On Masturbation. And My Two, Possibly Three, Favorite Sex Toys.

Photo by Jimmy Detroit

"Your kisses are as wicked as an F-16/and you fuck like a volcano and you're everything to me," Liz Phair, Supernova.

Do you know the grand fuckery of which she speaks? The insane lust, the deep primal wanting, "Lips sweet and slippery/Like a cherub's bare wet ass." God, I do.

The thing is, most of the time I'm not there. And, given what you've been telling me lately, I think the same might be true for a lot of you.

If your sex life is such that masturbation is what's happening, and you'd like to fuck around (quite literally) with some new technology, I have a couple toy suggestions for you and that lonely bed of yours.

Why should you listen to me? Well, I'll tell you, smarty-pants.

--Between writing for Cosmo, AlterNet and this blog, I have had to put a fuck of a lot of whirring, sucking, vibrating things between my legs. Because that is MY JOB. Yes. God, or The Force or whatever, is good.

--Something about Malcolm Gladwell's theory of putting in 10,000 hours at anything to become an expert. 

Yes, my friends, I have been to the mountain top, sex toy-wise, and I've come back down, limping a little but full of Wisdom, to tell you my top two suggestions.

--If you are only buying one toy:

Oh darlin', I will rock your world.

The LELO Ora 3 The World's Most Sophisticated Oral Sex Simulator is expensive as hell but, damn, the thing is an excellent lay. It ministers to you via various vibration patterns and a little ball that makes lazy little circles or half-circles exactly where you want it to. You can just cycle though the patterns, and it feels like the best lover you ever had. I'm totally serious. It even seems to know exactly how long to pause before you completely lose it.

On the other hand, I looked at the Amazon reviews and some other people said it was weak, or unsuitable or whatever, so remember that everyone's body is different and just because I tell you to put something between your legs doesn't mean you'll like it as much as I did. (You should, however, DEFINITELY listen to my advice to never put that Sqweel whirlygig thing anywhere near your cooter. Trust me on this.

Man, that smarts.

(Further disclaimer: if you buy the Ora through this link, Amazon will give me like 2% or something. So if you buy like 28 million of them, I should be pretty good. Trickle down economics in action!)

--If you want to spring for 2 toys:

Allow me

I'd recommend the Womanizer, used in tandem with a g-spot vibrator (any will do, I use a Butterfly Bliss because I got it for free.) Between the gentle sort of suction motion of the Womanizer (maybe give it a different name in your head) and the low throbs of g-spot vibe on the inside, you will be a wreck, in the finest of ways.

(And yes, if you use the link to buy Das Womanizer and/or the Bliss, Good Vibrations will send me a 20% kickback, so you'd only need to buy about 3 million of them.)

Anyway, I'm not telling you this so you buy some merch, I'm saying it to sort of mark a shift in my head. Sex can be beautiful and scary and transcendent and super hot (or not.) And yes, of course it's preferable to have someone going mad for the way your boobs look when you unhook your bra, and being with someone brave enough dive into that Unknown with you, and just sort of bearing witness to whatever goes down. (Perhaps an agreeable Quaker, experienced in bearing witness, would be good here....though perhaps I'm not fully understanding the concept.)

However, even if it's just you, sans pervy Quaker, that sexual force is still there. And it seems hugely important to activate that power, whether by hand, sexy sucking toy thing or any non-Sqweel partner.

Henceforth, when loving the one I'm with is just...me, I am hereby ditching my previous habit of taking note of all the ways I am not sharing that experience (i.e. "Holy hell, they'd love to see this, hear this, feel this...") and getting all tragic about it. (For the record: Sobbing and coming at the same time is indeed dramatic and occasionally hot, but not that great as a Everyday Lifestyle Choice.)

Instead I'm going to revel in what does go down. It's still good. Sometimes damn good. And like jMadsen, but less naked, I will transfer that energy out into the damn world.

Huzzah, motherfuckers.

xoxo
jill


P.S. If you'd like to order a print of the Jimmy Detroit photo above, email him at JimmyDetroitx@gmail.com or contact him via  Facebook. Friend of the Blog, Great Guy! Plus real Art, highly affordable!

Misguided Googler Contest, Plus G-Spot Finding

As decreed on the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page, I'm compiling a list of reading materials referenced on the blog. Said materials (mentioned by me or readers) will include plain ol' smut to smarty-pants sciencey/sociological things to stuff that's funny. (And do let me know if you have any recommendations.)

Anyway the task is way more arduous than I was expecting and the kid I hired as IBWMW Minister of Arduous Tasks didn't show up for work today, so I'm gonna need more time.

To make up for my trail of broken promises (I swear, kid, we're gonna make it big someday!), I offer you this contest. Your task:

Match the Misguided Googler's search terms with the IBWMW post Google sent them to.

