"Vagisil Porn"

Loretta, grab your steno pad! I have
 an idea that's gonna make us a mint!

(***Important Note to Readers: the following post does not contain any actual Vagisil porn.)

I promised myself I would not write about Misguided Googlers anymore. But yesterday I looked at In Bed With Married Women's search terms because, well, I just can't help it. It's such a voyeuristic thrill to see what weird-ass things people are searching for. A peak into the hidden soul of humanity, if you will. And it was so worth it because, I mean, look at the kind of stuff fresh-scrubbed Citizens of the World eagerly entered into the (supposed) privacy of their search boxes:

--"my vagina smells peppery"

--"it's your anus" (True, that.  And the name of a great new sitcom coming this fall on NBC.)
--"how to make your butt hole look nice" (Um, it's a butt hole...)
--"Grandma 7 vibrator" (The Grandma 6 vibrator wasn't properly grounded, I'm guessing.)
--"how meny kind of penice&vegena foto?" (Is this rhetorical? A zen koan?)
---"really bad noises in bed" (Actually, that one sounds kind of interesting.)
--"Captain and Tennille Twenty Years of Romance" (Oh, dear.)

But my personal favorite was: "how to make a Mangina." For those of you didn't see this post, a Mangina is a fake vagina g-string thing that a man wears to create the (very weak) illusion that he's sporting a vag. Which is fine. Whatever, if you want to wear one, go for it. But my advice to you is, if you're going to wear an Mangina, don't try to make one at home. For fuck's sake, spend the money and buy a real Mangina! I mean, coming upon someone wearing any Mangina would be upsetting enough, but someone wearing a flippin' pipe cleaner and construction paper homemade Mangina...? No, that will simply not do.

And finally, since I wrote this post on Vagisil, Google has taken to sending a bunch of Vagisil search traffic my way. I'm getting lots of "Vagisil ad offensive to women," "Vagisil doesn't work," blah blah blah, but I am particularly fond of this one, "Vagisil fuck yea". Vagisil. Fuck. Yea. It's like poetry.

Which leads us to the aforementioned "Vagisil porn," which, as my husband pointed out--far too gleefully, if you ask me--provides In Bed With Married Women as the top hit. This is because there is no actual Vagisil porn. None! Perhaps it's because Vagisil porn is not sexy. ("Oh yeah, you like that cloying floral fragrance my vag is emitting, don't you? Mmmmm, I think I need some more Vagisil... right... now... please... that's right... oh yeah...there.... yes, yes, yes, MAKE ME FEEL FRESH!!!!")  OR, it could be that Vagisil porn is a vast untapped market. I mean, there's that one eager customer already. Surely he's not the only Vagisil perv, I mean, Vagisil connoisseur. Is financial solvency knocking on your door in the form of an Internet connection, a digital camera and a big tube of Vagisil? Think about it. And you're welcome.

xoxo
jill

(yes, it's a rerun. I'm sorry. I have kids! Plus I need to freak out daily about the State of the Country. I will get to you though. Soon. Contest! )

Welcome "Sexually Aroused by Foam"!

I feel sorry for Google, I really do. Yes, Google is our current and future Mind-Control Overlord and all that, what with its frighteningly extensive and accurate knowledge of our secret desires and obsessions (see also: Web-Browser History A Chronicle Of Couple's Unspoken Desires in The Onion) and yet...

Well, sometimes I think we just ask too much of Google. I mean, judging by the search terms that land searchers confused and bleary-eyed here at In Bed With Married Women... I can see why Google sent them to me because, honestly, where the hell else should they go?

I mean, take the person who typed in vagina pad for camouflaging fat. Where would you send them?  What the hell do they even want? I think Google tries to meet everyone's needs, but sometimes it must throw its algorithmically-formulated hands into the air like, "Fuck it, I don't know that. Send them over to IBWMW."

Really, what is Google supposed to do with a query like: what toy can make my pussy fat? That is an UNANSWERABLE QUESTION. Google is not a zen master, it's a computer search engine. The answer, which Google is certainly too polite to say, is "Why the fuck do you want a toy that makes your pussy fat? A. It doesn't exist and B. That is stupid. Go away and don't come back around here until you find something reasonable to search for." This also goes for 2050 horse fuck women house as well send them home. Um....what? When Google got that particular query, it just backed away slowly and nudged them in my direction. "Here you go, this nice lady will take real good care of you."

