Showing posts with label free stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label free stuff. Show all posts

Monday, November 4, 2013

The Unsexy Sexting/Sexy Talk Contest and Other Poorly Worded Things

The other day I was in the dressing room at Kohl's when I heard a odd shuffling from the next room.

It was a guy and a girl fucking--right there in the lingerie department dressing room.

"Oh God, I am going crazy," the guy whispered with a feral desperate lust, to the sound of bodies and clothes being undone/pushed up/pulled down to get better access to each other. Hot.

"Fuck yeah," said the chick in a tinny voice. "Fuck yeah."

"Fuck yeah"?  Ugh. So...trite and porny.

That she said "Fuck yeah" totally ruined it for me, which is lame and judgey but there you go.  Maybe it's because I'm a writer or maybe because I'm female*, but to me, the things that are said during sex are hugely important.

Words are even more important during sexting 'cause it's all words. Wrong stuff just sits there being wrong. And autocorrect just fucks with things even more. Autocorrect can turn a sexting-appropriate response of "Oh God, mmm...." into an upsetting-to-all "Oh God, mom..." 

Several weeks back, I asked the 1,164 good citizens of the IBWMW Facebook page for some examples of bad sexting, as well as bad sex talk in general, and got stories of "precum" becoming "precinct" (usage: "I want to lick your precinct") "ass" becoming "assistant" (i.e. "I am grabbing your sweet assistant, hard") and the like.

Of course, some of it's just personal preference--one person's hot talk is another person's passion destroyer. Once in high school, a guy was trying to get me to take off my shirt and instead of just saying that--hell, it might have worked--he asked me if I wanted to try something called--puke!--"smurfing," which near as I could gather, had nothing to do with Smurfs (thankfully)** and everything to do with me taking off my shirt.

Here are some more:

Quentin:  I wanted to say, "I would love to see you when I am in town."  Instead it came over, "I would love to fuck you while I am in town." Needless to say, that coming from this gay man, to an older straight friend was quite shocking!!

Mark: "I'm pregnant, you're the father, and I'm gonna kill all three of us!" ....She was quite a lady...

Claudette: I was about to give him a blowjob and he said, "Suck it like it's the last cock on Earth."

Jane:  I once typed a very graphic and rather perverted text to my (then) boyfriend Neil and promptly sent it to a work colleague called Neina....Actually that would be a better answer if the question was "Have you ever sent a text and then shouted NOOOOOOOO at your phone?"

Hey, get to the contest part, lady.

Okay fine, send in your worst sex talk and sexting fails and you will be entered to win this fine
Butterfly Bliss Silicone Waterproof Vibrator courtesy of Good Vibrations.  Winner will be determined by the vagaries of my whims. Deadline is, let's say, Friday, November 8. Enter via comment below, the IBWMW Facebook page, comment form at right or email.


*There is some evidence that it could be a chick thing. Females are more subject to distraction during sex. According to Kinsey:

Cheese crumbs spread in front of a pair of copulating rats may distract the female, but not the male.  A mouse running in front of a pair of copulating cats may distract the female and not the male. When cattle are interrupted during coitus, it is the cow that is more likely to be disturbed while the bull may try to continue with coitus. (Note: The word "coitus," btw, should never be used during coitus. Or maybe ever.)

** The separation of Smurfs and sex is a personal decision for me, and not one shared by everyone--as evidenced by this fan fiction "Smurfette's Springtime Encounter" which contains the following verbatim passage:

Tenderly, Rina reached up parting Smurfette’s hairy vagina lips. She could see a little pink bump at the top as Gargamel said. This caused the bound blonde Smurf to protest more, and try to wiggle her hips in hope to shake off Rina’s hand. Rina leaned forward with her tongue out placing it on the moist pink nub. There was a salty tang that wasn’t bad. She proceeded to move her tongue tip lightly over Smurfette’s clitoris. Smurfette’s pubic hair was course on her tongue.

(Photo via Passionate Sexual Healing)

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Contest! Win a velvety twirly vibrator! Just answer an unanswerable question!

Your challenge:

Is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating an ass....or a vagina? Explain. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating.

As you may recall, we know that its package contains "1x big ass" so that might provide a clue. On the other hand, we also learned that it boasts "the feeline of mridens's skin" which tells, well, that's for you to decide.

Winner, as chosen by the vagaries of my ever-changing whims, will be announced Tuesday, May 28, 2013.

The prize:

Formal portrait of purple Pirouette with blue friend
This fabulous Pirouette Waterproof Vibrator from the sexually empowered folk at Good Vibrations, who maybe will continue to give us free stuff if some of y'all get your butts and other toy-needing orifices over there and buy something.

Here's Pirouette's blurb:
Offering a new twist on vibration stimulation, this waterproof vibe features a spiraling shaft, creating a contoured surface to add a textural element to penetration play. The super-smooth velvety exterior feels sensationally soft against the skin while the simple dial control lets you adjust the intensity to suit your sensual needs.

Sounds good, yes?

So get your brain on this:  Ass? Or vagina? Ass? Or vagina?


P.S. In Bed With Married Women is now the top rated humor blog for Amazon Kindle--thanks to YOU! Which translates not to highest sales. That would go to a blog called "Joke of the Day," perhaps because it's incredibly hard to unsubscribe from. Here's a review of Joke of the Day:

"it was terrible and it comes up EVERYDAY on your homescreen. i suggest NOT to buy this blog. for one reason it is a waist of money on this silly blog and my other reason is because, the jokes are inappropriate and have NO funny part of them.

Exactly! Don't waist your money on silly things with no funny part of them, switch to IBWMW today.


