Wednesday, April 25, 2012

"Shocking (fine) details of a gentle vagina," aka the Misguided Googlers' Quarterly Report

A German variation on Pesäpallo 
In preparation for the IBWMW International Summit in Helsinki, in which we will discuss Important Matters over plates of Karelian pasty (karjalanpiirakka)--a traditional Finnish dish made from a thin rye crust with a filling of rice and topped with munavoi--I am creating a presentation tentatively titled Trends in Misguided Googlers®.

As we saw earlier this week, the IBWMW Ministers of Science, Grammar and Homographs are a prickly bunch (so far, thankfully, the Minister of Technology is staying neutral) so I want to make sure I don't unduly rile anyone up. Plus the stockholders are, well, let's just say they are beyond pissed off at the blog's financial statements.

There's a lot at stake and to be honest, I'm getting kind of wigged out. So mind if I run it by you first?

Good, then, here goes:

*Clanking of spoon on glass filled with Salmiakkikossu, a drink made by dissolving salty-licorice in strong spirits resulting in "an intense black liquid with a stingy smell that tastes like old fashioned cough syrup." I will only pretend to drink said "stingy" drink in order to appear polite to our Finnish liaison, Jaakko.*

"Assembled IBWMW Ministers, welcome. My remarks will be brief today as I have been advised of the Minister of Science's afternoon session of Pesäpallo, the national sport of Finland, which is a baseball-like game similar to brännboll, rounders, and lapta.

I've been reviewing the list of search terms used by Misguided Googlers®. My findings may interest you. Besides the usual items, your penices and veginas,  the seemingly endless variety of endings to the phrase married women like to fuck..., and the multitude of boob descriptions (i.e. matronly, sagging, pointy, perky, juttingdisappointing), I've identified several less obvious trends. I say we exploit the fuck out of  find ways to serve these underserved markets. Perhaps we can direct our outreach efforts to the following users:

1.  People with passion: These are the Googlers that don't just drearily type in their search terms, they infuse them with passion! This expressive group dynamically searches for things like sex in bed yeah ass and titys, ooooh, vibrating cock ring oh yeah, oh little dick, and wow! boys wanking. These on-the-go, high-achievers are a natural market for Kindle subscriptions to IBWMW.

2. People who treat Google as genie/slave: This practical group says--nay, demands--exactly what they need. Their on-point, direct searches include: Let's see some older women getting fucking and I need to see women being fucked with gridle on. (A sidenote: I'm pretty sure that last searcher meant "girdle," but I have our Finnish intern Kyllikki researching that to make sure.) This demanding group knows what it wants. They want service and they want it fast. I recommend we push the Good Vibrations merch on them, hard.

3.  Needs more research: Despite international cooperation, no one can decipher what these potential customers actually want. Terms include: miraculous bra groping me, on March 8 big boobs and penis on the cult, and anus looking. Oh, there's a change on your handouts: Kyllikki has just informed me that her research indicates that pictures of sewiest womens pussy may contain a typo.

4. Way too fucking specific. Butt shot with pink panties in a bed with a white headboard, a horse with no name fucks women, floppy foreskin, feather duster in the butt, stuffed animal teddy bear bondage, girl masturbating with a spatula, woman masturbating with candy, woman touching balloons, nice cow looking tits on a woman, and finally underwear with inflatable pads and genital enhancements and hidden pickets and hidden pouches and patents. I think we can appeal to this demographic directly. When I get back to the States, I will prepare posts on anonymous horse sex, nice cow looking tits, and whatever the fuck that wordy underwear weirdo is talking about. We'll appeal to them in their "sweet spots"--then bam!--make the sale.

5.  Easily pleased. Searches include: Boobage, good vagina, and porn regular. These simple folk don't need flippin' pink panties and white headboards, they're perfectly happy with 1 pic of penis in vagina. Let's hit these folks up for a straight donation. They are cheery, angst-free folks who are happy to contribute.

6.  Way too upsetting. Hansel and Gretel + naked, yak and woman fuking (so far no interest indicated for yak and woman macking lov) and smelling Grandma's vagina. Here we run into legal as well as aesthetic ramifications. I say we leave these folks alone.

7. Oddly poetic/Things I wish I had posted about: fascinating boobs, a smart and fabulous fucking experience, and my very favorite, shocking (fine) details of a gentle vagina.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going for my afternoon sauna to contemplate precisely how handy one would have to be to come up with a DIY homemade inflatable sex doll that wasn't completely and wretchedly unfuckable."

xoxoxo and Näkemiin

photo source


Naked Girl in a Dress said...

This is hilarious! I get endless interesting comments for Naked Girl in a Dress. My favorite: "nekkid" and "gurl." It makes me sad really that people can't spell.

I get weird searches like "naked girl licking armpit."

Loved this post!

Naked Girl in a Dress said...

I am tired...not comments. SEARCHES!!

Gia said...

Hahaha nice. I love that someone searched Boobage. Not Boobs, but Boobage.

Zannie Q. said...

Misguided Googlers never fail to amuse and provoke deep musings on the nature of the human search for satisfaction. Also, I call dibs on the title "A smart and fabulous fucking experience".

in bed with married women said...

results: due to that person, IBWMW is now the number one hit for "a smart and fabulous fucking experience."

I'd better up my game around here.

NJames said...

IBWMW Minister of Homographs jokingly says, "We've upped our game, so up yours!"

Mongo, At The Moment said...

... Sorry; I got brained by a Pesäpallo ball and couldn't get here in time to hear the Mission and Vision Statements. Also, doing shots of Salmiakkikossu -- though I'm not completely sure this is a bad thing.

By the way, "A smart and fabulous fucking experience" in Finnish is Fiksu ja upea vitun kokemus, mutta sinun täytyy tuoda omat Herring.

And, I understand IKEA now carries some inflatable surprises. Just ask to see the 'Restricted' section.

The IBWMW Minister of Grammar said...

I concur.

However the typos contained within those search items have made my eyes and brain bleed.

in bed with married women said...

NJames--Just a head's up: the positions of Minister of Homonyms and Homophones have yet to be filled so there might extra work for the Minister of Homographs.

Mongo--I have missed your dog humor and amazing grasp of Finnish. You're a good boy! Yes you are!

Minister of Grammar--Oh dear, stay away from today's post. An "ofpenise" and a "vegina" lurks therein.