Tuesday, June 29, 2010

An Open Message To Terribly Disappointed New Readers

To the readers who used the following (real-life!) search terms and found themselves deposited unceremoniously here at In Bed With Married Women, I offer my profuse apologies. I know you very carefully typed in your search terms like, "sexy mail carrier Atlanta," "clitoris video bed boat," and "married woman likes butt touch." I'm just as shocked as you that you ended up here, but fully confident you will eventually find your married woman who likes butt touch. (Helpful hint: maybe wait a few dates to bring up the whole butt touch thing.) And please rest assured that if I knew what a "clitoris video bed boat" was, In Bed With Married Women would make every effort to assure your needs were met.

I sincerely hope that you searchers with poor grammar and/or barely fathomable spelling skills find what you were really looking for. Yes, I'm taking about you, people who typed in "happy to exhibits their inhibitions,""vajazzing in southerb california" and "string bad seks."

Person who typed in "plastic roof ero," well, I don't know what the hell you were looking for, but I'm pretty certain you didn't find it here. Sorry. And to the Internet user who asked their search engine, "Do women like furries?": If you're asking me personally, then the answer is "no." But I'm sure there's a nice little filly out there somewhere who will like your sexy chipmunk costume just fine.

And finally, dear reader who searched for "look at pics of + wifes worn out stretched vagina," I'm not sure why you were directed here, but I have to say that I'm a little miffed at Google for thinking that In Bed With Married Women would fit the bill.

So, to you all, I say: Please, enjoy your .0004 second visit to In Bed With Married Women! Come again any time.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Hey, Baby, I Treat You Right

Pssst, my kids are gone for a few more minutes so I only have time to fling this contest at you before I rush away, squealing my tires in my haste and setting the neighborhood dogs to barking. Here's the deal:  you can win the spiffy Girl's Night In Kit shown on the left.  I don't have time to tell you just what's in it, but since it's from Good Vibrations--our fave tree hugging, girl-power, San Francisco-based sex toy company--it's a good bet that it doesn't contain scrapbooking doodads. (To see what is in that intriguing little box, click this link.)

Here's what you have to do. Be the first person to tell me what one item in the kit is. You can either answer in a comment below (press the comment button to do so) or, if you don't want the whole world to know that you're vying for free stuff online, feel free to drop us an email.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Balloon Sex And Other Excruciatingly Specialized Phone Sex Lines

I was reading Playboy's site The Smoking Jacket, because--oh, there's no time for explanations, dammit!--and came upon "8 Strange Phone Sex Lines You'll Never Call." I don't like to be told what to do (or do I?), so I had to read it immediately. At the very least it was going to be better than their other so-not-my-demographic articles like "Stuff You Should Know: Balding" and "Which Malt Liquor Is Right For You?" (Although I might give "Why Robots With Vaginas Are a Bad Idea"  a perusal later. Why are they a bad idea? I have to say I haven't given the matter much thought.)

Anyway, the strange sex lines were not, I am sorry to report, staffed with a perky group of robots with vaginas, but rather with women who sneeze over the phone, women with gas, and women from Canada. ("I am aboot to take off my bra. It is a red colour.")  

There's also a balloon sex line. Says Jenny (shown above lovingly cuddling with a very very special balloon):
My fantasy is a room full of balloons for me to roll around in. Even if I only have one balloon I just want to rub it all over myself. There’s nothing better than the squeaky sound of a balloon squished into the palm of my hand while I rub it all over my body especially on my tits and yes, even between my legs! The static electricity is definitely a turn-on.
I am so curious as to what event--exposure to balloon animals + inadvertent boner?--had to happen to someone to birth this balloon fetish, but apparently there's a whole balloon culture with sub-fetishes including riding balloons, squishing balloons, popping balloons and balloon domination. ("The balloon doggie wants you to touch yourself. Do! It! Now!")

