Books by readers, "I'm horny lol" and whatever the hell else is in my mail today

Note: Sign not necessarily accurate

Oh girl, I get some good reader mail--real good--some so good, I'll never, ever tell you about it.

But among the sexy, flattering, funny and/or smart things, there's always something like this, fresh from today's in-box: "I'm horny. lol."

Yes, obviously "I'm horny. lol" is stupid and pointless and spectacularly ineffectual, but I hated it extra because:
1.  It's just plain selfish (they are horny but don't ask about my own situation).
2.  Use of the word "horny" (ick)
3.  They completely dissipate whatever "heat" they may have generated in the first two words with "lol."

Still. Reader, I married him. JK. Still too soon to tell.

Your Dick Is Fine--You Don't Need to Send Me A Picture Of It
Meanwhile over on Twitter, some dude wanted to send me his dick pic. Since this was a step above the usual unasked for surprise dick pic, I kindly directed him to Critique My Dick Pic. Yet he kept coming back, begging and begging me to look at it, claiming he was from a repressive society and was desperately worried if it looked okay or not. Finally, as no reasonable person would do, I told him to send me the damn dick pic and I'd tell him it was fine. He did, I did. But then, as you might have predicted, he kept writing, wanting me to rank it from one to ten. It was then I finally blocked him, about 15 messages later that you would have, and he will never know that I actually thought his dick was pretty hot, a solid 8 or so, even though I'd only give his personality a 2.

British Audio Porn
In happier news, reader Anonymous wrote me about 8 million years ago about British Filth. "It's a guy who records audio porn with an awesome British accent that is A-mazing.  It's first-person--put on your headphones and he's talking to you," A writes. I test listened to  "Jerk Off With Me" in which the Brit (who sounds like a pervier version of the Headspace meditation guy) instructs the male listerner to wank off along with him. It was indeed super hot and I was semi-wishing I had a dick too, then remembered, Oh yeah, I do.

Books by Readers
While I remain busy never writing my book, these friends of IBWMW have no such psychological barriers and are pounding them out.   

The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love & Life by Caitlin Grace. I completely adore Caitlin Grace because she's a bawdy chick with a cool accent. Her book is about being your bad-ass sexual self and just owning the fuck out of it--even if, especially if, you're an older chick. In one section about "creating sacred sanctuary," she writes about ridding your bedroom of family photos, unread books and such.  "None of that shit belongs in there," she writes, the unwarranted cussing making it that much better.

Inviting Desire by Walker J. Thornton is 30 day plan for midlife women to enhance their sex lives.  Thornton offers earnest practical advice and literary inspiration via Diane Ackerman, Pablo Neruda and D.H. Lawrence.

Of Sound Mind and Someone Else's Body by William Quincy Belle. A man and woman switch bodies and figure out stuff like walking in heels and whether they're gonna kiss. (Extra credit question for future IBWMW Ministers of Overachievement: Would you fuck someone who was residing in your body?) 

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And finally, the most popular thing I've written lately was a Cosmo piece on sex positions with a dude with a micropenis. It's had about 38K shares so far, 99.9% of them guys tagging their friends on Facebook: "This might help you with that problem you were telling me about." Bam!

At the same time the article came out, an actual baby started following me on Twitter. However, I suspect it's unrelated.

Anyway, I'll try to write you something good to make up for it all because I miss your ass. A lot.

xoxo
jill

Reader Mail--Japanese Edition! "This is art, dude!"

The sadness of unfavorable penis-to-bowtie size ratio.

I'm been on a bit of an extended Japanese jag, so let's finish this tangent off with some reader mail, shall we?

--Christina sent an email with the subject line--but of course--"Sooo...this made me think of you."

"I abhor parades," she wrote. "But this? Definitely a must see. Japan's Annual Penis Festival Is As Phallic As You'd Expect."

Yes, April 6 was Kanamara Matsuri, the "Festival of the Steel Phallus," which features phallic-centric activities such as the wearing of penis hats and the sucking of penis lollipops. (April 7, I think, marks the "The Day Penis Lollipops Are 50% Off.")

The celebration, the continuation of an ancient tradition, is a jolly street festival with penis seesaws, much crossdressing and giant penises being hoisted down the street. The woman hoisting that giant penis down there (below) doesn't look especially jolly about her role in the day, but in truth, I'm not certain what the appropriate expression is, really, for heavy penis hauling. I assume she is pondering the series of life choices that led to this exact moment in her life. But perhaps I am projecting.

Woman questioning life choices.

