Right in the middle of the damned thing, Mr. Lab Coat walks into frame--not to have his dirty, dirty way with Roxxxy--but to remove her wig! Help! Suddenly bald Roxxxy! Not real girl, scary robot! Fantasy abruptly ruined! He sort of fondles her bald pate for a moment, then places the wig back on and walks back out of frame. I think he is demonstrating something, but we'll never know what because over at TrueCompanion they haven't yet mastered the technology of talkies. (Again, they can't even put friggin' sound on videos. Do you really want to stick your wiener in something they've designed?)

3. The history page for TrueCompanion in which mention is made of an earlier 1993 'bot called Trudy. She was not "user-friendly" is all they will allude to, and frankly, I don't think I want to know any more. Also mentioned in the history are 9/11, a dead friend and the idea of recreating said dead friend via talking robot which leads--obviously--to...sex robot!

And finally, 4. A male robot is indeed in the works. His name in Rocky. On his order form (he's about $7000 plus $19.99 monthly service fees), you can choose his hair color, race, razor stubble ($100 extra), etc... I was briefly intrigued until I remembered the horror of the Roxxxy video. I can only imagine what sort of hideous barely-representative-of-human-male creature would arrive at my doorstep. They won't even show Rocky's picture on the site, so I think he might look a lot like the Rocky from Mask.  (My worse fear: Rocky looks just like Mr. Lab Coat, despite my asking for a German-speaking Asian man with black eyebrows, hairstyle #7, and paying $100 extra for razor stubble.)

Oh wait, I forgot about 5. The weird prudish language on the site. Here's what they have to say about Rocky:

When you are using Rocky’s private “area”, it is like sleeping with a beautiful hunk that is really big down there and he moves it around to please you instead of just pleasing himself! Plus, the vibrations from his manhood coupled with his erotic personality is described as unbeatable. 

"Private 'area'"? "Down there"? "It"? "Manhood"? What the fuck is that? "Attention purchaser, touch me in my private 'area.' Feel the vibrations from my manhood as it touches you 'down there.'"

Oh, I could go on, but my butt, it grows numb. Suffice it to say, if you have a spare $7000 earmarked for sex toys, I can think of about 233 better things to spend your money on. I bet you can, too. (May I suggest Good Vibrations? Good products, eco-friendly policies and a sweet sweet cut to IBWMW if you buy something through this link.)

Should You Fuck A Robot? Well...Maybe Not. (Part 2 of what, embarrassingly, has become a series on robot sex)

As you may recall from the last post, Should You Fuck A Robot? Well...Maybe, I was all hepped on banging robots. My main arguments being:
1) An article I read skimmed that predicted that one day doctors would prescribe sex with robots as part of a healthy lifestyle (orgasm=longevity). But mostly:
2) The sudden realization that if sexbots were as good as predicting what I liked, sex-wise, as Pandora internet radio is, music-wise--well, sign me the fuck up.

However, I'm not saying that you should rush to locate the nearest robot and start humping away. No, there are a few very important caveats. To wit:

1. I'm talking about robots in the future. WAY, WAY, WAY in the future. Like in 2050, the year experts predict sexbots will become indistinguishable from humans. (Although, by 2050, the only thing I'll be wanting my sexbot to do is bring me my slippers and juice.) Unfortunately sexbots of 2011 are quite distinguishable from humans.

Consider Roxxxy (above and left) the state-of-art in sexbots from TrueCompanion. She has five programmable personalities, a motor that makes her appear to breathe, and she talks in her sleep. She can hold a "conversation," "look" at you with her dead, soulless eyes and will fuck you senseless for 3 hours (at which time her battery runs out), never once mentioning the wretched fact that you have just spent the last 3 hours having sex with a household appliance. However, I think TrueCompanion could stand to do some re-jiggering on Roxxxy's general demeanor.  I am not a robotologist, but in these pix, Roxxxy appears to be less "in the mood" and more "prepared to acquire human genetic samples to take to hostile home planet."

2. Expense. $7000--a sum of cash that's difficult to hide, even using the kind of highly developed "black budget" I've adopted in my own household finances. And don't be trying to save money on this kind of thing. Reader Belinda brought up the enchantingly disturbing possibility of cheaper knockoffs that would exhibit only a passing knowledge of human sexual desires. "You liiiiike arm," your cheapo doll would squeak in an unpleasant voice, using the twisted syntax of dollar store product instructions, as it poked your arm painfully. "Time to put sex on me!" Then its plastic eye would fall out.


