Thursday, May 30, 2013

And so we say good-bye, for now, to Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating.

Beauty Hole Ass Vagina inspired Indolent to create...this.
The winner of the "Is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating an ass? Or a vagina?" Contest is...Indolent.

Indolent wins because he or she tried so darn hard. Not only did they provide this excellent answer--

"But why must it choose one? You're trying to force an identity on it not of its own desire. Doing that, you're liable to give it self-esteem issues, and maybe even some sort of disorder! (I would say an eating disorder, but a mouth seems to be the one orifice it's not trying to be.) You should praise it for its unique sensibilities, its individual contributions to the world, rather than trying to make it conform to a preconceived notion of normal. You should let it know that, no matter what else, it is a Beauty. Ass, vagina, egg, all are irrelevant. The important thing is to accept it for itself, to allow it to forge its own destiny, to reach the heights of splendor by its own path. (Perhaps not unmolested, but at least unhindered.) It is Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating, and it is Beauty."

--which could have won just for the mention of the often-overlooked Beauty that is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina, as well as the sentence "Perhaps not unmolested, but at least unhindered."

But THEN, Indolent came back a few days later, with another comment, plus a link to the artistic work shown above left.

"In an attempt to answer this question for myself, I have drawn a picture. It would appear that it is, in fact, possible for this to resemble a vulva. However, the unfortunate possessor of said vulva managed to get half of herself hit by a shrink ray, causing everything to become grotesquely out of proportion."

The best part is that the png file is called "I will never admit I drew this."

Well Indolent, if you want your prize, the possibly fabulous Pirouette Waterproof Vibrator from Good Vibrations, you're gonna have to admit it, at least to me. Drop me an email with your mailing address and soon you'll be opening a benign-looking package with a nice twisty vibrator inside.

And, if you didn't read the other answers people submitted, go back and have a look. Everyone (almost) is so fucking smart and funny and possibly over-educated/underemployed, it makes me beam with pride. Go on, look--what other place offers you fellow readers that are equally comfortable using the terms "cloaca" and "assgina"?

I will leave you today with this perhaps divinely-inspired meditation on Beauty Hole Ass Vagina from reader EB.

While this is a highly complicated question, I find it be philosophically interesting in the same way that cloudwatching is philosophically interesting: to each person, the result may be different but at the same time, if you have truly connected to the person viewing beside you, you may see the same bunny-shaped cloud. Therefore, the question is not "is it an ass or a vagina" but rather, is it an ass or a vagina to both you and the person you are viewing it with? If it is the same, the benefits of this are clear--but if it is different, this is an opportunity for growth for both of you as you explore the whys and wherefores of the difference. Therefore, this question could be the very basis for the deep and lasting development of a special relationship, making the question itself not nearly as relevant to the journey to its answer. 

xoxoxo
jill

(art by Indolent)

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Contest! Win a velvety twirly vibrator! Just answer an unanswerable question!

Your challenge:

Is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating an ass....or a vagina? Explain. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating.

As you may recall, we know that its package contains "1x big ass" so that might provide a clue. On the other hand, we also learned that it boasts "the feeline of mridens's skin" which tells us...um, well, that's for you to decide.

Winner, as chosen by the vagaries of my ever-changing whims, will be announced Tuesday, May 28, 2013.

The prize:

Formal portrait of purple Pirouette with blue friend
This fabulous Pirouette Waterproof Vibrator from the sexually empowered folk at Good Vibrations, who maybe will continue to give us free stuff if some of y'all get your butts and other toy-needing orifices over there and buy something.

Here's Pirouette's blurb:
Offering a new twist on vibration stimulation, this waterproof vibe features a spiraling shaft, creating a contoured surface to add a textural element to penetration play. The super-smooth velvety exterior feels sensationally soft against the skin while the simple dial control lets you adjust the intensity to suit your sensual needs.

Sounds good, yes?

So get your brain on this:  Ass? Or vagina? Ass? Or vagina?

xoxo
jill

P.S. In Bed With Married Women is now the top rated humor blog for Amazon Kindle--thanks to YOU! Which translates not to highest sales. That would go to a blog called "Joke of the Day," perhaps because it's incredibly hard to unsubscribe from. Here's a review of Joke of the Day:

"it was terrible and it comes up EVERYDAY on your homescreen. i suggest NOT to buy this blog. for one reason it is a waist of money on this silly blog and my other reason is because, the jokes are inappropriate and have NO funny part of them.


Exactly! Don't waist your money on silly things with no funny part of them, switch to IBWMW today.


(photo)

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Holidays I Forgot to Celebrate and Other Things That Are Not About the Man Fucking the Hornet's Nest

Right, so I was all primed to write about that Swedish guy who died after fucking a hornet's nest (64 stings to the genitals! Hideously enlarged genitals!) except for the very annoying fact that the story turned out to be a hoax.