The penis, by contrast, looks quite happy, despite its lack of accompanying body. Everyone likes to be acknowledged, I guess. Or perhaps it's the penis' still unrealized hope that this will be the year they finally run into the Hime-no-miya Masuri, or Grand Vagina Festival.

--Next, this from Trista, who through international efforts, solved the mystery of what the talking onahole is saying:

"Hi! My friend [ed: let's call him Anonymous] is partway through a JET career in Okinawa. Though raised in the US, his father and extended family hail from that southern archepelago of Japan. Anonymous-san is currently engaged teaching the wonders of English to middle school Japanese students, the bravest of whom might possess their very own 'onahole'.

Anyway, I sent him your posting, and this was his response. :) I was hoping he'd send it in, but apparently he's shy:

What the Onahole is saying is (roughly): "Read the attached warning!"
 
The other stuff is just notes on various features of the product. e.g., the grey bubble on the top right reads: "THIS IS ART, DUDE! The start of the sinewy shaft is a perfect reproduction!" (I'm taking license with the translation. Direct translation sounds weird as hell.)

He also notes that the "ona" is for onanism (see also: How Wanking It Created The Universe and Other Theories on Masturbation). Thank you, Trista and Anonymous-san! It's oddly pleasing to me to think of dear, shy Anonynous-san way over there in Japan poring over tiny Onahole kanji so we all may Learn.

--And finally James alerted us to the existence of the Furu Furi Ona Shaker, which is an Onahole cleaner, somewhat like a cocktail shaker but with really awesome graphics on the outside. Look!

I like that guy there at the bottom with the big ol' afro shaking his Onahole clean. He does a nice job on Glee too.

Shown here forcing Sue Sylvester to behold his freshly cleansed Onahole.

But mostly I love the cheery expression on the little white shaker character. Like there's nothing he likes more the sight of someone's ravaged splooge-filled Onahole headed his way.

My series of life choices? A-OK!

Ads for the shaker feature a somewhat confusing series of diagrams which seem to be instructions on cleaning one's well-fucked and now languid, post-coital Onahole, like this:

Step #4

...and this....?

....Huh?

...but could just as easily be instructions on making the world's ickiest knickknack.

"World's Greatest Lover"

xoxo
jill

(source for photo of sad clown man)

DIY Edible Underwear

These were called Candypants. Shiny.

"New business idea," writes Janet in response to Taste Like Your Worst Nightmare. "Gourmet edible undies for foodies -- stuff like Meyer lemon tart that you sprinkle powdered sugar on after said panty wearer has them on. Molten lava cake that comes with whip cream lube. Then there's the savory edition so you could actually skip dinner and go straight to the sex--sushi flavored panties in assorted fancy rolls, beef wellington, and for the vegetarian, quinoa with chick peas and kale. I think there's a big opportunity here:)"

Yeah... Maybe.... 'Cept it's kinda been done. As my genius friend Bill put it on Facebook yesterday, "Yes, yes. This is every goddamn day of my life," linking to The Onion's Best, Most Original Idea Man Has 114, 000 Search Results.

Which brings us to this instructional (sewing pattern? recipe?) for DIY Beef Jerky Underwear.

Yep.

The recipe contains hot sauce and liquid smoke, which seems problematic, but I suppose if you're come to terms with the other accompanying comfort issues inherent with crotch/dried meat contact, you're probably good.

Isn't this wasteful? asked one earnest commenter.

"Where is the waste?" answered another. "They are edible. No doubt the plan is to eat them off your partner. [D]epend[ing on] the size they would be good for more than one fun time activity, pretty much guaranteeing they will be consumed to the last bit."

So, yeah, problem solved. You gnaw away at it until it all gets too sexy and arousing and the meat underwear must --must, please now!--be savagely and hastily removed. Then, next time you're feeling randy, drag those raggedy-ass, half-eaten jerky pants out of the pantry and don them suggestively. Maybe run around a bit or do a few squats, to further arouse your partner as well as soften them up for easier chewing.

My favorite comment was from one Wazzupdoc. "Let's bump this up a notch. Jump in the hot-tub to soften things up a bit and chew away! Secondary benefit? Soup!"

xoxox
jill

ps.  In Bed With Married Women is currently the #1 highest-rated and #3 best-selling erotica blog on Kindle. Clearly Amazon has a pretty loose definition/strange concept of erotica, but I'll take it. Though I do feel a bit sorry for anyone buying it expecting some sexytime reading and instead discovering a big ol' picture of meat underwear.


(photo source)