Thursday, December 15, 2011

Getting Buzz Lightyear Stuck in Your Butt and Other Hazards of Naked Vacuuming

Mayday! Mayday!
Please excuse the interruption, but this just in from major media outlet ABC News as part of their "health" coverage, Patients Get Bottles, Cell Phones, Buzz Lightyear Stuck Inside:

One winter night, Dr. Melissa Barton was the attending physician in the emergency department of the Detroit Medical Center. Making her rounds, she picked up a chart for a new patient and read the woman's chief complaint: "eye in the vagina."

The patient told Barton she had been expecting a fight with some neighbors outside her house. Wearing only a sweatshirt and spandex pants, she needed somewhere to stow her prosthetic eye for safe-keeping.

"Those things are pretty expensive and hard to replace," Barton said. "So that's where it went, along with her driver's license."

Unfortunately, it got stuck.

In case you were just skimming or have already blocked it all out, here are the salient facts: some lady put a prosthetic eye AND her driver's license up her vag. For safekeeping.

Okay, I get that this chick was in a hurry due to the pending fight with her neighbors. But, in my estimation, if she had time to stick her driver's license inside herself, she probably had time to just run it in the house instead. All things considered, running it into the house would probably actually be more efficient. I think no matter how good you are with your hands, it's probably never a speedy process to insert a big, rectangular, plasticky unfoldable thing into your womanly folds. Yes, even if you were super super aroused and really wanted to fuck the hell out of that driver's license.

Although perhaps I am not giving this lady enough credit. Maybe she had a plan. If she did get into the fight with the neighbors, at the crucial moment, she could stare right at her neighbors (with the other eye, of course), squat menacingly, push the eyeball out in a dramatic, birthing fashion, then start running toward her neighbors, yelling "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh!" and brandishing the eyeball. I guessing she would win the fight right then and there. 

Here's another one:

Dr. Gary Vilke, a professor of clinical emergency medicine at the University of California San Diego Medical Center, saw a patient who had four Barbie doll heads stuck in his rectum.

"When you looked at his x-ray, they were looking at you, like a totem pole," Vilke said.

Can't you so picture those four Barbie heads, stacked in a totem pole fashion, looking at Dr. Vilke as though silently pleading, "Help us. Please, help us."?

But, fear not, lest you are concerned that some dude was getting off by beheading Barbies and ramming their heads up his butt, there is actually a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this.

"My favorite excuses all involve someone who was doing something in the nude," reports Dr. Rich Dreben, author of the book Stuck Up! 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn't Be. "'I was vacuuming in the nude, when I fell.' Usually, it's some naked activity and a resulting accident."

Exactly. So this guy was vacuuming in the nude, which is the very best way to vacuum, as we all know. He tripped and fell right on top of a Barbie head! And damned if it didn't happen three more times. I think we've all been there, right?

Other objects that have found their way inside someone's personal orifice after such careless naked housework include many salads worth of vegetables, Buzz Lightyear (see photo above), nail clippers, and reading glasses. 

I can see the appeal of putting something inside oneself, but I guess I'm kind of picky about which household objects I'd wish to fuck. Like certain vegetables--a particularly handsome carrot, perhaps--might have a chance to have its way with me. But c'mon, nail clippers? Too pokey! And friggin' reading glasses? Even the most stylish pair of reading glasses, to my mind, are not the least bit fuckable. Hear that, reading glasses? Don't even try.

Still, people fuck what they want to fuck. As the commenter Sutureman1 wrote, "After over 30 years in surgery, I am awed at what people will do to themselves. I have so far seen: a candle, lightbulbs, batteries, spaghetti prongs, a mattress coil, and even a can of Edge Shaving Cream (the 33% more sized can )."

I love that he noted that the shaving cream was the "33% more sized can" because I think it makes the whole episode 33% worse.

But....I'm sorry....what were we talking about? I lost track because I just had a sudden thought on the man with the Barbie heads: Do you think he was talking to them as he had his way with them? 

"Hey, Barbie, see my sweet ass? You want some of that, don't you?" (Pointing Barbie's vapid eyes toward his eager butt. Barbie continues to smile vacantly, as is her wont.) "C'mon Barbie, beg for it!" *using his high Barbie voice* "Oh, please, I want to be in your ass so bad. Please, do it now!"

Right, that scenario is entirely too upsetting. So I am going to have cling to the fragile tendril of hope that maybe, just maybe, it really was the nude vacuuming scenario. It's about all I can handle today.


Anonymous said...

bahahaha.....i posted this pic up on FB the other day...weird....
anyway i thought jeez, what happens when he deploys his special wings and turns on his jetpack???

in bed with married women said...

Dan, now you've got me wondering if it was a talking Buzz and was commenting while ensconced within.

Anonymous said...

hahahahah...where da firetruck is that sound coming from?
'buzz to central command....i appear to be in a spot of bother here...its all dark, warm and squishy...i await further instructions....meanwhile i will swim around trying to find my mobile command unit...'

Anonymous said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little!

Anonymous said...

I'm still struggling with the woman who considered her vagina a convenient and safe hiding place for her driver's license... and am trying to not dwell too much on how she managed it. Ow.

Gia said...

Hahahah the totem pole of barbie heads is the best one. It's like that old SNL skit with Chris Parnell when he kept walking into an ER saying he fell on something.

The fake eye in the vagina grosses me out the most. you think she washed it? SHUDDER.

Anonymous said...

Yea I've heard about that Barbie Doll guy, and he's weird, very weird. How would you keep a straight face while looking at the X-ray?

in bed with married women said...

Dan, Exactly. But you must stop now. Don't make me brandish my prosthetic eye at you.
Anonymous--Threw up in your mouth, in a good way? Or not so much?
Week Bi Week--I guess, technically, it is convenient (sorta) and safe, and yet...
Gia, I KNOW. And I keep thinking that, during a fight, she would be at a distinct disadvantage with an eyeball and driver's license up the vag. I mean, at the very least, it would be uncomfortable. (Or I guess, really really sexy, depending on your point of view.)
Dicky, I am pretty sure that my Barbie is giving me a look that says she want me to put her head in my ass, but I want to wait til we know each other a bit more and it just feels, you know, "right" to me.

katsidhe said...

I had a patient with a Bratz doll up his ass.

Fun fact: Most people are more disturbed that someone as mental as I am used to take care of sick people, than they are over the Bratz self-sodomy.

Cinderita said...

HAHAH! OH MY GOD! I will NEVER look at a pair of nail clippers or my drivers license in quite the same way. yikes!

Gabi said...

I can't decide whether to cry or to laugh.

caitlingrace said...

Just when I think people can't get any weirder some women sticks her prosthetic ey and drivers license in her vagina and a guy build a totem pole of Barbie heads in his butt *shaking mye head*. I don't want to know what they will come up with next.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Betty! I am still laughing. I've got tears streaming from my eyes and I'm still laughing. Thanks for the best laugh I've had in a long time!

OldGuy said...

I'm sorry to to bother you with having to go back all these years, but Oh my! Haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Your blog is FABulous! Hope I don't have to resort to any of these measures. Thank you again for your wonderful writing.

perrbro said...

"To infinity... And Beyond!"

in bed with married women said...

Oddly, this morning I did end up doing a little bit of naked vacuuming. I don't know if I was extra careful or what, but I remain unviolated, bum-wise. Still early though.