Friday, January 28, 2011

The Post In Which I Whore Myself Out For a $22 Piece of Thermoplastic Rubber


As I have incessantly harped on mentioned in passing, there are three ways I (theoretically) make money with this blog.
1. The Paypal donate button there on the right, which, quite frankly, I think is becoming rusted from lack of use.
2. Readers buying stuff through the Amazon search box here on the blog. (Valentine's idea: a Kindle pre-loaded with a thoughtfully chosen book. Go the Bill Clinton route and pop a little Leaves of Grass on there, or click on Project Gutenberg where there are a ton of free ebooks, including The Kama Sutra.)
3. Readers buying sexy things from Good Vibrations through this blog. I get a cut of the sales, which is why I'm always pimping their stuff, but I chose GV for a reason. I like that it's a company that works to educate people--women especially--on how to best enjoy their sexual selves. I love how free and open they are about sex on their site, with people blithely discussing their various sex toys and a whole sex education page covering topics from basics like How to find the G-spot and How to choose a vibrator to more advanced ones like How to pack a cock. I even love how they just say it outright--How to Pack a Cock--without the weird prudery that generally surrounds sex in our society.* The GV attitude is: You want to pack a cock? Great! Here's the best way to do it.

Good Vibes also gives me a monthly list of products I can give as prizes or review myself. As I was looking over the prize choices this month, I read the user reviews for the Flirty G Waterproof G-spot Vibrator. Reviewers were using words like "Wow!" "incredible orgasms" and "Oh...my...god!" so I impulsively decided, "Screw the readers, I'm getting this for myself." (Uh, no offense, readers.)

So, after running to the mailbox every day like a kid who had ordered X-ray specs from a comic book, it arrived and, with it, the disturbing knowledge that I would actually have to write about using it. (See also: "weird prudery" above.)

My husband was sick in bed that day so it was a good a time as any to get down with the Flirty G (which I don't actually call that, not even in my mind). One problem: I put the batteries in wrong and they got all hot and made a burning smell. Thus, my poor bedridden husband was accosted with me brandishing a bright blue, possibly burning sex toy, demanding that he fix it. Which, to his credit, he did.

Here's what I thought: it is quiet. Like so quiet I could be in the next room using it and you wouldn't even know. (Don't bother checking, I'm not.) It has 9 speeds, which I pictured going from 1 (mellow) to 9 (Help! Eggbeater on the groin!)  Speeds 1 to 3 do indeed increase in intensity, but 4-9 are various rhythms, whir-whir-whirrrrrrr, pause, whir-whir-whirrrrrr, pause and so on.

Yes, it looks weird, kind of like an IKEA coat hook, and why the hell does it have to be bright blue, and yet... It's designed to hit your g-spot, which--in one of the few fair things about getting older--becomes more findable as you age (see also: In Search of the Elusive Third Type of Orgasm). G-spot orgasms are more extended, deeper and, not to be an orgasm elitist, but just plain better. Explains reader Anne, who just wrote in the other day with the important news of her excellent g-spot orgasm.
I'm 42 and had one. I've never distinguished between vaginal and clitoral orgasms, it's just one big heap of pleasure felt all over. But this one? Completely different. I felt like I was lost in the orgasm and floating above myself witnessing it happen--all rolled into one. For lack of a better description I felt my uterus contract and every contraction was slow and deep, sending waves of pleasure up my stomach into my chest. It felt like the air was being forced from my lungs with every groan. I've heard too that things get better with age and I think I've gained a new erogenous zone that I didn't have a year or so ago. It's right above the mons pubis where the uterus and, bladder create that little bulge. GSpot? I don't know. It feels a little more pleasurable there, and deeper in feels even better still. I've never owned a gspot specific toy, but between the new erogenous zone and this orgasm I think I should correct that post haste. 
The Flirty G is waterproof so you can take it into the shower, but quite frankly, I was too scared to, fearing some sort of embarrassing accident involving me, the Flirty G and electrocution. Although if firefighters had to be called in it might not be so bad...

Anyway, I think I've spilled enough highly personal information and have more than earned my $22 toy. If you want one for yourself, click this link and order one, as Anne would put it, post haste. Oh, and in case you're concerned, GV doesn't tell me who bought things or who bought what or anything like that, so go ahead and get yourself some cock to pack--get a whole damn case of cock, why don't you?  I'll never know.


*I forget how bad the prudery still is. I recently used the word "bawdy" to some relatives of my brother. After rushing to the dictionary to look it up, they got all offended. By the dictionary definition of the word.

photo source: http://wickedknickers.tumblr.com/post/2654206040/1960s-playboy

8 comments:

Tricia said...

I LOVE the word bawdy.

Also, I have one of those vibes and it does nothing for me. The vibration is too weak. Does GV have a 'strong as a jackhammer' section? That takes a car battery, perhaps?

Asha said...

I just ordered a "friend" a few weeks ago and the post office is taken for-e-ver! My old one died. Now is the worst time for it to kick the bucket since my husband is on the other side of the world.
Also, I left a blog award for you on my site. When you get a minute go get it. :)
http://www.ashafullife.blogspot.com

jill hamilton said...

Tricia, maybe you need one with gas motor and pull cord, like with a lawn mower engine? For you, dear girl, I just spent some time reading the reader reviews on the infamous Hitachi Magic Wand Massager (http://www.goodvibes.com/display_product.jhtml?id=1-1-AB-BE01&kbid=41300) and it sounds like your cup of tea. Most of the reviewers were saying, basically, "yeah, it's loud and has a big ol' cord but holy fuck, i am in love." it also gives back massages.
Asha, thanks for the award! And a few weeks! That's way too long. Maybe Tricia will give you her used vibe that she doesn't like!

A Redhead Named Sam said...

This looks like an excellent Valentine's Day present!

Brandi said...

"cock to pack" I feel like a teenager giggling at that, but there you go...I though it was hillarous

Im totally trying out that flirty g thing though...never had that type of orgasm, but I have a retroflexed uterus...does that cause problems with that type of orgasms.

I have always wondered.

There goes my TMI.

Harleyq said...

Having never experienced a G-Spot "Big O," I find the idea titillating and am imagining the prospect of instant amazing "Big O's" every day quite exciting, beneficial to my co-workers and an improvement on my demeanor.

In other words "Sign me up!!

Cold As Heaven said...

I'm not sure what bawdy means, but I'll look it up in the dictionary ... and maybe I get offended ...probably not >:)

Cold As Heaven

The Barreness said...

I'm with Tricia.

If I'm not having to hold onto something due to the sheer force of the vibrations, it's just not gonna work for me.

Also, bright freakin' blue??

My Poppa Smurf fantasies ended years ago.

Mostly.

- B x

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