Monday, March 24, 2014

The Mysterious Case of the Talking Onahole

Nothing to do with the post but kinda hot.
I am bitterly disappointed to report that the mystery of what the Onahole says remains:


This, despite entrants coming in via e-mail, comments, Facebook, and Twitter, including one entry from a dude who calls himself an Onahole reviewer.

There were plenty of guesses, not one of them remotely plausible. Although since I remain sadly ignorant of the true sentiments of the Onahole, maybe they were exactly right.  My favorites were:

"Now more orifice-like!" from Bill.
"Otaku? Easy to hide from mom!" from Spiffy.
"Now in original and extra-crispy!" from...actually I just made that one up.

But not one among you bothered to learn how to read enough Japanese to tell me what--dear god, what?--this Onahole wants me to know.

I have secrets I shall not share
That this plasticized Essence of Womanhood remains essentially unknowable seems metaphoric and this would certainly be the spot for something deep but thoughtful, but we'll need to plunge ahead without art and meaning and make our rudderless, unexamined way to the next thing, that is:
The winners of the "What Does The Onahole Say?" Contest!

The very prompt Christina wins the delightfully throbby vibrator the MiMi Rechargeable courtesy of Good Vibrations, the very first sex-positive sex toy store in the country. Which is why we love 'em. Also because the MiMi costs $89 bucks and I love to give away FABULOUS PRIZES. Note: whenever I write "fabulous prizes," I am typing it to be read as "FABulous Prizes!" like an old game show host, so read it like that, if you will.

Looks kind of like Eva from WALL-E, but you mustn't think of that.
And the enjoyably persistent and brave Fitzlurker wins the Fleshlight Flight. (Thanks again, Good Vibes!)

That?  That is, uh, my clarinet
Fitz and Christina, send in your addresses and your fuckable mail will soon be at your door.

Ok then.


Sunday, March 16, 2014

What Does the Onahole Say? New Contest! Win an Object to Have Sex With! (Or Make Love To--Up to You...)

Today's contest has not one, but TWO, fabulous prizes. Yes, two sex toys--both the really good, expensive kind with the highly desirable asset of Not Looking Like Creepy Disembodied Genitalia. There's one for each gender but if you're not into gender, go for whichever one you want.

MiMi Vibe: We might be sex toys. Or...we might be spying on you.
Prize #1, for women or persons of womanness: The MiMi Rechargeable Waterproof Vibrator, courtesy of our sex toy sugar mamas at Good Vibrations*, who sold me with the phrase "five vibration settings and pulsation patterns, ranging from slow and thuddy to fast and strong." It's also rated intensity 4, which... well, the scale only goes to 5, so expect some really righteous thuddy pulsations.
Prize #2, for guys or male-identified or friends of the penis:  A Fleshlight Flight Masturbation Sleeve (also from Good Vibes) which gave me a tiny touch of penis envy when I read this:

Inside, the non-descript entry hole and exclusive texture of the removable SuperSkin sleeve includes ridges, nubs and rings alternating from narrow to wider to offer a variety of sensations and cleans easily with warm water. The redesigned click and pop cap allows for easier access to the inner workings of the Flight, while threaded base adjusts the amount of suction felt on the back stroke– simply twist to adjust until the desired level is reached! Sleek, discreet and innovative, the Fleshlight Flight is the next generation of sensual stimulation.
Fleshlight: Please, please, fuck my "non-descript entry hole"

Adjustable suction--that sounds good, doesn't it? I would totally stick my at-this-point wholly imaginary dick in there. And "non-descript entry hole," while not the sexiest language in the world, at least implies that you won't be getting one of those excessively realistic looking Vulvas in a Stick (less popular sister store to Hot Dog on a Stick). And speaking of disembodied vaginas, as we often are, brings us right to your challenge:

Three ways to enter:
1.  Tell me what you think the Onahole (below) is saying. (For backstory, see post: Things People Have Sex With That Aren't Other People--Japanese Edition)
"Your message here"

