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| Still Life with vaginal tube, flowers and a couple cherries |
Here it is, the dawn of 2015, and men still don't have a sex toy that can equal the instant and fiery love between woman and vibrator.* And while Modern Woman enjoys the spot-on ministrations of a battery-operated lover, poor hetero men are stuck humping away at a motley array of women-like disembodied body parts.
Yeah, yeah, there are guys pleased
enough with their Fleshlights
and the occasional happy love affair between
man and consenting love doll, but, like an elusive orgasm, most
men's toys are still not...yet...quite...there.
But damned if enterprising toy makers
don't keep trying. Behold some of the iffier contenders of
women-like things to have sex with that aren't actually women.
1. Portable Vagina
Vagina in a Can offered squishy pink
vaginal plastic, conveniently portioned in a can, like so many
french-style green beans. But Canned V never quite caught on, despite
the product's post-apocalyptic advantages (“Nobody panic! I've
stocked the fallout shelter with plenty of Canned Vagina!”). There
is little documentation
on reasons for the product's downfall, but perhaps it was due to the
recycling quandary of which bin to place unwanted freshly-canned
splooge.
Quickies
to Go eliminated the can entirely, opting for an open-ended
vaginal tube-like apparatus. Quickies to Go are disposable, which is
not only pretty wasteful, but could conceivably lead to a spate of
broken-hearted vaginal tubes sobbing at the curb on garbage day after
being used, then rejected. (And later, a dystopian future featuring
our Wall-E-esque descendants building shelter from huge piles of
poorly-degrading discarded tubes.)
Quickie to Go also comes in “Mouth”
and “Ass” versions and, if you look the products up on Amazon,
Amazon will helpfully also recommend “Crisco All-Vegetable
Shortening Sticks, 2 pack.”
2. Beauty Hole Ass Vagina With Egg
Vibrating
Beauty
Hole Ass Vagina With Egg Vibrating is...exactly that. And also
not to be confused with Big
Breast Beauty Hole Big Ass Pussy Vaginal w/ Vibration Egg which
is completely different, you rube. To make sure you've ordered the
right product, check your box. It should contain “1 x pussy” with
“the feeline of mridens's skin.”
Among Beauty Hole Ass Vagina With Egg
Vibrating's many mysteries is the fact that there is only 1 of these
vaginal assy things available for sale. Why only 1? Seems like if you
were taking the time to get out the Beauty Hole Ass Vagina-Making
Machine, you may as pop out a full run of 50 or, hell, even 100.
3. Blow-Up Sex Dolls
Blow-up dolls are semi-inexpensive, but
there's a reason we haven't all run off to live with our inflatable
lovers/cheap lays and that reason is seams. “I was sore
after one session from the beach ball openings,” wrote one
presumably chafed reviewer of the $44.95 Sexy
Flight Attendant. “I had to struggle with it just to get it to
'submit.' I did not expect this from a plastic lover,” wrote
another reviewer of the $19.43 Wraparound
Lover, who thus entered the infinitesimally small demographic of
people who have been spurned by blow-up doll.
Note: The holes on blow-up sex toys are
sealed with pull tab-like strips of plastic "for hygienic and
safety reasons." (Warning: removed tabs may alert the blow-up
doll's watchful friends that you two did more than just "go get
coffee.)
4. Onaholes
Onaholes are kind of like Cup O'
Noodles, except all flavors are “vagina.” For those who want some
backstory with their wank toy, there are holes representing brides,
virgins (hymen
included) and even a deserted
island survival version with three holes. There's an Advanced
Fellatio Hole that can actually bite (!) and a Hairy
Pussy Powered anatomical mashup featuring—ack!--a tongued
vagina. Onaholes can be tricked out with a variety of accessories
including an onahole-holding
butt that you can stick on your fridge, something unpleasantly
called "Saliva
Lotion,” and uber-specific scent sprays like wife's
armpit.
If aroma is important to you, maybe
spring for the special
onahole cleaner first. As one reviewer noted of his well-satiated
onahole: it “starts smelling after repeated use.” (He also noted
that it was “tight to the point where letting go will just launch
it right off of you.” Which is kind of funny--except no one's gonna
be laughing when someone's stinky old flying onahole puts someone's
eye out.)