And oh lord, the forbidden little fetishes and excessively specific sexual desires that Google gets to be/has to be privy to. I understand having a bit of a preference for something--I myself like me some big brown eyes--but maybe these folks could expand their horizons a wee bit more so they don't need to be seeing an old man taking a hand job to get off. C'mon, mix it up!  Try "Spanish men taking a hand job" or even just plain old "hand jobs." There's probably only so much porn featuring old men getting hand jobs and at some point you're going to tap it out. And then where will you be?  I'd offer the same (unasked for) advice to the searchers of: strawberry shortcake sex, women who crave big ball sacks, women wearing female condom porn, anal hair plug fake, my little pony sex, fake vagina string, charming tranny bear (as opposed to the uncharming ones who are just kind of dicks), girl using vagisil porn, old ladys who love to fuck animals and, my personal favorite, sexually aroused by foam.  As for the person who typed in free porn having sex with a cucumber hollowed out: Dude, the pay cucumber porn site is worth it--WAY hotter.

Sometimes I think Google just sends certain people to amuse me. I was strangely pleased by Give the images of Indian womans penis in vagina because it sounds like someone addressing a genie in a bottle. "Genie!" they command, clapping smartly. "Give the images of Indian womans penis in vagina!" And I was honored to see that IBWMW was the #8 choice for sex with stuffed animals, because it's always nice to be top-rated in something. (Note to self: Ask Marketing Director about new slogan: "Your #8 Choice in Sex with Stuffed Animals," plus product tie-ins?)  And I like that someone searched for mmm sex ass, though I can't really say why.

Sometimes I think Google is just messing with people. A shockingly high number of folks have earnestly typed in the phrase explicit pictures of penis in vagina only to be cruelly directed to my post entitled, Sorry, No Explicit Pictures of "Penis In Vagina". Ha ha, sucker.

And other times I think Google is messing with me. Sending matronly bosoms or pendulous breasts boring sex to me? Hey, thanks a lot, Google. And what were you thinking sending smut mouth married woman to me? Oh, wait, I get it. Right. I'll just let myself out.

image: Aladdin finds the Genie’s lamp in the magic garden. From Aladdin und die Wunderlampe (Aladdin and the Wonder Lamp), illustrated by Max Liebert, 1912. From Project Gutenberg public domain texts.

"Shocking (fine) details of a gentle vagina," aka the Misguided Googlers' Quarterly Report

A German variation on Pesäpallo 

In preparation for the IBWMW International Summit in Helsinki, in which we will discuss Important Matters over plates of Karelian pasty (karjalanpiirakka)--a traditional Finnish dish made from a thin rye crust with a filling of rice and topped with munavoi--I am creating a presentation tentatively titled Trends in Misguided Googlers®.

As we saw earlier this week, the IBWMW Ministers of Science, Grammar and Homographs are a prickly bunch (so far, thankfully, the Minister of Technology is staying neutral) so I want to make sure I don't unduly rile anyone up. Plus the stockholders are, well, let's just say they are beyond pissed off at the blog's financial statements.

There's a lot at stake and to be honest, I'm getting kind of wigged out. So mind if I run it by you first?

Good, then, here goes:

*Clanking of spoon on glass filled with Salmiakkikossu, a drink made by dissolving salty-licorice in strong spirits resulting in "an intense black liquid with a stingy smell that tastes like old fashioned cough syrup." I will only pretend to drink said "stingy" drink in order to appear polite to our Finnish liaison, Jaakko.*

"Assembled IBWMW Ministers, welcome. My remarks will be brief today as I have been advised of the Minister of Science's afternoon session of Pesäpallo, the national sport of Finland, which is a baseball-like game similar to brännboll, rounders, and lapta.

I've been reviewing the list of search terms used by Misguided Googlers®. My findings may interest you. Besides the usual items, your penices and veginas,  the seemingly endless variety of endings to the phrase married women like to fuck..., and the multitude of boob descriptions (i.e. matronly, sagging, pointy, perky, jutting, disappointing), I've identified several less obvious trends. I say we exploit the fuck out of  find ways to serve these underserved markets. Perhaps we can direct our outreach efforts to the following users:

1.  People with passion: These are the Googlers that don't just drearily type in their search terms, they infuse them with passion! This expressive group dynamically searches for things like sex in bed yeah ass and titys, ooooh, vibrating cock ring oh yeah, oh little dick, and wow! boys wanking. These on-the-go, high-achievers are a natural market for Kindle subscriptions to IBWMW.

