Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Who's Up For A Little Bad Sex?

Jezebel bravely asked their readers to submit their tales of bad sex and have compiled the finest in The 10 Worst Sex Stories. At first I was bitterly jealous I hadn't thought of such a great idea.  However, I was appeased somewhat by the enchanting fact that they discovered an entire sub-category of bad sex called "surprise anal." ("Surprise Anal"--part of the new fall line-up on NBC!)

My favorite of the worst sex stories is the first entry which reads:
I met some guy at a party, and ended up going to his house... Mid-thrust, he started laughing manically and yelled "I am fucking an alien princess! I am fucking an alien princess!" I, far too sober, immediately stopped, and then had to listen to him say, with wide eyes: "your vagina looks like the fridge scene in Ghostbusters." I fell asleep and woke up in the morning to him eating a whole key lime pie in bed. Not even looking over at me, he said: "you can't have any." I walked home.
It's the end touch of the unshared key lime pie that makes that story great for me. Although entry number 5, which had 10 distinct points of badness, was also pleasingly bad. I love that the sex was so heinous that this chick felt the need to quantify the exact badness with a numbered list, including a 5b. (I sense a Powerpoint presentation coming on.) In the interest of space, I will list only four of her points here:
2. the dirty talk came in full sentences- each one had a subject and predicate. such as...
3. "you are my sexy little socialist." (he is a republican and i am not) definitely not the venue for political discourse of any kind, let alone when said during one of the many time that he....
4. stopped f*cking so he could stare into my eyes. no joke, at least a dozen times he pulled back to give me this puppy dog face because somehow during this farce he'd decided we were soul mates.
5. he kept going soft, which wouldn't have been so god awful if he didn't stop to blame the condom each time. and in the manner of a stand-up comic. "what, are these condoms made out of lead or something?!"
If you are way into bad sex (and who isn't?), you can read through all the contenders in their painful, body-fluid-spewing, surprise-anal glory, here in the original Jezebel article.

Reading about all this hideous sex got me to thinking--surely all of us here at In Bed With Married Women have better bad sex stories that those! (Uh, did that sound kind of insulting? No offense...) Let's hear about your worst sex. You can drop us an email, if you're the shy type, or add your story as a comment below (remember: you can always comment anonymously.)

I am still undecided as to my worst sex--not that you asked. Was it the first kiss in the junior high parking
lot in which the guy's teeth were somehow way too involved? Or was it the time my neighbor interrupted by coming to the door (which is right by my bedroom window) and, in apparent disbelief that we weren't home, proceeded stand outside trilling, "Yooo-hooo!" (In case you were wondering: "Yoo-hoo" is not sexy talk.) Or perhaps it was the time my mother-in-law unexpectedly opened the bedroom door and found us in flagrante delicto and, all equally stunned, we all froze silently in our respective positions as though participating in some sort of avant-garde performance art game of freeze tag.

But onto happier topics, like your bad sex. Think of some, write it down, send it in.

6 comments:

Mrs Midnite said...

Liking you blog! Worst sex, urm night my boyfriend decided he would take one of my tablets just to see ??? Turns out they cause ome erectile disfunction in men. I'd put my nice knickers on too, what a disappointment.

Anonymous said...

While on top and getting in a nice rhythm...my partner kept moving and talking about random shit. I couldn't tell you exactly what he was saying because I wasn't really listening to him...I was trying to keep my rhythm and get the job done. Finally after 5 minutes of his non-stop rambling and moving around, I shouted "Who you just shut and sit still?!" The next thing I know...he is sobbing like a little bitch saying he feels used and like a piece of meat! Seriously?!

Anonymous said...

The guy was on top and seemed like he was getting tired so I said, "Why don't I be on top?" He said, "Um, I just had an orgasm." Awkward. I'm not sure if the bad sex was me being unobservant or him having a barely noticeable orgasm.

wendy said...

I had had a crush on this guy for like, two years when i finally got up the courage to seduce him. He wanted to do it with lights on and with No foreplay whatsoever starts banging away like he's on speed or something and I'm his indestructible sex doll. Then about 2 minutes in he suddenly stops and looks down at me and says "this isn't going ruin our friendship is it?" Funny, I never got the chance to ask him how he would have responded if I'd told him the truth. That was 18 years ago and still hunch my shoulders when I think of him that night.

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend Eddie was an engineer for one of the big 3 auto makers, and his idea of sexy was a fast red car. He would show me pictures of fast red cars in glossy magazines, with the hope that I might take on some of their sexy qualities and fulfill his deepest fantasies. One day he brought me red lingerie: a tight bodice, a g-string, sheer stockings, and a pair of garters. It took forever to suit up...I was in the bathroom trying to wrestle it on for a good half-hour. Back in my room, Eddie was waiting. And waiting. And getting more and more irritated that his red hot fantasy was not riding in fast enough. Finally I rolled into the bedroom wearing the getup. Something wasn't quite right about the g-string, though. It was neither sleek, nor aerodynamic. It had a baggy, pouchy, wind catching shape in the front. I grabbed a pair of socks and stuffed them into the man pouch on the front of the g-string, then did a cheerful pelvic thrust dance for Eddie. I have never seen someone get so mad! I completely screwed up his fantasy! I was slow. I was not aerodynamic. I crashed his sexy car = sexy woman ideal with a single, mocking, cross-dressed pelvic thrust! We broke up a few days later.

Anonymous said...

Oh my. Those worst bad stories at Jezebel are absolutely classic. One time, I wanted a NSA-style encounter with an older gent, so I posted an ad on Craigslist. I found one that sounded like fun. We met at a hotel room, popped some bubbly and touched each other for arousal for a good thirty minutes. I finally started going down on him, and he was moaning his appreciation. Well, he started thrusting a little too hard (after I already told him to let me do my thing) and caught his dick on one of the sharp, pointy things on the inside of my teeth (they were supposed to secure little rubberbands). He didn't bleed profusely, but it was definitely a little frightening to see blood trickle out of the head of his penis. He was a good sport about it, and even ate me out after that, but he never called me. Wonder why...

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