Sunday, March 16, 2014

What Does the Onahole Say? New Contest! Win an Object to Have Sex With! (Or Make Love To--Up to You...)

Today's contest has not one, but TWO, fabulous prizes. Yes, two sex toys--both the really good, expensive kind with the highly desirable asset of Not Looking Like Creepy Disembodied Genitalia. There's one for each gender but if you're not into gender, go for whichever one you want.

MiMi Vibe: We might be sex toys. Or...we might be spying on you.
Prize #1, for women or persons of womanness: The MiMi Rechargeable Waterproof Vibrator, courtesy of our sex toy sugar mamas at Good Vibrations*, who sold me with the phrase "five vibration settings and pulsation patterns, ranging from slow and thuddy to fast and strong." It's also rated intensity 4, which... well, the scale only goes to 5, so expect some really righteous thuddy pulsations.
 
Prize #2, for guys or male-identified or friends of the penis:  A Fleshlight Flight Masturbation Sleeve (also from Good Vibes) which gave me a tiny touch of penis envy when I read this:

Inside, the non-descript entry hole and exclusive texture of the removable SuperSkin sleeve includes ridges, nubs and rings alternating from narrow to wider to offer a variety of sensations and cleans easily with warm water. The redesigned click and pop cap allows for easier access to the inner workings of the Flight, while threaded base adjusts the amount of suction felt on the back stroke– simply twist to adjust until the desired level is reached! Sleek, discreet and innovative, the Fleshlight Flight is the next generation of sensual stimulation.
 
Fleshlight: Please, please, fuck my "non-descript entry hole"

Adjustable suction--that sounds good, doesn't it? I would totally stick my at-this-point wholly imaginary dick in there. And "non-descript entry hole," while not the sexiest language in the world, at least implies that you won't be getting one of those excessively realistic looking Vulvas in a Stick (less popular sister store to Hot Dog on a Stick). And speaking of disembodied vaginas, as we often are, brings us right to your challenge:

Three ways to enter:
1.  Tell me what you think the Onahole (below) is saying. (For backstory, see post: Things People Have Sex With That Aren't Other People--Japanese Edition)
"Your message here"

Soar to new heights of personal pleasure with Fleshlight Flight Masturbation Sleeve. Sporting a high-tech, more compact design, this reusable masturbator features a tapering outer case for easier handling and a textured surface that adds an element of artistry. Inside, the non-descript entry hole and exclusive texture of the removable SuperSkin sleeve includes ridges, nubs and rings alternating from narrow to wider to offer a variety of sensations and cleans easily with warm water. The redesigned click and pop cap allows for easier access to the inner workings of the Flight, while threaded base adjusts the amount of suction felt on the back stroke– simply twist to adjust until the desired level is reached! Sleek, discreet and innovative, the Fleshlight Flight is the next generation of sensual stimulation. - See more at: http://www.goodvibes.com/display_product.jhtml?id=16CB19&lref=Cat_catalog70002_cat33835__1#sthash.ihdAlM5J.dpuf
2. Tell me what you know the Onahole is saying because you read Japanese and can put me out of my misery of non-knowingness. I'm pretty sure this Onahole has answers for me of an Important Nature that only you can tell me.

3. Ignore the poor, voiceless Onahole but make up for it by doing the blog a favor. Buy or gift an IBWMW Kindle subscription. Share or retweet this contest. Share a favorite post or the blog in general. Follow or have a friend follow on Twitter, on Google + or like/share the IBWMW Facebook page.

Send in your answers or PR efforts below in a comment, an email to jillhamilton001@gmail.com or fill out the comment form in the right margin. (Don't forget to tell me if you want the Mimi or the Fleshlight.) Good luck!

Winners will be announced Monday, March 24.

xoxox
jill

P.S. Some extra blog business for the very very dedicated. (Note: contains whining/Las notas: contienen lloriqueo) Run away! Run away!

