Thursday, December 11, 2014

How To Please a Woman. Maybe. Well, me, at least.

I'll be here for a bit
I just wrote my first article for Alternet: What Men Raised on Porn Really Need to Know About Pleasing a Women. Whee!

Well...kinda. You'll see.

The idea was that since most porn has little in the way of usable lady-pleasin' info, I would offer some ideas culled from the Sexual Wisdom of the Ages. I nerdishly went back through sex manuals and uncovered common themes from sources both ancient, like Master Tung-hsuan and Ovid, to modern teachers like Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, Ovid, Daniel Bergner, and Naomi Wolf.

I loved what I found and thought, "I am sharing the Deep Wisdom here. The people, they shall rejoice!"

Except "the people"-- oh god, I don't know how to put this but, some of them are not so dear and smart and open-minded like you. The commenters, some who maybe even read the article, did not fawn over me as I was expecting, but instead saw all kinds of nefarious messages in what I thought was a completely benign (and mighty delightful!) article. One guy thought was I calling men "shitty" (what??), another said I was advocating rape (for the record, I am "anti-rape"), another thought that I didn't include enough info on gay dudes...in an article on how men can please women.

Sure, plenty of people got it, like the 1000+ people who are sharing it on Facebook or readers like this chick who wrote: "This is possibly the best article on the subject that I have had the pleasure to read." (btw, another complaint:  calling female humans "chicks." Because I AM THE OPPRESSOR!) 

Of course I gave the negative comments a billion times more of my attention. How was my message and intention so so misheard? I mean, how did anyone end up interpreting it as some sort of criticism against men? (Also for the record: Yay, men!)

I was completely disappointed and thrown and was gonna write this big ol' sad, pissed-off, point-by-point refutation of each gripe. I was even going to cite Erica Jong from Fear of Fifty about the backlash when women talk honestly about sex. ("We need to unlock the staggering power of Eros in the female psyche. We must demand the right to depict women's lives as we know them, not as we might like them to be." Go Erica!)

But....then I looked at comments on other articles and realized:  They are all like that.  Angry, off-topic, defensive.

Oh.

Internet people just like bitchin,' I guess. Crisis averted.

In the meantime, the article is among the site's "most read."  Just hope some people are actually reading it.

Go ahead and have a look yourself.  I still really like it, dammit, and agree with practically all of my points. Let me know what you think.*

xoxo
jill

*Be gentle. I'm still a little raw.

Update 12/15/14:  The article is the number #1 most read piece on Alternet and is now on Salon.  So suck my non-gender specific dick, haters.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was thinking the same thing. People must be really pissed off about, whatever, and feel like it's ok to take it out on random internet people. I guess they're trying to prove they're superiority. I find them boring. And mean.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, their, not they're.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous, the real fighty ones comment on EVERY piece and are now actually fighting among themselves about how bad the other one must surely be in bed.

cegluna said...

Loved it! Chock full of awesome suggestions for men who think porn sex is the bee's knees for women (notsomuch).
Unsolicited advice: don't feed the internet trolls & try to focus on the positive commentary - wouldn't want net idiocy to discourage you from writing such gems :)

in bed with married women said...

cegluna, thank you dear heart! it's amazing how easily i went from "i fucking love what i wrote!" to "maybe i DO totally suck."

ps anyone else, that "please prove you're not a robot" message below is a blogger bug and should be fixed soon. i hate it too.

Anonymous said...

I fucking LOVE, LOVE, LOVE what you wrote! You hit the nail on the head on every point (especially after my most recent experience with an internet porn addict). Write more! And don't listen to those idiotic internet trolls. They have nothing better to do with their lives.

Vanessa D. said...

It's true - a lot of really ranty angry people like to troll comment sections. Even reading a local newspaper article tends to leave me feeling like I just rolled around in a pile of manure.

That said, it was a good article and I love that you started out with the reminder that porn has nothing to do with real women's pleasure. Porn is all about maximizing camera angles to give men the visual stimulation that appeals to them.

Kind of reminds me of an the first time with an ex where he wanted to know how many times I came and I bluntly told him none. Or when he said "you aren't much of a screamer" and I told him the screamers were usually fakers. I guess that's why he's an ex.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous-- Yeah! I'm gonna do it! *now jogging around purposefully*

Vanessa D--so sorry about your bad experience, but...I so love hearing about bad sex. So thanks for that. As well as the kind words.

