|Actual purchase, approximation of purchaser|
I enjoy re-framing it as a private grassroots campaign to Take Down Corporate America. But really, I just like pennies.
But I also like that each purchase means someone took the time to drag their virtual ass all the way over to the blog to use the search button. There's love in that act, yes?
I don't get to see who places orders or who orders what--so I can't thank anyone specifically, unless you tell me and demand praise--but I can see what is ordered. I am trying to apply complex Psychological Purchase Analytics to the list, for purposes of exploiting the fuck out of the reader base, but I'm flummoxed. If anyone sees a pattern in here, let me know.
Anyway, here are my favorite things you ordered on Amazon this year:
Heady stuff, including: A book of Rilke poems, a chemistry textbook, One Hundred Years of Solitude, books on autism, zen, labor unions, the nature of love and desire, and international environmental law. Also some vampire smut, and lots of copies of Naomi Wolf's Vagina (The book, not her actual vagina. For actual vagina purchases, see #3.)
Maybe it's the lack of visible evidence of embarrassing reading choices, but the selection of ebooks ordered was...well, have a look for yourself: In Another Man's Bed, Ex on the Beach, Bound by Wolves (Impregnated by Wolves, Part 1), and the unappealing erotica of Taken and Milked (A Forced Lactation Fantasy--Milked by Master). (Hey Milky, you might also enjoy Escaping the Milking Machines: An Impregnation and Lactation Story which sounds just as...awesome.)
8. A 4-pack of anal plugs
The purple jelly variety.
7. This item, just because of its name.
Stunning 3D Red Blossom with Dazzling Pink and White Crystals All Over The Clear Plastic License Plate Frame
6. One comb.
5. The person who bought the book Changing Behavior: Immediately Transform Your Relationships with Easy-to-Learn, Proven Communication Skills
Because they bought it, then promptly returned it. "Fuck communication skills, I'm just gonna stick with the silent treatment."
4. One Friday the 13th Jason Axe Costume accessory
Not ordered anywhere near Halloween.
Two people bought the pair featured in Vagina. Panty. Vagina Panty! (one black, one nude), dropping $130 apiece.
However, one among you opted to save $60.01 and got the cheapo pair (below) which, dude, it's your fake vagina--that's important. Don't get the one that looks like a homemade cast.
So for any among you who were among the people who ordered one of the 323 items this year--especially the expensive ones like the chocolate protein powder, the Kindle Fires, the 4 copies of The Handbook of Dispute Resolution and the adult-sized Conan The Barbarian Costume--please know that while you sit there with four anal plugs up your butt, reading forced milking erotica in your newly cat pee odor-free home, I thank you from the bottom of my vaginal panties*
*The expensive kind.