1.  If you follow the IBWMW Facebook page, you are aware that FB is being a total asshat and will not show my (or any other) page in our fans' feeds unless we pony up some money to "boost" the posts. That means that even though our page has over 1200 "likes"--that is, people who already specifically indicated they wanted to hear from the page--Facebook will generally only show any given post to about 30 of them. Which blows. Some people see every damn post and some haven't seen one in months and have to click over to check themselves (which is a total pain--but dear god, they do it anyway!)  With the help of a ton of you (thank you!) on the page, we've tried to figure out what wacked out algorithm FB is relying on, but have only discovered that: A. FB hates links. B. FB likes it when people engage with a post by liking, sharing, and commenting on it. So do that.

And I'm not proud of this, but I finally paid $5 to "boost" a post to see what would happen. Unfortunately, the post involved the talking Onahole which apparently "violates Facebook's ad guidelines." Because they are obviously racist against Japanese sex toys.

So I am going to try to wean myself from Facebook's highly tempting teat. For now, I guess the best way to keep up with new posts is to check back here on your own, follow via Twitter or Google+ , get the blog emailed to you (link at right) or buy a Kindle subscription, except that....well, there's this:

2.  The IBWMW Minister of Science reports that upon trying to reinstate her Kindle subscription, she got the message that the blog was "not currently available for purchase." This might, I reasoned, though not being a Minister of Science myself, hold a clue to the sudden 40% drop in subscriptions. I contacted Amazon and they solved the problem by claiming it was available. Meanwhile:

I read that as "not currently available for purchase"
*Sigh* I'm working on fixing it as we speak. Let me know if it's working or not for you. In the meantime, you are welcome to bitch into the void.

However I discovered that if you do an Amazon search for In Bed With Married Women on your phone, it doesn't come up until the second page, way after various non-In Bed With Married Women titled items, including The Best of Barbara Mandrell (on friggin' cassette!) and the Saint Rita Casket ($3,495.00)

*Full disclosure. Good Vibes kicks back donates 20% of all purchases made through the blog back to the blog. Plus they give us sex toys, so they are in good with me. Unlike Amazon and Facebook. Grr...

10 comments:

in bed with married women said...

Just so you know what you're up against, here's the first Onahole Speaks entry:
"Object may appear smaller than reality." or "Does this angle make me look fat? Yes? Good!"

Spiffy McBang said...

"Otaku? Easy to hide from mom!"

The fact it's Japanese also makes me lean towards vaguely (or not-so-vaguely) sexist translations, such as:

"Is like wife before child!"
"Like a prostitute you don't have to keep paying!"

bettyfokker said...

Imma like the holy hell out of all your FB posts!!! Now, enter me for a cool vibrator. :)

Anonymous said...

My entry for the FL:

http://youtu.be/ETokvLC_YlA

Fitzlurker

Bill said...

It says "Now more orifice-like!"

cegluna said...

Gotta love amazon search algorithms. Not sure which is worse - being listed after a cassette or a casket. Made me chuckle.

Anonymous said...

It says: "Ha, now I own you!

tejanojim said...

Jill - is there a higher resolution image of the Onahole? It's in Kanji, so I should be able to translate the characters with standard online tools, only I can't make out all the details. Apparently I'm the only Sinophile who reads your blog.

Anonymous said...

https://www.google.com/search?safe=off&q=sujiman+kupa+roa+male+masturbator&tbm=isch&tbs=simg:CAQSYxphCxCo1NgEGgAMCxCwjKcIGjwKOggBEhTFAuUC4wK_1AskByAGIA8MC0wGJAxog5rmLqgioQyX0tWa5kqO_1KrqDs9VpQ_1xnmkvW-fIAOEcMCxCOrv4IGgoKCAgBEgSQjEJ3DA&sa=X&ei=qlkvU7meLcjxoAS3poCABg&ved=0CCMQ2A4oAQ&biw=360&bih=567#biv=i%7C0%3Bd%7CwKOXtTXCBchmHM%3A largest version of the image I could find.

jill Hamilton said...

anonymous, I just saw that you went to the trouble to find 4 sizes of images. thanks! perhaps this will be the clue that sets this mystery in the right direction.

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