Friday, February 14, 2014

Pornhub Comments on Valentines

If you are feeling pitiably single today, like my 12- and 14-year old daughters are (thanks a lot Valentine Industrial Complex. You fuckers) please take solace in that fact that even if you are with someone, V-day isn't a guaranteed win.

I am thinking of the poor girl who will be receiving the teddy bear + off-brand drug store chocolate combo the man in front of me was buying yesterday at Rite Aid. In the part of my brain that enjoys judging everyone, I minused him further points because he--without being asked--told me it was for his "Lady Friend." (Don't worry, dear reader, you and I are still good.)

If that doesn't make you feel better about your lot, perhaps you need something a little stronger, like Pornhub Comments on Valentines, featuring real porn-lust-inspired comments scrolled prettily on candy hearts.

Here are some particularly touching ones:

 and my favorite:

In other news, I am not wearing pants. Proven fact.


(photos via Pornhub Comments on Candy Hearts)

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

"Tastes Like Your Worst Nightmare"

Edible underwear: Early prototype
I really really should be doing other work right now, but I want to thank the readers who bought stuff from Good Vibrations* via the GV link there on the right last month (what they bought only they shall know...) and the hardy group of dedicated Kindle subscribers who keep ponying up their 99 cents a month, even during months when I get all depressive and only post twice (most months). I love you hard, man.

Also getting love are the people used the Amazon link at right to buy an unholy array of weird and cool stuff.

--A 3pk of GLYDE Flavored Dental Dams

Dental dams, yes! I have never heard anyone, ever, saying they were using, buying, or even thinking about dental dams so--I must know, Anonymous Purchaser!--are people around you generally using them? When you whip 'em out do people easily accept them, or is there some explaining/cajoling to do? Are they reusable? Is the cola flavor tasty, or not so much?  Do tell!

Also, during a Google search gone wrong, I learned some new things about Edible Underwear for Him.

 1.  They are the consistency of a thin, very off-brand fruit roll-up.

2.  They don't look like underwear--at all.  They look like a garbage bag. And when donned, continue to look like a garbage bag, as though the wearer found himself suddenly naked in public and had to fashion pants out of the nearest material.

3.  A pair "tastes like your worst nightmare," according to Shop in Private.  And that's before a sweaty, aroused, possibly pube-shedding man nestles them up tight against his most very private crevices. I know this because the boss at Shop in Private apparently had an edible underwear taste-test with his employees.

Writes this dude, who is a really awesome boss, or quite the opposite:
Anticipation was high: Before we conducted the taste test (which was very eagerly awaited by our employees and friends) everyone had heard of edible underwear. The announcement that we would taste-test them was electric. Everyone wanted to try a piece of what lies inside that slender box. Are they delicious? Are they sweet? If we happened to get trapped in the warehouse by a winter storm could we eat them to survive?
Is Edible Underwear Just Like a Fruit Rollup? The Answer: Nope. When we opened the box, everyone looked on with amazement. "That's it?!" they cried. "That's all there is?!" The underwear is folded into an object about the size of a playing card. When unfolded it is a strip of material no wider than a playing card and no thicker than a sheet of paper. It is a thong, with spaghetti straps made of the same thin material. It probably weighs less than a post-it note. Calling edible underwear flimsy is a vast understatement.

Upon tasting the edible underwear the mood only became worse "This is terrible.", "Yuck", and "Gross" were all heard. I was suddenly ashamed to have offered this to our employees. Could I be used under the current labor laws? The tirade of product insults continued "this stuff sticks to your teeth!" "My whole mouth is red!" "If you thought the pink straps were terrible, you need to try the black part. Yuck!" The insults kept coming. 

 In conclusion: Edible underwear is the world's biggest disappointment. They are small and flimsy. They tastes terrible. They stick to your teeth. They turn your mouth red. There is also no discernible difference between the men's "brief" and the women's "undie".
So in brief:  I am grateful as fuck for every one of you, we are awaiting news from the dental dam front and, edible underwear does not = a good snack. If you are hungry, I suggest going for something cola-flavored and/or containing fewer pubes.


*BTW, I get to pick out something to give away from Good Vibrations.  What would be a good prize?

(photo: wicked knickers)