Thursday, January 24, 2013

Vagina. Panty. Vagina Panty!

I completely completely adore my friend Betty Fokker, the Stay-at-Home-Feminist Mom (slogan: "Do not try to oppress me with your patriarchal values. It will not go well for you."), but was so disheartened to read her post on an even more fucked up "development" in female genital mutilation aka "vaginal rejuvenation!" Not because of dear Betty, who writes beautifully on the topic, as is her way, but because--holy fuck, ladies!--can we please get our shit together, vaginal pride-wise?

This time, the supposed "trend" (developed by...who? way-crazy insecure chick? dickish, greedy doctor? asshole boyfriend?*) is slicing--yes, slicing, sliiiiiiiiicing--the labia minora clean off. It's called "the Barbie" which is retarded in about eight different ways. One of which being that a true Barbie would have a nice skin graft just sealing up the whole business. I call dibs on the patent!

Anyway, surgery is expensive and involves the aforementioned slicing, plus it's just so...permanent. And does anybody really believe that these vaginal "styles" will last more than, say, five years? I mean, if there had been a surgical way to get a permanent mullet installed in 1987, I'm sure some among us (well not us, because we are smart, but "us" as in us as a people) would have been lining up for perma-mullet surgery. Lining up, I say!

This crap has got to stop.

While looking up the link for Naomi Wolf's excellent book Vagina: A New Biography (and yes, don't you worry, little one, I will make good on my threat to present to you my new and improved Vaginal Worldview.) I saw this, and I knew it was The Answer.


This, my friend, is the Wearable Vagina, Vagina Panty.  It's for crossdressing, transfolk and the like, but I'm seeing the bigger picture here. It's panties with a vagina built right in! Even better, it's a currently socially acceptable vagina! Styles change--get you some new panties. Done and done! Sure, the underwear is $130.00, but c'mon, it's Vaginal Surgery Results--In A Panty!

I don't know what the hell it's made of or how it feels during sex, but we've established that all of that is irrelevant. I'm sure hacking off important chunks lady bits affects one's sensations as well. Get over it, sister.

The panties come in black, but check out this beige number below. It's a g-string (sexy!) but also a bit orthopedic-looking (grandma fetish!) for a confusing mix of sexy, functional and forbidden. Sex is sometimes about keeping your partner off-balance and I think these would do the trick nicely.



If you're budget minded, there's also a strap-on g-string version, the Latex Vagina w/ Urinary Feature for $99. I am intrigued by the mysterious "urinary feature," however, the Amazon "frequently bought together" recommends something called It Stays Roll-on Body Adhesive (ouch) which costs about 10 bucks so, pricewise, it might be a wash.

xoxox
jill 

P.S. I am suspicious of this notice (below) on the Latex Vagina w/ Urinary Feature. Anyone have a theory on the quote marks? They seem a little cheeky to me.

Under no circumstance can any of these items be returned or exchanged because of health considerations and laws! However, "with our permission", an "unused" garment may be returned for an exchange, if it is in its original packaging (for size or defects only).

*Update:  It was choice #2 "dickish, greedy doctor." Via Twitter @wqbelle sent me this fabulous article in the Atlantic which points to one Dr. Red Alinsod as the guy who invented the process of amputating women's labia and had the balls (for now! perhaps those too shall soon be deemed cosmetically unsightly) to give it the perky "Barbie" name. He now travels about the country speaking to OB/GYN groups about the mountains of profit to be made but snipping off healthy and useful body parts.
(Hanes Hosiery ad, 1954)

17 comments:

in bed with married women said...

no comments from y'all yet? come on! did you not see those creepy wax legs on the mannequin? Nothing to say about panties festooned w/ a disembodied vagina?

Spiffy McBang said...

I have to admit, I'm kind of laughing about the fact you're stunned no one's commented 45 whole minutes after you posted this.

I'd like to offer some witty response, but at the moment seeing a disembodied vagina is just making me wonder (for the eighty thousandth time, argh) what a particular embodied vagina looks like. So I got nothing.

Dicky Carter said...

Not sure what to say about this underwear...

bettyfokker said...

I am so very, very tempted to get a beige bikini top and wear the VaginaPanty to the beach as the bottoms. Can you have it made with more pubic hair and "bee stung" (OUCH) lips?

in bed with married women said...

Spiffy, you are laughing w/ me, right? except, hey, i wasn't laughing. nonetheless i wish you luck w/ you embodied vagina.