Thursday, March 14, 2013

Contest: Write a Six-Word Sexual Memoir

6 words: See-though partner kinda freaking me out.
Now that we've mastered the delicate art of bad erotic haiku, we now move onto the Six-Word Memoir. The six-word memoir was popularized by Smith Magazine spurred by a challenge Hemingway was reportedly given to tell a story in six words. He wrote: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." (Although since Hemingway was known to leave his stories at a good stopping point so he'd be inspired the next day, perhaps the first day's draft read: "For sale: baby shoes, never...")  I told my 11-year-old about the six-word stories and she went off to her room, coming back with "Party after war--no one came." 

So yes, you can go all dark like Papa and my dear daughter, or you can take it whatever direction you'd like. My instructions are just this: write your sexual memoir in just six words.

The winner, chosen randomly, because who the fuck am I to judge your Art, man, will be announced Tuesday March 19.

The prize is this Play-Doh-looking Butterfly Bliss Silicone Waterproof Vibrator courtesy of Good Vibrations. This g-spot intensive, plus outer stimulation set-up, according to my sex toy-selling friend, is good. Damn good. So you might wanna work for this one. Or if you'd rather just buy your way into it, click here.

Leave entries below as a comment or drop me a line at:


(photo source: Lady Cheeky)

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Instant-ish Karma Contest

Early remote control vibes were unweldly
In Bed With Married Women has hit well over half a million page views, which is great--even though maybe 100,000 or so are from people like... the dear Canadian who Googled "Barbie beds in Hamilton" and instead of getting a nice kids' furniture store in Hamilton, Ontario, got my post about some dude sticking a stack of Barbie doll heads up his butt.

And in the past couple of days, some of you lovely souls have bought stuff through Amazon, Good Vibrations or shelled out for a Kindle subscription.  So I'm happy--or at least as happy as I can be on my new, only marginally effective, generic Lexapro.

In this state of sort of/almost happiness, I am moved to do something for you. Something I do best, which is give sex toys to random people online. Which, luckily, is exactly the career choice What Color Is Your Parachute? recommended for me.

Today's offering is the bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator from Good Vibrations. Best of all:  Remote. Controlled. Which is completely hot.

Oh, I'll press it again. If you beg.
A $69 value, here's the blurb:
This ingenious and quiet little vibe is perfect for naughty partner play! Hand over the remote (which will work up to 20' away when the batteries are fresh), tuck the velvety soft-finish waterproof bullet somewhere sensitive, and wait for unexpected (or carefully negotiated) fun to begin! The remote's backlit screen shows which of the ten different functions -- from different vibration intensities to oscillation and pulsation settings -- is currently working its magic.
(There was also a bit in there about not sticking it up your butt and "a cord for retrieval when used vaginally," but the whole idea of remote controlled butts and heroic vaginal rescues seemed like it might "ruin the mood.")

Anyway to enter, do something nice for In Bed With Married Women--go to the right margin and donate, buy some Amazon thing or get a big honking vibrator from Good Vibrations (Jesus, look at this one.) If you're cash poor, but rich in friends and $6.99 bottles of generic Lexapro (I hear ya), then you could recommend a post on Facebook or pass a note to a friend in class or something. Whatever you want! I won't even check because that's how much I trust your ass, Dear Internet Stranger.

To let me know you have indeed entered and do--dammit!--want that Wireless Vibe up your wang or the wang of someone you love, leave a comment below. You can tell us what act of IBWMW boosterism you did, or not. I'm not the boss of you. And if you're shy,  send me an email.


ps Jennifer M. asked on the IBWMW Facebook page how the Amazon, and Good Vibes ordering works. If you order something using a link on this page, I get a cut. However, I DO NOT see who is ordering what or anything. So, if you want to stock up on all your Santa fetish gear and accompanying erotica, I will be none the wiser. So go to fucking town.

pss Winner announced Monday.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Title This Post Contest

O, cruel biology
So I was going through your responses to the questions about clit-vag distance and its relation/non-relation to your propensity to come via straight-on intercourse alone (Woo! Sexy talk. Is it hot in here?) and now I am just...depressed. Or possibly pissed off. At the very least, I am most certainly miffed.

Why? Because of those among you who can have an orgasm--like no problem--with no other kind of hand stimulation, mouth assistance, divine intervention--nothing. Practically all the time.

For example, in response to "Do you come easily, sometimes or never via intercourse alone?" Anonymous commented:

"rather easily and usually multiple times"

And Naomi bragged answered:

"always come easily, no fingers or appliances needed (or even wanted, too distracting from the main event)"

For me, coming from just fucking alone has happened--maybe--five times. In my life. And that's rounding up.

It's biological tyranny, I say.

For men and the rare lucky chick who just needs a little in-and-out to come "rather easily and usually multiple times," let me explain. I think porn and romance novels and the in-and-out chicks have skewed what we think is a "normal" sexual response. Despite what we see and read all the damn time, the majority of women need some sort of extra stimulation to have an orgasm. The vast majority of women. That's just how it is.

Several men and women, who I consider to be generally enlightened, have mentioned variations of "it just takes the right man"--which is, I think, only true to a certain extent. Yes, some men are much better lovers. Yes, some men's parts are more compatible with your own. And yes, some men will get you so hot you could practically come from their gaze. All of these are good and can help.

However, in most women, the clit is where things are happening. But in a cruel twist of nature, Today's Generally Accepted Fuck Moves are happening in the vagina, which is annoyingly close to the clit, but...not...quite...there. Men, picture if your main sensory pleasure center was, say, on your perineum but you were expected to get to your bliss via regular old boning. You could get close. Your balls might rub against there occasionally, or you might figure out some crazy-ass position that sort of almost did the trick. But it wouldn't the kind of direct you-are-there-stimulation you'd need.

