Tuesday, October 25, 2016

The Importance of Comparison Shopping When Buying A Wearable Vagina

These appear to be the $499 pair
I am here today to address the person who bought the Wearable Panty Latex Vagina for Transvestites and Crossdressers* through the Amazon link there in the right margin.

It's not that you bought a wearable vagina. That's all good with me. Transitioning is no picnic and even if you're just mucking about with toy genitalia, well, we all know about Buck, my big ol' fake penis. If I needed a vagina, or even just a spare, I'd totally buy one. I would buy the fuck out of one. No problem.

What I want to talk to you about is the need to comparison shop. I know I'm sort of cheap but if I were laying down $79.99, plus $8.99 shipping--well, 90 bucks is a lot of money and a wearable vagina is a pretty important purchase. I say do a little research first.

I mean, at least look at the photo:



I haven't actually tried this pair on, but c'mon, you can tell by looking that these things don't breathe. It's made of latex, for fuck's sake.

However, if I had tried this pair on, my pair might end up being the exact ones you get when you order yours. You see, the company that makes them seems pretty lenient with their return policy:

Under no circumstance can any of these items be returned or exchanged because of health considerations and laws! However, "with our permission", an "unused" garment may be returned for an exchange, if it is in its original packaging.

I'm not a germaphobe, really at all, but I am very uncomfortable with the cheeky quotation marks there. "Unused"?

Still, some people love latex, and you may not care whether or not your vag is "unused," but there's still the problematic design and I'm not talking about that too-high waist that makes them look like the very worst pair of granny panties ever.

You gots to read the reviews, my friend. Like this one:  "Crotch connection too narrow and doesn't cover testicles." Balls hanging out ruin the illusion at best and, at worst, make you look like you should seek immediate medical attention.

62.5% of reviewers gave this vagina a 1-star review, complaining of the cheap material and foam butt "padded by that home insulation spray glue stuff," says a review titled "terrible." I don't like those odds.

But the deal-breaker for me would have this review called "Sad Pussy": "It was made of cheap rubber loose at crotch ripped the rubber at crotch when moved cannot wear anymore never buy it again."

I'm not sure if it's the fear of the cheap material suddenly having a pinata-like explosion of crotch rip/inopportune wiener exposure or the fact that they're "loose at the crotch" making them the Period Panties of latex vaginas.

I started looking around for another vaginal option for you (IBWMW--at your service!) but got frightened away by the cost of this $499 little number. ($30 shipping for something the same size as the other vag?--that's how they get ya!)



They look okay, I guess, but I don't see the reason for the extra $300 + price increase. I assume the crotch pixelation is on the photo only and not on the undies themselves. Also, I guess listing the panty's color as "hair" is just a typo. I remain open to the possibility that this really is one hell of a pair of hair-colored pussy panties. If anyone tries a pair, do let me know if they're worth it.

In any event, here are some things to consider.

1. Look at the weather. "I recommend using baby powder before putting it on, and if it's hot and humid it will tend to start to become a little uncomfortable for long time wear," writes a wise reviewer.
2. Look at your skin tone. Are you black? Heed the words of this review: "My black friends all want some too but when they try my pair on it just looks comical! I can't take our sexy time seriously with the bi-tone skin colors in my face."  This is an excellent point.
3. Look at your belly. These only come in small and medium. If you have any kind of extra flab, you risk a vagina panty muffin top which takes a certain panache to pull off.

Anyway, dear reader, I am grateful that you bought it through IBWMW and I hope that the pair you get won't pop open, make your balls hang out, or be anything but "unused." Don't forget to suck in your stomach and put on a fuck of a lot of baby powder if it's hot.

Thank you again for your purchase.

xoxo
jill

*Update 10/24/16: Alas, sad pussy is no longer available. 

(photo via the lovely Lady Cheeky)
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