|Note: Photo contains acceptable level of nudity|
1. Pool Noodle Violation: The lovely and smart Enlightened Sexpot wrote, "Your balloon phone sex post made me think of pool noodle sex" and sent along "Pool Noodle Girlfriend" by Patrick McGuire. It's a strangely fascinating interview with a guy who rigged up a pool noodle so he could have his way with it. To make the pool noodle even sexier, he stuck it to the bathroom mirror with a plunger so he could watch himself. Because what could be hotter than seeing himself--a guy living in his parents' basement. Fucking a pool noodle. In his parents' bathroom.
Here are some of my favorite excerpts:
Did you try those more traditional methods first?
Yeah, and I looked for other materials around the house but I never really found anything. The last place I looked was the garage, and that's where I found the pool noodle. I thought, "Oh wow, that's got a nice texture to it.”
So it called out to you?
OK, then what did you do?
I cut it up while I was on the can so no one would ask me what the fuck I was doing. I was shoving a condom into this thing, and then I saw the plunger and one thing led to another. I think I was plunging the condom into the slit with the plunger and I thought, "Ahh fucking hell! I could stick this to the mirror.” And that's pretty much it.
How long ago was this?
Probably five or six years ago.
And you've been violating pool noodles ever since?
No, I think I only had one pool noodle and making that contraption takes about a third of it. So I think I only did it two or three times because I didn't want my parents to be like, "What the fuck are you doing to all our pool noodles?"
How would you describe the experience then?
It's fun in the making and in action. It's a large item... so what do you do with it afterward? You want to hold onto it but you don't want to buy it breakfast or anything. You kind of think "Maybe I'll keep this thing around for another go, but then you're like "Fuck it, it's garbage day tomorrow, I have to put this in the can.”
Is your pool noodle a dirty dirty slut? My only advice is to check your pool noodle for warning signs: staying in its room a lot, loss of interest in activities it once enjoyed and sobbing at the curb after being rejected on garbage day.
2. Update from Dusky: Dusky, you may recall--if not click here ("I have had one great love and one great lover and they are not the same man"), then here ("I am going to see that old lover")--is a married woman from a country where "agonizing" is amusingly spelled as "agonising." She was sharing insanely torrid emails and texts with her old lover, finally jetted to London to visit said lover and...it was tepid and weird.
I am happy as can be, because at last my London lover emailed me. He agreed that things hadn't gone as expected, and basically let me down very gently and kindly, suggesting that he and I would always be kindred spirits and friends. It caused me a final little heart-break to have it all officially OVER, but at last it finally is. I'm no longer agonising over what I did wrong and wondering what he's thinking - he has given me the perfect closure. Bastard as he is, his ability to write a perfect email is a damn fine skill that I can't help but adore him for. Most wonderfully for me it means that I can again remember that early affair fondly, without feeling that it is tainted. We've simply proved that it doesn't exist anymore, because those younger versions of ourselves no longer exist. But from time to time I will think of those two lust-crazed people with joy, and it's lovely to know that he will too.
So, closure. Which is good. Or goodish, at least.
3. Google is so Mean: A few months ago, Google (misleading corporate slogan: "Don't be evil") stopped allowing me to run those little text ads on my blog, citing my unacceptable content. (See also, more ranting: Yes, there's adult content, that would be because I'm an ADULT.) Coincidentally, they decided this at the very moment I had gotten enough ad clicks that it was time to pay me. (Which they did not do. And I somehow suspect they neglected to return the money they had already collected from advertisers to run ads on my site.)
Now they have decided I can't even take donations through their Google version of Paypal. Their email contained the phrase "kindly note" which is the sort of language that always indicates that some bot or human that doesn't know what the fuck they are doing "reviewed" your account. Here's an excerpt from one of what is becoming a series of unpleasant emails from Google:
Adult Goods & Services is not allowed through Google checkout. Your account has been suspended. You may not process any orders at this time. If applicable, any pending orders in your account have been canceled.
Let's see here,
a. There were no "pending orders" at that time but still, that's just mean to cancel my non-existent orders.
b. It should be "Adult Goods & Services are not allowed." Also neither "goods" nor "services" need to be capitalized. And the ampersand is a wee bit unprofessional.
c. I am not offering adult goods and services. It's just for donations for which you get, well nothing, except to be a patron of a blog. Which is just words and ideas. It's not like I'm selling online blow jobs, for fuck's sake, although that might give a little boost to my pending orders. And, hell, even if I were, it's not like Google has to get in the car and go themselves to give said blow job. They merely need to process the transaction. By banning me, they are declaring what transactions are acceptable. Which to me, is entering some pretty shaky territory.
Anyway I'm hitching my scandalous word writing donation business over to PayPal. James Ashworth, the new Minister of Donation Link Checking, not only checked the link but made a donation, despite no adult services being administered to him. The Paypal donation link is in the right column if you feel like being subversive. In lieu of Adult Goods & Services, I'm willing to give you a ministerial title of your choosing.
4. Your new business. Your welcome.
A Misguider Googler recently found IBWMW via the search terms "picture of assdazzled" which made me think of this brilliant idea--Assdazzling. It would be a service similar to vajazzling, but for your butt.
My husband said to this, as did Kirkegaard, "There are some things that should not be bedazzled."
Unfortunately, as a World Renowned Anal Bleaching Expert (this, unfortunately, is actually true), I already am quite busy in the ass-related market. So if you are looking for a business opportunity, and enjoy working with both sphincters and tiny pokey rhinestones, I bequeath the Assdazzling market to you.*
*For a modest donation, I will name you the IBWMW Minister of Assdazzling, which would look mighty fine on a business card.
photo: Herbert List - Sans Titre, 1937