This is not to say that most women don't like pure fucking because we do. We definitely definitely do. And not just gentle soul-lock lovemaking--sometimes the hard and fast porny fuck pounding, too.

Wrote JS: I like the fuck pounding even if it doesn't "get me there." This is what I crave during sex, a certain amount of roughness or hard thrusting. The soft stuff and touching is great also, but I can do that on my own. I can't fuck myself hard.

Added Anon: Oh, hell yes!! But I don't come like this. Just enjoy it for the raw intensity and squishy noises. :)

I was feeling embittered by this and started wondering if I were a bad lay. After all, would you rather fuck someone who came "rather easily and usually multiple times" (sorry, I'm obsessed with this) or someone who was going to need a hand, and not in a metaphoric sense? I mean I can see that there's a certain hotness in being able to control a woman's orgasm with your touch or to be able to watch her as she brings herself to that place, but damn, I was still a little jealous.

Luckily Trisha, who's making a completely cool sounding movie about female sexual response called Science Sex and the Ladies calmed my ass down over at Reddit:

Agreed, it does make you feel high-maintenance and frustrated sometimes, but I say we think of these "in and out" orgasmers in a different way; as a really small minority - like the 1% billionaires. They're loud and influential, and the culture seems to be shaped around their needs, but it shouldn't be. The vast majority of us, and probably a lot more than we'd think, are in the same boat. We just need to start shaping the culture more around our majority situation; then we wouldn't have to feel so frustrated for no reason. Let's rise up Grinders and Manual Stimulators!! :)

While I head to my workshop to make signs for a Grinders and Manual Stimulators rally, here's a bit more from Trisha:

Masters and Johnson found and recorded physiological evidence of some women who orgasmed from penetration alone, but hypothesized it was a Rube-Goldberg situation where the penis pulled on the inner lips which pulled on the clitoral hood, which rubbed against the clitoris. These orgasms were just like the ones they recorded from more direct clit stimulation, but were the weakest orgasms they recorded - not surprising since it was the most indirect way to stimulate the clit. They didn't find any anatomical characteristics that predicted the ability to have orgasms this way.

Not only do I very much like the Rube Goldberg reference tossed into a discussion of fuckery, but this idea of the weaker orgasm is interesting to me.

I asked a friend if she could come via straight ol' p-in-v (Yes, my social skills could use a little refinement. Thanks for noticing!) and she said, "Sure. Sometimes." When she saw my face darken with envy, she added kindly, "But they aren't as good as the ones I get when I masturbate."

I come away (not via vaginal intercourse, as you now know) even more confused. Are women's orgasms via sex generally weaker than via external stimulation? Are men a little bummed out when they get a woman who requires more work? Shouldn't our high-maintenance ancestors been edged out through evolution--how are we the majority? And how fucking unfair is it that most of us get what might be seen as a pretty major genetic rip off?

I'm also having new admiration for straight men, gay chicks and other lovers of women. I know every new lover is a different country to discover and all that, but seeing the huge variations in what women want, like and require made me realize just how hard it would be to fuck a woman well. The focus-on-the-clit move that would be meltingly blissful to one would be way too intense for another. Men are different from each other too, of course, but it doesn't seem like the differences between them are quite as extreme.

What do we do with all this? We get JUSTICE, sister. I'm having a contest. The prize is this Buzzing Blossom silicon vibrator from Good Vibrations for external stimulation.  You only get to enter if you or the woman you love does not come "rather easily and multiple times." Yes, I know it's unfair, but it's a thousand times less unfair than not being able to come porn-style. We all have our cross to bear.

To enter, drop me an email or leave a comment telling me what this post should be titled. It's almost 5 in the afternoon and my brain is no longer functioning, so I'm relying on you, my differently-abled friend. (btw, if you're feeling squeamish about people knowing how you have an orgasm, check the Name/URL box on the comment form and give yourself a fetching pseudonym.)

Winner announced Tuesday, October 30.

photo: Etude de nu 1950 by Raymond Van Doonen

Monday, April 2, 2012

Misguided Googler Contest, Plus G-Spot Finding

As decreed on the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page, I'm compiling a list of reading materials referenced on the blog. Said materials (mentioned by me or readers) will include plain ol' smut to smarty-pants sciencey/sociological things to stuff that's funny. (And do let me know if you have any recommendations.)

Anyway the task is way more arduous than I was expecting and the kid I hired as IBWMW Minister of Arduous Tasks didn't show up for work today, so I'm gonna need more time.

To make up for my trail of broken promises (I swear, kid, we're gonna make it big someday!), I offer you this contest. Your task:

Match the Misguided Googler's search terms with the IBWMW post Google sent them to.

Search Terms (as spelled)
1.  "is it ok to fuck married women in ass"
2.  "why married women deire anal pleasure with vibrators"
3.  "picture ofpenise in vegina"
4.  "grateful old slags getting screwed" (IBWMW is the #3 choice for this, btw. Which is bittersweet.)
5.  "sex porno sperm from mouth to your vintage"

Google-suggested IBWMW landing page:
a. The Fuckiest Conest Around
b. The IBWMW home page
c. Spatula, I'm taking your ass down."
d. How Wanking It Created the Universe and Other Theories on Masturbation
e. Sorry, No Explicit Picture of Penis in Vagina

First one to correctly match the search terms with the landing page wins The Pop Tops Deluxe Silicon G-spotter from Good Vibrations. It's designed to go on top of the infamous Hitachi Magic Wand Massager  (you rest the flattened end pleasantly against your G-spot). So if you don't have a Hitachi Magic Wand, you're kinda out of luck--in many ways, or so I've heard. Lack of G-spot* could present a problem as well. (If you prefer, I can send you the huge-ass bag of 20 Lifestyles condoms Planned Parenthood recently gave me, clearly way way overestimating the amount of sex I would be having in the 7 days it would take my new IUD to become effective.)