2. People who treat Google as genie/slave: This practical group says--nay, demands--exactly what they need. Their on-point, direct searches include: Let's see some older women getting fucking and I need to see women being fucked with gridle on. (A sidenote: I'm pretty sure that last searcher meant "girdle," but I have our Finnish intern Kyllikki researching that to make sure.) This demanding group knows what it wants. They want service and they want it fast. I recommend we push the Good Vibrations merch on them, hard.

3.  Needs more research: Despite international cooperation, no one can decipher what these potential customers actually want. Terms include: miraculous bra groping me, on March 8 big boobs and penis on the cult, and anus looking. Oh, there's a change on your handouts: Kyllikki has just informed me that her research indicates that pictures of sewiest womens pussy may contain a typo.

4. Way too fucking specific. Butt shot with pink panties in a bed with a white headboard, a horse with no name fucks women, floppy foreskin, feather duster in the butt, stuffed animal teddy bear bondage, girl masturbating with a spatula, woman masturbating with candy, woman touching balloons, nice cow looking tits on a woman, and finally underwear with inflatable pads and genital enhancements and hidden pickets and hidden pouches and patents. I think we can appeal to this demographic directly. When I get back to the States, I will prepare posts on anonymous horse sex, nice cow looking tits, and whatever the fuck that wordy underwear weirdo is talking about. We'll appeal to them in their "sweet spots"--then bam!--make the sale.

5.  Easily pleased. Searches include: Boobage, good vagina, and porn regular. These simple folk don't need flippin' pink panties and white headboards, they're perfectly happy with 1 pic of penis in vagina. Let's hit these folks up for a straight donation. They are cheery, angst-free folks who are happy to contribute.

6.  Way too upsetting. Hansel and Gretel + naked, yak and woman fuking (so far no interest indicated for yak and woman macking lov) and smelling Grandma's vagina. Here we run into legal as well as aesthetic ramifications. I say we leave these folks alone.

7. Oddly poetic/Things I wish I had posted about: fascinating boobs, a smart and fabulous fucking experience, and my very favorite, shocking (fine) details of a gentle vagina.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going for my afternoon sauna to contemplate precisely how handy one would have to be to come up with a DIY homemade inflatable sex doll that wasn't completely and wretchedly unfuckable."

xoxoxo and Näkemiin
jill

photo source

Misguided Googler Contest, Plus G-Spot Finding

As decreed on the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page, I'm compiling a list of reading materials referenced on the blog. Said materials (mentioned by me or readers) will include plain ol' smut to smarty-pants sciencey/sociological things to stuff that's funny. (And do let me know if you have any recommendations.)

Anyway the task is way more arduous than I was expecting and the kid I hired as IBWMW Minister of Arduous Tasks didn't show up for work today, so I'm gonna need more time.

To make up for my trail of broken promises (I swear, kid, we're gonna make it big someday!), I offer you this contest. Your task:

Match the Misguided Googler's search terms with the IBWMW post Google sent them to.

Search Terms (as spelled)
1.  "is it ok to fuck married women in ass"
2.  "why married women deire anal pleasure with vibrators"
3.  "picture ofpenise in vegina"
4.  "grateful old slags getting screwed" (IBWMW is the #3 choice for this, btw. Which is bittersweet.)
5.  "sex porno sperm from mouth to your vintage"

Google-suggested IBWMW landing page:
a. The Fuckiest Conest Around
b. The IBWMW home page
c. Spatula, I'm taking your ass down."
d. How Wanking It Created the Universe and Other Theories on Masturbation
e. Sorry, No Explicit Picture of Penis in Vagina

First one to correctly match the search terms with the landing page wins The Pop Tops Deluxe Silicon G-spotter from Good Vibrations. It's designed to go on top of the infamous Hitachi Magic Wand Massager  (you rest the flattened end pleasantly against your G-spot). So if you don't have a Hitachi Magic Wand, you're kinda out of luck--in many ways, or so I've heard. Lack of G-spot* could present a problem as well. (If you prefer, I can send you the huge-ass bag of 20 Lifestyles condoms Planned Parenthood recently gave me, clearly way way overestimating the amount of sex I would be having in the 7 days it would take my new IUD to become effective.)

