Thursday, February 3, 2011

Guest Post: Molly Mounds from Scary Sextoy Friday, Plus I Digress

Mounds brandishing her
weapon of choice. 
As you just read .00054 seconds ago in the title, today's guest post is from Molly Mounds, penner of the accurately named Scary Sextoy Friday. Mounds, a writer and online smut peddler in Silicon Valley, reports that she "encounters many terrifying sextoys on a daily basis and chronicles them for your pleasure, dismay and horror." Last week's entry's was particularly heinous and I feel the urge--nay, the need--to pass it on to you. So without further ado, please give a warm welcome to Miss Molly Mounds and The Molestache:

OK, it's been awhile since I literally jumped out of my seat:


I don't even know where to start with this one; the creepy '70s molestache, the Jay Leno-sized chin, or how about the ROWS OF FUCKING SPIKES INSIDE?

Also, there's something oddly familiar about this...thing. 

It's reminding me of something...


Someone from my past...

Wait! I've got it!


There you have it folks: your childhood, ruined. Again.

You're welcome!

Again, that was Miss Molly Mounds at Scary Sextoy Friday.

Oddly, the Molestache also reminds me of a Jim Henson creature, only in my case, it's Cookie Monster.* I feel that this toy would, for sure, make a Cookie Monster-esque "Mmmwahhh, ummmmwha" chomping sound as it serviced your member.

Anyway, if I did have a member wishing to be serviced, I would be way too afraid to stick it in there. Who knows what the hell might lurk inside? If the scary pokey spikes are the thing you can see, I'm guessing something even worse hides in its bowels. An evil gnome? The entrance to Narnia? The imprisoned and miniaturized cast of Starsky and Hutch? I don't know, but I'm not hanging around to find out.

And you? Your thoughts?

* Addendum: I am not proud to admit this, but after writing this, I interrupted my important vacuuming duties and googled "cookie monster sex" to discover if anyone did, indeed, harbor sexual fantasies about the insatiable blue Muppet. Besides an oddly high number of Youtube videos of Cookie Monster having sex with, among others, Barbie and Elmo, I found the following chart from LA Weekly, detailing the results of a UCLA sex survey of college students.  The question here was: Which innocent childhood fantasies could best morph into adult sexual fantasies?

There's Cookie Monster, right there with a host of other WTF choices like "Strawberry Shortcake and Lemon Meringue," "My Little Pony" and "Oral Sex with Barney." Compared to these, Cookie Monster is starting to look sexier by the moment. At least he seems passionate. On the other hand, the Count is European, which might make up for his rather boring conversational skills...  Hmmm, I am assessing the sexual potential of various puppets--clearly it is time for me to return to my vacuuming.


Asha said...

That thing is by far one of the most terrifying things I have ever seen. I agree that it looks like it is from Jim Henson's muppet sex toy collection. Ew!

The Housewife said...

Oh, eeewwwwww. Do you see the prong thingies inside the mouth?? Eeewww.

Brandi said...

Great! Now Ill be thinking about sex with the count for the rest of the day. Aboslutely hillarious.

Mustache thingy not so funny. That looks like it could do some serious damage.

Unknown said...

I *so* did not need to think that about The Count. My weekend plans are ruined. He's gonna wonder why I'm giggling. :)

Ed said...

That is truly hideous. I'm going to have to give that the ABSOLUTE LOWEST POSSIBLE score on the guy "I would stick my thing in there" scale.... 5.5 out of 10.

The Barreness said...

I have no words, Jill.

But a slightly sick feeling?

That's here.

- B x

Unknown said...

Please don't mock my callowness when I say, and with utmost gravity, "how does that molestache even work?!" Seriously. I don't get it. It WOULD scare me, except I'm starting at it right now perplexed at how inscrutable it is. I guess this is what I get for being a teenager taking baby steps in the world of sex... That's a really interesting study, and I'm actually pretty happy to see pretty predictable answers such as "pink ranger," "teachers," and "babysitters." But fetishes I would think to be anomalies somehow turned up enough times to be counted... But OH GOD I finally died from laughter at the end.. seriously I could imagine posting a video of the count vigorously nailing a chick doggy style, while simultaneously (and in a detached manner) reciting, "One thrust... hahaha" Not too long ago my boyfriend and I were teasing each other about kissing. I asked for a thousand kisses and he says in typical Count impersonation, "one kiss *smooch* ah ha ha ha."