Ever hear the song Don't Trust Me by 3Oh!3? It goes, "Shush, girl, shush your lips/Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips." Now, I'm sure Helen Keller was quite a foxy lady and all, but dude, mentioning Helen Keller in a song automatically makes it Bad Make-Out Music.
What makes for Bad Make-Out Music? It depends. Some songs are just plain upsetting. This includes songs like the music from Jeopardy! the Jonas Brothers catalog, anything performed by Alvin and the Chipmunks and The Hokey Pokey. Other cases are more complicated. Dueling Banjos is Bad Make-Out Music because it was in that one scene in "Deliverance."
Any song that involves the term "making love" (or, for that matter, "makin' love") is immediately on the list. Meaning, there shall be no playing of Roberta Flack's Feel Like Makin' Love nor any Bad Company's Feel Like Makin' Love. Songs that reference icky-sounding people having sex makes for Bad Make-Out Music. This includes 70's hits like the Starland Vocal Band's Afternoon Delight and Captain and Tennille's Do That To Me One More Time.
Most older TV theme songs are off-limits as well. The theme from "Friends"? Not good. The theme from "Sanford and Son"? Uh-uh. The song from "The Facts of Life"? No way, despite the not-irrelevant presence of George Clooney in later seasons.
Oh, there are plenty of elements that automatically make for Bad Make-Out Music. This includes any talk of the U.S of A., barking dogs as lead singers, tubas and/or bagpipes, and the entire genre of bluegrass. And while we're at it, we'd add all white supremacist music, songs titled "Lady" and music in which--at any point--the singer switches from singing to spoken word.
This knowledge did not come easily. I once had a U2/Smiths-loving beau and when he came over to my dorm room for some making out (aka "makin' out"), I put on a DeBarge cassette tape. Cue sound of: wah, wah-wah, wah. It was, to use the parlance of the time, a "totally gay" choice. The shame of it still burns.
And you? What's on your Bad Make-Out Music list? Did anyone ever put on Bad Make-Out music to make out with you? Or did you ever put on Bad Make-Out Music? Be honest, now, I told you about DeBarge. It's your turn. Comment below or drop us an e-mail.