Midge said...

Whether they had good or bad comments on it, think of it this way, you have them talking about it. And even the ones who said bad things, are probably pondering what you said in the back of their minds......

The men who had the negative comments need to realize, the more they please the woman, the more the woman wants to please them.......

Trust me, if you can get me off and please me, I'll please you in every way you want....and may show you a thing or two as well...

IBWMW Minister of Science said...

Haters gonna hate, Jill. Fuck 'em. And now, after your extensive research, you know how to do so most expertly.
The Minister of Science gives two thumbs up.

Anonymous said...

It's been my experience that few women like the typical things porn portrays. I've watched a fair amount of porn in my time, yet little of it appeared to be anything that a "real" human would likely incorporate into a sexual relationship. So since too many people only get sexual information from porn, it's no wonder that it has its bad reputation. I would think that more realistic porn would be enough of a turn-on for most, and they would likely learn from it in the process.

in bed with married women said...

Midge, yeah. also I realized that a lot of the comments are from, like, the same 4 people who just like fightin'. i have a weird job. I mean, accountants don't get heckled after they do a page of calculations.

Minister of Science, I shall wait to fuck them only when the rivers of passion flow throughout their silken loins.

Anonymous, for the record, i'm not against porn and may or may not have watched some just last tuesday. BUT i have talked to a lot of therapists who say that younger guys, especially, are coming in w/ sexual dysfunction probs cause they think they need to be super hard or fuck a really long time or whatever.

don't have any answers, just talking about the questions.

Kayla Lords said...

I purposely didn't read the comments - no need to get all pissed off when the trolls will probably just eat each other eventually - that IS what trolls do, right? Eh, I have no clue.

It is a fascinating article and I love that so many different types of perspectives say essentially the same thing. :)

Dave Fancella said...

I think this article is a must-read for any teenager contemplating losing their virginity, and that it has value regardless of your sex or sexual orientation.

in bed with married women said...

Kayla, thanks! ps just looked at your g plus page. yikes. now following xo

dave, thanks! a "must read"-- thinking suddenly of that monty python skit where john cleese is teaching fucking skills to his class of bored prep school boys.

Dave Fancella said...

Heh. The kids and i were watching that one not long ago. My 15yo commented that she learned more about sex from that than she learned in school.

Want a Do-Over said...

Now, to find a woman who actually wants to hear all that hot talk... I gave up after I was informed no more sex and she still expected me to stay "faithful"--so awesome. Prior to here I didn't seem to have much trouble being good at the hot talk. Ugh, depressing as hell.

Supposedly, now I'm too old (48 is "old"?! When did this happen?!), not rich enough and not tall enough (hey, 5'-6" still packs a lotta hot, okay?) for women to find me eligible. Or so they say... I won't know until I get out of this long past dead relationship.

BTW, Alternet fans in general are of the mind that there isn't much use for men since all men rape, all the time and are generally incapable of anything else. At least a lot of men get that message (intentional or not). It's frustrating. All that to say, yes, don't worry about them. I have friends who are regular contributors—the never read the comments. It's just not worth it.

Anonymous said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I thought it was a great article. So great that even though my dear man and I are on a particularly hot upswing at the moment, I was thinking of sending it to him as a combo "attaboy, you're on the right track" and "by the way, if you ever want to try anything more, here's your ticket" - in fact, I will. Slugs are slugs, but real women love your shit, Jill.

MattM said...

Jill, that article is fantastic. I'm sorry you don't get flooded with positive feedback, b/c I think you deserve it. Or at least, it would be nice if you could read all of the positive feedback first, and either ignore the negative, or use the positive to gird against the negative.
anyway, keep up the good work. I eagerly devour your posts as soon as I find them. much love.

Red Shoes said...

"Internet people just like bitchin,' I guess."

HAR!!! Did you EVER get THIS right!!!!

Over the duration of my sexual lifetime, what I have found works well for my partner and myself is to listen to her...

She will tell me what is working... what she wants... what she enjoys... either verbally or through some other form of communication.

It isn't that I set out to make sure she experiences all of those different feelings, etc., I don't have a check list...