5. Extreme Onahole
5. Extreme Onahole
Extremes Onaholes enhance man/machine
love with an alarming array of moving mechanical parts. The A10
Cyclone "has a series of brushes that rotate back and
forth over the item in question. Think of it as a shoe cleaner for
you weenus," wrote John Biggs in TechCrunch,
who called the Cyclone "overwhelming" and, less
importantly, called his cock a "weenus." The Cyclone sounds
pretty hardcore, like the male equivalent to the jackhammer intensity
of the Magic
Wand, so use caution putting anything in there, including one's
weenus.
The top-of-the-line VORZE
A10 Cyclone costs $566, has 8 “simultaneous stimulations,”
seven customizable speeds/vibrations and can be hooked up to your
computer to sync with video. For women worried about being replaced
by machine, this may be the toy to fear. No matter how
delightful in bed we all are (which is plenty delightful. Plenty, I
say!), none of us are sportin' a series of varying-speed rotating
stimulators between our legs. Which is probably for the best.
6. Love Doll Brothels
Love doll brothels offer disease- and sex trafficking-free sex, plus a complimentary fresh replacement hole for every new man. (I say “man” because the chance for eerily quiet companionship and non-responsive, one-sided cunnilingus tends not to appeal to Sapphic lovers.) Love doll brothels challenge the natural tendency to anthropomorphize. The dolls wait pleasantly seated in the lobby even though, really, stacking them in a pile in the corner would work just as well. And when that creepy dude comes in, it's hard not to feel at least a little bad for the doll he chooses. If you plan on going: According to this video (NSFW), be alert to the alarming possibility of the doll's head falling off mid-coitus.
7. Sexbots
6. Love Doll Brothels
Love doll brothels offer disease- and sex trafficking-free sex, plus a complimentary fresh replacement hole for every new man. (I say “man” because the chance for eerily quiet companionship and non-responsive, one-sided cunnilingus tends not to appeal to Sapphic lovers.) Love doll brothels challenge the natural tendency to anthropomorphize. The dolls wait pleasantly seated in the lobby even though, really, stacking them in a pile in the corner would work just as well. And when that creepy dude comes in, it's hard not to feel at least a little bad for the doll he chooses. If you plan on going: According to this video (NSFW), be alert to the alarming possibility of the doll's head falling off mid-coitus.
7. Sexbots
Even though it's been predicted that we
will be having sex with—and loving—sexbots by 2050, the
technology is so not there yet. Check out these sexbot
demonstration videos featuring Susie Software and her
counterpart Harry Harddrive demonstrating their indeed-quite-robotic
thrusting techniques near a really unstylish blue Pennsylvania Dutch
love seat. Especially good is the one where Harry is flipped on his
side, yet continues his grim air-thrusting, like a sexed-up fish
washed ashore. Real Dolls
look a whole lot better but lack as much movement. And ordering them
requires a certain level of comfort with facing options like “elf
ears,” “extra faces” and “labia repair kit.”
Most dauntingly, sexbots are still
crazy expensive. Susie and Harry range from the just-lyin'-there
version at $6000 to the remote-controlled, touch-activated model for
$11,299, and a high-end Real Doll can
run $51,000. If those prices are too steep, both Harry and Susie
are available for rent, which, well, let's just end on that.
xoxox
jill
*Have actually changed my opinion on that one. See forthcoming story!
PS Dr. Andrea is IN and taking your questions on health, sexuality and other embarrassing issues. Send it your shameful concern to jillhamilton001@gmail.com. You can be completely anonymous (except for me, and I'm not gonna tell anyone about your weird growth.)
PS Dr. Andrea is IN and taking your questions on health, sexuality and other embarrassing issues. Send it your shameful concern to jillhamilton001@gmail.com. You can be completely anonymous (except for me, and I'm not gonna tell anyone about your weird growth.)
(The book, not her actual vagina. For actual vagina purchases, see #3.)
(one black, one nude), dropping $130 apiece.
and the adult-sized 
--please know that while you sit there with four anal plugs up your butt, reading forced milking erotica in your newly cat pee odor-free home, I thank you from the bottom of my vaginal panties*
for a post I always claim I'm going to write, but somehow never do, and AGAIN I went completely off-track via some other enchanting vaginally-related product (see also: my 
primarily because it's called BEAUTY HOLE ASS VAGINA WITH EGG VIBRATING.