That's all I had, so I turned to you, dear readers, to come up with the rest of the post. And luckily, you were all over that.

Tricia, for example, shared the news of International Clitoris Awareness Week with the 1,065 citizens of In Bed With Married Women's Facebook page.  The event was organized by "Clitoraid," a Las Vegas-based group usually devoted to helping victims of female genital mutilation around the world. Unfortunately, the holiday was last week, so you are free to resume your usual baseline level of clitoral awareness. I bring it up, however, just so that I can say that "Clitoraid" sounds like the worst drink ever.

However, if you bought a bunch of festive clitoral holiday lights on clearance, hang 'em back up over the mantle, because Leah emailed the important news of a Masturbate-A-Thon to celebrate Masturbation Month.  "Are you participating?" she wrote, in what I took to be an unkind manner. I actually should have known about this since it was started in 1995 by my corporate overlords at Good Vibrations. (Enter GV104U for 10% off if you order something thru this link this month.) Unfortunately, Leah, I will not be participating in any of the festivities because public masturbation and ejaculation contests just make me want to put plastic slipcovers over everything. And not in a cool plastic fetish way, but a weird uptight lady way.


Meanwhile, lovely Brit Dicky Carter, who uses excellent words like "knackered" (translated from the British="tired"), sent along the article "Deep Inside the Biggest Little Dildo Factory in Texas" which is worth it for the pictures alone. Like this one of a woman facing yet another day of dildo vein-painting:
*sigh* 
  
And finally, I have some new pieces up at DAME magazine that could sure fucking use some comments on them. If you're feeling wordy, see also:

and this is probably the one you'd like best:
Five Things We Know About Societies Run By Women (matriarchy = more sex + flower rooms!)

xoxo
jill

P.S. I am housesitting and using my friend's computer.  Should I leave the photo of the dildo-painting lady on her computer? Her search history is already now a ravaged, slutty mess and I've only been here a couple hours. (Moral: It is unwise to let me housesit.)

(photo: Lady Cheeky)

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating

This is like the third time this has happened, but I was looking up the Amazon link for Naomi Wolf's book Vagina: A New Biographyfor a post I always claim I'm going to write, but somehow never do, and AGAIN I went completely off-track via some other enchanting vaginally-related product (see also: my Jezebel-disapproved post Vagina Panty).

Beauty Hole Ass Vagina
This time it was Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibratingprimarily because it's called BEAUTY HOLE ASS VAGINA WITH EGG VIBRATING.

Not quite familiar with what a Beauty Hole Ass Vagina can do for you? Let's have a look at the product description:

This lifelike masturbator.sexy inviting. Make materials use the latest simulation material, virtual touch that is with an extremely realistic feel,like that of the human body,if you close your eyes and touch the material,you can't tell the difference between it and human body. The comfortable handheld size also allows you to control the tightness as you are enjoying every last inch of the amazingly lifelike penetration! The Sleeve Sensations Thruster is ready for action any time or place you need a release!Sex toys bring more erotic pleasure to the world!Body Massager!Gentle or strong,Its up to you!Enjoy your happy life everyday!

I like how it's not just a product description, but also includes a guilt-reducer ("sex toys bring more erotic pleasure to the world") as well as the random exhortation  to "Enjoy your happy life everyday!" It's fine advice, but perhaps, well....unexpected in an product description for a disembodied Ass Vagina thing.

Anyway there's more:

Package include:
1x big ass
1x vibration bullet (batteries not include)


I heard nothing previously about this "big ass" but, to make sure you're not getting ripped off, please ensure that 1x big ass is indeed included with your package.

It also says this:
  • Size: about L13.6 x W9 x H6 (cm)
  • high qurlity tpr materibl
  • the feeline of mridens's skin
Which is....pretty fucking mystifying. Though perhaps not as much as the fact that there are only 2 of these Beauty Hole Ass Vaginas (new, thankfully) available for sale. Why only 2? Seems like if you were taking the time to get out the Beauty Hole Ass Vagina-Making Machine, you may as well set it to 50 or, hell, even 100.

And why is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina accompanied by a link for Adult Size Authentic Mexican Sombrero? What is the connection?

At the bottom of the screen, there is a little "ASK" box with the question "What do you want to know about Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating?"

But, you know what?  I am not going to ask. I think that, perhaps, there are some things we are just Not To Know. Let's leave the haunting mysteries of Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating to the ages.

xoxo
jill

ps If you're feeling it, see my DAME article on a dating web site for men with penises 7 inches or bigger.  Thank you to the Facebook IBWMWers (catchy? yeah. so not.) who helped in framing the assignment.

pps THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to the people last month who purchased stuff through the Amazon link in the upper right corner of the blog, the one (1) dear soul who bought something via the Good Vibrations ad, and the IBWMW Kindle subscribers who faithfully shell out their 99 cents every damn month. You all warm my heart more than you'll ever know.
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