Oddly enough, when our sex takes on something akin to a porn video... it is usually when she takes the lead...

~shoes~

Keppie said...

Aww, I'm so sorry, Jill. As a fellow author I know it stings to receive insults on your piece. You aren't being sensitive--it hurts when people don't respect your work. I don't understand why folks feel the need to tear everything down so violently. It's okay to have differing opinions, but it's so destructive when they do it so systematically. I think you should be glad to be a little raw about it; it shows that you still have heart and that you still care. You haven't become jaded. That's what makes you good at what you do. Don't ever change, even if it hurts sometimes. Thanks for being strong enough to share your message even when it does. *hugs*

in bed with married women said...

Dave, now that is sort of stunning.

Do-over, good luck on your quest.

Anonymous, thanks lovely. and happy for you re: you and the dear man xo

MattM, don't think you've ever made yourself known here, so thanks, even better!

~shoes~ sounds like you're getting it right.

keppie, well, i am happy that I didn't tell someone who accused me of perpetuating gender sexual roles to suck my dick. Progress!

in bed with married women said...

AND it's been been the second most popular story on the site for days! so those 20 mean people can all suck my dick.

Anonymous said...

Speaking, I'm sure, for the almost silent majority, we all want to suck your dick, figuratively of course. I joyfully ravish each of your pieces--aggressively, I cannot help myself. Jill, you rule!

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous, Now you're talking. xo

Anonymous said...

Love your column Jill! This piece addresses what has eluded me for 40 years about my wife. She reads these books where the heroine basically (although secretly) desires her hero to basically ravish her (quite forcefully,in the typical episode). In my experience with my love, she only wants intimacy when she is romantic, I am not to force things.
When I pointed out this disconnect in my life with her, she reminded me that the heroine was all turned on.
My love was NOT quite able to describe exactly what sort of behavior from me she needs to attain the sort of neediness that resembles her heoine. It is a catch-22.?!

Virginia G said...

My husband is a writer for various publications and I think it was one of his editors at the New York Times who told him that for the most part the only people who comment on their site are the trolls. So yeah, a place as vaunted as the NYT has troll issues. You're in good company.

Secondly, your article was awesome.

Thirdly, this comment issue is why one of my hobbies is to leave completely random, off the wall comments on the NYT site just to see what gets published. (I get censored a lot, but not for meanness)

Oh and also random other sites that catch my fancy. Like this one.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous, well...at least you're trying. i say, wait until she's full up of book lust, then coast on that. ps thanks for the kind words.

Virginia, welcome, lady! i am loving all the comments you're sprinkling all over the blog, like a pithy little elf or something. i wrote for a popular yay, woman-power site and a certain editor told me in confidence that they were sooo done with the uber-PC fighty commenters.

Luke Oakridge said...

I found your blog because your AlterNet article was linked to it. As someone who doesn't follow this blog regularly, I hope that I will be a useful outside opinion who no one can accuse of being biased toward you.

I wanted to say that I thought that your article was really well written. You are right that porn is fantasy and not the best place to gain information on how to make sure your wife or girlfriend has a good sexual experience. While men might enjoy it if life was like porn, the fact is that it isn't how women become aroused in many cases, so he has to take her desires into account as well. Your advice on how to help her have a good time is helpful and will assist many couples in bed.

I will admit that I was a little suspicious when I read the title because I've seen so many articles that are basically either "porn is bad" or "Men are clueless in bed" or "Your wife's pleasure matters more than yours". I was pleased to learn that your article wasn't any of that. So I think that the reason why many of the men were defensive is because they falsely assumed your article was one of those (also people on the internet like to argue, so that is the other part of it).

However I don't know how you could have avoided that in your title given that it did correctly describe what was in your article and trying to be more specific would cause the title to be too long, so I guess you just have to hope that people read your article rather than just the title.

in bed with married women said...

hey luke, thanks for your insights. i think you're right. plus in the original i had said stuff like "porn can be all kinds of fun" etc... (which i do think) that sort of tempered what i was saying and when it was removed maybe it sounded more judgey.

i'm good w it all now.

i think.

Tanya said...

I have been reading so much of this blog since I found it, that I read "older porn" instead of "older posts." For the record, I am too afraid to watch/download porn since I only have wifi access at my college.

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