Thursday, April 21, 2016

Why We Fuck

I was sprawled across my bed, utterly wrecked, one morning many years ago. I'd just had amazing amazing phone sex with someone who, to this day, remains the most attachment-avoidant person I've ever met.

"Holy fuck," I mumbled, made dreamy by ravishment. "Why was that so...good? We were on the phone."

"People need connection," he said simply. To my surprise, even he had known this, deep in some barely accessible part of his poor love-avoidant heart. And it had been a connection, an intense sexual communion that felt like something real had happened, even though no body parts had been touched or even seen.

This private connection between lovers--This is why we fuck each other, even though there are plenty of promiscuous toys, pillows, and shower spouts that can do the job quite well. And, yes, it has to be fucking (of some sort) because other human interactions--a nice chat in the bank line, for example--just won't do it.

Bearing witness to someone surrendering to their instincts--just being with them in the moment they lose themselves--is fucking powerful. And to find someone you trust enough to fall into that void with them, well, it's a rare and beautiful gift.

On a less sublime level, I think it's also about being present in the Now and existing in a state of Flow, where you are wholly consumed with what you are doing. These are purportedly optimal (and often needlessly Capitalized) states for achieving happiness, inner peace and well-being. (See also: Ekhart Tolle's  The Power of Now and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's  Flow). The orgasm is, like, a bonus to what's really going on.

Caitlin Moran describes this kind of focused-attention-on-another in her book How to Build a Girl about a teenage Brit who transforms herself into a badass music journalist/sexual adventurer:

"Here's the amazing thing about sex:  you get a whole person to yourself, for the first time since you were a baby.  Someone who is looking at you--just you--and thinking about you, and wanting you...You are in a room with a closed door, and no one else can come through it....It seemed to me that this was the real reason people wanted to fuck so much. To get here. To get to this tiny, quiet place where there was nothing else to do but be with each other. Just to be two humans who had--for a short while--stopped wanting."

That idea fits nicely with what I discovered when I looked on PornHub the other day for the Top Rated Video of All Time. It wasn't "Bitch takes cum in her hair" or whatever I was expecting, but a sweet little clip of a sleepy, tousled-haired woman waking her lover up and giving him a blow job. 

This top-rated video--OF ALL TIME!--showed two people portrayed as affectionate, familiar lovers happy to be waking up together in such a nice way. They weren't over-the-top porn excited, but just enjoying the everyday-yet-so-amazing swollen pleasures of taking someone you like in your mouth and/or being taken thus. In the world of porn, this was maybe about the squarest, most vanilla thing ever. And yet it was the most loved...of all time! (For that one day, at least. Today, alas, I can't re-find it. It has been replaced by "Hot blond maid having anal." Top-ratedness is apparently fleeting. )

The point of all this being: sexual connection, in whatever form it takes, is something we all seek, including the millions of surreptitiously wanking users of Porn Hub on that particular day. Even my old friend, dear attachment-avoidant boy, needed this intimacy, albeit from the distance that felt safe to him.

We all need to get this place, however we can--where you get to be two humans who have--for a short while--stopped wanting.

Go find your place.

xoxox
jill

(photo)

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lovely post, Jill, and so true.

Anonymous said...

Thanks again Jill. Your latest column has reminded me why I am so attached to my Domme.
She seems to just love to dress me up and then do strange things to me, and it makes me happy to be that man for her.
We get to be together and yet apart form the world and share an intimate, sexy, naked secret. It is perhaps, not a normal connection but still a special connection

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous~~thank you!

Anonymous~~right on. xo

cammies on the floor said...

Love the quote from the book, how eloquently put to why I love this type of intimacy so much!

Anonymous said...

Connection? That would be like calling a Ferarri a "car".

I find that when your bodies are rubbing together, swapping sweat, and the passion grows, you're more than connected. Youre in a world whose sole population is you and your lover.

And after you have that full body orgasm that generates small earthquakes through every muscle in your body, and you collapse on the bed, heaving to catch your breath and struggling to remember your native language. You look at your lover and see the experience is mutual.

You lock eyes.

You transcend to another plane of existence.

Erica Jagger said...

Oh, this is so lovely and true. Thanks for writing this.

Erica Jagger said...

This is so lovely and true. Thanks for writing it.

Walker Thornton said...

Beautiful. Bearing witness, intimacy, trust--these do seem to be the most powerful elements in sex to me. Thank you.

in bed with married women said...

Cammie, yes, all her work is quite fantastic. totally recommend.
anon--i think you were having a bit of an erotica writing moment there, yes?
Erica, i think your work is quite lovely as well!
Walker, yes. but. i notice only the chicks, mostly, as the ones digging this. what do we make of this?

Trying said...

Reassuring that there are people out there.

So... how does and attachment-deprived, attachment desiring, not-5'11" (the median desired height stated by women's profiles in nearly every single dating site out there), middle aged guy (even less desired), achieve said attachment with an attachment desiring woman? It's petty damned hard [sorry couldn't help it; it was right there] to find women under such conditions.

Lilscorpiosweetie said...

It's that connection that makes it so much more. I have that connection with my lover and I don't want to lose that ever. I love this article. It completely speaks volumes!

ROBERT A SAIGER said...

I found that if you stimulate all 6 senses, thats right 6. Touch, taste, hearing, smell and visual. You can achieve an arousal in your partner. But if you stimulate their mind you will achieve the ultimate in sexual bliss.

in bed with married women said...

Trying, keep trying, I suppose. that's all there is, man.
Lilscorpiosweetie, i hope you never do. keep us in the loop.
Robert, can't argue w/ that.

julezyme said...

This reminds me why monogamy is not my bag ... wish my partner understood this.

Laci Raye said...

I am in love with this. A huge part of recovery and repair, be it "simply" emotional or from addiction, is trust. I almost forgot what that felt like. It's glorious.

Anonymous said...

Nice. Looking forward to spending the morning trying to find that clip.

Anonymous said...


I just shared this delightful and insightful post of yours with someone who will appreciate as much as I do. Thank you, Jill, for continuing to bless us with your wit and wisdom.

in bed with married women said...

julezyme,i wish that for you too. xoxo
ah dear laci, i am thinking you have some very interesting things going down in your future.
anonymous, fun looking at least.
anonymous the second, what a lovely thing to say! and thank you so much for sharing!

Virginia G said...

Speaking of connection and "flow," this article in the NYT on the "Art of Not Trying" very much reminded me of this post of yours: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/16/science/a-meditation-on-the-art-of-not-trying.html?ribbon-ad-idx=4&src=me&module=Ribbon&version=origin&region=Header&action=click&contentCollection=Most%20Emailed&pgtype=article

Deeper intimacy, communication without words, honest human connection, being in the moment, etc, etc, etc.

Searching for one of those moments where you know another person on a molecular level, and all of the bullshit trappings of being a human in this culture, in this place and time, fall away, and you're just left with...it. whateverthefuck "it" is.

Yogi said...

It is indeed for the connection that we engage sexually with each other. It's simply that.

It's also that KIND of connection, marked by the blood leaving one part of the body and moving towards another. It moves us into that silent place we cannot truly describe. It's the one time when my wife stops blinking her eyes so much--her mind becomes focused.

I LOVE nice chats in the bank line. The blood centers around my heart, and I feel connected, connected to the other conversant, and my eyes water with love. That lasts longer than an orgasm.

in bed with married women said...

Virginia G, this is but one reason why i love you so.

Yogi, same goes for you.

forkedprocess said...

What truth! I think this is totally why we fuck.

I think love is what happens when you both crave staying in that private space together, even when you're not fucking.

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