Dicky, you don't have to say anything about that. what about the "unused" thing re: the latex g-string. wtf does "unused" mean?

betty, that is a Capital idea.

My Half Assed Life said...

I would have commented sooner - but you know work. That and after being caught by my youngest looking at the video for the penis inside us I'm a little leery of reading your blog where someone might look over my shoulder.

This is a good thing, since those panties are something else. I like how they really stress the "unused" part in the returns policy.

in bed with married women said...

My Half-Assed Life: Exactly. What is the difference between unused and "unused"?

Jean Marie said...

First off... I don't know how I feel about those panties (it's on the outside!), but I know I'm glad that kind of things exists for people who can appreciate it.

Second off. "The Barbie"?? What the fuck. Who comes up with this shit. I bet it's a man. I bet he has a small penis. Ugh, jerk.

Love your blog as usual.

Mandy_Fish said...

I'm sorry, I'm still crossing my legs so tightly all of the blood has drained from my brain, therefore I can't leave a witty comment.

Cagey-C said...

This is a brilliant, brilliant solution to a really sick trend. Bravo! Plus, lack of permanence can only be a plus.

And for the record, I sported a mullet from 1988-1995. But what can I say? I had no fashion sense in my thirties. (Okay, okay, I was an impetuous youth. That excuses it at least a little bit, I think.)

tineke said...

I'm picturing all those chicks that had a Barbie done in 2013 going to Walmart in 2023 to buy vagina panties, so their weird ass chopped of labia won't be mocked by bedmates.... They'll never be able to have sex with the lights on after this trend blows over

deeman said...

Your blog has newly reminded me of the negative attitude many women seem to have about their vulvas. Where does this come from? Without a mirror they can't even see the area, and a mirror doesn't necessarily give the best view. But beyond that, beauty is a totally mental concept. Nothing is beautiful or ugly in itself. As the song goes, "you have to be taught to hate." As a male, I see my genitals every day. I understand some women find male genitals ugly. That's their problem. It is not a good starting point if they want to have sex. As a man, I've seen a number of vulvas. I have found them all interesting, fun to look at, exciting to touch, neither beautiful or ugly, but definitely wondrous. The idea of slicing them up is ugly, if you want ugly. A British woman made a documentary about labial "beautification." Appalling. Those protruding inner lips. Please leave them alone, ladies. They are a very sexy part of you. I have to add that I've never seen a vagina. I'd have to get a speculum and, really, that doesn't interest me much. It is enough that they are nice warm wet grippy things, and that they can give you and me some pleasure. We all need more pleasure.

drandrea said...

wow. i'm hoping that, as the polar opposite of that doctor, if i ever become famous for something maybe it'll balance that awfulness out. :/

Caitlin Grace said...

Another wondrous blog post from you. can't believe it's taken me this long to find it! Feel very late to the party :(
This whole vagina/vulva/labia thing is getting out of hand! I'm already wondering what the next trend is going to be? Sewing them shut with just a tiny opening in order to make them tighter perhaps? Oh wait that's already done isn't it? along with genital mutilation? In you know Third world countries. are we REALLLY so stupid that we PAY for someone to do that shit to our ladybits? Seems like we are.
Anyway I had another rant about it over at my blog awhile ago . You can read it here. http://cgrace4wellbeing.blogspot.co.nz/2012/12/vagina-vagina-vulva.html

in bed with married women said...

Jean Marie, further research revealed that it was indeed a man. and while i have no dick size figures, he is indeed now a very rich man. ps love you back.
Mandy, yes, and looking at them again, i wonder if you google me (after the third date, of course) those panty photos will continue to come up for all eternity.
Cagey-C, everyone had a mullet. we accept, we move on.
tineke--yes, so right. you can handle the european distribution.
deeman, yes, we need more grown-up men like you speaking out and beating back this encroaching stupidity.
dr. andrea--right, what i said to deeman, except change the men part to women doctors.
caitin--i'm popping off to read it this very second!

Matt Thorn said...

Just discovered your blog via Jezebel. Looks like a hoot. But, seriously, can you please stop using the word "retarded"? Haven't you been asked this a hundred times already? There are plenty of better words out there to choose from.

jill hamilton said...

Matt yes I was indeed informed of this about 100 times by vigilant Jezebel readers. Also that vagina and vulva is not the same. (Naomi Wolf just says vagina and I'm not worrying about that one). Anyway thank you for being one of two of the hundred who just stated their viewpoint and did not YELL it.

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