Monday, August 22, 2016

Welcome "Sexually Aroused by Foam"!

I feel sorry for Google, I really do. Yes, Google is our current and future Mind-Control Overlord and all that, what with its frighteningly extensive and accurate knowledge of our secret desires and obsessions (see also: Web-Browser History A Chronicle Of Couple's Unspoken Desires in The Onion) and yet...

Well, sometimes I think we just ask too much of Google. I mean, judging by the search terms that land searchers confused and bleary-eyed here at In Bed With Married Women... I can see why Google sent them to me because, honestly, where the hell else should they go?

I mean, take the person who typed in vagina pad for camouflaging fat. Where would you send them?  What the hell do they even want? I think Google tries to meet everyone's needs, but sometimes it must throw its algorithmically-formulated hands into the air like, "Fuck it, I don't know that. Send them over to IBWMW."

Really, what is Google supposed to do with a query like: what toy can make my pussy fat? That is an UNANSWERABLE QUESTION. Google is not a zen master, it's a computer search engine. The answer, which Google is certainly too polite to say, is "Why the fuck do you want a toy that makes your pussy fat? A. It doesn't exist and B. That is stupid. Go away and don't come back around here until you find something reasonable to search for." This also goes for 2050 horse fuck women house as well send them home. Um....what? When Google got that particular query, it just backed away slowly and nudged them in my direction. "Here you go, this nice lady will take real good care of you."

And oh lord, the forbidden little fetishes and excessively specific sexual desires that Google gets to be/has to be privy to. I understand having a bit of a preference for something--I myself like me some big brown eyes--but maybe these folks could expand their horizons a wee bit more so they don't need to be seeing an old man taking a hand job to get off. C'mon, mix it up!  Try "Spanish men taking a hand job" or even just plain old "hand jobs." There's probably only so much porn featuring old men getting hand jobs and at some point you're going to tap it out. And then where will you be?  I'd offer the same (unasked for) advice to the searchers of: strawberry shortcake sex, women who crave big ball sacks, women wearing female condom porn, anal hair plug fake, my little pony sex, fake vagina string, charming tranny bear (as opposed to the uncharming ones who are just kind of dicks), girl using vagisil porn, old ladys who love to fuck animals and, my personal favorite, sexually aroused by foam.  As for the person who typed in free porn having sex with a cucumber hollowed out: Dude, the pay cucumber porn site is worth it--WAY hotter.

Sometimes I think Google just sends certain people to amuse me. I was strangely pleased by Give the images of Indian womans penis in vagina because it sounds like someone addressing a genie in a bottle. "Genie!" they command, clapping smartly. "Give the images of Indian womans penis in vagina!" And I was honored to see that IBWMW was the #8 choice for sex with stuffed animals, because it's always nice to be top-rated in something. (Note to self: Ask Marketing Director about new slogan: "Your #8 Choice in Sex with Stuffed Animals," plus product tie-ins?)  And I like that someone searched for mmm sex ass, though I can't really say why.

Sometimes I think Google is just messing with people. A shockingly high number of folks have earnestly typed in the phrase explicit pictures of penis in vagina only to be cruelly directed to my post entitled, Sorry, No Explicit Pictures of "Penis In Vagina". Ha ha, sucker.

And other times I think Google is messing with me. Sending matronly bosoms or pendulous breasts boring sex to me? Hey, thanks a lot, Google. And what were you thinking sending smut mouth married woman to me? Oh, wait, I get it. Right. I'll just let myself out.


image: Aladdin finds the Genie’s lamp in the magic garden. From Aladdin und die Wunderlampe (Aladdin and the Wonder Lamp), illustrated by Max Liebert, 1912. From Project Gutenberg public domain texts.

16 comments:

Annabelle said...

Buwahahaha

I want smut mouthed married women emblazed on everything that I own!

Tony Van Helsing said...

What about people turned on by shitting on ears?

Betty Fokker said...

LOL!!!

Harleyq said...

I have a friend that talks about using food during sex..... I am afraid to ask him more about this, but would love enlightenment (besides the obvoious)! *scratches head*

Cinderita said...

I have always wondered how to spell the word "algorithmically" and now thanks to you, I can stop wondering. lol

Always Home and Uncool said...

I just came here for the stimulating conversation. I swear.

jill hamilton said...

Annabelle--that, my friend, is a capital idea.

Tony Van Helsing--um, what about it?

Betty--you are possibly the only person in the world who does not anger me when you write LOL.

Harleyq--But you simply must ask! And report back to the rest of us!

Cinderita--Glad to be of service. It took me like 5 minutes to figure it out b/c i was certain there was a "y" in there somewhere.

Always Home--Of course you did, dear. Of course you did.

Can't keep anything to myself said...

Haha! Love it! Just when I thought your writing couldn't get any better/funnier...

The Simple Dude said...

Wow, lovin' this post.

And BTW, I should have mentioned this but on Stumble Upon I am TheSimpleDude written like that. All one word.

I'll have to add that into my next post pimping SU.

SD

TheSimpleDude.com

Newly Single in LA said...

But wait, what sex toy WILL make my pussy fat? ;)

NewlysingleinLA.wordpress.com

Katsidhe said...

I'm sorry. I'll be more careful with my searches next time.

jill hamilton said...

Can't Keep--You have made my day. Again.

Simple Dude-- I am nearly certain that I figured it out. Thanks for leading the way.

Newly Single--I don't know you but I'm certain your pussy is fat enough just the way it is.

Katsidhe--Girl, you do have a variety of interests.

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

I want to build an aviation device using nothing but some string and a midget, than google had damn well better tell me how! It's supposed to have everything.

sugar-free-thoughts.com said...

Why oh why have I been absent from your site for so long??? This was awesome. You truly do get the best of Google's helpful direction, don't you?

Mongo, At The Moment said...

Ah God; that's good. It's the Virtual - Intetubes version of all the chocolate I'd like to be eating.

I turned on a married woman friend to IBWMW recently. She hosts a monthly MW get-together, and they've played (so I am told) some 'Google Your Fantasy' games in the past -- I'm alerting her to this post; it'll resonate...

jill hamilton said...

Elliot--Hmm, are you sure you're spelling it correctly?

Sugar-free--thanks, it's comments like yours that make me not feel like chopping off my own fingers to stop me from writing a blog that makes no damn money.

Mongo--I like it. I wonder if these women google their real fantasies or ones they imagine to be more socially acceptable? or maybe they only have socially acceptable fantasies? you will have to give us the report!

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