Saturday, April 13, 2013

Bill Gates and Condoms, A Big-Ass Tub o' Lube, Monsanto, and Other Notably Unrelated Things.

Improper condom use
When I lived in Ann Arbor, I wrote for a magazine section named "Tidbits." "Tidbits" is a terrible name. Tidbits are a low-end dog food, or possibly something you have to sweep up from a rodent's cage. When talking about my work, I would use convoluted verbal arrangements--much like this sentence itself--so as never to actually have to call the little blurby things I wrote "tidbits." Because I have my dignity, you know. Fucking "tidbits." Still hate it.

However, today's blurby post proves that although I am now far, far away from Tidbits, I still have some tidbitiness about me. (Sweep those up, will you?) But hell if I'll call 'em Tidbits. Here...let me think of a Theme. Let's see, the theme today is Things That Don't Go Together. Which is lame, but at least it's not Tidbit lame.

1. Bill Gates and Condoms
Emily sent in the financially important news that Bill Gates is offering $100,000 to the person who can design a better condom. The idea is this: Although condoms have been around at least 400 years, people don't really like them. Yes, they're cheap, easy and very effective in preventing STDs and pregnancy--so calm down, no one's saying don't use them or anything. However, they do feel kind of sucky and I think we can all agree that they look a bit ridiculous. (Pssst, not talking about you. You look sexy as hell in a condom. Your condom-encased penis looks absolutely nothing at all like a burglar wearing pantyhose over their face.)

Anyway, the idea is that you develop a condom that's somehow...better. Maybe it gives more sensation, maybe it's easier to put on, maybe it just looks mighty fine. All up to you.
What walks down stairs, alone and in pairs?

This ORIGAMI male condom is an example of what the Gates people consider to be an innovative condom. Besides that fact that it looks like it might make a pleasing SPROING noise, the folding design offers the following "advantages," according to its makers:

1. Easy donning method slides the condom onto the penis in 2.8 seconds.
2. Consistent expansion/contraction of the condom provides a natural reciprocating motion of the penis inside the lubricated condom.

Still, I think they still have a way to go aesthetically, and hell, perhaps the condom you design will go on in 2.7 seconds. However, if you are timing your own condom-donning, keep it to yourself or your partner will be gone in 5.4 seconds. Deadline to enter May 7, 11:30 a.m. Pacific Time.

2. Vinegar and Douche
A question for you: Why are there vinegar douches? Vinegar smells horrible.  There is no smell anyone's got going on down there that could be improved by adding vinegar to the mix. I get that vinegar's a weak acid (or I do now after Googling it) and it might have something to do with balancing flora or something, but is there no other weak acid to do the trick? Maybe a can of Sprite, or, hell, if you're shoving stuff up there anyway, how 'bout something inherently decent smelling like a basil leaf or an Altoid? (Btw, pretty much everyone besides the makers of Summer's Eve products agrees that douching is bad, unhealthy and not advisable. Especially using stinky-ass vinegar.)

3. Lube and Bulk Buying

The crush-worthy Firehorse_on_SL alerts us to the availability of this 55 Gallon Drum of Lube"Maybe a purchase for a very open-minded shopping club?" she suggests. It comes with a pump, weight 522 pounds and costs $1,235.94, which seems a bit steep, but the shipping is free so maybe it all works out. There are only "new" tubs available, which is probably for the best.

There are some semi-funny reviews over there--not anywhere near as good as the ones for the BIC Cristal For Her Pen (if you haven't seen them, go there at once) --and I am ashamed to admit that I laughed at one recommending the lube tub as being perfect for a session of schtupping the old, and presumably vaginally arid, Helen Thomas.

In case you're wondering, I just looked up the veteran newswoman to see if she was dead and she's not (Good news, Helen!), so I don't feel quite as bad. However, I don't want to malign her. Maybe ol' Helen is a tight and slick as...well, a Helen Thomas. "Oh God, watching you slide that Origami male condom on in 2.8 seconds is making me so...fucking...wet. Helen Thomas wet."

4. Monsanto and Sex Blog

I have a new piece up at DAME magazine, Monsanto: Six Truths and a Lie.  It's about the various dickish things Monsanto has done, which, upon researching, were actually more numerous and hideous than I'd ever dreamed.  Go on over and comment and/or share via Facebook or Twitter if you're feeling Fight the Powerish.

xoxoxo
jill

(umbrella image)

15 comments:

Vanessa D said...

Your "randoms" are hilarious. I laughed out loud when I read the part about how "your" penis looks nothing like a burglar.

in bed with married women said...

Thank you Vanessa D. Your penis, if you have or ever get one, also does not look like a pantyhose on head burglar.

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

Now I can't stop wondering just who out there needs that much lube! Are there some seriously well attended orgies going on that I've not been invited to?

Firehorse said...

Ask me nice and I will add you to my occasional email outage which is known to all as "Not Safe for Work OR Sanity". I send out the strangest, weirdest and often most disgusting things I find - but only if they make me laugh or go WTF loud enough to startle my cat. I must add not everything in my NSFWorS emails is directly connected to sex but...yeah - it happens.

in bed with married women said...

Kellie, no shit. Suddenly my social life looks to be seriously lacking.

Firehorse, how do we sign up?

Anonymous said...

Best.post.ever.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous--Helen, is that from you?

ValdVin said...

That barrel of lube looks Photoshopped.

Okay, to clarify: Not that I know what a 55-gallon drum of lube really looks like, but the logo imprint is flat and the barrel photo is three-dimensional.

Is it really available?

in bed with married women said...

ValdVin--I was noticing that about the picture as well, thinking that if you're gonna have a giant tub of lube sitting in your house, it might be better if it was just plain blue.
The answer to your question is....I don't know. If things are available to buy on Amazon, are they really "available"? It seems like they would be but...?

Ophelia said...

I kind of feel bad for the (doubtless) several giant lube barrels sitting alone in a warehouse in the dark, just hoping that it gets to be the one to party before it expires.

Ophelia said...

I kind of feel bad for the (doubtless) several giant lube barrels sitting alone in a warehouse in the dark, just hoping that it gets to be the one to party before it expires.

in bed with married women said...

Dammit, Ophelia, now I feel sorry for the anthropomorphized lube too. Also, now I wondering about proper ecological disposal of expired lube tubs.

Dani said...

Stop it! You're killing me!

Indolent said...

Oh hey, I used to live in Ann Arbor, too, except the only part of the News I ever read back then were the comics.

This contest kind of makes me want to submit something silly just to troll them. (But that would take effort, and I'm far too indolent.)

in bed with married women said...

Dani--thanks. or sorry.

Indolent--Indolence is the Ann Arbor way. ps. "tidbits" was for the Ann Arbor Observer. however, you will be pleased to know that my music column at the Ann Arbor News also had a dorky name, "Rock Beat." Which I also did not make up. I would have called it something awesome like Sparky or Fred.

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