Wednesday, November 10, 2010

"Vagisil Porn"

Loretta, grab your steno pad! I have
 an idea that's gonna make us a mint!
(***Important Note to Readers: the following post does not contain any actual Vagisil porn.)

I promised myself I would not write about Misguided Googlers anymore. But yesterday I looked at In Bed With Married Women's search terms because, well, I just can't help it. It's such a voyeuristic thrill to see what weird-ass things people are searching for. A peak into the hidden soul of humanity, if you will. And it was so worth it because, I mean, look at the kind of stuff fresh-scrubbed Citizens of the World eagerly entered into the (supposed) privacy of their search boxes:

--"my vagina smells peppery"
--"it's your anus" (True, that.  And the name of a great new sitcom coming this fall on NBC.)
--"how to make your butt hole look nice" (Um, it's a butt hole...)
--"Grandma 7 vibrator" (The Grandma 6 vibrator wasn't properly grounded, I'm guessing.)
--"how meny kind of penice&vegena foto?" (Is this rhetorical? A zen koan?)
---"really bad noises in bed" (Actually, that one sounds kind of interesting.)
--"Captain and Tennille Twenty Years of Romance" (Oh, dear.)

But my personal favorite was: "how to make a Mangina." For those of you didn't see this post, a Mangina is a fake vagina g-string thing that a man wears to create the (very weak) illusion that he's sporting a vag. Which is fine. Whatever, if you want to wear one, go for it. But my advice to you is, if you're going to wear an Mangina, don't try to make one at home. For fuck's sake, spend the money and buy a real Mangina! I mean, coming upon someone wearing any Mangina would be upsetting enough, but someone wearing a flippin' pipe cleaner and construction paper homemade Mangina...? No, that will simply not do.

And finally, since I wrote this post on Vagisil, Google has taken to sending a bunch of Vagisil search traffic my way. I'm getting lots of "Vagisil ad offensive to women," "Vagisil doesn't work," blah blah blah, but I am particularly fond of this one, "Vagisil fuck yea". Vagisil. Fuck. Yea. It's like poetry.

Which leads us to the aforementioned "Vagisil porn," which, as my husband pointed out--far too gleefully, if you ask me--provides In Bed With Married Women as the top hit. This is because there is no actual Vagisil porn. None! Perhaps it's because Vagisil porn is not sexy. ("Oh yeah, you like that cloying floral fragrance my vag is emitting, don't you? Mmmmm, I think I need some more Vagisil... right... now... please... that's right... oh yeah...there.... yes, yes, yes, MAKE ME FEEL FRESH!!!!")  OR, it could be that Vagisil porn is a vast untapped market. I mean, there's that one eager customer already. Surely he's not the only Vagisil perv, I mean, Vagisil connoisseur. Is financial solvency knocking on your door in the form of an Internet connection, a digital camera and a big tube of Vagisil? Think about it. And you're welcome.

12 comments:

DanWins said...

Some of the Posts you come up with are just so "Where in Left field did that come from?" and sooooo funny.

Vagisil Porn - Who in their Right mind Thunk it? LOL

keep em coming (and no - NO PUN intended)

Danny

Asha said...

The Captain and Tenille one was me...I can't help it. They make my vag tingle. I should probably have that checked out. LOL
http://www.ashafullife.blogspot.com

Amy said...

Your writing is very good and helpful and far better than mine.

Kage said...

uh oh. i feel a new fetish coming on...

Anonymous said...

IBWMW fuck yea!

CkretsGalore said...

Well I hope that market stays un-tapped!

Nakedjaebird said...

Um, wow. Yeah. Vagisil porn...definitely not sexy. Not at all. Although, even with that in mind, I'm surprised there isn't some. There are a lot of things out there that surprise me.

DanWins said...

When you get a chance Stop bye my Blog to retrieve something for your site.

Thanks
Danny

jill hamilton said...

Dan, will do.
Asha, now that you told us, we all know how to hit on you. If one of us is playing "Captain and Tennille," you'll know we want you.
Kage, this just makes me love you more.
CkretsGalore and Nakedjaebird, we shall see if someone jumps on that particular market...
And Anonymous, fuck yea to your fuck yea.

Anonymous said...

jill hamilton. PLEASE. PLEASE. please renege on your promise to not write about misguided googlers. i avidly follow your blog and swear to you on all that is holy and unsexy that these are my very favoritest posts that you do, and also that are out there in general. i am rolling around with laughter about them every time and would be utterly empty without them.

also, you are amazing!!!!!

ex said...

Stays uptapped? eff that! why not? sounds intriguing to me =)
On another note, this may not be well received by some but I love that you are female and not British yet still have a hilariously dry comedic voice
postbreakup--ex.blogspot.com

jill hamilton said...

Ex, I checked out your blog--nice job, girl. And thanks for your kind words, though I always suspect when people say "dry" they mean "not funny."
And Anonymous, I think I should print your comment onto a little card to carry in case of a self-esteem crisis. "Crap! I just remembered I'm totally poor! Quick! Hand me my card!"

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