Thursday, August 24, 2017

Pick Your Prize--New Contest!

I was dog sitting at a friend's house recently and--to make a short story shorter--I found their dog chewing up my favorite vibrator.

Don't worry. The dog is fine, the arousing effects apparently greatly lessened when you eat the vibrator instead of using as directed. And all is well with the owners too, mostly because I didn't actually tell them what had gone down on my watch. I figured my post about a dog performing surprise fellatio on my big ol' fake dick had served as a blanket warning to anyone who might desire my dog sitting services.

So all that's good. I mean, as these things go.

But the vibrator--my very very favorite, the Ohmibod Cuddle Minij--was done. A mangled reminder of its former sexy self, like Mickey Rourke, but smaller and more vibrator-shaped.

Suki, who works at Ohmibod, kindly sent me a new Mini, along with a lovely handwritten note that said,  "Keep this one away from the dog." Which is good advice for anyone. And guess what? I GOT ONE FOR YOU TOO! One of you, at least. long as I'm giving that away, I'm throwing in a few more prizes because I'm a socialist. Some of 'em are good, some kinda meh. All are unused--only the very finest for you, gentle reader!

So--ta-da!--here are the prizes, one of which may or may not be coming your way. (And yes, some are more like "prizes," but piss off, they're free.)

1. The Ohmibod Cuddle Mini, a strong-ass G-spot vibe with deep, throbby vibrations. Completely delicious--in the sexual sense, but also quite literally delicious to certain pervy dogs who could have had a perfectly normal non-G-spot-flavored dog treat had they just waited a minute.

2. Thai Jelly Anal Beads. Kinda sketchy, probably not remotely Thai, but "Jumbo!"

3.  A pair of Lolos pasties from Germany. Black with a pierced nipple area that you're supposed to wear in place of a proper shirt. Box suggests "casual for the day, sporty for the beach..." but I'm a hard no on both scenarios.

4. Fin (vibrator for fingers). A high-end vibe that makes your fingers magical on yourself or others.

Fin again

5. A deck of Talk to Me cards, "52 intimate questions to spark your relationship" which, near as I can tell, are ideal for alerting your significant other that they need to break up with you at once.

The Rules
--Tell me which prize (or "prize") you want in a comment below, on the IBWMW Facebook page, or on my Twitter if you can wade through the months of tweets where I'm freaking the fuck out about politics. (If you don't want anyone to know that you've even entered such a filthy filthy contest, send your entry from your undisclosed location to
--Tell me what your favorite sex toy ever is/was. This is unrelated to the contest--I'm just super nosy.
--Results Wednesday, September 6. (Fear not, I won't reveal your name.)
--I'll pay to mail it to you, but if you live in another country or are just an appreciative reader who is rich and foolish with your money, feel free to make a donation via that big DONATE button in the right margin.


PS Thanks for all the delightful mail you've been sending! I will tend to you. Please take a number and sit down.

(If you order something through one of the links, the blog gets a kickback, but no one's paying me to show their stuff, particularly not the jumbo anal bead factory because they would so not be getting their money's worth)

Friday, August 18, 2017

"Vagisil Porn"

Loretta, grab your steno pad! I have
 an idea that's gonna make us a mint!
(***Important Note to Readers: the following post does not contain any actual Vagisil porn.)

I promised myself I would not write about Misguided Googlers anymore. But yesterday I looked at In Bed With Married Women's search terms because, well, I just can't help it. It's such a voyeuristic thrill to see what weird-ass things people are searching for. A peak into the hidden soul of humanity, if you will. And it was so worth it because, I mean, look at the kind of stuff fresh-scrubbed Citizens of the World eagerly entered into the (supposed) privacy of their search boxes:

--"my vagina smells peppery"
--"it's your anus" (True, that.  And the name of a great new sitcom coming this fall on NBC.)
--"how to make your butt hole look nice" (Um, it's a butt hole...)
--"Grandma 7 vibrator" (The Grandma 6 vibrator wasn't properly grounded, I'm guessing.)
--"how meny kind of penice&vegena foto?" (Is this rhetorical? A zen koan?)
---"really bad noises in bed" (Actually, that one sounds kind of interesting.)
--"Captain and Tennille Twenty Years of Romance" (Oh, dear.)

But my personal favorite was: "how to make a Mangina." For those of you didn't see this post, a Mangina is a fake vagina g-string thing that a man wears to create the (very weak) illusion that he's sporting a vag. Which is fine. Whatever, if you want to wear one, go for it. But my advice to you is, if you're going to wear an Mangina, don't try to make one at home. For fuck's sake, spend the money and buy a real Mangina! I mean, coming upon someone wearing any Mangina would be upsetting enough, but someone wearing a flippin' pipe cleaner and construction paper homemade Mangina...? No, that will simply not do.

And finally, since I wrote this post on Vagisil, Google has taken to sending a bunch of Vagisil search traffic my way. I'm getting lots of "Vagisil ad offensive to women," "Vagisil doesn't work," blah blah blah, but I am particularly fond of this one, "Vagisil fuck yea". Vagisil. Fuck. Yea. It's like poetry.

Which leads us to the aforementioned "Vagisil porn," which, as my husband pointed out--far too gleefully, if you ask me--provides In Bed With Married Women as the top hit. This is because there is no actual Vagisil porn. None! Perhaps it's because Vagisil porn is not sexy. ("Oh yeah, you like that cloying floral fragrance my vag is emitting, don't you? Mmmmm, I think I need some more Vagisil... right... now... please... that's right... oh yeah...there.... yes, yes, yes, MAKE ME FEEL FRESH!!!!")  OR, it could be that Vagisil porn is a vast untapped market. I mean, there's that one eager customer already. Surely he's not the only Vagisil perv, I mean, Vagisil connoisseur. Is financial solvency knocking on your door in the form of an Internet connection, a digital camera and a big tube of Vagisil? Think about it. And you're welcome.


(yes, it's a rerun. I'm sorry. I have kids! Plus I need to freak out daily about the State of the Country. I will get to you though. Soon. Contest! )