Sunday, August 29, 2010

Behold! The New Contest Has Arrived.

The fabulous prize this time around? This lovely "Night of Romance Kit" from Good Vibrations, purveyors of pro-sex goodies that range from nice little romantic candle/massage oils all the way up to scary, alarmingly large plug things for people's butts. (Instructions: place item in butt.)
Mmmmmmm, free stuff.
If I were feeling testy, I would award the prize to the first reader brave enough to watch the E.T. porn (bear witness to the horror--or don't--in the post The Most Unsexy Porn EVER). But I am full of soy latte and all's right with the world, so I will give you a simpler task. Well, sort of simpler. It's actually kind of multi-tiered. Here's what you do: Be the first to correctly post the name of any one of the items from the Night of Romance Kit (shown above) on the wall of In Bed With Married Women Facebook page. All right then, don't tarry now and good luck.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Vagina Cupcakes

Okay, vagina cupcakes, I have
used you.  Now, begone from
my computer!
The other day the cable guy was at our house connecting our Internet and needed to tinker about on my computer. After he left, I went to glory in the sorely-missed wonders of Home Internet, but when I walked over to my computer, I couldn't help but notice the big ol' file sitting right smack in the middle of my computer screen. It's name? "Vagina Cupcakes." Yes, Vagina Cupcakes. Even if Cable Guy was wanting to believe it was a perfectly normal file (and I'm guessing he sorely did), I can't even imagine any file named Vagina Cupcakes that would not be something completely unsavory. (To his credit, Cable Guy didn't bat an eye.)

I am not a packrat in real life (quite the contrary, if you must know), but virtually, I'm a hoarder. I keep things stowed on my computer because I think I might need them someday--just like why your grandma saves those packets of soy sauce from the Chinese restaurant. If anyone has a emergency requiring tiny squirts of low quality soy sauce, well, voila, she saves the day! This is why I had stored a photo of some cupcakes decorated as vaginas front and center on my computer. Months ago, a kind reader had sent the photo suggesting I might use it for...something, so I dutifully kept it. A smarter person would have named the file something benign like "Taxes 1997" or something, but I have a bad memory and can't keep track of such subterfuge. It's a picture of vagina cupcakes, so I named it Vagina Cupcakes, dammit!  

And Vagina Cupcakes are just the beginning--that's the kind of thing I have out on my desktop, for anyone to see. My bookmarks are even worse. It is there that I keep the items that I might one day trot out for you, gentle reader. Among the things that reside there are (and don't say I never warned you):

  1. An article on MILF porn.
  2. A web site for a Fursuit Cleaners. Fursuits, you may recall, are the animal costumes that some folks like to don while banging other folks dressed in fursuits. (Strategically-placed flaps facilitate the process, if you're wondering) The cost of a fursuit cleaning, btw, is $75. I would charge more--WAY more--but that's just me.
  3. "A History of the Buttocks."
  4. Info on a talking vibrator.
  5. Something entitled: "The Pussy Snorkel."
  6. Also, a recipe for garlic chicken, but that probably doesn't fit the theme here.
I don't know what I'll do if my computer ever has to go in for service because, after a few months of this blog, my computer is toxic, and should probably taken in for questioning. I mean, my search history alone, what with its weird sex toys, fascination with other people's odd (to me) fetishes and excessive interest in the female condom, is enough to run me and my nasty-ass computer out of town.

Even the blog is pretty iffy--I can barely even look at it in public. For example, right now, I am in a cafe in a small town in Michigan, surrounded by wholesome-looking, pale Michiganians. Whenever I need to sort of park my computer for a minute, I try to stop on an acceptable part of my blog. Naked lady picture at the top of the blog? No--scroll down! Talk of "female penile handling"? No! Picture of a dildo? Anal bleaching? Ice butt reference? Ack! No, no and NO! 