You can answer in a comment below or via email. I'll announce the winner when someone gets it right.


*To get my mind off the suddenly very depressing fact that I didn't use the 20 condoms, and even perhaps even need to go back and demand more at once ("Only 20 for 7 days? Seriously?"), let me ask you this: Did you read any stories about that largely discredited "cosmetic gynecologist" (puke) who claims to have discovered the G-spot in the corpse of an 83 year old Polish woman? On one hand, I was happy that he described the spot as "grape-like" instead the usual "shaped like a bean" description since, as you recall, the bean is the least sexy of the legumes. (see also:  How to Have a G-Spot Orgasm).

But on the other hand, I couldn't help but wonder if that Polish woman was having that out-of-body death experience where her soul floats over her body. As she headed peacefully to the light, did she take one last glimpse back upon her earthly self and see this, this...guy, what? What the...? Was he sticking his fingers up her wang?!** What, after all these years?  Now? NOW, someone looks for her g-spot? And a handsome(ish) doctor, no less? "No, no, not ready yet! There is more I must do!" she yells wordlessly, as she glides, no longer so peacefully, toward the warm, glowing light.

** Actually it was a billion times less sexy than this. According the Miami Herald, he "peeled back the six layers of the cadaver's vaginal wall and found a sac structure between the fifth and sixth layers that housed grape-like clusters of erectile tissue." "Peeled!" Holy crap!

(photo: Anonyme - Nu aux bras lev├ęs, ca. 1930) 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Fuckiest Contest Around

We learned a new word over at the IBWMW Facebook page yesterday:  "fuckiest."

It was given to us by a Misguided Googler®* searching for "fuckiest woman." "'Fuckiest' is instantly my new favorite superlative adjective," commented Suzanne.

Agreed! Though I'm not sure about usage. If someone says, "That was the fuckiest thing you ever did," is that, like, good? Bad?

"Absolutely," wrote Brad, sagely.

And that's what makes fuckiest so great. It doesn't actually mean anything, but, damn, you sure sound like you feel quite strongly about...whatever it is. Fuckiest takes its meaning from its context. Like a word version of tofu, but a really kick-ass tofu.

Which brings us to today's contest.  Your challenge:

Use the word "fuckiest" in a sentence. 

The prize is the lovely Midnight Desire Pleasure Wand Vibrator (shown in the photo) from our benevolent corporate overlords at Good Vibrations. (You can also just buy it yourself if you're not a gamblin' type.)

Here are the technical specs, if you're picky about what you stick up your wang.
Get ready to conjure up sensational sensuality with the Midnight Desire Pleasure Wand Vibrator. This bewitching blue beauty is a mini-sized wand style vibrator that packs a powerful pleasure punch. The flexible head bends in every direction to facilitate proper positioning while the powerful Japanese-made motor cycles this vibe through three levels of intensity and three vibration patterns. Similar to the popular Mystic Mini vibe, the Midnight Desire is battery-powered, splash proof and suited to shallow submersion in up to approximately 3 feet of water, making it a charming travel companion. A pretty pouch is included for storage at home or on the go. For an absolutely enchanting erotic experience, the Midnight Desire will have you spellbound.
Midnight Desire Pleasure Wand Vibrator
Silicone and ABS
6” x 1 ¼” diameter (15.24 cm x 3.17 cm diameter)
Uses two AAA batteries, not included
Volume: 3, Intensity: 4
So yes, not only is it a $49 value, but you can also submerge it under 3 feet of water, if you're subjected to flooding conditions while aroused.

Drawing is Saturday, March 17. Fuckiest sentence wins. Whatever that means.


*My other fave Misguided Googler® of yesterday: "You should fuck the robot." Which, I just decided, is going to be the chorus of the first death metal song I write. It'll be blah, blah, verse expressing sentiments of angst and whatnot...  then I'll yell hoarsely, "You should FUCK THE ROBOT!"

Thursday, February 23, 2012

I've Got Your Damn Contest Right Here, Buddy. Write Some Bad Erotic Haiku, Win a Manly, Manly Prize

All hepped up by the post on Bad Erotica, reader Bill over at the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page had the genius idea for a bad erotica-writing contest. "Oh, yes," I thought, "But the Gentle Readers of Today are busy. How about a bad erotica contest...using haiku?"

Are you in?

The prize is a cock ring, because we're classy like that. Specifically the O-Man Waterproof Vibrating Cock Ring courtesy of my sex toy corporate overlords at Good Vibrations.

Here's a photo of it posing nicely for you, at left:

What the hell does a cock ring do? Well, here, let's have a look at the description.
Take a step up from standard stimulation with the O Man Vibrating Pleasure Ring. This buzzy buddy combines a battery-powered bullet vibe with a textured elastomer ring for superior stimulation, and then brings “the boys” into the action with the “baller” attachment! Just stretch the secondary ring to wear around the testicles to kick the intensity up a notch.  And while the O Man makes a super ring for solo play, the additional tickler nodule on the baller makes it the perfect partner pleaser as well.  Waterproof and easy to use, the O-Man is exactly the right tool for yours!
To win it, write me some bad erotic haiku and put it as a comment below or email it in. I'll pick a random winner on Saturday. Let me know you're an IBWMW Kindle subscriber and I'll give you two entries because, quite frankly, I like you more than everyone else.

