Thursday, June 3, 2010

Sorry, No Explicit Pictures Of "Penis In Vagina"

In Bed With Married Women subscribes to a service that lists the most popular search terms people use to get to the site. But what I like better are the unpopular search terms. For some (probably unhealthy) reason, I enjoy picturing people being woefully disappointed when they find In Bed instead of what they were really looking for. Like the person who typed in the search terms "explicit pictures of penis in vagina" and found no such pictures, just some chick talking about weird sex toys and the like. I mean, they could not have been more specific about their Internet desire. Penis in vagina, dammit. Plain as day.

That's not as bad as whoever innocently typed in "footbag," but instead of finding some mellow hacky-sack tips, were transported onto the post about furries who like to play hacky-sack.  Ack! Delete! Delete!

Other unpopular search terms included: "hubby masturbate lovers cock," "can't stop thinking about married women," and "tighty-whiteys." I'm surprised that the person who typed in "fcuiiking married in red deer" came up with any results, let alone this one, and I'm guessing they were quite displeased. And who typed the weirdly clinical phrase: "naked female body parts"? I picture some dude in a foreign land with a shaky grasp of English looking for some porn, but armed only with the stilted phrases he's learned in his English language class, can only come up with "naked female body parts."

But the best one is "Japanese mom had something naughty on her mind free fuck video only." This has it all: the odd specificity, the nonsensical phrasing and the utter wrongness of their search results. I actually typed in "Japanese mom had something naughty on her mind free fuck video only" to see just how far this person had to go to get to In Bed With Married Women. I gave up at page 10 after being overwhelmed with the sheer number of weird-ass sites like "Old Grandma Hardcore." (A real site. Type it in if you don't believe me.) Eventually, Google--apparently feeling sorry for my lack of satisfaction in my search--helpfully suggested, "Did you mean to search for 'Japanese mom had something naughty in her mind free fuck video only'"?

I guess the lesson in all this is that, when searching, make sure you don't use an "on" when you mean "in."  Otherwise, instead of the free fuck naughty Japanese mom that you seek, you'll end up with Old Grandma Hardcore.*


*Several hours later:  This is beyond embarrassing to admit, but later in the day, I googled "old grandma hardcore." It was not at all what I was picturing, but instead a blog about a grandma who plays video games. If it's grandma sex you're looking for, I suggest the keywords "grandma porn." In the interest of good reporting (why the hell not?), I did just that, and I have to say, several pictures of naked, sex-having grannies later, I am quite sorry I did.

6 comments:

Cold As Heaven said...

That's OK. I know where to find that kind of pics if I want to >:)

Cold As Heaven

jill hamilton said...

Oh, Cold as Heaven, I didn't mean YOU. Even though you are indeed from a foreign land.

Anonymous said...

That is pretty hilarious. I have to ask, what do you use? Google Analytics?

jill hamilton said...

I use sitemeter.com. it's free and doesn't seem to be evil as far as i can tell.

Leila said...

haha this is so ironic. I was actually misled into coming here (i'm sure you have a lot of readers who started out that way). I saw your blog mentioned on another blogger's list of favorites, and your Blog Name was so sultry and compelling I HAD to look...

but yeah I feel bad for the dunce who meticulously (and incorrectly) searched for a horny Japanese woman.

Florida_Butch said...

HA! I'm glad that I wasn't tricked by Google into visiting your blog. I was lured here by one of your comments in Savage Love.

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