Tuesday, November 15, 2011

This is Kind of A Strange Question, But Does Your Teddy Bear Have A Boner?

There are two types of inventors -- the Steve Jobs type, coming up with brilliant, useful products replete with zen-like beauty and then there is...everyone else.

Like whoever the fuck invented this thing, shown there on the left.

This product, as near as I can tell, is called This Teddy Bear Hides Your Sex Toys in a Secret Pouch. Which I guess is a good enough name since that's exactly what it is.

This poor Teddy is upsetting to me because I picture the dude who invented it (Yes, I know it's sexist, but in my mind, this inventor's a guy. And don't be trying to change my mind. I'm pretty firm on this one). Anyway I think of him coming home and telling his wife, "Baby, call your boss and quit your job at the cannery because right here, I've got our ticket out of this rat hole!" Then he proudly whips out the plans for This Teddy Bear Hides Your Sex Toys in a Secret Pouch.

The wife sighs quietly to herself. One gets the feeling that it's just the latest in a long line of sighs that have come with marrying this guy.

I mean, did he not think this through at all? There are so very many ways this is a bad idea.

--First and most importantly, a stuffed animal prominently displayed on the bed is not a guaranteed Mate Attracter. Many, I among them, would argue that it would be more accurately categorized as Mate Repellent.

--If you have kids and want to keep them away from something, a stuffed animal is most assuredly not your best bet. The vegetable drawer in the fridge might be a better choice, or hey, how 'bout trying the night stand drawer like everyone else in the world?

--Except for Plushies, bless those dear, dear stuffed animal fuckers (see also: I Am Going To Fuck You So Hard, Snuggle), stuffed animals and sex just don't go together. Can you imagine rolling about in bed with someone, they get a mischievous look in their eyes and say, "Would you like to try something new?" Then they seductively bring out... their Teddy Bear? No, no, no. And, btw, that sound you hear is genitals shriveling up and scurrying to find a safe place to hide under the bed.

--Pavlovian conditioning. You grab your Teddy Bear, you get out your toy, you have an orgasm. Repeat repeat repeat until, in your mind, Teddy Bear = orgasm. (see above, Plushies) 

--$39.99!  No way, mister, for that kind of money, I'll rip a sex toy hole in my own damn Teddy Bear.

--But main objection to the idea is, well, this:



P.S. I found this Back Boner-Having Teddy Bear at Shop In Private, a site featuring all manner of embarrassing products. Loved it as sort of an anthropological study about what sorts of things our society deems to be embarrassing. There were adult diapers, butt lifting lingerie, pubic wigs, lice shampoo, Journey cds, anal douches, back shavers, small sized condoms, cream to keep your balls smelling "fresh" and "The Big Boy Package Appearance Enhancer" (sold out).

Have a look, but be forewarned, when I was there, I inadvertently activated an informational video on the site, and some dude started talking about "coochie shaving cream" in a Really Loud Voice.


Princess Consuela Banana Hammock said...

I totally agree with you on the creepiness of this whole idea and also believe the maker of said product is a man. No woman in her right mind would ever think up something so dumb. A teddy bear...really? I used to sell sex toys (via pleasure parties) and we recommended keeping them each in their own separate cloth bag or even a plastic storage bag. As for where to hide them...yeah the night stand is usually a great place to start.

P.S. The embarrassing products paragraph had me in tears...thanks for brightening up my day! :)

Unknown said...

Yeahhhhh...just no. Hell no. Noooooo.

dirtycowgirl said...

I think, of all the blogs I've found this is possibly my favourite.

This post reminds me of a joke.
A woman goes back to a guys for the first time, when they get to the bedroom there are three shelves full of teddys.
She is impressed, as she takes this to mean that he is not afraid to show his softer side, and they have sex.
Afterwards he asks her how it was
"fantastic...how was it for you ?"
"great, help yourself to any one from the middle shelf".


Betty Fokker said...

Wait ... pubic wigs? Pubic wigs? And you chose to blog about dick-in-a-bear instead? Fine. I call dibs on pubic wigs.

Kate W said...

Ladies, Ladies. Please do not be under the impression your chosen toys of pleasure will be safe in the night stand. My 12 (going on 20) year old daughter found one such item (the Adam and Eve from A Summers) in my night stand and promptly asked me what it was for! Rather than dismissing the whole thing I calmly answered in an age appropriate manner explaining it was for self-stimulation during sex. Her question some months later was however slightly more difficult to answer.
'Mummy. What's a threesome?'

in bed with married women said...

This just in from the In Bed With Married Women Minister of Science:

"You really think this dude is married?"

Cagey-C said...

Ha! I was thinking along the same lines as the Minister of Science.

I'd be really curious how the product pitch went. 'No, no, see, chicks dig teddy bears, right? Yeah, chocolate's better, but I just can't figure out how to get the vibrator inside a candy bar. For the guys? Well, I was thinking about one of those old, large-sized GI Joe dolls where, if you bend it over at the waist, just so, you'll find the secret Fleshlight compartment....Oh, hell. Just give me a pubic wig and a back shaver.'

Can't keep anything to myself said...

Normally, I'd agree and say this is silly/weird, but just this morning I managed to lose my vibrator to my sock drawer in a moment of dire need! And there I was, shuffling through my socks, trying to keep the mood alive, and I could not for the life of me find the stupid, little velvet bag that I keep it in.
Which reminds me, I still need to find that shit...
Still not sure how I'd feel about storing it in a stuffed animal though... Maybe a pillow? Hell, maybe I should just cut a slit in my mattress...

in bed with married women said...

Princess--Now I am thinking of the Teddy Bear smelling improperly washed sex toys. So I too am in tears, maybe for a different reason than you.
Annabelle--Crap! That's what I got you for your birthday too. Awkward.
Dirtycowgirl--It actually took me til today to get the joke! Hope this doesn't make me less of your favourite. (And you know I dig that Canuck/Brit spelling.)
Betty--You are so very right. I stand corrected.
Kate-- Now I am wishing to hear everyone's sex toy traumas. New post idea? Dorothy (that's my new imaginary assistant), take a memo!
Cagey-C--"Oh hell just give me a pubic wig and a back shaver" (!) Nice!
Can't Keep--I do like picturing you just ripping open your mattress during the throws of passion. Will at least keep your suitor on his toes.

Belinda said...

At least the teddy bear makes it accessible. Hubby-dear is so paranoid that the kids will stumble upon our vibrator that he keeps it locked in a briefcase. I, of course, don't have the combination to the lock when I am alone and in need of such a thing (you know, after dreams of Javier Bardem coming up to my table wanting a threesome). Wait! Is hubby trying to tell me something?!

Anonymous said...

No, but a laundry basket named Reginald has been having an affair with my wife...http://www.oprah.com/own-bedroom-dr-laura-berman/The-Laundry-Basket .

I'm thinking of having an affair myself with a melon that's been sitting on the kitchen table since Thursday.

Jill Hamilton said...

Belinda--I think your husband may be getting suspicious of your frequent need of getting "carbon paper" from his briefcase. His tip off: people generally don't even use carbon paper anymore. aha!

Anonymous--I thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing me the lady who wants her laundry basket. She needs to just move out of town now, I'd say. You don't go telling everyone that #$#$. As for you and the melon, I say, make your move.