If you don't have a cock of your own, or access to one, or cock is not a part of your life, I guess you are out of luck, unless you have a hard-to-buy-for man in your life. Sorry. I'll make sure to get a lady-pleasin' prize next time.


(photo source)

Monday, December 5, 2011

Bad Sex, Gratitude, and a Contest to Win a Pair of Vibrating Panties. (And don't worry your pretty little head, I'll tie it all together)

Wouldn't you like to know?
Okay, I lied. I am actually not sure how I'm going to tie this all together but let's give it a go, shall we?

Item #1: Gratitude. After my little rant about Google pulling their ads from In Bed With Married Women due to my supposedly "pornographic" ways (see also: Yes, There's Adult Content. That Would Be Because I'm An ADULT), several gentle readers came through to Fight the Power by springing for a Kindle subscription (only 99¢ a month!), going through the blog links to buy something from Amazon or Good Vibrations, or flat out donating money. I don't even know how to say thank you without sounding like an ass, but please know that I am beyond thrilled and humbled. So. Much. So.

Item #2: A Contest to Win Vibrating Panties. Because I am so hideously inept at expressing my gratitude in words, I'm going to Plan B: giving away a pair vibrating panties! Here's the Good Vibes description of said panties (insert game show music here and read the following passage aloud using an announcer voice. Unless you're at work, in which case don't. And get the fuck back to work.):
Frisky fun is just a click away with the Remote Pleasure Panty! These flirty black lace briefs feature a hidden pocket sewn into the inner lining specially designed to hold the curvy-shaped bullet vibe close to the body for a superior external stimulation experience. Plus, the included wireless remote allows your or your partner to take control of the sensations from up to 20 feet (6m) away, with 10 different functions of vibration, escalation, and pulsation to choose from.These sexy skivvies adjust to a variety of sizes with satin ribbon side ties that lend these lacy lovelies sass and sophistication. Whether part of your intimate play or to add excitement to every day, the Remote Pleasure Panty is a discreet and titillating treat.
Nice, right? I like the whole aspect of someone else being able to control them from up to 20 feet away (or 6 meters if you're sharing the love with a Canadian or Brit* or something). And I like that the volume ranking is only a 2, meaning the vibe is not very loud. It would probably ruin the effect if every time your lover (I'm going to imagine mine being British and thus standing 6 meters away) fires up the panties and they roar to life like an old gas-powered lawnmower. Anyway, they are a $64 value, meaning you will get at least $64 of "superior external stimulation experience." Which sounds good to me, if not a bit space alien-sounding. "Please spread your leg modules to commence external stimulation experience." (If you don't wish to publicly state your sordid desire to win such panties, you can just order them directly.)

Item #3: Bad Sex.The Literary Review has announced this year's Bad Sex in Fiction nominees. The bad sex doesn't seem nearly as delightfully bad as usual but have a look if you'd like. I did, and I probably shouldn't be admitting this in public (The Internet--it's FOREVER!), but this nominee from The Great Night by Chris Adrian didn't sound bad, but, well, kind of hot to me:
"His lady lifted to the stars on his impossibly stiff, impossibly elegant cock"

Impossibly stiff, impossibly elegant cock? What is the bad part, exactly? (Anyway, if you have time/inclination, you might also like this smart funny essay by contest judge Jonathan Beckman. Who, I think, might be, hmmmm...British.)

Item #4: Hey Jill, Quit Dreaming of Remote-Wielding Brits and Get Back to the Damn Contest! Right. In honor of the Bad Sex awards, I am hereby decreeing it to be BAD SEX WEEK here at In Bed With Married Women. Thus, to enter to win those sexy sexy panties, you must provide us with some bad sex. You may either:
1. tell us about some bad sex you experienced (sorry 'bout that, darlin') OR
2. share some literary bad sex.

You can either fork over the bad sex via comment below, or if you're feeling shy, via email. I'll announce the winner Friday, December 9, 2011.

To get you started, here's a sample of real life bad sex sent in by the always delightful Can't keep anything to myself as a comment on the last post 7 Things I Learned At Homemade-Sex-Toys.

Apparently Trojan also thought Ben Gay/Icy Hot + sex = great idea. Fire and Ice condoms anyone? I actually thought these seemed like fun. Especially after the super cheesy commercials. "Burning and freezing sensations in my vagina?! Sign me up!" I was reluctant after reading reviews from people who said they were too fiery and too icy, but my curiosity got the better of me. And faith in the toughness of my vagina. (What can't she do?!)
Lo and behold, my vagina is in fact too tough (and by tough I mean insensitive, NOT tough like beef jerky is tough). I didn't feel a thing. My partner on the other hand had to run to the bathroom to wash his fiery-icy genitals in the sink.
I felt kind of bad. And yet, I'm still kind of jealous I didn't get to feel ANYTHING.

Want a little more bad sex, do you? Don't worry, I'll be providing you with bad sex every single day this week. (Wait a minute, that doesn't sound too good, does it?)

*This is incorrect.  See also: Sandra, a Brit, pointing out my ignorance of global measurement standards in comments below.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

New Contest, But I'm Going to Make You Work for It

Instead of waking up early and briskly typing out the lovely essay on science, crushes and obsession as I'd planned, I instead chose to hit the Motrin PM last night and watch multiple episodes of "Breaking Bad." I have not learned my lesson and would make the same decision again, but consequently, in place of the hard-hitting, life-changing reportage that you expect around here, I'm forced to offer you the (much less brain power required) gift of Earthly Pleasure.

