Thursday, January 13, 2011

Should You Fuck A Robot? Well...Maybe.

If you asked me yesterday what my opinion on robot sex was, I would have said--while backing away from you, claiming to have vague, but quite pressing errands to attend to--something dismissive about social misfits and sex dolls. But today as I was walking Daisy, I was pondering the concept of robot sex (well, what the hell do you think about when you walk your dog?) and my whole robot sex worldview radically shifted with one word: Pandora. Sweet sweet Pandora. Pandora, if you haven't had the pleasure, is an Internet radio station that picks music for you based on what you like.

I am half crazy in love with Pandora. If I could make out with it, I would. Pandora is like the best, most attentive lover ever. It knows exactly what I'd like to hear and when I'd like to hear it. It makes music choices that charm and delight me--"Following an obscure live Radiohead track with old Pogues? Pandora, how clever!" And Pandora doesn't just spew back what I put into it. Using some algorhythms that are probably highly creepy and may well be the ruin of us all, Pandora peers into my fucking soul, man, and knows what I want. Nay, what I need.

So here's my idea: what if a robot lover was like Pandora? What if using the same creepy-ass technology, Robot Lover could be exactly what you need, even if you didn't know what it was that you needed? In the h+ Magazine article, Sexbots Will Give Us Longevity Orgasm, writer Hank Hyena predicts that such sexbots are coming and will be a physician-recommended tool for longevity as present in American homes as Omega oil capsules and Zumba DVDs. Writes Hyena:
Remember the most convulsive, brain-ripping climax you ever had? The one that left you with "I could die happy now" satiety? Sexbots will electrocute our flesh with climaxes twice as gigantic because they'll be more desirable, patient, eager, and altruistic than their meat-bag competition, plus they'll be uploaded with supreme sex-skills from millennia of erotic manuals, archives and academic experiments, and their anatomy will feature sexplosive devices. Sexbots will heighten our ecstasy until we have frothy, shrieking, bug-eyed, amnesia-inducing orgasms. They'll offer us split-tongued cunnilingus, open-throat fellatio, deliriously gentle kissing, transcendent nipple tweaking, g-spot massage prostate milking dexterity, plus 2,000 varieties of coital rhythm with scented lubes.
Of course, sexual communion between real flesh-and-blood humans is transcendent and soul-igniting and all that, and yet...

Well, consider the Pandora factor. Maybe you'd be thinking you needed some soulful tender sex, but your sexbot would give you a spanking--and it would be exactly right. Or vice versa. (That is, you get the tender love, not that you spank the robot. Though of course you could. If it's been naughty. And that's the whole point, it's your sex fantasy robot--you can do whatever the hell you want.) You could set your 'bot to Javier Bardem one night, then the cute dad from school the next. Hell, set it to Carol Channing, if that's what you're feeling. Plus, you could have all the unhealthy brain fuck relationships you want with none of the painful psychic damage. That means you could set your sexbot -- full power! -- to Somewhat Insane, but Delightfully Passionate Philosophical Guy on Thursday, and Hilarious But Depressive Writer on Friday.

This all plays into an area which is endlessly fascinating to me--that is, the continuum and overlap between sex and love. I mean, you can have incredible sex with your hand or your vibrator or whatever but (most of us, at least) don't experience any kind of love feelings for them. Conversely, you can have emotionally intense sex with a live person but experience only mild physical sensations. Or some mix n' match combo therein. Where would these 'bots fit in? Would we fall in love with them? Or would we feel as romantically attached to them as we do to, say, our toasters?

What do you think about all this? (And if I were your sexbot, I would already know.)

P.S. Coming Next: "Should You Fuck A Robot? Well...Maybe Not."

(image source:


Annah said...

Never had the pleasure of Pandora (or the robot sex either). Robot sex? Let me think about it... I guess maybe. I think maybe. Yeah... Maybe.

Why not?

Well, as long as the penis isn't made out of tin. That would hurt (and not in the ways I like).

Unknown said...

The very idea of these bots terrifies me. Because I can assure you, if I have access to one of these, I'm not compromising with a HUMAN on how many times a week we should do it and whose turn it is to do the dishes.

It's one more way for us to become an utterly self-absorbed and socially retarded person.

SIGN ME UP! (Er....I can't....I want to...I can't...)

Bill said...

The greed people have their robots- they're called slot machines- so I think we lust people deserve robots too. The difference is that, while gambling machines rarely pay off, a sex machine would pay off every time, in the form of a nice orgasm.

Another reason sex machines are a good idea is that robots are now being built to do jobs that actual unemployed humans would be glad to have, like build cars or care for the elderly. Instead of replacing legal jobs with robots, we should use them to replace illegal ones, like prostitution. Then all the newly out-of-work hookers and call-girls can pursue their true avocations (like building cars and caring for the elderly) while our robot scientists busy themselves designing better and better machines for us all to get freaky with.

I imagine most of us will be too poor to own our own sex robots, so it'll be a rental business (more like prostitution than a relationship), with the very big advantage that the robot's sexy bits can be steam cleaned between customers to avoid the spread of STDs ("Get laid whenever you want... without the crabs!").

It'll also help people with all kinds of odd desires, as I'm sure the hardest part of fulfilling something like a "handjob from a woman wearing a dinosaur mask" fetish is getting up the courage to admit your fantasy to another actual human.

Candycan said...

I dunno, dont you think half the feeling comes from knowing the other person is into you?

Ed said...

Any guy who was a teenager when Blade Runner came out knows that's a big 10-4 on the robot-fucking.

Although, I suppose the calls to tech support could get a bit... awkward.

Fickle Cattle said...

Really? Robot sex? Between robots maybe, although I really cannot imagine it.

Anonymous said...

could you add me please

The Barreness said...

I'll have you know I have a very intense and deeply loving relationship with Jake (my vibrator who was named during an unhealthy obsession with The Gyllenhaal).

Also, I know exactly what would happen if I ever had a robot who gave me exactly what I wanted all the time. I'd be bored.

I know. I had one once.

Sadly, I think most women, in some deep, seedy part of us, dig the mind fuck of the bad boy or the drama of the wild man.

Furthermore, if I got what I wanted all the time, then I would have no need to punish he who had failed to give it to me and...where's the fun in that??

Lovin' you, MIss Jill.

- B x

Anonymous said...

The only reason why I don't like the idea is because I'm not a hedonist, and I wouldn't have the pleasure of reciprocity. You could do those things to a robot, but you would know the robot isn't sincerely appreciating it as a husband or a boyfriend would.

Anonymous said...

If you want to read a serious discussion of sexbots, check out