You can answer in a comment below or via email. I'll announce the winner when someone gets it right.

xoxo
jill

*To get my mind off the suddenly very depressing fact that I didn't use the 20 condoms, and even perhaps even need to go back and demand more at once ("Only 20 for 7 days? Seriously?"), let me ask you this: Did you read any stories about that largely discredited "cosmetic gynecologist" (puke) who claims to have discovered the G-spot in the corpse of an 83 year old Polish woman? On one hand, I was happy that he described the spot as "grape-like" instead the usual "shaped like a bean" description since, as you recall, the bean is the least sexy of the legumes. (see also:  How to Have a G-Spot Orgasm).

But on the other hand, I couldn't help but wonder if that Polish woman was having that out-of-body death experience where her soul floats over her body. As she headed peacefully to the light, did she take one last glimpse back upon her earthly self and see this, this...guy, what? What the...? Was he sticking his fingers up her wang?!** What, after all these years?  Now? NOW, someone looks for her g-spot? And a handsome(ish) doctor, no less? "No, no, not ready yet! There is more I must do!" she yells wordlessly, as she glides, no longer so peacefully, toward the warm, glowing light.

** Actually it was a billion times less sexy than this. According the Miami Herald, he "peeled back the six layers of the cadaver's vaginal wall and found a sac structure between the fifth and sixth layers that housed grape-like clusters of erectile tissue." "Peeled!" Holy crap!

(photo: Anonyme - Nu aux bras levés, ca. 1930) 

"big tide nipple fuck sliping in bedroom"

I, too, often stand topless
next to my lava lamp.

"Big tide nipple fuck sliping in bedroom."

Ah yes, faithful IBWMW readers will recognize this, not as the beginning of a provocative haiku, but rather as the unmistakably tortured syntax, poor spelling and unclear desires of a Misguided Googler®.

So I have an idea. In the interest of trying to run a good business around here (suddenly thought of new blog motto: "Where the Customer Counts," replacing former blog motto "A Cry for Help"), let's have a look at this month's trends in Misguided Googlers®, shall we? Please get out your folders and direct your attention to the screen in front of the room.

As I see it, the keyword trends directing people to this corner of the Internet are as follows:

1. Sexy time with bedposts:  "Women fucking bed poles." "Free videos of women coming on the bed post."

2. Excessively specialized requests:  "Big tits women7" (not sure why big tits women6 was not acceptable to this searcher, but I'm not here to judge.) "Naked female mail carriers." (rrraowwr!) "Jill St. John Lost World camel toe," "cunnilingus in World War I."

3.  Not even asking a question, just bragging:  "I fucked the older woman down the street."

4. Various and sundry requests for married women doing assorted sexual things:  Including married women... "loving cock," "fucking a stranger," "who like to suck any cock they can"...you get the idea. That's why it was so refreshing to find "married women driving naked." (post idea, cashing in on two trends at once: married women mail carriers driving naked.)

5.  Just funny, though I can't really say why: "Can I put fat sex toy in woman virgina." Hell, why not? "Mmm old woman sex," "gay water," "how to catch married woman for fuck." And my favorite, "homemade fuck."

6.  Flattering (certainly, this had to have been my husband): "Blow job marriage divine jill hamilton."

7.  Insulting: "Long and sagging titties." Not me, darlin'. You have come to the wrong place. (Try again in a few years though!)

8. Racist old Southern woman hitting the sherry and drunk Googling: "Wife in bed with a black."

9. Kind of ick: "Fuck horse cervix," "elderly fuck toy," "dog fuck wife in a bedroom." (the bedroom specified because dog fucking wife in kitchen = unacceptable, I guess.)

10. What the hell?!?: "Vagisil porn," "tentacle eroticism," "sexy chipmunk costume," "dildo masturbation ikea," "vagina cupcakes," "inner dildo-y part plus so-called 'rabbit ears' for outer stimulation," "fuckable household objects," "Snuggle bear gets fucked." Oh wait... *blush*...those are all legit.

So, anyone have any business insights? Ways to cash in and whatnot?

If not, I'll leave you with one more search term, "Woman slow hip rolling in bed to orgasm" which I might have to search myself because it sounds kind of hot. I can only hope that wherever I land, they will treat me kindly.