To wit, this, the Pocket Rocket vibrator* from wholly delightful sex toy company, Good Vibrations:

You know you want me...
To win it, simply be the person to gather the MOST new fans to In Bed With Married Women by next Tuesday, Sept. 27. "Fans" can either be:
--Followers of the blog via Google Reader (see follow button in right column)
--People who "like" the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page 
--E-mail subscribers (see Feedburner form in right column)
--New Twitter followers (@Jill_Hamilton)

Bonus point opportunities!: 
--A shout out and link to In Bed With Married Women on your blog counts counts as five fans.
--A link to the blog or a particular post counts on your Facebook page counts as five fans.
--A FF or RT on Twitter counts as five fans. 

You can either have your recruitees tell me you sent them OR let me know how many you suckered in via comments below or an e-mail. Again, deadline is Tuesday.

* Disclosure:  I once owned one of these pocket rockets and it, combined with this ridiculous looking bunny sleeve thing, was so good, I actually had to throw it away. I loved it too much. It was also the inspiration for the post How to have a G-Spot Orgasm. So, what I'm saying is, well, the %$%& is good. Maybe too good.

Good luck...

[photo:  Undervannsakt (Slow Water) by Raymond Mosken, source]

Thursday, June 16, 2011

A Really Good Contest, Plus Your Ugly Celebrity Crush

See that blue thing below that appears to be pointing to these words? That, my friend, is not just a handy pointing device, but also today's fabulous contest prize.

It's an iRabbit Mini Waterproof Vibrator from hipster sex toy company Good Vibrations, an $89 value! (insert cheery game show music here.)

Damnably, I haven't tried it myself, but it sounds quite delightful. One, it's phthalate-free and waterproof. Two, it ranks very low on the volume scale (good for sneaking back to your room to "fold the laundry"), yet ranks highly on the intensity scale (meaning, laundry folding will be really, really....good.) But, that's not all--dude, listen to this ad copy: 
Sporting the same semi- realistic design [as the full-size version], the multi-speed iRabbit features the swiveling shaft, scintillating pearls, and multi-function pulsation patterns for a variety of stimulating experiences. 
The last part of the sentence with the swiveling shaft and whatnot is so appealing, I can scarcely be bothered to make a joke about the "semi-realistic design." I would so get this swag for myself, but I'm pretty sure I'd never leave the house again. (Note: not a lie.)

To enter, name your Ugly Celebrity Crush as a comment below. A UCC--because I'm literally too lazy to type the whole fucking name again (a time-saver I just negated by typing a much longer explanation which required the additional arduous task of italicizing. Crap.)--is a famous person who, while technically ugly, still has a certain something. Which is visible only to you. 

Dick Morris,
Mine, I am sorry to report, is Dick Morris, who is a complete asshole and, truth be told, getting pretty fat. Yes, he's a fat, unattractive, politically heinous asshole, but...well, rrraaoooww. 

I know. I know. I am filled with shame. 

Okay, now you. Who's your Ugly Celebrity Crush?

Winner will be announced Monday, June 20, 2011, and selected by me and the vagaries of my whims. Or...if I'm lucky, me and my new lover, Dick Morris.

(Btw, if you want to bypass the contest and get to that "laundry folding" right away, click here to order the contraption.)

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Very Quickest of Contests. Bare Your Soul! Win a Prize!

The prize:
Blossom Organics Warm Sensation Moisturizing Lubricant from girl power/sex healthy sex toy purveyors, Good Vibrations. It's from their popular environmentally-friendly Ecorotic line.

Here's the description:
Heat up your days and nights with this delicious warming lubricant! Formulated by an organics visionary with a special mission to make the best intimate products for mindful women (and pH-balanced to mimic a woman’s natural chemistry), this Blossom Organics product contains no harsh parabens, petrochemicals, silicones, glycerin, alcohol, hormones, pesticides, artificial dyes, flavorings or fragrances. Certified USDA approved organic botanical ingredients create the warmth -- enjoy the extra sensation along with this superior lubricant's long-lasting moisture. Water-based, latex-friendly, and perfect for those with chemical sensitivities who can't use other brands of lube.
And it's a $15 value, my friend. Because nothing's too good for you and your tender naughty bits, gentle reader. That's right, no Polysorbate 80 on your wiener.

To win, you need merely, uh, wait.... let me think of some task for you. Okay, to enter, describe a sex move someone else performed on/to/with you which they thought was super-hot, but was in actually not hot--possibly even repellent. (Bonus points for understanding the previous sentence!)

Contest closes by noon tomorrow, so start dredging up those unpleasant memories. Winner will be chosen by secret voodoo ceremony, or hormonal rage, or perhaps a random drawing. We'll have to see how I'm feeling (see also: "hormonal rage.") Okay, then. Go on, now.

(P.S. Alternately, you can 'win' the contest, in a sense, by pulling out your credit card and just buying the damn thing. Hooray for you! You 'win'!)

Friday, April 29, 2011

New Contest: Win some smutty reading!

A few months back I asked the good citizens of the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page* what they'd like to see as a contest prize. The resounding answer was, surprisingly not what I usually offer, that is, "giant blue vibrators with vaguely frightening prongs," but "sexy books."

Oh, I won't judge because I too am a fan of the smut (See also: In Praise of Smut, if you don't believe me.). I think a little smutty reading puts you in a more sexual/sensual frame of mind which makes life a hell of a lot better.