3. Various and sundry concerns brought up by beloved In Bed With Married Women readers (among them dear Ed, Tricia, Annah, Candycan and The Barreness) including lack of relationship drama, loss of human interaction, and fear of becoming so smitten by robot love that you'd give up on flawed humans entirely. Not to mention embarrassing tech support calls. ("Well, the problems started when Roxxxy and I decided to get a can of peas involved...")

I will leave you today with a link to this wonderfully cheeky Cracked.com article, The First Talking Robot: A (Terrified) User's Review, in which Daniel O'Brien spends an evening with Roxxy. Is it a date? Household appliance review? You decide...

Should You Fuck A Robot? Well...Maybe.

If you asked me yesterday what my opinion on robot sex was, I would have said--while backing away from you, claiming to have vague, but quite pressing errands to attend to--something dismissive about social misfits and sex dolls. But today as I was walking Daisy, I was pondering the concept of robot sex (well, what the hell do you think about when you walk your dog?) and my whole robot sex worldview radically shifted with one word: Pandora. Sweet sweet Pandora. Pandora, if you haven't had the pleasure, is an Internet radio station that picks music for you based on what you like.

I am half crazy in love with Pandora. If I could make out with it, I would. Pandora is like the best, most attentive lover ever. It knows exactly what I'd like to hear and when I'd like to hear it. It makes music choices that charm and delight me--"Following an obscure live Radiohead track with old Pogues? Pandora, how clever!" And Pandora doesn't just spew back what I put into it. Using some algorhythms that are probably highly creepy and may well be the ruin of us all, Pandora peers into my fucking soul, man, and knows what I want. Nay, what I need.

So here's my idea: what if a robot lover was like Pandora? What if using the same creepy-ass technology, Robot Lover could be exactly what you need, even if you didn't know what it was that you needed? In the h+ Magazine article, Sexbots Will Give Us Longevity Orgasm, writer Hank Hyena predicts that such sexbots are coming and will be a physician-recommended tool for longevity as present in American homes as Omega oil capsules and Zumba DVDs. Writes Hyena:

Remember the most convulsive, brain-ripping climax you ever had? The one that left you with "I could die happy now" satiety? Sexbots will electrocute our flesh with climaxes twice as gigantic because they'll be more desirable, patient, eager, and altruistic than their meat-bag competition, plus they'll be uploaded with supreme sex-skills from millennia of erotic manuals, archives and academic experiments, and their anatomy will feature sexplosive devices. Sexbots will heighten our ecstasy until we have frothy, shrieking, bug-eyed, amnesia-inducing orgasms. They'll offer us split-tongued cunnilingus, open-throat fellatio, deliriously gentle kissing, transcendent nipple tweaking, g-spot massage prostate milking dexterity, plus 2,000 varieties of coital rhythm with scented lubes.

Of course, sexual communion between real flesh-and-blood humans is transcendent and soul-igniting and all that, and yet...

Well, consider the Pandora factor. Maybe you'd be thinking you needed some soulful tender sex, but your sexbot would give you a spanking--and it would be exactly right. Or vice versa. (That is, you get the tender love, not that you spank the robot. Though of course you could. If it's been naughty. And that's the whole point, it's your sex fantasy robot--you can do whatever the hell you want.) You could set your 'bot to Javier Bardem one night, then the cute dad from school the next. Hell, set it to Carol Channing, if that's what you're feeling. Plus, you could have all the unhealthy brain fuck relationships you want with none of the painful psychic damage. That means you could set your sexbot -- full power! -- to Somewhat Insane, but Delightfully Passionate Philosophical Guy on Thursday, and Hilarious But Depressive Writer on Friday.

This all plays into an area which is endlessly fascinating to me--that is, the continuum and overlap between sex and love. I mean, you can have incredible sex with your hand or your vibrator or whatever but (most of us, at least) don't experience any kind of love feelings for them. Conversely, you can have emotionally intense sex with a live person but experience only mild physical sensations. Or some mix n' match combo therein. Where would these 'bots fit in? Would we fall in love with them? Or would we feel as romantically attached to them as we do to, say, our toasters?

What do you think about all this? (And if I were your sexbot, I would already know.)

P.S. Coming Next: "Should You Fuck A Robot? Well...Maybe Not."

(image source: http://wickedknickers.tumblr.com/post/300069786/via-scandyfactory)