Friday, March 7, 2014

Things People Have Sex With That Aren't Other People--Japanese Edition

Don't look at the side of the box. Really.
While the rest of the us are still primitively having sex with our toothbrushes, Buzz Lightyear dolls and slutty slutty pool noodles, sex toy scientists in Japan are hard at work (er...) figuring out the very latest in gadgets we can put on, up or over our sexual regions.*

So that you won't be the Goofus stuck in the corner having sex with a dumb ol' hollowed out cucumber while the Gallants are modernistically experiencing perfect mechanically-calibrated orgasms with futuristic machines, here's what's happening overseas:

1.  The Onahole

Yes, we have our fleshlights and whatnot (including this shower mounted model--go us!), but Japan has really dipped deeply into (yes, that's how it's going down today. sorry) the art of the onahole, which I think is Japanese for "vaginiaey stuff in a cup that you can fuck." Kind of like Cup O' Noodles, but with vagina. Japan has perfected the art of self-expression via onacup.  The Tenga Flip Holefor example, is white and sleek like something that should connect wirelessly to your iPhone.  According to the Amazon description, it "lets you blanket yourself in the gently bliss of delicate internal details!"  It also comes with three lotions, mild, wild and real (?) which, awesomely, are called Hole Lotion.
I told you.
For those who want some back story with their wank toy, there are holes featuring brides, virgins (hymen included) and even an "Unpopulated Island Survival" version with three different holes. There's "starter hole" for onahole first-timers, featuring the semi-depressing ad copy "a huge step forward for your single sex life" and a Fellatio Hole with...dear God...something called "Saliva Lotion."

What's strange about these is that, for some reason, they are sold as parody products "only" and all have the following note for anyone who mistakes a masturbation device as being for, you know, masturbation:

NOTE: This is a new novelty onahole from Japan for stress relief. It is intended for use as a joke gift item only.

But then they contain extensive way-too-detailed-for-a-joke specifications as well as semi-horrifying renderings as this:

Ack!

If you know Japanese, please PLEASE tell me what these little blurbs say! Although I am actually more curious about the contents of the speech bubble in the photo below:

What does the Onahole say?


2. Extreme Onahole
I am uncomfortable with the amount of wires here

The A10 Cyclone "has a series of brushes that rotate back and forth over the item in question. Think of it as a shoe cleaner for you weenus," wrote John Biggs in TechCrunch, who called the Cyclone "overwhelming" and, less importantly, called his cock a "weenus." The Cyclone sounds pretty hardcore, like the boy equivalent to the jackhammer intensity of the Magic Wand, so use caution putting anything in there, including one's weenus. Although you would of course never do that, because these--even the top-of-the-line $150 A10 Piston-- are also *wink* only a joke gift.

3. Love Doll Brothels

Finally, if you need not just the three holes, but a whole fake body to fuck, there are brothels in Japan offering the company of love dolls. It's disease- and sex trafficking-free which is good. But when I saw this photo:

Awkward silence. Permanently.
I became concerned about, of all things, their sound system. Not only would it have to cover up the sound of dudes grunting away over their ladies, but also mask the unsettling silence of the dolls, sitting there like eerily mute mannequins/cadavers/something-else-creepy.

I also became oddly riveted by this video in which three guys from VICE visit a low-end brothel and schtup the dolls.  I'm not entirely sure if I was offended or entertained. It was fascinating to see this sort of vérité version of a brothel visit. The dolls are poorly made (new hole for each customer, if you were wondering), the guys find it difficult to get hard and can't figure out a comfortable doll coitus position. At one point, a doll's head falls off.

The VICE editor is kind of a douche, and picks a way young-looking schoolgirl doll. (V. popular, btw). On one hand it's creepy as fuck that everyone wants to have sex with a girl, but on the other hand, it's a doll, not a girl. So perhaps one more doll-girl fucker equals one less real-girl fucker? There's weird anthropomorphizing element here that confuses things. Even though it's just a bit of plasticky stuff that getting fucked, it's girl-shaped plasticky stuff getting fucked -- girl-shaped plasticky stuff getting fucked in a bedroom decorated with pink, princesses and stuffed animals.

So...I don't know. At this point, I've offended child-welfare advocates, the nation of Japan (hey, my best friend is Japanese), as well as ensured that I'll never write for VICE. My work here is done.

Oh yeah, and if you get a chance, go on over and visit/share my new article in Cosmo on the 8 Worst Sexy Inventions for Women

xoxox
jill

*As you may recall, Japan has long been a leader in sexual aids, except back then they just flat out admitted it was not about novelty but rather for the real, deep stuff, specifically, the "Key to the Sex Question."  Have a look at this 1930 Japanese marital aid catalog "Women Happy Medicine", to discover that the Key had something to do with lots of pointy things:

ow.

10 comments:

Amy Harwood said...

OMG -- the companies selling these products are now so mainstream that they have hired lawyers to read their advertising copy! Why else would they specifically note that these items are *intended for joke use only?" Either they are emulating those really cool car commercials where men drive over swamps of alligators and whatnot and the "subtle" wording underneath tells the viewer not to try this at home OR they are making the packaging ready for mass marketing at Spencer Gifts in a mall near you.

Either way, I can just imagine these products being used in a Torts class for first year law students. I smell a reality TV show here, Jill. Whatcha think?

in bed with married women said...

Amy, yes, but first we must know what that onahole is saying? I think it has great wisdom

Yogi said...

I use the tenga egg and the fliphole. They are absolutely great. I can't remember where I found out about the egg, but the fliphole is reviewed on masturbatorsanctum.tumblr.com

in bed with married women said...

Yogi, thanks for the rec.

If anyone's heading over to Yogi's site, it's super interesting but contains lots of boner photos, so don't be looking at it at the PTA meeting.

jill Hamilton said...

here's breaking orgasm machine news from reader Chaffyn:

Orgasm machine to deliver climax at the push of a button
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/orgasm-machine-to-deliver-climax-at-the-push-of-a-button-9176969.html

ValdVin said...

Anyone else getting a "Dr. Kreiger's girlfriend" vibe* from this post? I confess to not knowing anything about the scene, and it's the first thing I thought of.

(*Not sure if that's pun intended.)

CP said...

The silence of the dolls?

Cyn said...

I had to watch that video. I've never seen anything quite so hilariously creepy, especially when the doll's head fell off. Hey, at least the guys required Viagra to get hard--that's saying something. Although I'm not sure what.

In other news, I have just discovered your blog, Jill. Fabulous! I'm getting it on my Kindle but have to come to the computer for the comments, anyway. Keep up the awesome work!

in bed with married women said...

Vald Vin--Don't know the reference. Headed to Google...

CP--indeed.

Cyn--Thank you!!!!!!! ps are you have any probs with kindle or is it all good?

Anonymous said...

That toy with the word bubble above it in Japanese is saying to the reader: "Me love you long time".
Buy seriously, I have thought about buying one of these. It is not that I am tired of my right hand so much as well, after all these years my right hand is just not what it used to be. Also ( laugh if you must Jill) but.. when I did wind up going solo, I used to fantasize about sex that I had once had with my wife.
Those fantasies are far into the past now, and I can no longer connect with them

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