I know it's 2010, I write a sex blog and I should just get over it and be out and proud--get used to it!--but I'm just not there yet. So I'll talk freely with you, Internet Stranger, about such things, but Mrs. White-Haired Lady Over There At The Other Table, I won't be sharing my feelings about fursuits with you today.  And for that, I think we will both be grateful.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Guest Post: Sex With the Wife, A True Husband's Tale

Today I give you a post from Sex With the Wife, in which Mr. B chronicles his sex life (and the frequent lack thereof) with his wife. Here, let's let him explain:
This started as a place for me to bitch and moan about how awful my sex life is. A few months later my wife went into therapy for depression and messed up hormone levels, so this became a place for me to chronicle those problems. Now people have started to read the blog and I have found a whole community of guys who aren't having sex with their wives and still aren't cheating on them.  I guess I am just another guy frustrated at not having sex but is trying to be a man about it.
In "One Thing Leads to Another," Mr. B does manage to get lucky. What I like about this post is that it's about real married sex and from the guy's point of view, but also because Mr. B is so attuned to--and articulate on--the way his wife's body responds (or doesn't) to his ministrations.

Tuesday night was busy. The county fair is in town with all their death trap rides, and Tuesday was kids' wristbands night, where the rides are slightly cheaper than usual. I had a meeting in the evening, so my wife took all three kids to the fair. I met her there when my meeting was over, so she could take the three year old home and put her to bed. I stayed with the older two and let them go on rides until the fair shut down at 10pm. The whole family pretty much got to bed late and was groggy the next morning.

Wednesday was a good day of activity for me, although my wife needed a break. She was still in recovery mode from her traveling, so she took the morning off. In the afternoon she picked up her new work computer and spent the afternoon installing software on it and getting her files organized. I was working on various presentations and planning for the next school year. In the evening we were both unmotivated regarding dinner, so we went out for Mexican food. We dropped our oldest daughter off for a sleep-over and put the younger two to bed.

We were both tired, but I had complained to my wife that I always get an adrenaline surge when I get into bed with her. It doesn't matter how tired I am when I go to bed, as soon as I am in bed with her my hormones send a surge of energy through my veins. So when we got into bed, we chatted a little, and my wife asked me if I was tired or what. My response was that I could sleep if I had to, but I always have a different preference. So we opted for her to try reading her romance novel, while I spooned up next to her.

After a while I was just laying next to her trying to fall asleep, while enjoying having her close. Her vibrator was laying on my night stand, because I had finished recharging it the night before, so I got it out and just set it to its lowest speed and started using it on her gently. If she is reading her romantic literature, a little gentle stimulation is often welcome to help her get up to speed. But I was pretty sleepy, so mostly I just held it in place while lying next to her. I tried counting to fifty and then repositioning the bullet a little bit. I was just trying to be helpful until she took over with the vibrator.

She would shift her body every once in a while and rub her leg up against mine. I started using my other hand to stroke her leg gently. I traced the outline of her outer vaginal lips and teased her pubic hair. She wasn't really aroused, so I didn't want to push; I just wanted to maintain her interest. I was just trying to gently touch the skin, without getting into the sensitive inner lips, which don't respond as well to being touched before there is lubrication present. I can also judge the amount of blood flow to those lips by touch, which gives me a good judge of my wife's arousal level. They still felt rather limp and floppy, so I didn't want to go diving in where my fingers were unwelcome.

Once I notice a change in my wife's breathing along with more verbalization on her part, I decided to switch the setting on her vibrator from the lowest setting to the slow build. This is where the vibrator starts slow and builds up to the top speed over about 5 seconds and then repeats. My wife has mentioned how she enjoys this option for building arousal. I also repositioned myself more between her legs, so I could more effectively use both of my hands on touch her down there. I was kissing and licking her inner thigh while keeping the vibrator on her clitoral mound and using my other fingers to move her natural lubrication around. I was mostly trying to tease her and take it slow. My wife is pretty much lying on her back and reading (on her iPhone - so she can read in the dark) the whole time I am working on her.

I keep kissing closer to my wife's pubic hair and privates, but I really don't think that she wants oral sex tonight, so I am just working on building anticipation. I kiss one leg and then the other. I slide my tongue up and down her thigh. I keep expecting my wife to take over operating the vibrator, because usually I do a poor job of finding just the right spot. This time she is giving me enough feedback that I can get a sense of where she wants it. I am also working on moving it less and just letting it stay in one place for longer stretches of time.