There's also giantess phone sex for those with a shrinking or growing fetish. I'm not quite sure if it's caller or callee who is shrinking or growing and, since I am writing this in public at Barnes and Noble, I am not especially keen to be hanging around on their web site too long to find out. Here's the link, if you're feeling so inclined. There you will find the helpful advice that a caller should "Ask the dispatcher for the hottest women dealing with shrinking or growing." I guess it's so you don't get the un-hot giantess. "Yeah, yeah, I'm giant now. So what? Have you seen my corn pads? Dammit, it was a brand new pack!"

There's also a line for amputee phone sex which is bothersome, not because of the whole phone sex thing, but because the women in the picture clearly isn't even a real amputee. She obviously just bent her leg up and then applied the most rudimentary of photoshop techniques to blur her "stump." This sits the wrong way with me, like when actors play someone of another race. I mean, how much lower can you go than taking a job from an amputee?

As for me, I am keeping the Granny Phone Sex line in mind for myself in case In Bed With Married Women keeps up its stubborn refusal to make more than 67 cents a day. How easy would it be to take calls, repeatedly yelling "What grade are you in, dearie?" and talking about neighbors who have died. Dude, c'mon, it's two bucks a minute.  


Saturday, June 12, 2010

Major Boobage

If you have absolutely nothing else to do, take a peek at Playboy's oddly fascinating article, Evolution of the Boob. You needn't read the article--I suspect it might have been written by the Playboy office chimp--but do look at the pictures. They trace the styles in boobage from 1950's airbrushed boobs, through pendulous 70s-style breasts, to comically obvious round 80s implants, to the present day, which Playboy seems to think is sort of a golden age of appreciation for all types o' boobs. "...As long as they're bare and attached to a thin, blonde women," gripes Jezebel's Margaret Hartmann in When Your Breast Shape Goes Out of Style. Hartmann makes some good points. Obviously women's boobs aren't "evolving" by mutating into pointy, round, or perky shapes, depending on the trend. Or at least they aren't doing so naturally. If one were to truly keep up with boob fashion, as defined by Playboy, it would require seasonal visits to the plastic surgeon's. "Hey, check out Karen and her winter 2008 boobs. How can she even leave the house like that?"

Whatever. Yes, it's fucked up that boobs have trends and that women feel like they have to follow those trends, but I still say you should look at the article, if only to see the gravity-defying missile-shaped boobs from the 1960s. Does anyone remember the formidable bust lines of moms, teachers and matronly neighbors of that era, jutting out somewhat alarmingly under their sweater sets? This is what they had going on under there?

And consider poor 70s chick, shown below. With those kind of free-range breasts today, instead of high-tailing it over to Playboy demanding to be a centerfold, she'd probably be bereft over what she perceived to be her hideously sagging boobs (and, if the rest of her body is equally 70s-style, making an emergency appointment for a major bikini wax.)

So, no, boobs aren't "evolving." Which, actually, is kind of disappointing. Because if they were, I would totally want some of those awesome pointy 1960s boobs. Besides their most obvious application--mesmerizing others to obey my every whim--I'd also use them to point to distant objects, put people's eyes out, locate water sources, direct traffic, tune the TV... Oh, I would so wield that rack.

Friday, June 11, 2010

True Wife's Tale #4: Chrissy, Married Sex = Smoking Hot

"I'm a flirt and just kind of out there, I guess," says Crissy, a happily married sexual adventuress. Now 39, Crissy has had an exotic sexual past filled with threesomes and the like--"I can't think of anything I wouldn't do because I've done quite a bit," is how she puts it. Is monogamy and marriage to a man who had never used a sex toy before going to do it for her?  Well, you're just going to have to look below to find out, now aren't you?

(True Wife's Tales are part of a continuing series in which women tell the damn truth about their sex life, no matter how embarrassing, non-existent, hot or enviable it may be. If you'd like to tell your story, drop us an e-mail.)

“I’m kind of a freak, I guess,” says Crissy, a vivacious, talkative redhead who generally shows a bit more cleavage than is necessary. She’s very open about sex, and all other bodily functions, for that matter. If you asked her, she’d probably tell you all this stuff herself.  Crissy is 39 and in a happy second marriage.

