My favorite of the worst sex stories is the first entry which reads:
I met some guy at a party, and ended up going to his house... Mid-thrust, he started laughing manically and yelled "I am fucking an alien princess! I am fucking an alien princess!" I, far too sober, immediately stopped, and then had to listen to him say, with wide eyes: "your vagina looks like the fridge scene in Ghostbusters." I fell asleep and woke up in the morning to him eating a whole key lime pie in bed. Not even looking over at me, he said: "you can't have any." I walked home.It's the end touch of the unshared key lime pie that makes that story great for me. Although entry number 5, which had 10 distinct points of badness, was also pleasingly bad. I love that the sex was so heinous that this chick felt the need to quantify the exact badness with a numbered list, including a 5b. (I sense a Powerpoint presentation coming on.) In the interest of space, I will list only four of her points here:
2. the dirty talk came in full sentences- each one had a subject and predicate. such as...If you are way into bad sex (and who isn't?), you can read through all the contenders in their painful, body-fluid-spewing, surprise-anal glory, here in the original Jezebel article.
3. "you are my sexy little socialist." (he is a republican and i am not) definitely not the venue for political discourse of any kind, let alone when said during one of the many time that he....
4. stopped f*cking so he could stare into my eyes. no joke, at least a dozen times he pulled back to give me this puppy dog face because somehow during this farce he'd decided we were soul mates.
5. he kept going soft, which wouldn't have been so god awful if he didn't stop to blame the condom each time. and in the manner of a stand-up comic. "what, are these condoms made out of lead or something?!"
Reading about all this hideous sex got me to thinking--surely all of us here at In Bed With Married Women have better bad sex stories that those! (Uh, did that sound kind of insulting? No offense...) Let's hear about your worst sex. You can drop us an email, if you're the shy type, or add your story as a comment below (remember: you can always comment anonymously.)
I am still undecided as to my worst sex--not that you asked. Was it the first kiss in the junior high parking
lot in which the guy's teeth were somehow way too involved? Or was it the time my neighbor interrupted by coming to the door (which is right by my bedroom window) and, in apparent disbelief that we weren't home, proceeded stand outside trilling, "Yooo-hooo!" (In case you were wondering: "Yoo-hoo" is not sexy talk.) Or perhaps it was the time my mother-in-law unexpectedly opened the bedroom door and found us in flagrante delicto and, all equally stunned, we all froze silently in our respective positions as though participating in some sort of avant-garde performance art game of freeze tag.
But onto happier topics, like your bad sex. Think of some, write it down, send it in.