Tuesday, March 25, 2014

"I saw this and thought of you."

Whenever someone tells me, "I saw this and thought of you," it's never about helping orphans or something--I don't know--reputable. No, it's always about some weird-ass horse fetish gear or a big honking dildo or something. Or, like this letter today, a big honking wooden dildo.

Writes dear reader Tara, who cheekly titled her email "Family Wood":

So, I saw a story on "Paul Merton in Europe" last night on Discovery World HD & thought of you. [editor's note: SEE!!!] The story was about the Trury family in Germany & they make wooden sex toys. As a family. The mother & daughter literally sit across the table from each other sanding, staining & varnishing dildos. It was fascinating & I had to share! Hopefully you can snag a clip somewhere on the internets. I didn't have any luck. Below is an excerpt from the episode description:

"For his last German experience, Paul journeys south to the picturesque woods that inspired the Brothers Grimm fairy tales. Here he meets the Trury family. While making ornamental mushrooms in his woodwork shop, father Elmar noticed he had created what looked more like a dildo. Thus began a unique family business making wooden sex toys. While Elmar looks after production, eldest son Stefan runs the website and matriarch Maria handles the varnishing."

Here is an article http://www.thelocal.de/society/20080305-10507.html and their website http://www.waldmichlsholdi.de/index.php/

Love your blog!
Tara, who will never look at a spruce the same way again.

I didn't find any video, but I quite enjoyed their web site, if only for this picture of the mom, Maria. She doesn't look horribly pleased about Elmar's mushroom/dildo epiphany, although perhaps I'm reading too much into it.

I like to picture that moment when Elmar picked up the carved ornamental mushroom and announced to Maria, "Hey...you know what this looks like?" (Credit where credit is due: Pretty much everyone in the entire history of time who's seen a mushroom thinks, "Hmmm, looks like a penis," but Elmar is the rare person who actually Did Something About It.)

Maria, who knows how Elmar is, frantically searches her brain looking for some sort of non-penis answer, but comes up with nothing. Maria briefly wonders if she, Elmar, and the ornamental mushroom have an intimate encounter in their future and is undecided whether she is pleased or not at the prospect.

I'm guessing something went down with the couple and that particularly fetching mushroom, because you don't just unleash a sex toy on the public without some product testing. And in light of that, I am re-looking at the picture of Maria and have just decided that she's not, in fact, making the face of a long-suffering spouse, but rather has a little bit of a sly smirk happening. Like, "I am going to fuck the shit out of this bad boy once you photographers are gone." The excessively long wooden dildo (damn, girl!) she is polishing so carefully is, I'm guessing, Just For Mama.

Anyway, besides the worries you're probably having about such a big-ass dildo and Maria's delicate internal organs, you're also probably wondering about splinters. Fear not, the family uses a special non-toxic coating and non-splintering spruce wood. (There is no truth to the rumor, which I am starting right now, about Elmar's first wife Inga and a horrible accident with an unstable knotty pine prototype.)

Actually, I love this whole thing. The DIY-ness, the groovy Euro-family living in their rustic cottage (which I am picturing being inside a hollow tree like the Keebler Elves or Berenstain Bears), and the German product names like Barenzunge "tongue of a bear" or Einhorn "unicorn." I even love the delightfully translated web page with such proclamations as, "Wooden toy are feeling warm and lovely."  

I grew up in an open-minded liberal family in the 1970s. I can't imagine a more appropriate homage to that era than expressing my sexually open, eco-friendly, handcrafted, shop local, one planet-lovin' values than making love to a beautiful wooden dildo named after a fucking...UNICORN.  It could only be more perfect if I were also wearing homemade macrame panties while simultaneously reciting Love Is... comics. In Esperanto

And if you're still back on the splinter idea, remember than no sex toy is 100% safe. Or at least not according to this totally gross article, Women Sues Over Wild Vibrator Ride That Sent Her to Hospital, sent in by reader Wendy, who saw it, and *sigh* thought of me.


p.s. re-running this because the last post had weird floating text about a "non-descipt entry hole" hovering eerily over the post. Although if I were to be haunted, I suppose that's how it would go down.