In Bed: What would be the ideal sex life for you?

Crissy: I’m already having it. In my first marriage, my husband wasn’t great in bed. He had a big penis and he thought that’s all he needed. It was all about him pleasing himself and it had nothing to do with me. Honest to goodness, I never had an orgasm when I was with him. My (current) husband is always making fun of his penis and thinks he’s not large or whatever, but we just fit together really well. The first time we had sex together, he did exactly what I wanted him to do and I had orgasms all night. It was wonderful.

In Bed: How did you first get together?

Crissy: Oh, I’m bad. I was going through a really bad divorce. One night I was at a bar with a group celebrating finishing up nursing school. I was drinking, playing pool and being a flirt like I always am, and I had a group of guys around me. Well, I just wanted to have sex. I wasn’t having any and I was really getting sick and tired of it. So I said, “Okay, this is the deal. I want to have sex tonight. Whichever one of you guys can come forward and be the person who can hold me up in the middle of a room--no walls holding you up--and fuck me 'til I come, you’re going home with me.” And (my husband) steps up and says, “You gotta be fucking kidding me. I WILL DO THAT.” I looked at him before I left and said, “Bring some raincoats and you’re totally in.” I went home and didn’t know if I he was going to do it or not. Well, he came over and followed through.

In Bed: ”Mommy, how did you meet daddy?”

Crissy: I just tell them we met in nursing school.

In Bed: Obviously your husband knew what he was getting into with you...

Crissy: When we met in nursing school, I was a goof and I’d flash people. He knew what I was like and he was still interested in me. It’s completely harmless. He’s mine and he knows that and I would never do anything with anybody else. It’s completely against my morals.

When we were first dating, I used to meet him at the door in different ways all the time. One time I met him with a whipped cream bikini. Or I’d meet him at the door with porn going on in the background and an open bottle of wine. Another time I wrapped myself in Saran Wrap, with chocolate chip cookies on my boobs. Of course he ate it all up and thought it was great, but I could see from the look on his face, it was a little surprising to find a woman that was so adventurous.

My husband thinks it’s funny that I’m like this. When he met me, he thought I was this pristine, preppy, June Cleaver type. I do make cookies all the time, but he had no idea I had another side. I don’t think he’s disappointed.

In Bed: What’s the state of sex in your marriage these days?

Crissy: Our sex life is experimental. I try to open up my husband’s eyes to doing a bit more fun stuff. When I met him, he was pretty shy and didn’t do a lot of different things, even sex in public or in a car or anything like that. Slowly, through the years, I’ve been introducing him to different things to get him to him a little bit more outgoing when it comes to sex. Because I think sex is fun. We laugh all the time.

In Bed: What do you laugh about during sex?

Crissy: The other night, I was making fun of him during sex. I don’t know why guys do it, but when my husband reaches his peak, he’ll go, “I’m gonna come.” I just started cracking up. I looked and him and I go, “Was that necessary? I mean, do you have to announce it?”

In Bed: Perhaps he could issue a memo.

Crissy: The other day we were laughing so hard about everything, like his “I’m coming” face or going into the wrong hole by accident or farting during sex or him farting him my face while I’m down blowing him. Sex is funny stuff.

In Bed: What’s his reaction when you introduce new things?

Crissy: Now that he’s been getting older and we’ve been together longer, he says, “Why didn’t you do this a long time ago when we had more of a sexual drive?” But I think I would have scared him away. I introduced toys and vibrators and stuff like that to him slowly. At first he had the normal male reaction: if you have a vibrator, it’s going to replace them. I kept reassuring him, letting him know that there were other things you could do with them.

Now we’ll go to sex stores together and pick things out that we want to try. We’ve found a great store that has wonderful people who work there. They talk to you about everything. They tell you how to put the products on and show you how to use them and ask, “Do you like how this feels?”