My wife does make a decision to switch the setting on the vibrator from slow build to high gear. She leaves me in charge of the bullet, so I figure I must be doing something right. I keep getting closer and closer to kissing her directly on her kitty when I finally give in and start licking her down there. I always have a hard time balancing the vibrator with my tongue, because I want to lick where the vibrator is working. So I move the vibrator down low to the entrance while I lick and play with her clitoris. She is significantly aroused and responding to my touch. Her vag is open and ready for company, so I slide the bullet inside her canal. This brought a very favorable response from my love buddy as she felt those sensations on the inside. I continued to lick and taste her. Her natural lube was not as oily as when she is quite aroused, but adding my saliva to the mix certainly increased the slippery factor down there.

I had fun for quite a while licking and probing with my tongue, trying to be gentle and teasing and not forceful and invasive. At the same time I was keeping track of the bullet vibrator inside. I had a hold of it my the cord, but it was completely inside her. My wife switched off her book soon after the bullet when inside and was just taking in the sensations. I pulled the vibrator out from deep penetration and focused on the entry-way. These muscles seemed to be gripping tightly and responded to the push of the vibrator against them. Then I felt my wife's orgasm begin. I could feel the vaginal muscles contract around the bullet vibrator. I always enjoy feeling my wife's orgasms for myself. After a bit she pushed me away to let the orgasm proceed uninterrupted or distracted by my ministrations.

We hadn't removed any clothing during this whole process. Her night gown was still on, as were my pajamas. I stripped my clothes off and her top as well. She was incredibly relaxed and jelly-like. I suspect if I had let her she would have fallen asleep then and there. I laid on top of her and kissed her repeatedly (which is what I really enjoy most of all). Of course, between my erection and her lube I slid easily inside her. I pumped slowly in and out, trying to kiss her and experience her body. We switched to a lotus position, with me sitting cross-legged and her legs around my waist. This was a nice slow screw which I enjoyed. At the end I lay on my back with her atop, but I didn't last long in that position. I enjoyed being able to last longer than usual, because I hadn't really been receiving much stimulation until after her orgasm occurred.

She did seem quite pleased by the quality of the orgasm and how I had done pretty much all the work. She commented how I kept teasing her and teasing her until finally I got her off. I was pretty pleased with myself and how I was able to take my wife to the orgasm, even though she was tired and not especially excited about the idea at the start. I am really loving the sex now, but I think I need to give my wife a bit of a break for a bit. We have a romantic weekend planned next week, and I don't want her to be overwhelmed before we get there. I definitely want there to be some good sex there, so it would help if she had a little desire and wanting at that time.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Swings of Desire, aka, Ovulation = Beer Goggles?

Is this chick ovulating?  Check out her
clingy clothes, symmetrical boobs,  the
manly companion... Signs point to "yes."
"People like to forget that we're animals, tied to the Earth and the tides," says a friend with a penchant for making such delightful proclamations. Yes, we think we're making rational decisions, exercising our free choice, and all that... but half the time--hell, maybe all the time--we're just blindly responding to our hormonal instructions like remote control cars in the hands of a sugared-up kid. To wit: a recent study showing that women buy sexier, clingier clothes while ovulating. (To those who spent sex ed class giggling in the back of the class: ovulation is the woman's fertile period. And if you don't start paying better attention, I'm going to have to break out my diagram of the female reproductive system.) One of the study's researchers--sounding less like a scientist and more like an evil cyborg villain from a future dystopian universe--noted a way that corporations could cash in this phenomenon by hitting up the ovulation-crazed females ready to shell out cash on push-up bras and the like:
"Our findings suggest marketers for many types of female products are well served to strategically time their mailings, coupons, electronic solicitations, and direct requests to the specific window when women are ovulating."
It's evil, I tell you! (Presumably the marketing flyers for unsexy clothes would arrive a couple weeks later. JC Penney's, it's your time to shine!) But ovulating women aren't spending all their time buying sexy clothes, they're mindlessly obeying their hormones in myriad ways. Women's voices get higher-pitched during ovulation, they walk differentlyprefer more masculine faces and are more susceptible to pick-up lines. During this period, they're also more likely to fantasize about someone other than their partner. (For your consideration: Javier Bardem in that scene in Vicky Christina Barcelona where he seduces two women by telling them, "Life is short, life is boring, life is full of pain," thus, they should immediately run off to an island with him for the weekend.)

