Saturday, December 27, 2014

Erica Jong, the Stealing of Smoked Meats and the Stuff of Memory

Francesca Woodman- Self-deceit
Oh man, I am in dire need of practicing some goddamn gratitude (maybe minus the goddamn part...) There must be something around here to be happy about, yes?  Let's have a look and see what we can dredge up.

1.  My story What Men Raised on Porn Need to Know About Actually Pleasing a Woman  was named one of the 10 Weirdest, Most Fascinating Sex Stories of 2014 by Alternet. I'm hoping mine was more in the "fascinating" category than "weirdest," but as Cathya pointed out, I do plenty of weird, too. To wit: coming up next, an article on the Orgasmic Meditation conference where I let a complete stranger touch my secret garden. Yes, I did.

2.This terrifically fun fact: Instead of Santa, little kids in Iceland believe in "The Yuletide Lads, thirteen mischievous gremlins who traipse across the country each December perpetuating holiday shenanigans," according to Jerry Mahoney in Mommy Man: How I Went from Mild-Mannered Geek to Gay Superdad  My favorite of these is Bjúgnakrækir, the Sausage Thief, who "hides in the rafters of your house to steal smoked meats."
Oh, Bjúgnakrækir! Not again!
 3.  This happened:

I first read Erica Jong back in Ann Arbor, Michigan, circa late 80s, on the Band-Aid-colored front porch of what my old housemate/live-in booty call referred to as our "fuck house." Reading her again makes me realize what a huge influence she's had on me re: trying to be a fearless and open explorer of matters of the heart and body, valuing the deep sexiness of books and an intelligent mind, experiencing the vastness of feminine energy/desire not for what it should be but what it is, and the idea of living with a fierce passion and an open heart.

I'm going through a big ol' stack of her books from the library, including:

Fear of Fifty
Seducing the Demon: Writing for My Life
Sugar in My Bowl: Real Women Write About Real Sex
Sappho's Leap (eh, on this one.)
Any Woman's Blues: A Novel of Obsession

Have a look if you'd like. All these years later, I'm still finding her to be so fresh and alive and sexy and willing to peek into dark corners. Viva Erica Jong!

4. And finally, this idea that I found, in all places, Marilyn vos Savant's "Ask Marilyn" column in friggin' Parade magazine:

"Memories are chemical, meaning that they have substance, however slight."

Marilyn explains that you can't hypnotize a bad memory away--Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-style--because you'd only be blocking off the access routes to it. If you tried, you'd still feel bad, but wouldn't be able to recall why. The physical matter of the memory would still be there fucking your ass up. I know! A memory as an actual, tangible thing. Mind-blowing!


So yeah, life is huge and fascinating and full of wonder. I'm gonna try to keep that in mind.


Wednesday, December 24, 2014

My 10 Favorite Things You Bought on Amazon This Year

Actual purchase, approximation of purchaser
I was feeling all grumpy and hateful about the blog until I happened upon the year-end list of stuff readers bought via the Amazon search link at right. I don't love Amazon ===> particularly, but I do like that any time someone buys something through the link, the probably-evil corporate behemoth has contractually agreed to throw me a few pennies. Suckas.

I enjoy re-framing it as a private grassroots campaign to Take Down Corporate America.  But really, I just like pennies.

But I also like that each purchase means someone took the time to drag their virtual ass all the way over to the blog to use the search button.  There's love in that act, yes?

I don't get to see who places orders or who orders what--so I can't thank anyone specifically, unless you tell me and demand praise--but I can see what is ordered.  I am trying to apply complex Psychological Purchase Analytics to the list, for purposes of exploiting the fuck out of the reader base, but I'm flummoxed. If anyone sees a pattern in here, let me know.

Anyway, here are my favorite things you ordered on Amazon this year:

10.  Books!
Heady stuff, including: A book of Rilke poems, a chemistry textbook, One Hundred Years of Solitude, books on autism, zen, labor unions, the nature of love and desire, and international environmental law.  Also some vampire smut, and lots of copies of  Naomi Wolf's Vagina (The book, not her actual vagina.  For actual vagina purchases, see #3.)