--Let me know if you're having trouble (or not) with IBWMW Kindle subscriptions.
--My newest Cosmo piece The 5 Most Mind-Boggling DIY Sex Toys is up. It spent some time in the Top 10 of Cosmo's most-read articles but has since been cruelly edged out by "Why You Need a 2-Piece Dress."

Monday, March 24, 2014

The Mysterious Case of the Talking Onahole

Nothing to do with the post but kinda hot.
I am bitterly disappointed to report that the mystery of what the Onahole says remains:


This, despite entrants coming in via e-mail, comments, Facebook, and Twitter, including one entry from a dude who calls himself an Onahole reviewer.

There were plenty of guesses, not one of them remotely plausible. Although since I remain sadly ignorant of the true sentiments of the Onahole, maybe they were exactly right.  My favorites were:

"Now more orifice-like!" from Bill.
"Otaku? Easy to hide from mom!" from Spiffy.
"Now in original and extra-crispy!" from...actually I just made that one up.

But not one among you bothered to learn how to read enough Japanese to tell me what--dear god, what?--this Onahole wants me to know.

I have secrets I shall not share
That this plasticized Essence of Womanhood remains essentially unknowable seems metaphoric and this would certainly be the spot for something deep but thoughtful, but we'll need to plunge ahead without art and meaning and make our rudderless, unexamined way to the next thing, that is:
The winners of the "What Does The Onahole Say?" Contest!

The very prompt Christina wins the delightfully throbby vibrator the MiMi Rechargeable courtesy of Good Vibrations, the very first sex-positive sex toy store in the country. Which is why we love 'em. Also because the MiMi costs $89 bucks and I love to give away FABULOUS PRIZES. Note: whenever I write "fabulous prizes," I am typing it to be read as "FABulous Prizes!" like an old game show host, so read it like that, if you will.

Looks kind of like Eva from WALL-E, but you mustn't think of that.
And the enjoyably persistent and brave Fitzlurker wins the Fleshlight Flight. (Thanks again, Good Vibes!)

That?  That is, uh, my clarinet
Fitz and Christina, send in your addresses and your fuckable mail will soon be at your door.

Ok then.


Sunday, March 16, 2014

What Does the Onahole Say? New Contest! Win an Object to Have Sex With! (Or Make Love To--Up to You...)

Today's contest has not one, but TWO, fabulous prizes. Yes, two sex toys--both the really good, expensive kind with the highly desirable asset of Not Looking Like Creepy Disembodied Genitalia. There's one for each gender but if you're not into gender, go for whichever one you want.

MiMi Vibe: We might be sex toys. Or...we might be spying on you.
Prize #1, for women or persons of womanness: The MiMi Rechargeable Waterproof Vibrator, courtesy of our sex toy sugar mamas at Good Vibrations*, who sold me with the phrase "five vibration settings and pulsation patterns, ranging from slow and thuddy to fast and strong." It's also rated intensity 4, which... well, the scale only goes to 5, so expect some really righteous thuddy pulsations.
Prize #2, for guys or male-identified or friends of the penis:  A Fleshlight Flight Masturbation Sleeve (also from Good Vibes) which gave me a tiny touch of penis envy when I read this:

Inside, the non-descript entry hole and exclusive texture of the removable SuperSkin sleeve includes ridges, nubs and rings alternating from narrow to wider to offer a variety of sensations and cleans easily with warm water. The redesigned click and pop cap allows for easier access to the inner workings of the Flight, while threaded base adjusts the amount of suction felt on the back stroke– simply twist to adjust until the desired level is reached! Sleek, discreet and innovative, the Fleshlight Flight is the next generation of sensual stimulation.
Fleshlight: Please, please, fuck my "non-descript entry hole"