Not everything works for every person. We bought a cock ring with some sort of attachment. It was ergonomically shaped so it would please both people, but we couldn’t put the sucker on. We got it wet. We warmed it. Nothing worked. I know I was hurting him. I was yelling at him “Suck it up! Once we get it on, it will be fine.” We never did get that thing on.

In Bed: Is there anything he won’t do?

Crissy: I don’t think anymore, no. One of the things he thought was absolutely freaky at first--he thought he’d kill me and it is SO unsafe--was choking during sex. But now he’s totally into it and he likes it. I’m kind of a freak I guess, I like rough sex. At first when I tried getting him to do things like that, he’d just laugh. But the more we’ve done things, the more he’s gotten into it.

In Bed: He must be a happy man.

Crissy: He’d be happier if we had sex more often. With five kids, it’s sometimes few and far between because we’re both tired. Sometimes we go a couple of weeks between having sex. It depends a lot on the time of the month--if I’m ovulating, I’m interested in sex. And when I am ovulating, we’ll go for like a week of having sex all the time. He’ll tell me, “Just leave me alone--you’re wearing me out. Can’t you break this up through the month?” But I can’t. The rest of the month, I really don’t care about sex. I will do it because I feel guilty, and it’s not really fair to to him. But now that I’ve gotten older, that’s just the way it goes.

In Bed: Have you became more comfortable about sex with him?

Crissy: It’s not that I became comfortable with him, it’s more that I became comfortable with myself. I don’t have a perfect body and before I was always self-conscious about what I looked like or how I was going to act or noises or whatever. But I finally figured out that you have one life and you need to enjoy it. There’s nothing wrong with the things that we’re doing. There’s a lot out there I haven’t done yet and I am going to keep trying new things. I have reached kind of a high I think in that I’m really enjoying every aspect of life right now.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

In Search Of Elusive Third Type Of Orgasm

Our large and unfairly good-looking staff here at In Bed With Married Women has been combing the countryside doing up to several minutes of top-quality research on the elusive third type of orgasm, the cervical orgasm. We were about ready to toss it in, especially after our beloved science/sex writer Mary Roach mentioned in her book Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex that the cervix is so insensitive that 95% of women can't even tell when it is being rubbed with a Q-Tip. (A tip for gentlemen: you might want to rethink that plan of trying to woo your lady with a vigorous session of cervical Q-Tip rubbing.)

But then this message came in, totally screwing up our rigid worldview. Reports this lovely reader, who but of course, wishes to remain anonymous:
Hi Jill- To answer your question about the cervical orgasm- I HAVE experienced them. I used to assume it was a "double orgasm" meaning clitoral and G-spot at the same time (that's how someone described it to me once). But the older I get and the more I experience them the more I know that it is a third, totally different type of orgasm! The only way that I can describe it is instead of feeling like a particular SPOT is having an orgasm..ie clitoris or G-spot, it's like your entire vaginal area is consumed by orgasm and it radiates outward. It releases AMAZING endorphins. I would almost say that it makes you feel high in a very natural way. Now I wouldn't say that I shake for days or anything, but the thought of it the next day will give me a little shiver and my mood for days is impenetrable- all smiles and laughs! They are very few & far between, and quite honestly I have not yet learned how to make myself achieve them ... (wish I could!)
This description is so utterly unlike my day thus far--what with its grocery store trips and whatnot--that I might need to take a moment to go sit in the corner and cry. That said, I have heard many women around

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Sorry, No Explicit Pictures Of "Penis In Vagina"

In Bed With Married Women subscribes to a service that lists the most popular search terms people use to get to the site. But what I like better are the unpopular search terms. For some (probably unhealthy) reason, I enjoy picturing people being woefully disappointed when they find In Bed instead of what they were really looking for. Like the person who typed in the search terms "explicit pictures of penis in vagina" and found no such pictures, just some chick talking about weird sex toys and the like. I mean, they could not have been more specific about their Internet desire. Penis in vagina, dammit. Plain as day.

That's not as bad as whoever innocently typed in "footbag," but instead of finding some mellow hacky-sack tips, were transported onto the post about furries who like to play hacky-sack.  Ack! Delete! Delete!