****This just in!:  Due to this post, IBWMW is now the #2 choice for the search term "married woman fuking dogs." New new blog motto:  "Lots of married woman and dog fuking."

(photo source: Space Ghost Depressed)


Note: For more frequent Misguided Googler updates, "like" the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page.

We're Number 3,513,232! Suck it, Number 3,513,233!

Instead of doing any number of the productive tasks lurking annoyingly on my to-do list, I just spent the better part of an hour studying my Alexa ranking. Alexa rankings, for the non-nerds among you, tell you how popular your blog is, what keywords are working for you, and whatnot. Checking your Alexa ranking is a somewhat masturbatory activity in that it's a self-involved and vaguely shameful way to spend one's time, but unlike actual masturbation, it doesn't necessarily end well.

What I love about Alexa is that it presents the largely obscene In Bed With Married Women data in such a serious, business-like fashion. Alexa seems to think I am transmitting their data directly to In Bed With Married Women World Headquarters, where crisply efficient workers enter it via punch cards into a room-sized computer. There are lots of numbers bandied about, and talk of percentages and "high impact search queries." Thus, Alexa informs me gravely, the search query "yes I have done a mangina" has suffered a 1.32% decline. On the plus side, "vajazzling porn," "fuckable women," and "anatomically correct fur suit" are all climbing the charts. Perhaps I will present this information at the Board Meeting on Monday.

Actually, I'm not sure how accurate Alexa really is because it lists one of top search queries for the month as "is your anus stained by poo". Now, I am willing to accept that one person, maybe even up to three people, used that search term to find me--but come on!--I get thousands of visitors to this site, many of them through search terms. I refuse to accept that "is your anus stained by poo" is one of my top draws. I simply won't have it.

I am much more willing to believe the data that comes from Google Analytics. Over there "In Bed With Married Women" is the top search query, as it cussing well should be, and the top ten are all non-embarrassing variations of that. (Well, except for #5 "how to bleach your anus at home" which I will choose to ignore.) Way, way down the list are the usual what-the-hell-people-seriously-Google-this? kinds of queries I so enjoy such as, "alien dildoing self," "deflated boobs porn," (hey, watch it, buddy!) "bad sounds from women," and, oddly, "our forefathers" (Whoops! Wrong page!).

I am especially fond of the query "red-head-perfect-shapped-body-in-bed-with-nice-ass-tags-skin-hair-foot-feet-small-ass" for its excessive specificity ("I distinctly typed in that my perfect 'shapped' redhead should have skin! This redhead is not only skinless, but clearly has a medium--not small--ass!") But my favorite of the week was "free and no signing up for videos of women fucking their dogs." I think this searcher has been burned before. "I want to see women fucking their dogs, but no way am I paying. And NO sign ups! That's how they get ya!" I emailed this breaking dog fucking news to my friend who responded--and this is why I love him so: "You gotta pay, otherwise you just get short, lo-rez vids and the dogs are always ugly. Plus, when you pay, they always throw in a couple of horses, too." Totally. Besides, those free dog fucking videos always just jump straight into the action. Maybe it's because I'm a girl or something, but I need some back story. Tell me a little bit more--WHY are the females fucking their dogs? Is it angry sex? Make-up sex? Is the cat watching?

But for now, I need to run over to Headquarters to get our numbers guys on some data analysis. After all, you don't get to be the Alexa 3,513,232th most visited web site in the world (yeah, that's right, baby) without some good business sense. And lots of talk about aliens dildoing themselves.


(photo source: http://wickedknickers.tumblr.com)

The Week in Misguided Googlers, Redux

Does penice have two c's?

Last night, as I am wont to do, I was looking up the Google search terms people use to find In Bed With Married Women. This was suitably pleasing, as always. I saw the weird search terms ("how to make fursuit penises"), the weirder ("wifes first attempt at fucking a dog") and the blunt ("BOOBAGE"). And, as usual, plenty of requests for "nacked" women, but the one that stood out to me was "looking at anus." "Looking at anus." It was enigmatic--what did that person even want? Why "looking at anus" instead of a more obvious choice such as "photos of anus" or "anus pictures"? Were they interested in looking at anus themselves, or did they want to see a picture of someone else looking at anus?

