Wednesday, March 4, 2015


I haven't had sex in a really really long time. If I were to calculate the exact length of time for you, my eyes would well up with tears, and none of us wants that. (They might anyway, 'cause that's what's going down these days. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

I hadn't even had sex with my damn self, which is weird, because I'm a pretty easy lay. My life situation right now is such that people are pretty much always around me, none of whom want to see or hear me sprawled in my bed, wantonly having my way with myself.

But the other day I decided I should probably have a damn orgasm--for health reasons, if nothing else. I locked the bathroom door and started drawing a bath. I slid down to the spigot end of the tub to angle myself so the water stream could go where I needed it to go.

I don't know if you've ever had sex with a water stream but if you're a woman, it's kind of a sure thing. Usually this would have been a two-minute and out kind of deal. But for some reason, it took just... so long. Perhaps it was because I was slippery and kept sliding away from the water that was supposed to be fucking me. Or perhaps it was that I had become so divorced from my passion that I actually was doing this "for health reasons." 

I finally came for no other reason than I was determined, which, for the record, is quite low on the list of arousing thoughts. I don't remember if it was even good or not. It was just something I needed to have happen that did. Check.

The next day, I woke up and my legs were completely sore. Probably taking a long walk in flip-flops, I thought. Note to self: wear more supportive shoes. For health reasons.

Later I realized, Crap, it was the bath fuck. I had been clenching my legs so desperately, for so long, trying to have that lame-ass orgasm, that I, like, hurt myself.

For the next few days, my sore legs reminded me of several things, none of them horribly pleasant:
1.  I had sex with water.
2.  I had unsatisfying sex with water.
3. Though I consider myself to be in fine shape (Mighty fine! How it is that am I sex-less?) if there were ever a situation in which I had to do some sort of under-spigot competitive clenching, I would not end up on the winner's podium.
but worst,
4. During one of California's worst droughts in history, I had wasted water.

I'd like it think it wasn't entirely wasted. But if you want to report me, here's the web site for the Long Beach Water Department. There you can find several categories of water wasting such as "watering (with potable water) on a day other than Monday, Thursday or Sunday." I'll leave it up to you to figure out my specific violation.


(photo source)


Anonymous said...

My mojo went missing for the better part of a year. Then I remembered and it came raging back with the help some some truly filthy smut.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous 1, filthy smut plus entire life overhaul should do the trick. xo
Anon 2, thanks. i was thinking it was way too fucking dark and TMI as well. But I'm kinda too fucking dark and TMI just in general, so what else would it be?

Anonymous said...

Nothing wrong with a water fuck. Now you just need to do it everyday to get back in the groove-so to speak. ❤️

Anonymous said...

I love your writing. You touch my soul every time.
I have been where you are and felt the hopelessness. I stepped outside my marriage to get what I craved. My heart was broken, but I have no regrets.
In hopes that removing secrets would improve our marriage, I told my wife what I had done - although she already knew, because I was happy again. Telling my wife was a mistake, it gave her a new weapon to use when she wants to punish me.
Discomfort eventually leads to action in healthy people. I wish you the very best and know that you will have joy in your life just as I will.

Anonymous said...

Your story reminded me of the way I feel when I am taking Zyrtec for a seasonal medical condition.
While on the drug, I feel totally asexual, bound up, and alienated from any sensuality.
Once I am off the drug my mojo slowly comes back though. I have a pretty rich fantasy life which dates back to when I discovered sex (in those days exclusively with myself).
I really feel like I need to stay in touch with that fantasy life or else one of these times the Mojo might go away and not never come back. I really would miss that, even though the fantasy part has gotten me into trouble with my spouse at various times.
Do not lose your mojo Jill!

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous 3, well, now everyone will know that I'm not just taking a bath. i blame myself.
Anonymous 4, thank you for your lovely words.
Anonymous 5, "never come back"? gah!!! i'm on it!

Unknown said...

Jill, this was a lovely, hilarious piece of writing. If you've written a book, please tell me so I can go buy it and read it; if not, please consider it. The world needs more of your writing in it.

You have my compassion and respect during your difficult time. May this drought be followed by crazy-great greenness!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. Our sex lives ebb and flow, especially as women. As long as you keep in mind the importance of your sexy-self, it will come back when circumstances and/or your body are ready. In my ebb, I've had a 'manditory' orgasm or 2, and they really kinda suck. Flow will come back.xoxoxoxo

Chaffyn said...

This is your Daddy, Baby. You poor thing. It's okay. Things *will* get better. Daddy promises. Daddy is lustful himself, but hasn't been able to get there at all for two days now. So we're in the same banana boat. At least, Sweetness, you *did* get off. Love ya! Hugs!

Toula said...

My first thought was, "why doesn't she have a hand held shower head?" I used to have one that was amazing, four center jets also rotated. Sadly, it died and was replaced by a lesser hand held shower head... which is in the tub that is currently out of commission, and has been for over six months. :( when it's fixed, I'm going to take such a long, hot shower! For health reasons, of course.

Jean said...

I love your wry sense of humor. And sorry about the drought, but if it's between your happiness and someone watering their lawn, well, I think you win.

This is sigh worthy. You did what you had to do, to get over the hurdle, but now you have to find a pleasurable method. Hopefully the next one will blow this one out of the water. I'm sorry, I had to say that. Good luck, Jill. Love your blog.

in bed with married women said...

Michael, thank you so much! maybe it will give me a kick in the ass. (though it might take a literal kick in the ass at this point.)

Anonymous the 6th--xoxox (also "mandatory orgasm"--dystopian sci fi idea...?

Chaffyn, thanks, man. good luck over at your compound. (note: not my actual daddy.)

Toula, i have never known a showerhead in that way. will be on my 'to do' list. under 'mandatory orgasms'.

jean, i love you back. was lurking around your blog the other day and loving the love motel piece.

Anonymous said...

The description of your neediness resonates with me. I tried to read Cici Sparkle's post, but had to stop as it is so very similar to my life. It's good to know that I am hardly alone in feeling sexually deprived.

Living a relatively sexless life for a long time, I've been in the condition you describe fairly regularly. I used to be able to take care of that need -unmet in any other, more "socially-acceptable" way- and sometimes ended up with sore legs if I was in the shower for a while.

I live with a prudish partner who resorts to shaming when she isn't the provider of my sexual release, yet she has no interest in fulfilling that need herself. With her, I can't win, so I don't play.

While I'm still capable of sex with a little herbal assistance, I've reached the age where if I were to let it go it wouldn't bother me much physically. That is the only option my partner is willing to allow me, as if since her libido died, mine must as well. This is not acceptable to me.

Divorce is not an option. At my age, having to start over again is not an attractive future. Her mother taught her all about the legal tricks one can use in court to get one's way with an ex, and I saw how her father had to live for the rest of his life. Not going there.

While I am working on solutions to my condition, I really want to see our young men raised to know something about the sexual psychology of women. This would be so they can find the ones who like sex and not bind themselves to ones who only use it as bait to catch a sucker with prospects.

Any thoughts?

High & Dry

Virginia G said...

Late to the party as always. (Reading, enjoying the blog, etc. apologies in advance for random comment bombs on old posts)

1. Having sex with water in a state with a severe drought is so awesomely, hilariously, rebelliously badass it...
2. Makes me wish that I could come (Hate spelling it cum. It makes me do the opposite) with water and/or live in a droughty state. Geographically speaking, that is.

Water and orgasms don't mix for me for whatever weird reason.