Monday, April 23, 2018

My New Dick

My new dick arrived the other day.

His given name is Buck and he was sent to me by Good Vibrations for a story on pegging.

Buck came in a clear plastic cylinder, as though he'd been captured in the wild, mid-fuck, but only temporarily subdued. Even after his long journey through the postal service, he remained swollen and hard.

A few days later, when no one was around, I pulled him out from under my bed--where the pervy things live--and held him tentatively.

Not to brag, but he is pretty fucking glorious. Buck's not too long, but super thick--like so thick that when I tried to wrap my hand around him, only my thumb and middle finger could touch. He is firm but has a soft outside that feels preternaturally realistic. His girth makes him seems sort of brutish, like the kind of dick who would fuck while wearing a wife beater.

According to random internet articles, upon receiving a new penis, you should first get used to wearing it. I guess it's like trying on new shoes and walking around the shoe store, except not with shoes and certainly not at the shoe store because although I suppose the specific law "don't walk around a shoe store test-wearing your big ol dildo" is not on the books, it's probably still some sort of misdemeanor.

I was too wigged out to do the test run at home--the thought of anyone coming to my door and seeing me wearing Buck about the house was unacceptable. So I snuck him out in a bag and took him to a house where I was dog-sitting. (Um, if I happen to dog sit for you, this was totally not your house.)

I was weirdly elated as I got out all the new paraphernalia. There was Buck standing erect, as is his way, plus a black leather harness thing. (Not this one specifically, but kinda like it.) It's like a string bikini, with a dildo hole thing on the front ("dildo hole" is not its actual name, at least I hope not) and adjustable straps on the sides. My particular harness was truly one-size-fits-all. Not only did it fit me, but it could accommodate up to a 52 inch waist. If nothing else, I could always save it as a pair of makeshift fat pants, in case nothing else fit.

After an embarrassing amount of time, though one could argue that this is the least embarrassing thing I've told you so far, I finally figured out the tangle of leather straps and saddled up. I stuck Buck out through the dildo hole, adjusted him so he was sticking up and out at a jaunty angle and walked out to the kitchen to get a feel for dick-having.

It seemed, actually, normal enough. I felt that if called upon, I could wield this cock. I knew what it was to be well-fucked and I could simply do those things from the other side of the equation. So with both of the kinds of cockiness inherent in my situation (jesus, sorry, what's wrong w/ me?),*  I wandered back to the bedroom to behold myself, be-dicked, in the floor-to-ceiling mirrors.

It was at that moment that the dog came into the room, poked his nose between my legs, and immediately started licking Buck.

As I yanked my penis away (for better or worse, Buck, sensationless, felt nothing) I caught a quick glimpse of myself in the mirror--wearing a silicone penis and being fellated by a dog.

It was, to date, the most fucked up moment of my life.

I'm not sure if it was the existential absurdity of the moment or the magnitude of wrongness going on at once, but as I drove home to wash the living hell out of Buck, I was  sort of pleased with myself. Like, "Yeah, I'm the kind of chick who has subversive #@%$ like this going on." It's probably not the correct way to respond, but that's what happened with me. 


*It says a lot about me, none of it horribly favorable, that I feel way more embarrassed about the bad joke than the general content of this entire post.

[This is a rerun. Please remain calm.]


Ivan Pavlov said...

Obviously you're not a man. If you were, you would have stood there for a minute pondering whether or not to let the dog continue.

Jill Hamilton said...

Hahaha! Ivan, you just made my brain explore a little.

Brian Gross said...

My dog understands sex and... it is bizarre.

Jill Hamilton said...

Brian, there is so much unsaid in that comment.

Jane des Plaines said...

You've got me wondering what Buck smells like. He almost has to smell like food because why would the dog lick him, otherwise? Did you handle him with tasty hands?

in bed with married women said...

Hey Jane! I think it was the wobbliness of Buck, maybe? Like he looked like a toy? Which he is, i guess, technically. Or maybe we was being kindly, helpin' a brother out?

Mongo, At The Moment said...

Not all Dogs are alike. There's absolutely no way in creation that I would lick a dildo, unless (a) It would save a life; (b) It would save my own life; or (c) You know; significant money.

What I'm curious about is where Buck's name came from. Did GV choose it; is it associated with a specific model?

Jill Hamilton said...

Mongo, I don't know, you might change your ways if you saw Buck.
That was the name he came with--well, him and all his identical brothers going out into the world to seek their respective dildic fortunes.

Spiffy McBang said...

Oh, hell. I figured you named it after Buck Angel. But now that I'm reconsidering it, I'm not sure if that would be perfectly fitting or a total insult.

Jill Hamilton said...

Oh Spiffy that would have been way more intellectual of me, but I just went with his previous name. Like if you adopt a pet that already has a name, any attempts to re-name are futile.

Anonymous said...

i thought i was laughing pretty hard and commending myself on keeping my tea from coming out my nose, and then oh god the comments section... thanks dear, I needed this post today. also, i've always wanted to try that, and have a feeling i'd have a nearly identical experience and train of thought to yours :D -dr.a.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jill
As a person who owns a flesh-and-blood version of buck (not that big of course)
I recall that it feels odd to try to walk and move around when he is in that condition (tumescent).
I will add that, as an older man, this does not happen very often anymore but still I offer this as a pointer: it feels better to walk with an erection while holding "buck" in one hand to keep him out of the way of things while moving. (And, full disclosure, it just feels good)
Another pointer: Look closely and you should se a small indentation in "Bucks" base for a tiny bullet vibe:...a little something for the wearer.
And lastly, WE happy readers want to know how it feels for you to walk around wearing "buck" while wearing slacks over him. Please do write! TB

Jill Hamilton said...

TB, ha well, i don't think ol' buck can be contained by mere pants. he goes his own way.

Anonymous said...

gasp! wow.........thanks

Frank Marshall said...

hate it when this happens!

Cannibal said...

if Buck needs to spelunk...well, I , know, for Science & stuff.
* raises hand, volunteers *