Monday, March 29, 2010

Female condom, where art thou?

Ahhhh, remember the female condom?  Yeah, neither do I.  The poor old female condom seems like one of those ideas that got lost in time, like Esperanto or getting Americans to understand the metric system.  I mean, did any of you ever use a female condom?  Or even see one?  (If so, do tell.)

It's not much of a mystery why we aren't all using female condoms on a daily basis.  (Although I personally am wearing one right now.  You know, just in case.)  According to the Wikipedia entry on female condoms (because I am willing to spend minutes on research for you, dear reader), "reported 'rustling' sounds during intercourse turn off some potential users, as does the visibility of the outer ring which remains outside of the vagina."  Yes, the rubbery thing hanging out your nether regions seems like it would be a deal-breaker for most people, especially since the instructions for the contraceptive warn that the device should be hanging out at least an inch.  Yes, hanging out there an inch, flapping in the breeze.  Promotional materials also note that the female condom can be put in early. Perhaps as a way to pre-tease you lover via rustling sounds and the obvious visual.  "Damn girl, is that what I think it is hanging out your pants?"  As if all this weren't enough--and believe me, I think it is--the name given female condoms by the FDA is "vaginal pouches."

The odd coda to all this that Female Health Company (FHC), the maker of female condoms, was just named 8th in the top 100 fastest growing publicly traded small companies by Fortune.  How can this be?    Well, it seems we have been distributing massive amounts to women in developing countries, like a mean big sister handing down clothing rejects.  "Here, these are totally lame.  But you might like them."

And btw, if all this talk of female condoms is making you hot, they're still available here in America from Good Vibrations.


Anonymous said...

Oddly, I just read that they're making a bit of a resurgence here in the US again recently which kinda surprised me. I'm guessing with the economy the way it is, women want to be even more sure that they don't want to get into a situation that's completely unmanageable.
Hey, if you keep writing this awesome blog, are you going to have a s much time to walk your dog around the neighborhood? ;-)

Anonymous said...

My nether regions will pass, thank you very much. Funny stuff!

DeliaDelish said...

OMG, I am so crying and peeing my pants right now. I can't stop reading your blog but this is the funniest thing by far. Love it.

Anonymous said...

At 58, I have never seen one f/c and I'm not sure what I would if I did. Should a gentleman just lay back and let the lady take the lead? Or maby offer to help with it??

Robin Wolfe said...

I tried them once. Imagine one of those small plastic bags that you put produce in at the grocery store. At either end, attach one of those silicone message bracelets that people wear to support various charities.

Now take that bag and stick it in your cooter (remember to squeeze the bracelet at the inside end so you can get it up there), and slop some lube inside it so the guy doesn't feel quite as much like he's fucking a plastic bag. Remember to keep reaching down during the act to make sure it isn't sliding out, or in, or perhaps disappearing into the Rift.

That's what it's like to use a female condom.

Ames said...

I'll be very intrigued if a better version of a female condom ever comes out! This cannot be the only way! I also indulged in a quick google search and read "baggie" so many times in 2 minutes that to save my libido, I will certainly avoid looking it up again for a while.

in bed with married women said...

Ames. ha ha!
and Robin ha ha as well. 4 years later. guess I should answer more promptly.