Search Terms (as spelled)
1.  "is it ok to fuck married women in ass"
2.  "why married women deire anal pleasure with vibrators"
3.  "picture ofpenise in vegina"
4.  "grateful old slags getting screwed" (IBWMW is the #3 choice for this, btw. Which is bittersweet.)
5.  "sex porno sperm from mouth to your vintage"

Google-suggested IBWMW landing page:
a. The Fuckiest Conest Around
b. The IBWMW home page
c. Spatula, I'm taking your ass down."
d. How Wanking It Created the Universe and Other Theories on Masturbation
e. Sorry, No Explicit Picture of Penis in Vagina

First one to correctly match the search terms with the landing page wins The Pop Tops Deluxe Silicon G-spotter from Good Vibrations. It's designed to go on top of the infamous Hitachi Magic Wand Massager  (you rest the flattened end pleasantly against your G-spot). So if you don't have a Hitachi Magic Wand, you're kinda out of luck--in many ways, or so I've heard. Lack of G-spot* could present a problem as well. (If you prefer, I can send you the huge-ass bag of 20 Lifestyles condoms Planned Parenthood recently gave me, clearly way way overestimating the amount of sex I would be having in the 7 days it would take my new IUD to become effective.)

You can answer in a comment below or via email. I'll announce the winner when someone gets it right.

xoxo
jill

*To get my mind off the suddenly very depressing fact that I didn't use the 20 condoms, and even perhaps even need to go back and demand more at once ("Only 20 for 7 days? Seriously?"), let me ask you this: Did you read any stories about that largely discredited "cosmetic gynecologist" (puke) who claims to have discovered the G-spot in the corpse of an 83 year old Polish woman? On one hand, I was happy that he described the spot as "grape-like" instead the usual "shaped like a bean" description since, as you recall, the bean is the least sexy of the legumes. (see also:  How to Have a G-Spot Orgasm).

But on the other hand, I couldn't help but wonder if that Polish woman was having that out-of-body death experience where her soul floats over her body. As she headed peacefully to the light, did she take one last glimpse back upon her earthly self and see this, this...guy, what? What the...? Was he sticking his fingers up her wang?!** What, after all these years?  Now? NOW, someone looks for her g-spot? And a handsome(ish) doctor, no less? "No, no, not ready yet! There is more I must do!" she yells wordlessly, as she glides, no longer so peacefully, toward the warm, glowing light.

** Actually it was a billion times less sexy than this. According the Miami Herald, he "peeled back the six layers of the cadaver's vaginal wall and found a sac structure between the fifth and sixth layers that housed grape-like clusters of erectile tissue." "Peeled!" Holy crap!

(photo: Anonyme - Nu aux bras levés, ca. 1930) 

New Contest, But I'm Going to Make You Work for It

Instead of waking up early and briskly typing out the lovely essay on science, crushes and obsession as I'd planned, I instead chose to hit the Motrin PM last night and watch multiple episodes of "Breaking Bad." I have not learned my lesson and would make the same decision again, but consequently, in place of the hard-hitting, life-changing reportage that you expect around here, I'm forced to offer you the (much less brain power required) gift of Earthly Pleasure.

To wit, this, the Pocket Rocket vibrator* from wholly delightful sex toy company, Good Vibrations:

You know you want me...

To win it, simply be the person to gather the MOST new fans to In Bed With Married Women by next Tuesday, Sept. 27. "Fans" can either be:

-- In Bed With Married Women Kindle subscribers

--Followers of the blog via Google Reader (see follow button in right column)

--People who "like" the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page 

--E-mail subscribers (see Feedburner form in right column)

--New Twitter followers (@Jill_Hamilton)

Bonus point opportunities!: 

--A shout out and link to In Bed With Married Women on your blog counts counts as five fans.

--A link to the blog or a particular post counts on your Facebook page counts as five fans.

--A FF or RT on Twitter counts as five fans. 

You can either have your recruitees tell me you sent them OR let me know how many you suckered in via comments below or an e-mail. Again, deadline is Tuesday.

* Disclosure:  I once owned one of these pocket rockets and it, combined with this ridiculous looking bunny sleeve thing, was so good, I actually had to throw it away. I loved it too much. It was also the inspiration for the post How to have a G-Spot Orgasm. So, what I'm saying is, well, the %$%& is good. Maybe too good.

Good luck...

[photo:  Undervannsakt (Slow Water) by Raymond Mosken, source]

How to Have a G-spot Orgasm, Plus A Contest

We've got lots to cover today so walk with me, will you?

It has come to my attention that some of you haven't had a G-spot orgasm and/or can't even find the damned thing. (Have you checked the sock drawer?) It's understandable -- there is still debate among the scientific community (generally identifiable in the wild by their distinctive "scientific community" t-shirts) over whether the G-spot even exists. But more on that later. The point is, if you want to have a G-spot orgasm (or "alleged" G-spot orgasm), you need to know how. Writes reader Harleyq:

Having never experienced a G-Spot "Big O," I find the idea titillating and am imagining the prospect of instant amazing "Big O's" every day quite exciting, beneficial to my co-workers and an improvement on my demeanor. 

