Thursday, January 16, 2014

Need Your Advice: How's Porn Affecting Your Sex Life? Plus, How Do You Take a Decent Cooter Shot?

I was so pleased by how you all came to the aid of a reader whose menopausal wife was no longer interested in sex. Several people wrote long and heartfelt messages to the guy and, well, it was just swell, real swell.

So, like a nonprofit that hounds you for years after you gave $20 that one time outside Trader Joe's, I return seeking even more from you.  In this case, it's not $20 (well, not necessarily) but your wisdom and experience.  Of which you have plenty. Which isn't a sentence.  And neither was that.

Anyway, wisdom.

1.  I am writing a story for DAME on how porn is affecting our sex lives.  And I need to interview some people who are out there dating. I'm looking for youngish people who could speak to what's going on in that demographic and older people dating again who have noticed differences between dating then and now. Anyone who works in sex counseling or research is welcome as well.

Is easy access to porn good for real sex or not? Are people fucking differently? Grooming differently? Expecting different/more things than lovers of yore? Is anyone experiencing trouble and/or disconnection when having sex with a real person there in real time? Are you needing to look at more extreme things to get turned on? Do you flip through a bunch of images or watch an entire scenario?

Let me know what's on your mind and whether you (or someone you know who might be a good candidate) would be willing to be interviewed. You can be anonymous or not.

2.  On the "Critique My Dick Pic" post, Little Queen Fish commented:
I would love to read some guidance for the female equivalent of the dick pic. We are at a bit of a disadvantage, with bits that are harder to photograph. Also, we need a catchy name for our pics. It's bad enough that men have a near monopoly on funny euphemisms for masturbation...we need a term for our up close and exceedingly personal shots! 

To appease LQF, I'm pitching a story called "How to Take a Decent Cooter Shot."

The thing is, I told the editor I was asking you all for some tips and I hadn't actually done that yet, so here, maybe you can give me some tips fast and we'll pretend like they were here all along.

I will tell you this:  I nerdishly Googled the topic ("how to take a good pussy pic," if you must know) and was completely horrified by the results. Not due to bad pussy pic overload--although that was true as well--but by the general response given to women asking for some basic How To tips.  It was mostly people shaming anyone considering it ("Don't do it! Show some respect for yourself!"), telling stupid jokes ("Send a picture of a cat."), or tired anti-feminist crap ("All vaginas are ugly!")

So...the Art of the Cooter shot. Have you mastered it? Received any that you deemed good or bad? Have any tips/advice? And don't tell me to take a picture of a cat because I will come up there and punch you.

We good then?



Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Reader Mail Week: Give This Guy Some Advice

Today's reader mail comes from "J" who is in a newly sexless marriage and so upset about it, he's willing to take advice from random strangers on the internet. That is, you. So go to town.

Bear in mind that when people ask for advice they want good ideas that sound pretty much like what they already wanted to do in the first place. Oh yeah, and don't be mean.

Here's J:

My wife has been depressed and is menopausal. She's 56 and has lost all sexual desire. Before we were pretty active. I'm 61 and going insane right now. I will not have an affair. Any ideas?

I have tried kissing, hugging, and just loving her and being there for her. I've tried giving a her sensual massage--not going anywhere else--and trying to build something up.

I'm ready to jump out of my skin. So tired of doing myself.


Well? What do you have for him?



What happened that day Mrs. Dolphin was away...

Sex is good. Nature is good.  The sea, marine life--good as well.  But something about this particular combination of those elements (below) totally skeeves me out.

See this cute dolphin?  Know why he's so happy?  And yes, I know he's a "he" because he is masturbating.  Which is fine.  Right?  Masturbating is healthy.

So, yes, I guess it's good and natural that the dolphin feels free enough in his sexuality to not have to hide behind some kelp or something to jerk off.

But in a way I kind of wish he would.  Because you know what he's jerking off to and/or in?

A decapitated fish.

I don't know what it is that gets me about this:  the sexual frankness, the fucking of the headless, dead fish (could there be any greater fish humiliation?) or that fact that the dolphin looks so damn happy about it, like he's just living the life.

I feel like I'm missing out somehow.


ps Thanks to the dear, longtime reader who sent this in.  I'm guessing you don't want me to name you, but you're welcome to out yourself if you'd like.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Reader Mail Week, Day 1: Maurice on Infidelity.

Ahoy!  It's Reader Mail Week, which...well, you're pretty bright--I don't think I have to explain it to you.

First off, is this response from Maurice in which I asked readers where they were lately on the topic of infidelity: 


Even the word sounds, I don't know, like it has to be spoken by someone in his/her 80s with a rasp and a heaping helping of holy indignation in his/her voice.

We called it a marriage, even without the ceremony, cake and small appliance gifts. It went over 25 years.

If she had cheated? I would have been majorly pissed, not because she cheated, but because she told me over and over again and in many different words and ways over the course of 25 years that cheating is the black side of a black-and-white situation — the purely wrong side. That such a thing was unforgivable. That it would be a betrayal of her, of her love, her dedication and commitment. Et cetera, et cetera.
I didn't agree, but (for once) was smart enough not to say it.

I would have stayed with her. To me, sex with another person — "infidelity" — is not the end of a relationship. It is sex with another person. The reasons behind it are the key. Did she cheat because she was bored? Looking for an adventure? Because she saw an incredibly hot guy, had an opportunity and went for it?
Or was it because she resented me in every conceivable way? Despised the way I thought? Hated the sound of my voice?

Oops. Okay, I sort of take it back. Towards the end, her cheating would have been a demonstration that she wanted out, or wanted me out. But early on, when we were solid and also young and horny? Her cheating would have just been sex with another person. It's sort of like when I went on motorcycle trips with the guys. Those were not demonstrations that I didn't want to be with her, just that I liked being with the guys sometimes, too. You know, not mutually exclusive.

I think too many people still think sex = love, that they're mutually inclusive (is that even a term?). I'm one of those guys who thinks love = love, and that sex should be a part of it, but that there can be sex without love and, unfortunately, love without sex.

Okay. Today? If my present partner banged someone else, I'd need to know why. Was it a caprice, or was it a sign of something deeper and more ominous? And if it turned out it was just a walk on the wild side and that she still loved me and only me and wanted our relationship to continue and grow, well, then, she's going to have to tell me everything. Slowly. And don't leave anything out ...


So there you go.  Feel free to chime in as well.

In other business, if you can use the word "business" regarding a blog that generates a three figure annual income:

--There is a new "Refer a friend" button on the IBWMW Facebook page. Feel free to make use of it.

--IBWMW was named one of the Top 14 Sex Blogs and Websites to Follow in 2014 by A Good Woman's Dirty Mind. If you are practice infidelity in your sex blog reading choices (how could you?), pop on over.

--I have still not discovered what I meant when I emailed myself this now-mysterious note: "vaginal decor."

I most decidedly did not mean this, sent in by Janet, in which an Australian artist makes a statement about informed parenting (???) by knitting a long scarf-ish thing from yarn that she stuck up her wang. Besides the parenting statement (again, I say "?????"), she is also trying to show that one not feel "fear and revulsion" about the vulva.  Which, perhaps, is best not mended by pulling out seemingly endless mystery steins of yard from where none should live, but perhaps that is just my fear and revulsion talking.


Coming tomorrow:  Reader needs your advice regarding the marital bed...

(photo: Lady Cheeky, another of the 14 Sex Blogs to Follow. If you're gonna cheat on me with another blog, choose her.  Totally hot.)