I remarked on this to my husband, who idly wondered many Google pages Mr. Looking at Anus had to go through before In Bed With Married Women popped up. (It could, I suppose, be Mrs. Looking at Anus. Or more likely was just her name through marriage...) Well, there was nothing to do but type in "looking at anus" myself to find out. To my surprise and horror, In Bed With Married Women is the number two hit. That's right, if you want "looking at anus," apparently In Bed With Married Women is the place to be. It sits there above the #3 hit, a HealthBoards post involving an "ulcer looking sore inbetween scrotum and anus" and the #1 hit, a collegehumor.com headline reading, "The most realistic chocolate anus we've ever seen." And this point, my search history was a slutty, ravaged mess anyway, so I clicked through to discover that there is a company in England that sells chocolate anuses (ani?) in three flavors. On their site, they take great pains to inform the customer of the high quality of their chocolate anuses, noting darkly, "unlike some other unscrupulous novelty shops who get their chocolates made in China."

For us, making chocolate is an art, which is why we only produce traditional hand made chocolate of the highest standard. We also believe the anus range can dissolve cultural boundaries of race, gender, and sexual orientation.   

It's a little high-fallutin'-- it is a chocolate butt, after all. Still, if chocolate butts can ease race relations, break down sexual stereotypes and whatnot, I'm all for it. I am concerned, however, that they might have trouble finding an ample customer base. In a famous(ish) experiment by Paul Rozin, he presented subjects with fudge formed into a realistic likeness of dog poo. Although the subjects knew intellectually that the fudge was just plain old fudge, most of them couldn't bring themselves to eat it. (And most, I imagine, were also wondering why the hell this weird research guy kept insisting they try the dog poo-shaped fudge.) Anus is somewhat higher on the edibility scale than dog poo, but to most people, I'm guessing, not quite enough higher.

Anyway, all this has nothing to do with married women, sex or even beds. But maybe that's okay. Maybe I'll just follow the advice of one anonymous In Bed commenter who suggested,

Hmm... If it's pageviews you're after, meebee you should add those misspellings / unfortunate phrases to your metadata. You'll get the number one search ranking for "hair of penice" in no time. 

I don't actually know what "metadata" is, but when I find out, I just might do it. So if you're in need of top-notch, high-quality info on your penice, giving hand jops, being nacked or, of course, our specialty, looking at anus, we'll be here to meet your needs.

The Week In Misguided Googlers

As I've noted more that is probably reasonable (see also: Open Message to Terribly Disappointed New Readers and Sorry, No Explicit Pictures of "Penis in Vagina") I am consistently fascinated/amused/freaked out by the search terms people use that dump them unceremoniously here at In Bed With Married Women.

You see, no one ever searches for "wittyish blog about sex which, even though it's about sex, is difficult--if not impossible--to jack off to." Not that I can blame them--it is a bit wordy. Thus we are stuck with the dregs of search terms. I think Google gives us the searchers they don't know quite what to do with. This perhaps explains how the searcher who typed in "what say women uncut hair of penice and vagina can give more enjoyable sex?" landed bleary-eyed and confused here at In Bed. ("Women up the man in in bed" searcher, I'm talking to you, too.)

The tortured syntax, the untraditional "penice" spelling...oh you don't know the half of it. How about "pinnes bleach," "how to make my wife whim and groan in bed," "women hand jop &fucking the bedroom" and, my personal fave, "newely married women shoes her nacked body." I know some of these people are probably typing with one hand, but still... I can't help but conjure up the image of the woman with the nacked body enjoying a view of her lover's penice, perhaps followed by a hand jop then a "fucking of the bedroom," though the last part about them fucking the bedroom is sort of difficult to picture since I don't know what the hell it means.

Then there are the highly specific fetish searches. That would be "porn images of womens to wear female condon," "pictures of women anal bleaching," "sexy fursuit boobs" (as opposed to the unsexy kind, I suppose) and "train yourself to take a dildo deep in your colon." (Don't bother me now, I'm in training.) The searcher who typed in "fat anal blogger" was also sent to me, and don't think I'm happy about that one. Ditto for "women with saggy breasts are good lovers."

But my favorite search this week came from U.K. Google: "free pictures of female penile handling." I know Brits are supposed to be a bit more buttoned-up than Yanks, but "female penile handling"? Really? "I do say, Miss, might I trouble you for a spot of female penile handling?" (It's a nice touch that this person is unwilling to pay for their pix of penile handling.)

