Alexa ranking. Alexa rankings, for the non-nerds among you, tell you how popular your blog is, what keywords are working for you, and whatnot. Checking your Alexa ranking is a somewhat masturbatory activity in that it's a self-involved and vaguely shameful way to spend one's time, but unlike actual masturbation, it doesn't necessarily end well.
What I love about Alexa is that it presents the largely obscene In Bed With Married Women data in such a serious, business-like fashion. Alexa seems to think I am transmitting their data directly to In Bed With Married Women World Headquarters, where crisply efficient workers enter it via punch cards into a room-sized computer. There are lots of numbers bandied about, and talk of percentages and "high impact search queries." Thus, Alexa informs me gravely, the search query "yes I have done a mangina" has suffered a 1.32% decline. On the plus side, "vajazzling porn," "fuckable women," and "anatomically correct fur suit" are all climbing the charts. Perhaps I will present this information at the Board Meeting on Monday.
Actually, I'm not sure how accurate Alexa really is because it lists one of top search queries for the month as "is your anus stained by poo". Now, I am willing to accept that one person, maybe even up to three people, used that search term to find me--but come on!--I get thousands of visitors to this site, many of them through search terms. I refuse to accept that "is your anus stained by poo" is one of my top draws. I simply won't have it.
I am much more willing to believe the data that comes from Google Analytics. Over there "In Bed With Married Women" is the top search query, as it cussing well should be, and the top ten are all non-embarrassing variations of that. (Well, except for #5 "how to bleach your anus at home" which I will choose to ignore.) Way, way down the list are the usual what-the-hell-people-seriously-Google-this? kinds of queries I so enjoy such as, "alien dildoing self," "deflated boobs porn," (hey, watch it, buddy!) "bad sounds from women," and, oddly, "our forefathers" (Whoops! Wrong page!).
I am especially fond of the query "red-head-perfect-shapped-body-in-bed-with-nice-ass-tags-skin-hair-foot-feet-small-ass" for its excessive specificity ("I distinctly typed in that my perfect 'shapped' redhead should have skin! This redhead is not only skinless, but clearly has a medium--not small--ass!") But my favorite of the week was "free and no signing up for videos of women fucking their dogs." I think this searcher has been burned before. "I want to see women fucking their dogs, but no way am I paying. And NO sign ups! That's how they get ya!" I emailed this breaking dog fucking news to my friend who responded--and this is why I love him so: "You gotta pay, otherwise you just get short, lo-rez vids and the dogs are always ugly. Plus, when you pay, they always throw in a couple of horses, too." Totally. Besides, those free dog fucking videos always just jump straight into the action. Maybe it's because I'm a girl or something, but I need some back story. Tell me a little bit more--WHY are the females fucking their dogs? Is it angry sex? Make-up sex? Is the cat watching?
But for now, I need to run over to Headquarters to get our numbers guys on some data analysis. After all, you don't get to be the Alexa 3,513,232th most visited web site in the world (yeah, that's right, baby) without some good business sense. And lots of talk about aliens dildoing themselves.
(photo source: http://wickedknickers.tumblr.com)