Adjustable suction--that sounds good, doesn't it? I would totally stick my at-this-point wholly imaginary dick in there. And "non-descript entry hole," while not the sexiest language in the world, at least implies that you won't be getting one of those excessively realistic looking Vulvas in a Stick (less popular sister store to Hot Dog on a Stick). And speaking of disembodied vaginas, as we often are, brings us right to your challenge:

Three ways to enter:
1.  Tell me what you think the Onahole (below) is saying. (For backstory, see post: Things People Have Sex With That Aren't Other People--Japanese Edition)
"Your message here"

Soar to new heights of personal pleasure with Fleshlight Flight Masturbation Sleeve. Sporting a high-tech, more compact design, this reusable masturbator features a tapering outer case for easier handling and a textured surface that adds an element of artistry. Inside, the non-descript entry hole and exclusive texture of the removable SuperSkin sleeve includes ridges, nubs and rings alternating from narrow to wider to offer a variety of sensations and cleans easily with warm water. The redesigned click and pop cap allows for easier access to the inner workings of the Flight, while threaded base adjusts the amount of suction felt on the back stroke– simply twist to adjust until the desired level is reached! Sleek, discreet and innovative, the Fleshlight Flight is the next generation of sensual stimulation. - See more at: http://www.goodvibes.com/display_product.jhtml?id=16CB19&lref=Cat_catalog70002_cat33835__1#sthash.ihdAlM5J.dpuf
2. Tell me what you know the Onahole is saying because you read Japanese and can put me out of my misery of non-knowingness. I'm pretty sure this Onahole has answers for me of an Important Nature that only you can tell me.

3. Ignore the poor, voiceless Onahole but make up for it by doing the blog a favor. Buy or gift an IBWMW Kindle subscription. Share or retweet this contest. Share a favorite post or the blog in general. Follow or have a friend follow on Twitter, on Google + or like/share the IBWMW Facebook page.

Send in your answers or PR efforts below in a comment, an email to jillhamilton001@gmail.com or fill out the comment form in the right margin. (Don't forget to tell me if you want the Mimi or the Fleshlight.) Good luck!

Winners will be announced Monday, March 24.


P.S. Some extra blog business for the very very dedicated. (Note: contains whining/Las notas: contienen lloriqueo) Run away! Run away!

1.  If you follow the IBWMW Facebook page, you are aware that FB is being a total asshat and will not show my (or any other) page in our fans' feeds unless we pony up some money to "boost" the posts. That means that even though our page has over 1200 "likes"--that is, people who already specifically indicated they wanted to hear from the page--Facebook will generally only show any given post to about 30 of them. Which blows. Some people see every damn post and some haven't seen one in months and have to click over to check themselves (which is a total pain--but dear god, they do it anyway!)  With the help of a ton of you (thank you!) on the page, we've tried to figure out what wacked out algorithm FB is relying on, but have only discovered that: A. FB hates links. B. FB likes it when people engage with a post by liking, sharing, and commenting on it. So do that.

And I'm not proud of this, but I finally paid $5 to "boost" a post to see what would happen. Unfortunately, the post involved the talking Onahole which apparently "violates Facebook's ad guidelines." Because they are obviously racist against Japanese sex toys.

So I am going to try to wean myself from Facebook's highly tempting teat. For now, I guess the best way to keep up with new posts is to check back here on your own, follow via Twitter or Google+ , get the blog emailed to you (link at right) or buy a Kindle subscription, except that....well, there's this:

2.  The IBWMW Minister of Science reports that upon trying to reinstate her Kindle subscription, she got the message that the blog was "not currently available for purchase." This might, I reasoned, though not being a Minister of Science myself, hold a clue to the sudden 40% drop in subscriptions. I contacted Amazon and they solved the problem by claiming it was available. Meanwhile:

I read that as "not currently available for purchase"
*Sigh* I'm working on fixing it as we speak. Let me know if it's working or not for you. In the meantime, you are welcome to bitch into the void.