Yes, we could all use an improvement on our demeanors, could we not? (A brief aside to men who wish to run screaming out of the room: Go. Go now. See also: Men Who Care About The G-Spot Are A Myth, Say Experts in the Daily Mash.)

Sooo....the G-spot. It's odd--for a body part that can elicit such pleasure, talk of the G-spot is often oddly unsexy. The G-spot doesn't have the sexual cache of say, a swelling bosom or a jutting erection. And it doesn't help that every account of the spot is seemingly required by law to mention that the spot is "shaped like a bean," not exactly the most sexual of legumes. (Which, of course, would be the pea. See also: Ed's identification of my excessive pea mentions in a "robo-sexual context").

If I were the G-spot's press agent--a job I would totally take--I would definitely do something about the dreary tone of most G-spot articles. Look at this snippet from Wikipedia's G-spot entry:

"The vaginal wall is, in fact, the clitoris," said O'Connell. "If you lift the skin off the vagina on the side walls, you get the bulbs of the clitoris – triangular, crescental masses of erectile tissue."

Lifting vagina skin? "Bulbs of the clitoris?" Um, are we still talking about sex here? This is erection-deflating language, to say the least. And I'm talking both penile erections and erections of the "triangular, crescental masses of the bulbs of the clitoris."

Now, if you will direct your attention to the overhead projector, you'll see the oversized female x-section showing the G-spot.

The G-spot is #4. Or is it #8? I kid, I'm pretty sure it's #4. In non-disembodied-halved-torso terms, it is on the upper part of the inside of your vag, about an inch or so back. If you were to stick your finger in there--oh, just friggin' do it, don't be such a pussy--you can locate it by pretending as though you were trying to stimulate what would be the back side of the clitoris. Which is exactly what some scientists theorize is going on with G-spot orgasms.

Scientists actually don't know much about what's happening with women and their sexual response, despite years of study (including Ernst Grafenberg's--the g in G-spot--1950s page-turner The Role of the Urethra in Female Orgasm, a work which Wikipedia, perhaps cheekily, describes as "seminal.") G-spot theories include: it's analogous to a female prostate, women only think they have one, or it might have something to do with the Skene's gland or perhaps the nerve-rich urethral sponge. (Note: do not use the urethral sponge for washing dishes.) To make matters more confusing, a few women emit some sort of ejaculate during G-spot orgasms and scientists don't even know what the hell it is.

Despite all this, G-spots rock the house. Women describe G-spot orgasms with words like "deeper," "stronger" and "more satisfying." These would be good adjectives, orgasm-wise.

Here's how to attain such satisfaction (aka imaginary satisfaction, probably due to the common female vexation of "hysteria.") Step one: Get yourself an insertable vibrator. (I suggest Good Vibrations because of all the bonus educational material they offer, plus whole the kickback thing.) Step two: Go to it. Step three: as you become more aroused*, direct the vibrator's attention to the upper, front part of the inside of your vag. Press hard. Step four: Keep at it until you experience transcendence, see nirvana, pulse with the Universe, etc... Step five: Go about your regularly scheduled day.

What is important with the G-spot to get the right tool, so to speak, for the job. In my post about testing the vibrator, The Post in Which I Whore Myself Out for a $22 Piece of Thermoplastic Rubber, I was too timid (yes, I know, so very lame) to write that the vibrations on that particular model were a little tepid for me. But lovely reader Tricia, who has major (metaphorical) balls, had no such qualms and commented:

I have one of those vibes and it does nothing for me. The vibration is too weak. Does GV have a 'strong as a jackhammer' section? That takes a car battery, perhaps?

Yes, in the words of the Diff'rent Strokes theme song "What might be right for you, may not be right for some." If you're unsure of the strength you require, GV has a chart of vibes that shows the intensity and volume relative to other choices.

And FINALLY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THE CONEST:  Our prize today is the Dreamy Mini-G Vibrator (pictured at left) which in the mid-range of intensity (3 of 5, one notch higher than the one I tested). To enter, recruit some sap to "like" the In Bed With Married Women's Facebook page, then come back here and tell me that you did it, either via a comment or email. I'll chose a winner according to the vagaries of my whims.

*Because of the way in which G-spot stimulation gets better and more effective as things progress, I could be talked into the Taoist belief (see also: The Three Types of Orgasms) which describes woman's sexual arousal as a series of three gates (clitoral, vaginal and cervical) that need to be entered in progression to ultimately reach "an ecstatic state of arousal." I cannot, however, be talked into the Taoist belief that eating lamb "produces excitable people with inordinately strong sexual desire."


photo source: http://wickedknickers.tumblr.com/post/925107020/marilyn-monroe-via-blueruins-retrodoll
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