Other unpopular search terms included: "hubby masturbate lovers cock," "can't stop thinking about married women," and "tighty-whiteys." I'm surprised that the person who typed in "fcuiiking married in red deer" came up with any results, let alone this one, and I'm guessing they were quite displeased. And who typed the weirdly clinical phrase: "naked female body parts"? I picture some dude in a foreign land with a shaky grasp of English looking for some porn, but armed only with the stilted phrases he's learned in his English language class, can only come up with "naked female body parts."

But the best one is "Japanese mom had something naughty on her mind free fuck video only." This has it all: the odd specificity, the nonsensical phrasing and the utter wrongness of their search results. I actually typed in "Japanese mom had something naughty on her mind free fuck video only" to see just how far this person had to go to get to In Bed With Married Women. I gave up at page 10 after being overwhelmed with the sheer number of weird-ass sites like "Old Grandma Hardcore." (A real site. Type it in if you don't believe me.) Eventually, Google--apparently feeling sorry for my lack of satisfaction in my search--helpfully suggested, "Did you mean to search for 'Japanese mom had something naughty in her mind free fuck video only'"?

I guess the lesson in all this is that, when searching, make sure you don't use an "on" when you mean "in."  Otherwise, instead of the free fuck naughty Japanese mom that you seek, you'll end up with Old Grandma Hardcore.*

*Several hours later:  This is beyond embarrassing to admit, but later in the day, I googled "old grandma hardcore." It was not at all what I was picturing, but instead a blog about a grandma who plays video games. If it's grandma sex you're looking for, I suggest the keywords "grandma porn." In the interest of good reporting (why the hell not?), I did just that, and I have to say, several pictures of naked, sex-having grannies later, I am quite sorry I did.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Scary Sex Toys R Us

Today In Bed With Married Women is hellbent on destroying whatever is left of your fragile sense of innocence and, to that end, we direct your attention to the site Scary Sextoy Friday. Written by Molly Mounds, a self-described "online smut peddler...who encounters many terrifying sex toys on a daily basis," it chronicles the most terrifying toys for your viewing pleasure.  Sex toys--terrifying? Oh yes. Oh god yes.

Consider this product from www.aliendildos.com, which is, that's right, an alien dildo. Because I think we can all agree that when you think of E.T., you think "sexy bastard." And I'm not entirely sure of this but--these look pretty realistic--I think they were probably molded from genuine alien genitalia.

So, yeah, alien dildos. "Oh, yes, Zortoxysys375 from Sector 9, Planet Nebulon, stimulate my inner regions with your scaly member." The alien dildo comes in several different colors because I guess there are people out there who totally want to do it with a purple alien dildo, but a green alien dildo...? No way! That would just be weird! One of the available colors is "glow in the dark," which brings to mind all kinds of scary-ass scenarios involving a glowing alien penis coming closer...and...closer. Aaah! Hide under the covers! It's your only hope!

All products come with a "handy storage bag" so you can carry it around, ever ready in case of sudden hot alien sex possibilities. Also available: alien butt plugs, for the unhappy few not chosen by butt-obsessed aliens doing yet more of their disturbingly frequent anal probe experiments.

If Scary Sextoy Friday had but this one alien dildo post, we would have already been in love. But there are more, including toys shaped like lemons, octopus arms and the Loch Ness Monster. I could tell you about it all day but I don't think that would be healthy for either of us, so you're just gonna have to go over there and check it out yourself. (If you have just a small chunk of your day penciled in for perusing scary sex toy web sites, I recommend the posts from 2009).

Okay, okay, I'll show you one more but that's it.  It's Barry the Beaver, a vibrator with buck teeth.
I will leave you today to contemplate the following Barry mysteries:  1. Why....just why?  2. Was this the unfortunate result of a communication glitch involving a request for a sex toy that looked like "a big sexy beaver"? And 3. Can anyone explain the tighty-whiteys? Anyone? I'm guessing it's a modesty issue but, if so, this beaver is definitely in the wrong line of work.