However I discovered that if you do an Amazon search for In Bed With Married Women on your phone, it doesn't come up until the second page, way after various non-In Bed With Married Women titled items, including The Best of Barbara Mandrell (on friggin' cassette!) and the Saint Rita Casket ($3,495.00)

*Full disclosure. Good Vibes kicks back donates 20% of all purchases made through the blog back to the blog. Plus they give us sex toys, so they are in good with me. Unlike Amazon and Facebook. Grr...

Friday, March 7, 2014

Things People Have Sex With That Aren't Other People--Japanese Edition

Don't look at the side of the box. Really.
While the rest of the us are still primitively having sex with our toothbrushes, Buzz Lightyear dolls and slutty slutty pool noodles, sex toy scientists in Japan are hard at work (er...) figuring out the very latest in gadgets we can put on, up or over our sexual regions.*

So that you won't be the Goofus stuck in the corner having sex with a dumb ol' hollowed out cucumber while the Gallants are modernistically experiencing perfect mechanically-calibrated orgasms with futuristic machines, here's what's happening overseas:

1.  The Onahole

Yes, we have our fleshlights and whatnot (including this shower mounted model--go us!), but Japan has really dipped deeply into (yes, that's how it's going down today. sorry) the art of the onahole, which I think is Japanese for "vaginiaey stuff in a cup that you can fuck." Kind of like Cup O' Noodles, but with vagina. Japan has perfected the art of self-expression via onacup.  The Tenga Flip Holefor example, is white and sleek like something that should connect wirelessly to your iPhone.  According to the Amazon description, it "lets you blanket yourself in the gently bliss of delicate internal details!"  It also comes with three lotions, mild, wild and real (?) which, awesomely, are called Hole Lotion.
I told you.
For those who want some back story with their wank toy, there are holes featuring brides, virgins (hymen included) and even an "Unpopulated Island Survival" version with three different holes. There's "starter hole" for onahole first-timers, featuring the semi-depressing ad copy "a huge step forward for your single sex life" and a Fellatio Hole with...dear God...something called "Saliva Lotion."

What's strange about these is that, for some reason, they are sold as parody products "only" and all have the following note for anyone who mistakes a masturbation device as being for, you know, masturbation:

NOTE: This is a new novelty onahole from Japan for stress relief. It is intended for use as a joke gift item only.

But then they contain extensive way-too-detailed-for-a-joke specifications as well as semi-horrifying renderings as this:


If you know Japanese, please PLEASE tell me what these little blurbs say! Although I am actually more curious about the contents of the speech bubble in the photo below:

What does the Onahole say?

2. Extreme Onahole
I am uncomfortable with the amount of wires here

The A10 Cyclone "has a series of brushes that rotate back and forth over the item in question. Think of it as a shoe cleaner for you weenus," wrote John Biggs in TechCrunch, who called the Cyclone "overwhelming" and, less importantly, called his cock a "weenus." The Cyclone sounds pretty hardcore, like the boy equivalent to the jackhammer intensity of the Magic Wand, so use caution putting anything in there, including one's weenus. Although you would of course never do that, because these--even the top-of-the-line $150 A10 Piston-- are also *wink* only a joke gift.

3. Love Doll Brothels

Finally, if you need not just the three holes, but a whole fake body to fuck, there are brothels in Japan offering the company of love dolls. It's disease- and sex trafficking-free which is good. But when I saw this photo:

Awkward silence. Permanently.
I became concerned about, of all things, their sound system. Not only would it have to cover up the sound of dudes grunting away over their ladies, but also mask the unsettling silence of the dolls, sitting there like eerily mute mannequins/cadavers/something-else-creepy.

I also became oddly riveted by this video in which three guys from VICE visit a low-end brothel and schtup the dolls.  I'm not entirely sure if I was offended or entertained. It was fascinating to see this sort of vérité version of a brothel visit. The dolls are poorly made (new hole for each customer, if you were wondering), the guys find it difficult to get hard and can't figure out a comfortable doll coitus position. At one point, a doll's head falls off.