I will leave you today with this question posed by one searcher, who was perhaps overly trusting in Google to solve his ethical dilemma. "Is it wrong to fantasize about a married women?" he typed in fearfully. I say, "Geez, dude, get it together--even Jimmy Carter admitted to lust in his heart." But then I write an un-jackoffable sex blog, so I might be biased. What do you think?

An Open Message To Terribly Disappointed New Readers

To the readers who used the following (real-life!) search terms and found themselves deposited unceremoniously here at In Bed With Married Women, I offer my profuse apologies. I know you very carefully typed in your search terms like, "sexy mail carrier Atlanta," "clitoris video bed boat," and "married woman likes butt touch." I'm just as shocked as you that you ended up here, but fully confident you will eventually find your married woman who likes butt touch. (Helpful hint: maybe wait a few dates to bring up the whole butt touch thing.) And please rest assured that if I knew what a "clitoris video bed boat" was, In Bed With Married Women would make every effort to assure your needs were met.

I sincerely hope that you searchers with poor grammar and/or barely fathomable spelling skills find what you were really looking for. Yes, I'm taking about you, people who typed in "happy to exhibits their inhibitions,""vajazzing in southerb california" and "string bad seks."

Person who typed in "plastic roof ero," well, I don't know what the hell you were looking for, but I'm pretty certain you didn't find it here. Sorry. And to the Internet user who asked their search engine, "Do women like furries?": If you're asking me personally, then the answer is "no." But I'm sure there's a nice little filly out there somewhere who will like your sexy chipmunk costume just fine.

And finally, dear reader who searched for "look at pics of + wifes worn out stretched vagina," I'm not sure why you were directed here, but I have to say that I'm a little miffed at Google for thinking that In Bed With Married Women would fit the bill.

So, to you all, I say: Please, enjoy your .0004 second visit to In Bed With Married Women! Come again any time.

Sorry, No Explicit Pictures Of "Penis In Vagina"

In Bed With Married Women subscribes to a service that lists the most popular search terms people use to get to the site. But what I like better are the unpopular search terms. For some (probably unhealthy) reason, I enjoy picturing people being woefully disappointed when they find In Bed instead of what they were really looking for. Like the person who typed in the search terms "explicit pictures of penis in vagina" and found no such pictures, just some chick talking about weird sex toys and the like. I mean, they could not have been more specific about their Internet desire. Penis in vagina, dammit. Plain as day.

That's not as bad as whoever innocently typed in "footbag," but instead of finding some mellow hacky-sack tips, were transported onto the post about furries who like to play hacky-sack.  Ack! Delete! Delete!

Other unpopular search terms included: "hubby masturbate lovers cock," "can't stop thinking about married women," and "tighty-whiteys." I'm surprised that the person who typed in "fcuiiking married in red deer" came up with any results, let alone this one, and I'm guessing they were quite displeased. And who typed the weirdly clinical phrase: "naked female body parts"? I picture some dude in a foreign land with a shaky grasp of English looking for some porn, but armed only with the stilted phrases he's learned in his English language class, can only come up with "naked female body parts."

But the best one is "Japanese mom had something naughty on her mind free fuck video only." This has it all: the odd specificity, the nonsensical phrasing and the utter wrongness of their search results. I actually typed in "Japanese mom had something naughty on her mind free fuck video only" to see just how far this person had to go to get to In Bed With Married Women. I gave up at page 10 after being overwhelmed with the sheer number of weird-ass sites like "Old Grandma Hardcore." (A real site. Type it in if you don't believe me.) Eventually, Google--apparently feeling sorry for my lack of satisfaction in my search--helpfully suggested, "Did you mean to search for 'Japanese mom had something naughty in her mind free fuck video only'"?

I guess the lesson in all this is that, when searching, make sure you don't use an "on" when you mean "in."  Otherwise, instead of the free fuck naughty Japanese mom that you seek, you'll end up with Old Grandma Hardcore.*


*Several hours later:  This is beyond embarrassing to admit, but later in the day, I googled "old grandma hardcore." It was not at all what I was picturing, but instead a blog about a grandma who plays video games. If it's grandma sex you're looking for, I suggest the keywords "grandma porn." In the interest of good reporting (why the hell not?), I did just that, and I have to say, several pictures of naked, sex-having grannies later, I am quite sorry I did.