Monday, January 10, 2011

We're Number 3,513,232! Suck it, Number 3,513,233!

Instead of doing any number of the productive tasks lurking annoyingly on my to-do list, I just spent the better part of an hour studying my Alexa ranking. Alexa rankings, for the non-nerds among you, tell you how popular your blog is, what keywords are working for you, and whatnot. Checking your Alexa ranking is a somewhat masturbatory activity in that it's a self-involved and vaguely shameful way to spend one's time, but unlike actual masturbation, it doesn't necessarily end well.

What I love about Alexa is that it presents the largely obscene In Bed With Married Women data in such a serious, business-like fashion. Alexa seems to think I am transmitting their data directly to In Bed With Married Women World Headquarters, where crisply efficient workers enter it via punch cards into a room-sized computer. There are lots of numbers bandied about, and talk of percentages and "high impact search queries." Thus, Alexa informs me gravely, the search query "yes I have done a mangina" has suffered a 1.32% decline. On the plus side, "vajazzling porn," "fuckable women," and "anatomically correct fur suit" are all climbing the charts. Perhaps I will present this information at the Board Meeting on Monday.

Actually, I'm not sure how accurate Alexa really is because it lists one of top search queries for the month as "is your anus stained by poo". Now, I am willing to accept that one person, maybe even up to three people, used that search term to find me--but come on!--I get thousands of visitors to this site, many of them through search terms. I refuse to accept that "is your anus stained by poo" is one of my top draws. I simply won't have it.

I am much more willing to believe the data that comes from Google Analytics. Over there "In Bed With Married Women" is the top search query, as it cussing well should be, and the top ten are all non-embarrassing variations of that. (Well, except for #5 "how to bleach your anus at home" which I will choose to ignore.) Way, way down the list are the usual what-the-hell-people-seriously-Google-this? kinds of queries I so enjoy such as, "alien dildoing self," "deflated boobs porn," (hey, watch it, buddy!) "bad sounds from women," and, oddly, "our forefathers" (Whoops! Wrong page!).

I am especially fond of the query "red-head-perfect-shapped-body-in-bed-with-nice-ass-tags-skin-hair-foot-feet-small-ass" for its excessive specificity ("I distinctly typed in that my perfect 'shapped' redhead should have skin! This redhead is not only skinless, but clearly has a medium--not small--ass!") But my favorite of the week was "free and no signing up for videos of women fucking their dogs." I think this searcher has been burned before. "I want to see women fucking their dogs, but no way am I paying. And NO sign ups! That's how they get ya!" I emailed this breaking dog fucking news to my friend who responded--and this is why I love him so: "You gotta pay, otherwise you just get short, lo-rez vids and the dogs are always ugly. Plus, when you pay, they always throw in a couple of horses, too." Totally. Besides, those free dog fucking videos always just jump straight into the action. Maybe it's because I'm a girl or something, but I need some back story. Tell me a little bit more--WHY are the females fucking their dogs? Is it angry sex? Make-up sex? Is the cat watching?

But for now, I need to run over to Headquarters to get our numbers guys on some data analysis. After all, you don't get to be the Alexa 3,513,232th most visited web site in the world (yeah, that's right, baby) without some good business sense. And lots of talk about aliens dildoing themselves.

(photo source:


Unknown said...

Oh, gotta tell me where I can masturbate with my Alexa info!

The Google search info is comedy enough - I'm a bit fearful to see what Alexa might have to tell me. :)

DanWins said...

Gotta Love "Alexa" --- I actually used a "snip-it" shot from Alexa the other day in my blog showing how high up in ranking a site is that just Collects Post and links to the sites.

Amazing a Link Farm collects more traffic than real people doing real Blogging on their own.

Hell, Alexa hasn't even updated my Info on my Blog in at least 5 months -- I know there are 7 different Keyword combos that (for Me) flooded (about 400-500 additional visits) my site from Nov. and Dec. and they aren't even showing up.

Know what the Kicker is - Alexa is Associated with Google so you would think they had access to all of that info.

And your site should be much Higher ranked -- You have much more "Interesting" Word combinations for search engines. LOL

Didn't get to tell you but Hope you have a Good New Year and your site Prospers.

and I still need to tell you about the Prize package I won.

You will have to remind me about that one of these days.

Anything at Anytime

Annah said...

Just learned about Alexa the other day and I have to say... it really depresses me.

The Barreness said...

I spend quite enough time navel gazing, I think, to bother with such things as Alexa. (But only when the Spaniard instigates his infamous "conquistador" position. *shiver*)

Furthermore, how did you think I found you, my love?

I was awful concerned about the poo stains...

- B x

Jill Hamilton said...

Tricia, just go to Google search terms is waay funnier though.
Dan, yes I think they're a bunch of drunkards over at Alexa feeding us bad data. And i will like to hear about your prize.
Annah, much worse is a ranking page I saw that gave you between a 0 and ten for how well-connected your site was. I got a 0. But you should care not, and just bask in your recent media coverage.
And dear B, it doesn't even sound right to hear you use the term "poo," surely you call it something much more glamourous in your foreign land.

Joe said...

I'm two million places behind you.

Johnson said...

Ha. I use statcounter to obsessively track my traffic and it is really amazing all the weirdness that brings people to my blog. I once posted about women and whether or not they think farts are funny. Since then, I have at least a handful of people every day who land on my site from having googled all manner of "woman farts in mans face" "Brazil woman face fart" "old woman farting." It's funny; in a scary way.

Jill Hamilton said...

Ah, Joe, well, I'm sure some lady wrote writes about her cat is like a million places above the both of us. Stupid Alexa.
Johnson--"Brazil woman face fart." What a pain for the person who googled that to have such a specific fetish. They can't just have "woman face fart." No for them, it has to be "Brazilian woman face fart."
Candycam--you inspired me to also google "is your anus stained by poo" and i'm (thankfully) only in the top 5 or 6. for some reason i was happy not to be in the top 3.