The VICE editor is kind of a douche, and picks a way young-looking schoolgirl doll. (V. popular, btw). On one hand it's creepy as fuck that everyone wants to have sex with a girl, but on the other hand, it's a doll, not a girl. So perhaps one more doll-girl fucker equals one less real-girl fucker? There's weird anthropomorphizing element here that confuses things. Even though it's just a bit of plasticky stuff that getting fucked, it's girl-shaped plasticky stuff getting fucked -- girl-shaped plasticky stuff getting fucked in a bedroom decorated with pink, princesses and stuffed animals.

So...I don't know. At this point, I've offended child-welfare advocates, the nation of Japan (hey, my best friend is Japanese), as well as ensured that I'll never write for VICE. My work here is done.

Oh yeah, and if you get a chance, go on over and visit/share my new article in Cosmo on the 8 Worst Sexy Inventions for Women


*As you may recall, Japan has long been a leader in sexual aids, except back then they just flat out admitted it was not about novelty but rather for the real, deep stuff, specifically, the "Key to the Sex Question."  Have a look at this 1930 Japanese marital aid catalog "Women Happy Medicine", to discover that the Key had something to do with lots of pointy things:


Saturday, March 1, 2014

"Don't You Fucking Move," Letter from a Feminist Submissive

Didn't I tell you not to strive for
equality in the workplace?
(Hey gorgeous, found this in the backwaters of the blog today and I loved it all over again. Just ignore the highly untimely Fifty Shades of Grey tie-in, and you'll be good.)

Today's letter came in response to a Newsweek cover story on Fifty Shades of Grey, the insanely popular S&M-y mommy porn, unpromisingly spawned by, of all things, Twilight fan fiction.

Reader Submissive and Truly Fine With That was but one of the people pissed off by the article, which tied (yes, and I'm too lazy to think of a better word) working women and feminism to S&M. You can read her response below.

If you are unfamiliar with Fifty Shades of Grey, see this Daily Beast article on the book's 14 Naughtiest Bits (a genius idea!) Here, you can witness Perfectly Good Smut being ruined by a few ill-chosen words. For example, when heroine/virgin Anastasia (she would so be named that) watches Christian's (same deal) "erection spring free" (so far so good), she thinks--unlike a young woman would, but exactly like a middle-aged fan fiction-writing author might--"Holy cow!"

Later, when she takes him in her mouth (again, a good start...) it's described thusly: "He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder...Hmmm...My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."

By the time Anastasia's "inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils," my own inner goddess is "confused and ready to go to the kitchen and get a cup of coffee."

But I digress. Please give a warm welcome to Submissive and Truly Fine With That:

God bless you for being the one place I can send this email. I just finished reading an article in Newsweek about how (or why) today’s feminists have a more-than-passing interest in S&M, or more to the point, being sexually submissive. Now I feel the need to rant because of all the sources they consulted, they neglected to ask one of us, ie. a feminist who craves domination. (To be fair, they did quote Simone de Beauvoir, but, last time I checked, she’s dead.) I thought, what better venue to rant to than this column? (Actually, there is no other option. I really don’t want to disgust any of my friends with details of my sex life beyond relative wang dimensions or whether a guy was “orally efficacious” or not.)

For starters, I have to admit I believe I was born into this desire. My first sexual fantasies all involved bondage; usually, some guy I hated or found grossly unattractive would tie me up and have his way with me. In retrospect, I think it had to be someone I didn’t like for the submission to feel “honest”.  

If I go backwards in my life to my first physical sexual feeling, it was this: a happy little tingle between my legs while watching a TV episode of "Batman and Robin." The boys were tied up in a hot air balloon that was continuously ascending and their ultimate demise was imminent. I didn’t recognize it as sexual excitement at the time, but I do now. The numerous episodes of “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl” that followed elicited the same phenomenon. And they were tied up or trapped at least once per episode. No wonder that was my favorite show.

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