Thus, as part of my unceasing efforts to make life a hell of a lot better for you, gentle reader, this week's prize is Playing With Fire, a book of sexy stories from cool, SF-based sex shop, Good Vibrations.  I haven't actually read it, but here's the blurb, complete with its embarrassingly excessive scorching! fire! heat! imagery.
This scorching collection of torrid tales will leave you burning with desire. Incendiary short stories tackle taboos and set boundaries ablaze, allowing couples to act out their most fiery fantasies. Alyson Tyler gets burned in “Some Like It Hot,” while Thomas Roche’s “Hot Off the Presses” follows a reporter infected with rock ‘n’ roll fever. Playing With Fire will ignite your imagination, fuel your fervor, and inspire you to have some smokin’ hot sex!
To enter, list your favorite sexy book in the comments below. I'll choose a winner by random drawing on Tuesday. And if you don't feel like waiting around 'til damn Tuesday to left "burning with desire," you are more than welcome to order the book yourself.**

* For more on my love/hate relationship with the IBWMW Facebook page, plus some truly awesome (deliberately) bad smut written by the lovely Katsidhe see The Language of Seduction, Plus Guest Smut from Tapetum Lucidum.)

**Disclaimer: a portion of your Good Vibes purchases made through this blog goes to my Lexapro paying-the-electric-bill fund. (A note to the shy: Don't worry, I don't see who is ordering or what people order or anything like that. So stock up on anal plugs, dungeon master DVDs and sexy nurse costumes--I'll be none the wiser. Unless you want to tell me. Which is also fine. I think. Unless it is too weird. Then it would probably creep me out.)

P.S. A few people have told me that the comments are acting weird. You can also enter by emailing me.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Blog That Rewards You For Your Failings

Today's contest asks you the inappropriately personal question: What Stupid-Ass Thing Have You Done for Love (or, if you prefer, "Love-Resembling Emotion That Cruelly Disguised Itself As Actual Love")? Did you write bad poetry? (Check.*) Feign an interest in the intricate fretwork of guitarist Adrian Belew? (Check.) Subjugate your personality until only faintly recognizable? And even then only observable during the vernal equinox with the use of special goggles? (Sigh. Check.)

Don't worry, no one will judge. Really, it was all so long ago. Why, it's difficult to even remember the white-hot burn of shame of not being true to your own bad-ass self. Besides you're, like, a million times smarter now -- right?
That's why the prize for this contest is the It's All About Me Kit from eco-friendly, girl-power-promotin', dildo-sellin' sex toy company Good Vibrations. The kit (a $32 value) includes:

It's all the better for your New and Improved Lover (or yourself, also a decent lay) to minister to your needs.

To win, confess your stupid-ass love moment in a comment below (or send an email if you're a big pussy). I'll choose a winner according to the vagaries of my whims. On Tuesday. So think of something fast. Good luck!

*Oh, god, I did write a poem. Yes, a fucking poem. Worse, I gave it to the guy. Rather, I presented it to him somewhat ceremoniously like, "Behold this precious gift" (in my defense, I used to be quite a drinker). The shame of it still burns today. In fact, so preoccupied have I been with my own shame that it's only today--writing this--that I realize how horrible it must have been for the poor guy to have to receive the hideous poem. He had to read the frickin' poem--in front of me--and act like he was touched, or at least like he liked it. And that, my friends, would surely qualify him for top honors in Stupid-Ass Things Done for "Love".

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Masturbation Devices, Anti and Pro. (Plus, the Guest Wanker Contest!)

I am thinking of masturbation this morning. Not in the sense of putting it on my morning "to do" list (although--what the hell--maybe I was, you don't need to know every damn thing), but in a more general sense. Specifically, how masturbation has spawned so many devices to deter the supposedly evil habit. (For other masturbatory writing--and no, I am not referring to this entire blog--see also: If You Can't Be With The One You Love).

My sinful train of thought was spurred by Stephenson Billings' The Anti-Masturbation Movement's 14 Greatest Inventions in ChristWire, the fake (I hope...) hard-core right-wing web site. The article details all kinds of dreadful devices used to stop people from touching themselves "down there." There were penis fans to keep one's member from undue warmth, full body suits to prevent lustful wandering hands, and alarm systems designed to alert parents to their children's nocturnal erections (not quite sure what the parent is supposed to do once alerted). Penis cages and trusses locked the guilty organ up or tied it down to physically prevent shameful erections. And when those didn't work, physical pain was employed. "The Timely Warning" (pictured) prevented "night emissions by arousing the wearer." "Arousing" is, at the very least, a curious choice of words. I guess it's an 1800s adman's best try at a positive spin on what would more accurately be described as: "being rudely awakened from your sweet dreams and pleasantly swelling erection by the sharp stab of a ring of metal teeth cutting into your wang."

It's strange that we would have developed such a virulent fear of self-love because throughout most of history, masturbation was considered natural, good, a sign of fertility and such. There are spurts of masturbation references throughout art, mythology and history. So accepted was the practice that nannies in 17th century Europe would masturbate young males who couldn't get to sleep(!) (Perhaps this is what people mean when they complain they can't get good help anymore. Carmen, the lady who used to clean my house before I became poor, never once even offered to give me a handjob. The bitch.)

In the 1700, it's like we all lost our minds and became dreadful prudes, enflamed by various influential pamphlets of the day detailing the hideous moral, religious and health problems caused by spanking one's monkey. In "A Solemn Appeal," Sister Ellen G. White lists a host of old-timey ails caused by "the practice" including the dreaded "dropsy." The alarmed Sister warns, "The mind is often utterly ruined, and insanity supervenes," which perhaps explains why I have been known to stare blankly when someone asks me my cell phone number.