Soar to new heights of personal pleasure with Fleshlight Flight Masturbation Sleeve. Sporting a high-tech, more compact design, this reusable masturbator features a tapering outer case for easier handling and a textured surface that adds an element of artistry. Inside, the non-descript entry hole and exclusive texture of the removable SuperSkin sleeve includes ridges, nubs and rings alternating from narrow to wider to offer a variety of sensations and cleans easily with warm water. The redesigned click and pop cap allows for easier access to the inner workings of the Flight, while threaded base adjusts the amount of suction felt on the back stroke– simply twist to adjust until the desired level is reached! Sleek, discreet and innovative, the Fleshlight Flight is the next generation of sensual stimulation. - See more at:
2. Tell me what you know the Onahole is saying because you read Japanese and can put me out of my misery of non-knowingness. I'm pretty sure this Onahole has answers for me of an Important Nature that only you can tell me.

3. Ignore the poor, voiceless Onahole but make up for it by doing the blog a favor. Buy or gift an IBWMW Kindle subscription. Share or retweet this contest. Share a favorite post or the blog in general. Follow or have a friend follow on Twitter, on Google + or like/share the IBWMW Facebook page.

Send in your answers or PR efforts below in a comment, an email to or fill out the comment form in the right margin. (Don't forget to tell me if you want the Mimi or the Fleshlight.) Good luck!

Winners will be announced Monday, March 24.


P.S. Some extra blog business for the very very dedicated. (Note: contains whining/Las notas: contienen lloriqueo) Run away! Run away!

1.  If you follow the IBWMW Facebook page, you are aware that FB is being a total asshat and will not show my (or any other) page in our fans' feeds unless we pony up some money to "boost" the posts. That means that even though our page has over 1200 "likes"--that is, people who already specifically indicated they wanted to hear from the page--Facebook will generally only show any given post to about 30 of them. Which blows. Some people see every damn post and some haven't seen one in months and have to click over to check themselves (which is a total pain--but dear god, they do it anyway!)  With the help of a ton of you (thank you!) on the page, we've tried to figure out what wacked out algorithm FB is relying on, but have only discovered that: A. FB hates links. B. FB likes it when people engage with a post by liking, sharing, and commenting on it. So do that.

And I'm not proud of this, but I finally paid $5 to "boost" a post to see what would happen. Unfortunately, the post involved the talking Onahole which apparently "violates Facebook's ad guidelines." Because they are obviously racist against Japanese sex toys.

So I am going to try to wean myself from Facebook's highly tempting teat. For now, I guess the best way to keep up with new posts is to check back here on your own, follow via Twitter or Google+ , get the blog emailed to you (link at right) or buy a Kindle subscription, except that....well, there's this:

2.  The IBWMW Minister of Science reports that upon trying to reinstate her Kindle subscription, she got the message that the blog was "not currently available for purchase." This might, I reasoned, though not being a Minister of Science myself, hold a clue to the sudden 40% drop in subscriptions. I contacted Amazon and they solved the problem by claiming it was available. Meanwhile:

I read that as "not currently available for purchase"
*Sigh* I'm working on fixing it as we speak. Let me know if it's working or not for you. In the meantime, you are welcome to bitch into the void.

However I discovered that if you do an Amazon search for In Bed With Married Women on your phone, it doesn't come up until the second page, way after various non-In Bed With Married Women titled items, including The Best of Barbara Mandrell (on friggin' cassette!) and the Saint Rita Casket ($3,495.00)

*Full disclosure. Good Vibes kicks back donates 20% of all purchases made through the blog back to the blog. Plus they give us sex toys, so they are in good with me. Unlike Amazon and Facebook. Grr...

Friday, March 7, 2014

Things People Have Sex With That Aren't Other People--Japanese Edition

Don't look at the side of the box. Really.
While the rest of the us are still primitively having sex with our toothbrushes, Buzz Lightyear dolls and slutty slutty pool noodles, sex toy scientists in Japan are hard at work (er...) figuring out the very latest in gadgets we can put on, up or over our sexual regions.*

So that you won't be the Goofus stuck in the corner having sex with a dumb ol' hollowed out cucumber while the Gallants are modernistically experiencing perfect mechanically-calibrated orgasms with futuristic machines, here's what's happening overseas:

