Saturday, April 10, 2010

What's Your "Not Tonight" Signal?

Trailers for two recent movies both feature the silent "no sex tonight" signals that wives display for their husbands.

In "Date Night," it's the Wearing of the Mouth Guard:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSV4Y2l7JQg

In "Extract," it's the Donning of the Sweatpants:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzJI08YUNik

I love this idea of the non-verbal no-sex signals from an anthropological aspect. For example, an obscure spider in the rain forest might signal their lack of interest by biting the head off their would-be suitor.  But humans generally have to be a bit more subtle.  So I ask you, human reader: what's your no sex signal?

Since I'm asking you such a personal question, I'll go first. I have two: One is pointedly saying, "Wow! I am soooo tired tonight.  I just can't WAIT to be asleep!"  The other is feigned obtuseness--that is, pretending not to recognize any signals from a certain husband.  These signals are not acknowledged aloud.

That is, they weren't until I just now revealed my secret female tricks to the world--crap!  New secret signals needed--STAT! Dear reader, needing your imput immediately...

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

With my first wife, the unspoken "don't ask tonight" was putting on her acne cream at night, just before getting into bed (we were young).

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Mention of Aunt Flo's visit is always a deterrent. Funny, they never do catch on when she visits more than once a month.
Cheers,
Robyn

Argentum Vulgaris said...

I am curious about your choice of words... a certain husband; makes it sound as if you have two or even more.

On topic: my ex always used the headache, until I put aspirin in her top draw...

AV

Anonymous said...

I'd say that a big "don't bother asking" flag would be going through the pre-bedtime routine, but in an exaggerated way, as in, "Hey, look at me, I'm washing my face, putting on my most comfortable non-arousing nightgown, yawning loudly, and talking about how much I have to do in the morning!"

I've also found that wives sometimes like to linger a looooooong time in the bathroom, perhaps hoping that their husbands, waiting in bed, will either drift off to sleep or give up hope and switch on the TV.

Belinda said...

Tampon wrappers tossed in an obvious display across the top of the trash in the bathroom trash can. Very simple, straight-forward, no need for awkward words or bad acting on my part.

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Hey, saw you in the coffee shop and thought I'd pop by. Glad I did - this is very interesting.
Check out my dating disasters:
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

Anonymous said...

A tried and true "signal" around here is making any mention at all of my dear husband's mother. For example, as I'm climbing into bed- "Oh, sweetie- did I mention that your mom called today? She just wanted you to know she was thinking about you." Works like a charm..... ;)

Anonymous said...

On those nights that we happen to slip into bed at the same time, a simple sleepily mumbled "good night", perhaps with a dramatic yawn thrown in for good measure, seems to do the trick. If he happens to be wearing his special boxers and toting a couple of nightcaps, this doesn't work very well, I must say. If I know he is in the bedroom waiting for me I just take my time in the bathroom or get sidetracked on the computer until he falls asleep. Then I have to slip into bed very quietly. Of course if the cat sees that I am going to bed, he follows me and takes a running jump at the bed, waking my husband and making it necessary to use the first option . Now, if he gets ideas at 4:30 in the morning, waking me up out of a deep sleep by spooning with me and letting certain blood engorged areas of his anatomy poke at me like a gun from behind, I just look at the clock with bleary eyes and say, " do you know what time it is!??".

Anonymous said...

Oh man, guilty of all of the strategies written so far. for sure the "waiting in the bathroom until he is asleep" one and the "talking about his mother (or work, kids, stressful topic) and "aunt flo" yes! Didn't realize until I read this how many different tricks I use! Poor husband!

Kim said...

Tight fetal position with eyes squeezed shut while muttering, "don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me." :-)

Anonymous said...

well, since "not tonight" outnumbers "okay, but make it quick" by about 40 to 1, it's more apt to ask what signal we use for the latter. which in our case is simply her closing the door at bedtime.

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