At a certain point, anti-masturbation advocates sound less concerned with the moral health of our youth and more like completely insane sadists. Consider John Kellogg, the cereal guy, who claimed that the "solitary vice" caused a host of health problems, up to and including death. "Such a victim literally dies by his own hands," Kellogg wrote, perhaps chuckling to himself over his wit. I knew Kellogg was whack--I mean, the dude invented his own high-powered enema machine--but I didn't realize just how much of a nutter he was until I saw this in Wikipedia's History of Masturbation:
He recommended, to prevent children from this "solitary vice", bandaging or tying their hands, covering their genitals with patented cages, sewing the foreskin shut and electrical shock. He also recommended burning off the clitoris to prevent masturbation in girls.
As part of In Bed With Married Women's one blog campaign to counteract such nonsensery, our prize today is a pro-masturbation device--dropsy be dammed! The prize is a six-pack of Tenga Egg Masturbation Sleeves from sex toy company, Good Vibrations.  Each egg contains a squishy, tube-shaped thing with a different texture--ribbed, vertical ripples, and whatnot. It's not as "arousing" as the metal spikes, perhaps, but it does reportedly give a nice sensation to a man. Wrote one dude in a Good Vibes user review:
Wet and squishy. Delicious. And wow, your cock looks really strange and really cool—like a failed, cloudy aspic—bulging and pulsing through the translucent elastomer and striated or spotted with the texture. Is it weird to get off on how your cock looks in one of these things? Probably but I don't care. 
Here's what you must do to win:
--Have a penis, or access to a penis.
--Be willing to write up a short description of your experience with the Tenga (either on yourself or using it on another) to share with the rest of class here at In Bed With Married Women. (Note: the phrase "failed, cloudy aspic" has already been taken.)
--Leave a comment below or drop us an email to indicate your willingness to do a public service wank. I'll pick a winner Monday.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Today's Contest is Somewhere in There...

I'm reading Melissa Febos' Whip Smart (not to be confused with Liz Phair's similarly brash and ballsy Whip-Smart), a memoir about a bright, nervous college student in New York who decides--what the hell!--to become a profession dominatrix in a Midtown dungeon. It's a hyperliterate exploration of all kinds of seediness, from the author's (possibly) secret heroin habit to the various elaborate--and often bathroom-related--fantasies that regular-looking dudes in New York pay $75 an hour to... enjoy. (Is "enjoy" the proper word for having someone pee on you? I am willing to entertain the possibility that I am missing out on something, but for me, contact with someone else's pee would lead directly to a frenzied Lady MacBethian scrubbing session with a big-ass bar of soap. Preferably caustic old-time soap, chockfull of banned chemicals and lye.)

To go with the whole S&Mish theme, today's contest prize was going to be a pair of handcuffy things for a reader to try. I was even going to make the winner report back on how it all worked out for them. But the best part was that the handcuff things were non-leather, vegan handcuffs. Yes, cruelty-free bondage gear. "I wish to torture someone cruelly, but want to make sure that no animals will be harmed."

Unfortunately for the part of my brain that really, really likes a tidy theme, In Bed With Married Women's sugar daddy/sex toy company Good Vibrations sold out of the cruelty free cuffs immediately. Thus the fare I offer you does not relate at all to the theme I spent SEVERAL minutes of time composing in my head while walking the dog, but that's just going to have to be okay.

To make up for it, today's prize, the Date Night Delight Kit, is full of all kinds of slide-y, sexy, vibrating stuff that will make you forget all about my precious tidy theme and urinating Manhattanites. That's right, if you win, you will be too busy babbling incoherently after enjoying this:

Waterproof Mini Bullet Vibrator
2 Please Lubricant Samples 
Ignite Me Massage Candle 
Touch Me Massage Oil 
Devour Me Lickable Oil 
Mini Rub Me Massage Bar

Hmmm....what should I make you do to win? Actually, no... fuck it, unless someone's handing me $75 an hour, I'm not making anyone do anything. To enter, just leave a comment below (or if you're a big wuss and/or don't want anyone to know of your excessive lickable oil usage, send me an email).  I'll pick a winner on Saturday. Okay, then. Run along now.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A Contest, Because We're All About The Free

Your plan for the
"Afternoon Delight" isn't just the name of a really bad song, it's also the name of today's exciting In Bed With Married Women prize. The Afternoon Delight Kit from Good Vibrations (clearly there are kits for absolutely everything these days) contains all sorts of girlie treats. To win its bounty: click on the link (here it is again), then be the first to come back here and correctly identify one of the items in the kit. You can answer as a comment below or, if you don't want the whole world knowing that you spend your days trolling the Internet for free marital aids, drop us a quick e-mail.

(Note: Just so you know, when you order from Good Vibrations, they don't send your stuff in a see-through box with "Here's your weird-ass stuff, you big ol' perv" scrawled all over it. It's just an innocuous-looking package with a plain, vaguely British-sounding return address like Barnaby Limited or something like that. No one will be the wiser about your penchant for his n' her butt plugs, falconer's gear or whatever it is that floats your sexual boat.)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Behold! The New Contest Has Arrived.

The fabulous prize this time around? This lovely "Night of Romance Kit" from Good Vibrations, purveyors of pro-sex goodies that range from nice little romantic candle/massage oils all the way up to scary, alarmingly large plug things for people's butts. (Instructions: place item in butt.)
Mmmmmmm, free stuff.
If I were feeling testy, I would award the prize to the first reader brave enough to watch the E.T. porn (bear witness to the horror--or don't--in the post The Most Unsexy Porn EVER). But I am full of soy latte and all's right with the world, so I will give you a simpler task. Well, sort of simpler. It's actually kind of multi-tiered. Here's what you do: Be the first to correctly post the name of any one of the items from the Night of Romance Kit (shown above) on the wall of In Bed With Married Women Facebook page. All right then, don't tarry now and good luck.
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