Wednesday, March 31, 2010

WAY Better Than Those Free Grocery Store Samples

Due to my corporate shillery for Good Vibrations sex toys, they have now made me an official "Product Reviewer."  This is probably not something I will put on my resume, but it does mean they send me lots of stuff for review.  And, as delightful as it would be to have an extra room festooned with various colored dildos and the like, I am willing to share the sex swag wealth with you, gentle reader.

Here's the deal, the first two people to respond will get one of the following products pictured below.  In return, you report back to us what you thought.  (Be truthful, don't be a big corporate kiss-up like me.) Now, Good Vibrations has all kinds of gyrating phallic things with buttons, multi-speeds and alarming-looking prongs, but we're gonna ease into all this.

First up for grabs is:

I Dare You--30 Sealed Seductions card game.  The cards are written by "sexpert" (and yes, it does pain me a little to use that word--thanks for asking) Susie Bright and contain activities for you and your partner to enjoy.  We are presuming that said activities are indeed seductive and not like, "Watch TV all night together while barely acknowledging each other's presence."

Monday, March 29, 2010

Female condom, where art thou?

Ahhhh, remember the female condom?  Yeah, neither do I.  The poor old female condom seems like one of those ideas that got lost in time, like Esperanto or getting Americans to understand the metric system.  I mean, did any of you ever use a female condom?  Or even see one?  (If so, do tell.)

It's not much of a mystery why we aren't all using female condoms on a daily basis.  (Although I personally am wearing one right now.  You know, just in case.)  According to the Wikipedia entry on female condoms (because I am willing to spend minutes on research for you, dear reader), "reported 'rusting' sounds during intercourse turn off some potential users, as does the visibility of the outer ring which remains outside of the vagina."  Yes, the rubbery thing hanging out your nether regions seems like it would be a deal-breaker for most people, especially since the instructions for the contraceptive warn that the device should be hanging out  at least an inch.  Hanging out there an inch, flapping in the breeze.  Promotional materials also note that the female condom can be put in early.  "Honey, do I hear a rustling sound? And is that what I think it is hanging out your pants?  Oooh, baby."  As if all this weren't enough--and believe me, I think it is--the name given female condoms by the FDA is "vaginal pouches."

The odd coda to all this that Female Health Company (FHC), the maker of female condoms, was just named 8th in the top 100 fastest growing publicly traded small companies by Fortune.  How can this be?    Well, it seems we have been distributing massive amounts to women in developing countries, like a mean big sister handing down clothing rejects.  "Here, these are totally lame.  But you might like them."

And btw, if all this talk of female condoms is making you hot, they're still available here in America from Good Vibrations.

More bad literary sex

A new reader who we shall not identify because he is a notable man about town writes:  "Just to join the fray...I put down Philip Caputo's latest book, 'Crossers,' immediately after reading this, on page 192:  Billy pumped her full of the sweet marmalade of his little limb.' Urf."

I am not quite sure what the exact translation of "urf" is, but it clearly applies here.  If you want to find out what happened to the "little limb" and its magical marmalade-pumping powers, you can order Crossers right this very minute through the little blue link.

And oh, we are loving this bad sex.  Readers, pillage your book shelves and send us more!  I simply must insist.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Bad literary sex...and not bad in a good way

I was once reading a racy romance novel (Yes, I had a romance novel phase. I am properly filled with shame over it so we needn't discuss it further) and just as the characters were going to fall passionately into bed, the author lapsed into a lengthy description of the apartment decor.  I would argue that it's difficult, nay, impossible to be in the throes of passion while simultaneously noting the delightful upholstery pattern on the curtains.  It completely ruined the moment.  And moment-ruining, my friends, is what makes for a bad literary sex scene.

Each year, The Guardian honors the worst of bad literary sex with the Bad Sex in Fiction Award.  The lucky winner in 2009 was Jonathan Littell's The Kindly Ones: A Novel.  A sample line: "I came suddenly, a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the inside of a soft-boiled egg."  Ugh!  Can we all just agree--right here, right now--that there should be no talk of soft-boiled eggs during sex?  Here are excerpts from some of the other contenders in 2009, if you can stand it.  

