Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Female Condom, Where Art Thou?*

Ahhhh, remember the female condom?  Yeah, neither do I.  The poor old female condom seems like one of those ideas that got lost in time, like Esperanto or getting Americans to understand the metric system.  I mean, did any of you ever use a female condom?  Or even see one?  (If so, do tell.)

It's not much of a mystery why we aren't all using female condoms on a daily basis.  (Although I personally am wearing one right now.  You know, just in case.)  According to the Wikipedia entry on female condoms (because I am willing to spend minutes on research for you, dear reader), "reported 'rusting' sounds during intercourse turn off some potential users, as does the visibility of the outer ring which remains outside of the vagina."  Yes, the rubbery thing hanging out your nether regions seems like it would be a deal-breaker for most people, especially since the instructions for the contraceptive warn that the device should be hanging out  at least an inch.  Hanging out there an inch, flapping in the breeze.  Promotional materials also note that the female condom can be put in early.  "Honey, do I hear a rustling sound? And is that what I think it is hanging out your pants?  Oooh, baby."  As if all this weren't enough--and believe me, I think it is--the name given female condoms by the FDA is "vaginal pouches." 

The odd coda to all this that Female Health Company (FHC), the maker of female condoms, was just named 8th in the top 100 fastest growing publicly traded small companies by Fortune.  How can this be?    Well, it seems we have been distributing massive amounts to women in developing countries, like a mean big sister handing down clothing rejects.  "Here, these are totally lame.  But you might like them."

And btw, if all this talk of female condoms is making you hot, they're still available here in America from Good Vibrations. Order yourself a nice, big, tan-colored one. The one that really hangs out far.

*And yes, it is rerun week around here. If you don't like it, I am afraid I will have to advise you to suck it.


Unknown said...

So THAT'S why that one coworker always squeaks like a racquetball on court when she walks!

CkretsGalore said...

I actually had a couple as I used to go to women's clinics when I was young (and single) to grab free condoms and do the routine checks. They gave me a couple and I was intimidated by the sheer size and never even bothered.

Heather Freeman said...

I used one once. Hated the sound, and it wasn't comfortable at ALL. Kept pinching and pulling my pubes, among other things. I'll stick with the traditional male condoms, thanks.

FreeFlying said...

Has there ever been a man in the world who doesn't have at least a couple of condoms tucked somewhere on his person? Why would we need to take responsibility for that too? Goodness. It's like showing up to a potluck with cookies when somebody already signed up for them. But ours are all store-bought and hanging out of the package.

The Barreness said...

Bollocks to female condoms.

Women have enough sh*t to worry about, without hangins inch long tan coloured rubbers from the snatch in the hope that some bloke will come and fill it with his man juices.

Sorry boyz. You can wrap up and be thankful or bugger off.

Just me?

- B x

Ed said...

I cannot *wait* until I get my next office email that ends with "please advise".