Transformers Leader Optimus PrimeUm...what was I saying, oh yes, during ovulation, women's bodies change like some mutant Transformer, except instead of becoming robots in disguise, our ears, fingers and breasts get more symmetrical and skin color lightens. (Cue creepy sound effect to signify mutation.) Women actually get observably prettier, and subjects consistently rate ovulating women as more attractive.

And it's not just the ladies going all crazy with the hormones. Men think ovulating women smell better, they get more jealous of dominant males when their partner is ovulating and they give ovulating strippers more tips. ($70 an hour for the ovulating strippers vs. only $35 for the menstruating ones, but I'm guessing that's because the menstruating ones were probably sobbing in the corner, complaining that everyone had become a complete asshole.)

It all seems a little complex. I don't see why humans didn't just adopt the chimpanzee method of the females developing a big swollen pink butt when they're ready to go. It's a simple, obvious and clear signal of willingness. Although, admittedly, the pink butt route has its own drawbacks. Swollen pink butts do in fact make your butt look fat in those jeans, and pink butt makes it much more difficult to play it coy.

Female: Hmmm...I don't know if I'm interested...
Male: Uh, I can see your big ol' pink butt, you know.
Female: Oh, yeah, right....Let's go back to your place then.

Several friends and I have noticed that as we've entered our 40s, our cyclical swings of desire have become much more pronounced. One week we'd rather read a book, the next we're eying the bag boys at the grocery store. (Has the guy who brings the carts in always been so smokin'?) It's like when we're into it, we're WAY into it--like Superfreaks--and when we're not, well, eh, whatever. So here are your questions for the day: Are you elderly like us and is this happening to you as well? If so, is this an actual physical phenomenon, or have we just become more attuned to the rhythms of our bodies? And you too, men, how is your desire changing as you age? Comment below, or drop us an email.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Week In Misguided Googlers

As I've noted more that is probably reasonable (see also: Open Message to Terribly Disappointed New Readers and Sorry, No Explicit Pictures of "Penis in Vagina") I am consistently fascinated/amused/freaked out by the search terms people use that dump them unceremoniously here at In Bed With Married Women.

You see, no one ever searches for "wittyish blog about sex which, even though it's about sex, is difficult--if not impossible--to jack off to." Not that I can blame them--it is a bit wordy. Thus we are stuck with the dregs of search terms. I think Google gives us the searchers they don't know quite what to do with. This perhaps explains how the searcher who typed in "what say women uncut hair of penice and vagina can give more enjoyable sex?" landed bleary-eyed and confused here at In Bed. ("Women up the man in in bed" searcher, I'm talking to you, too.)

The tortured syntax, the untraditional "penice" spelling...oh you don't know the half of it. How about "pinnes bleach," "how to make my wife whim and groan in bed," "women hand jop &fucking the bedroom" and, my personal fave, "newely married women shoes her nacked body." I know some of these people are probably typing with one hand, but still... I can't help but conjure up the image of the woman with the nacked body enjoying a view of her lover's penice, perhaps followed by a hand jop then a "fucking of the bedroom," though the last part about them fucking the bedroom is sort of difficult to picture since I don't know what the hell it means.

Then there are the highly specific fetish searches. That would be "porn images of womens to wear female condon," "pictures of women anal bleaching," "sexy fursuit boobs" (as opposed to the unsexy kind, I suppose) and "train yourself to take a dildo deep in your colon." (Don't bother me now, I'm in training.) The searcher who typed in "fat anal blogger" was also sent to me, and don't think I'm happy about that one. Ditto for "women with saggy breasts are good lovers."

But my favorite search this week came from U.K. Google: "free pictures of female penile handling." I know Brits are supposed to be a bit more buttoned-up than Yanks, but "female penile handling"? Really? "I do say, Miss, might I trouble you for a spot of female penile handling?" (It's a nice touch that this person is unwilling to pay for their pix of penile handling.)

I will leave you today with this question posed by one searcher, who was perhaps overly trusting in Google to solve his ethical dilemma. "Is it wrong to fantasize about a married women?" he typed in fearfully. I say, "Geez, dude, get it together--even Jimmy Carter admitted to lust in his heart." But then I write an un-jackoffable sex blog, so I might be biased. What do you think?