One of my favorites is 2008's To Love, Honour and Betray, Till Divorce Us Do Part by Kathy Lette.  (see others from 2008 here.)  Writes Ms. Lette:   "His towel fell away. Sebastian's erect member was so big I mistook it for some sort of monument in the centre of a town. I almost started directing traffic around it."  Thankfully she did stop herself from directing traffic around Sebastian's "erect member" because I can't imagine that going over well even under the best of circumstances.  

Have you ever come across a literary mood-killer?  Well, send it on in.  We love that stuff around here.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Green in bed

Despite my general distain for corporate America, I don't mind giving a shout-out* to venerable purveyor of sexual education, toys and general female-empowerment, GoodVibrations.

If you click this Good Vibrations link, you will see their welcome page featuring a photo of a nice young woman in a lovely field of wildflowers and the banner "Welcoming...Spring."  But you will probably not notice this.  What you will notice is the large, very yellow Spring silicon vibrator in the foreground of the photo.  "With Click n' Charge Magnetic Technology!" it reads.   I'm not quite sure what Click n' Charge Magnetic Technology is, but Good Vibrations is all into eco-friendly stuff like rechargeable batteries, natural ingredients and even vegan body balm, so it's probably something good.

If you're in the market for a festively yellow spring vibrator (which is actually mini-sized, it just looks all big in the picture), get yourself one right here.  I'm just trying to help you out here.  I think we all know that owning sex toys in passe winter colors is social suicide.

*In the fairness of full disclosure, In Bed gets a cut of your purchase.  In my opinion, that's all the more reason to order one right away.  But maybe that's just me.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Would you, could you, in a boat?

Do you talk, really talk, about your sex life with your friends?

As research for my book, I have been asking women this very question--yes, you would be wise to avoid me on the school yard--and have found that it's split about 50/50.  Some women have told me that they know a lot, maybe even too much, about their friends' sex lives.  Others would sooner strip naked at the PTA meeting than discuss anything like that.

Yeah, sex is beautiful and personal and all that, but why are some of us so loathe to talk about it?  I just happen to have a theory/manifesto about that.  See it for yourself right here.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Have sex, save money on Depends. It's a win-win thing.

If you are having trouble getting into the mood, picture this...if you dare: the future version of you wearing a big ol' pair of adult diapers.  Yes, adult diapers, while undoubtedly quite convenient, look really really bad under even the finest of jeans.  You can avoid such a fate simply by having some sex now and then.   Having frequent sex helps tighten the muscles of the pelvic floor, according to Newsweek, although they don't mention why they would happen to know this.  Tighter pelvic muscles means less peeing in the pants, and who, really, wants that?  (Yes, I know some of you do.  If so, I would direct you to Google using the search terms "pee" and "fetish."  You might, btw, want to switch your computer to private browsing for that particular search.)

But we digress, the point here is more sex = less peeing in your pants.   Feel like doing it now?  Yeah, I thought so.

Friday, March 19, 2010

True Wife's Tale #1: "Ally" and The Lifestyle (that's what the kids are calling swinging these days)

Our first true wife's tale is from "Ally," a 37 year-old woman who found that her secret to a good married sex life was not, say, taking a lively evening class at the community college, but embracing The Lifestyle.  "We get to explore a lot of our fantasies," says Ally.  "Some people never get to do that and get frustrated.  I think that’s why some people end up getting divorced or having affairs.  Shoot, if couples do it together, they can both have fun," she says jauntily.   Click here to read Ally's story.  To share your own story, click here.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

So not what I was expecting when you suggested Game Night

Let us pause for a moment and consider this item: Anal Ring Toss. Yes. Anal Ring Toss.

Okay, a). Ring toss is not a particularly entertaining game in the first place, b). Excessive cleaning of said toy would be required and c). And perhaps, most importantly, ring toss in the butt = so not hot.

"Stop moving, damn it! I'm trying to get a 6 pointer!"

What does this say about the state of married sex? I don't know, but it doesn't seem good.

I am plagued by unanswered questions about this Tweety Bird found on a nightshirt at KMart. What's with the jutting out hip? Is Tweety trying to be sexy? If so, is this designed to inflame the passions of a lover? And if your lover is indeed inflamed by the provocative Tweety, isn't that a problem of its own? Your input, please.

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