Thursday, May 2, 2013

Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating

This is like the third time this has happened, but I was looking up the Amazon link for Naomi Wolf's book Vagina: A New Biographyfor a post I always claim I'm going to write, but somehow never do, and AGAIN I went completely off-track via some other enchanting vaginally-related product (see also: my Jezebel-disapproved post Vagina Panty).

Beauty Hole Ass Vagina
This time it was Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibratingprimarily because it's called BEAUTY HOLE ASS VAGINA WITH EGG VIBRATING.

Not quite familiar with what a Beauty Hole Ass Vagina can do for you? Let's have a look at the product description:

This lifelike masturbator.sexy inviting. Make materials use the latest simulation material, virtual touch that is with an extremely realistic feel,like that of the human body,if you close your eyes and touch the material,you can't tell the difference between it and human body. The comfortable handheld size also allows you to control the tightness as you are enjoying every last inch of the amazingly lifelike penetration! The Sleeve Sensations Thruster is ready for action any time or place you need a release!Sex toys bring more erotic pleasure to the world!Body Massager!Gentle or strong,Its up to you!Enjoy your happy life everyday!

I like how it's not just a product description, but also includes a guilt-reducer ("sex toys bring more erotic pleasure to the world") as well as the random exhortation  to "Enjoy your happy life everyday!" It's fine advice, but perhaps, well....unexpected in an product description for a disembodied Ass Vagina thing.

Anyway there's more:

Package include:
1x big ass
1x vibration bullet (batteries not include)


I heard nothing previously about this "big ass" but, to make sure you're not getting ripped off, please ensure that 1x big ass is indeed included with your package.

It also says this:
  • Size: about L13.6 x W9 x H6 (cm)
  • high qurlity tpr materibl
  • the feeline of mridens's skin
Which is....pretty fucking mystifying. Though perhaps not as much as the fact that there are only 2 of these Beauty Hole Ass Vaginas (new, thankfully) available for sale. Why only 2? Seems like if you were taking the time to get out the Beauty Hole Ass Vagina-Making Machine, you may as well set it to 50 or, hell, even 100.

And why is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina accompanied by a link for Adult Size Authentic Mexican Sombrero? What is the connection?

At the bottom of the screen, there is a little "ASK" box with the question "What do you want to know about Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating?"

But, you know what?  I am not going to ask. I think that, perhaps, there are some things we are just Not To Know. Let's leave the haunting mysteries of Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating to the ages.

xoxo
jill

ps If you're feeling it, see my DAME article on a dating web site for men with penises 7 inches or bigger.  Thank you to the Facebook IBWMWers (catchy? yeah. so not.) who helped in framing the assignment.

pps THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to the people last month who purchased stuff through the Amazon link in the upper right corner of the blog, the one (1) dear soul who bought something via the Good Vibrations ad, and the IBWMW Kindle subscribers who faithfully shell out their 99 cents every damn month. You all warm my heart more than you'll ever know.

13 comments:

Lady J said...

When I saw this post title, the first thought that came to mind was "Whoa, Nelly, she's gone all Google Adwords to prove a point about the silly things people search for on the internet." Now that I have read and post and know what it's about... I have no words.

To be fair, I'm not a man who would enjoy this device, but still, the description makes me giggle. Hat accessories should never be optional.

Anonymous said...

Oh my!!!

in bed with married women said...

Hey Lady J, let the record show that I am not at all against anyone who wants to fuck the hell out of this thing. I just like the found Dadaist poetry of the name. Well, and also "1x big ass."

Jennifer M said...

So... is it supposed to be an Ass or a Vagina?

in bed with married women said...

Jennifer, to be safe, maybe we should just go with "beauty hole."

Anonymous said...

That's it. I'm calling my vagina my "beauty hole" from now on.

Cagey-C said...

Ok, I'm a little dubious about the "if you close your eyes and touch the material,you can't tell the difference between it and human body" claim. Perhaps if you close your eyes *and ignore the absence of the rest of a body.* Also, if you ignore the fact that it seems to be labia in between two ass cheeks. But other than those two minor points, I'm sure it seems totally real.

I do have to argue with the evolutionary utility of 7OrBetter.com, too, though that post cracked me the hell up. I'm not sure that the penis-size shopping site will lead to further penile evolution, because I'm not convinced that people are getting together through that site for the purpose of having children. But maybe I'm wrong and am souring my grapes (not intended as an anatomical euphemism, but I suppose it works somehow) out of jealousy.

Amy Harwood said...

So I have a serious problem. Every time I see that you have a spanking-new post, I say to myself, "self, you are at work. You should probably wait til you get home to read what promises to be an incredibly funny, yet workplace inappropriate, installment from Jill." And quick as can be, I close my iPad. But your words' sirens song is too seductive, and within moments i am logged back in and I am laughing out loud and turning all sorts of colors and attracting all sorts of attention. (And not in a good way.) Please,, someone, anyone, is there a 12-stp program that can help me control my urge to read the words the minute they hit IBWMW's virtual page? Or should I just surrender to the power that is Jill's genius?

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous, and then you must tell us the response you get.

Cagey, I don't know, can anyone tell that it's not actually exactly like a labia between two ass cheeks? how can one truly compare?

Amy, thank you, that was all rather dreamy. even though I suspect you might be thinking with your beauty hole.

Anonymous said...

Beauty hole ass
Vagina with egg
Vibrating

It's a haiku!

#NOTaHaiku #WhyTheHashtags #ThisAintTwitter

Bonafide Jones said...

>Being 2013
>Not having Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating
>ISHYGDDT

Anonymous said...

This installment sends me giggles and LOLs which totally risks waking the four year old cosleeping right by my back. The seller put it on as a joke ? She didn't even bother with spellchecker.

Tom Medsker said...

I believe the "Beauty Hole" was designed and made by Borat http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFP-MktgOKU to appeal to a diverse group of penis owners. That is called "marketing genius".
Some penis owners (I’m sorry to write) are not particular about the esthetics of the hole from which they experience “beauty”. There being only two remaining in stock is proof this produce is fulfilling rampant demand in a recession proof market niche.

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