9.  eBooks!
Maybe it's the lack of visible evidence of embarrassing reading choices, but the selection of ebooks ordered was...well, have a look for yourself:  In Another Man's Bed, Ex on the Beach, Bound by Wolves (Impregnated by Wolves, Part 1), and the unappealing erotica of Taken and Milked (A Forced Lactation Fantasy--Milked by Master). (Hey Milky, you might also enjoy Escaping the Milking Machines: An Impregnation and Lactation Story which sounds just as...awesome.)

8.  A 4-pack of anal plugs
 The purple jelly variety.

7.  This item, just because of its name.
Stunning 3D Red Blossom with Dazzling Pink and White Crystals All Over The Clear Plastic License Plate Frame

6.  One comb.

5. The person who bought the book Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy-to-Learn, Proven Communication Skills
Because they bought it, then promptly returned it. "Fuck communication skills, I'm just gonna stick with the silent treatment."

4. One Friday the 13th Jason Axe Costume accessory
Not ordered anywhere near Halloween.

3.  3 pairs (!) of Realistic Wearable Vaginas
Two people bought the pair featured in Vagina. Panty. Vagina Panty! (one black, one nude), dropping $130 apiece.

However, one among you opted to save $60.01 and got the cheapo pair (below) which, dude, it's your fake vagina--that's important. Don't get the one that looks like a homemade cast.



at #1:   A Quart of Natures Miracle "Just for Cats" Urine Destroyer

So for any among you who were among the people who ordered one of the 323 items this year--especially the expensive ones like the chocolate protein powder, the Kindle Fires, the 4 copies of The Handbook of Dispute Resolution and the adult-sized Conan The Barbarian Costume--please know that while you sit there with four anal plugs up your butt, reading forced milking erotica in your newly cat pee odor-free home, I thank you from the bottom of my vaginal panties*


*The expensive kind.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

How To Please a Woman. Maybe. Well, me, at least.

I'll be here for a bit
I just wrote my first article for Alternet: What Men Raised on Porn Really Need to Know About Pleasing a Women. Whee!

Well...kinda. You'll see.

The idea was that since most porn has little in the way of usable lady-pleasin' info, I would offer some ideas culled from the Sexual Wisdom of the Ages. I nerdishly went back through sex manuals and uncovered common themes from sources both ancient, like Master Tung-hsuan and Ovid, to modern teachers like Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, Ovid, Daniel Bergner, and Naomi Wolf.

I loved what I found and thought, "I am sharing the Deep Wisdom here. The people, they shall rejoice!"

Except "the people"-- oh god, I don't know how to put this but, some of them are not so dear and smart and open-minded like you. The commenters, some who maybe even read the article, did not fawn over me as I was expecting, but instead saw all kinds of nefarious messages in what I thought was a completely benign (and mighty delightful!) article. One guy thought was I calling men "shitty" (what??), another said I was advocating rape (for the record, I am "anti-rape"), another thought that I didn't include enough info on gay an article on how men can please women.

Sure, plenty of people got it, like the 1000+ people who are sharing it on Facebook or readers like this chick who wrote: "This is possibly the best article on the subject that I have had the pleasure to read." (btw, another complaint:  calling female humans "chicks." Because I AM THE OPPRESSOR!) 

Of course I gave the negative comments a billion times more of my attention. How was my message and intention so so misheard? I mean, how did anyone end up interpreting it as some sort of criticism against men? (Also for the record: Yay, men!)

I was completely disappointed and thrown and was gonna write this big ol' sad, pissed-off, point-by-point refutation of each gripe. I was even going to cite Erica Jong from Fear of Fifty about the backlash when women talk honestly about sex. ("We need to unlock the staggering power of Eros in the female psyche. We must demand the right to depict women's lives as we know them, not as we might like them to be." Go Erica!)

But....then I looked at comments on other articles and realized:  They are all like that.  Angry, off-topic, defensive.


Internet people just like bitchin,' I guess. Crisis averted.

In the meantime, the article is among the site's "most read."  Just hope some people are actually reading it.

Go ahead and have a look yourself.  I still really like it, dammit, and agree with practically all of my points. Let me know what you think.*


*Be gentle. I'm still a little raw.

Update 12/15/14:  The article is the number #1 most read piece on Alternet and is now on Salon.  So suck my non-gender specific dick, haters.