1.  The Onahole

Yes, we have our fleshlights and whatnot (including this shower mounted model--go us!), but Japan has really dipped deeply into (yes, that's how it's going down today. sorry) the art of the onahole, which I think is Japanese for "vaginiaey stuff in a cup that you can fuck." Kind of like Cup O' Noodles, but with vagina. Japan has perfected the art of self-expression via onacup.  The Tenga Flip Holefor example, is white and sleek like something that should connect wirelessly to your iPhone.  According to the Amazon description, it "lets you blanket yourself in the gently bliss of delicate internal details!"  It also comes with three lotions, mild, wild and real (?) which, awesomely, are called Hole Lotion.
I told you.
For those who want some back story with their wank toy, there are holes featuring brides, virgins (hymen included) and even an "Unpopulated Island Survival" version with three different holes. There's "starter hole" for onahole first-timers, featuring the semi-depressing ad copy "a huge step forward for your single sex life" and a Fellatio Hole with...dear God...something called "Saliva Lotion."

What's strange about these is that, for some reason, they are sold as parody products "only" and all have the following note for anyone who mistakes a masturbation device as being for, you know, masturbation:

NOTE: This is a new novelty onahole from Japan for stress relief. It is intended for use as a joke gift item only.

But then they contain extensive way-too-detailed-for-a-joke specifications as well as semi-horrifying renderings as this:


If you know Japanese, please PLEASE tell me what these little blurbs say! Although I am actually more curious about the contents of the speech bubble in the photo below:

What does the Onahole say?

2. Extreme Onahole
I am uncomfortable with the amount of wires here

The A10 Cyclone "has a series of brushes that rotate back and forth over the item in question. Think of it as a shoe cleaner for you weenus," wrote John Biggs in TechCrunch, who called the Cyclone "overwhelming" and, less importantly, called his cock a "weenus." The Cyclone sounds pretty hardcore, like the boy equivalent to the jackhammer intensity of the Magic Wand, so use caution putting anything in there, including one's weenus. Although you would of course never do that, because these--even the top-of-the-line $150 A10 Piston-- are also *wink* only a joke gift.

3. Love Doll Brothels

Finally, if you need not just the three holes, but a whole fake body to fuck, there are brothels in Japan offering the company of love dolls. It's disease- and sex trafficking-free which is good. But when I saw this photo:

Awkward silence. Permanently.
I became concerned about, of all things, their sound system. Not only would it have to cover up the sound of dudes grunting away over their ladies, but also mask the unsettling silence of the dolls, sitting there like eerily mute mannequins/cadavers/something-else-creepy.

I also became oddly riveted by this video in which three guys from VICE visit a low-end brothel and schtup the dolls.  I'm not entirely sure if I was offended or entertained. It was fascinating to see this sort of vérité version of a brothel visit. The dolls are poorly made (new hole for each customer, if you were wondering), the guys find it difficult to get hard and can't figure out a comfortable doll coitus position. At one point, a doll's head falls off.

The VICE editor is kind of a douche, and picks a way young-looking schoolgirl doll. (V. popular, btw). On one hand it's creepy as fuck that everyone wants to have sex with a girl, but on the other hand, it's a doll, not a girl. So perhaps one more doll-girl fucker equals one less real-girl fucker? There's weird anthropomorphizing element here that confuses things. Even though it's just a bit of plasticky stuff that getting fucked, it's girl-shaped plasticky stuff getting fucked -- girl-shaped plasticky stuff getting fucked in a bedroom decorated with pink, princesses and stuffed animals.

So...I don't know. At this point, I've offended child-welfare advocates, the nation of Japan (hey, my best friend is Japanese), as well as ensured that I'll never write for VICE. My work here is done.

Oh yeah, and if you get a chance, go on over and visit/share my new article in Cosmo on the 8 Worst Sexy Inventions for Women


*As you may recall, Japan has long been a leader in sexual aids, except back then they just flat out admitted it was not about novelty but rather for the real, deep stuff, specifically, the "Key to the Sex Question."  Have a look at this 1930 Japanese marital aid catalog "Women Happy Medicine", to discover that the Key had something to do with lots of pointy things: