Friday, May 21, 2010

The Mail's Here!

Let's see what that nice young postal worker has brought today...

"Great, so now every time I read something sex-related, I will think of you," wrote a reader who was sending in some blog fodder, "This could go awry very easily." Dear reader, I apologize for my unexpected guest appearances in your sex-related thoughts. I will try to tiptoe unobtrusively out the back door. However, you will be relieved to know my unexpected guest appearances in such thoughts is distressingly common these days, much like Charo's many "special" Love Boat appearances in the 70s. Whenever someone comes to me with an "I saw this and thought of you...," I mentally gird myself for something that should probably not be discussed in polite company.

Like this article on The World's Oldest Sex Toy from a reader in Los Angeles. According to the story:
Scientists believe they have found the world's oldest sex toy after piecing together more than a dozen fragments to create a 30,000 year old ice age penis.

A spokesman for the University of Tubingen where the prehistoric tool is being studied added that when it was not being used as a sex aid - the prehistoric penis was used to light fires.

The eight-inch stone penis has marks where it was clearly used for striking against flints - and scientists say the size and shape and polished appearance leave little doubt as to                                         the other use of the sex toy.
I like to picture the scientists carefully piecing stones together, then coming up with...this. Perhaps they spent a few hours earnestly discussing its practical use as a fire-lighting aid, as no one wanted to be the first to announce, "Er, is anyone else thinking it looks kind of like a big penis?" I am also pleased by our prehistoric ancestors' tool multi-tasking ability. Fire-starter/dildo--all in one. "Hey, Okk, you seen our fire-lighting tool? Oh, I see you're using it. Yikes, no, don't hand to me! Yeah, uh, you just keep at it. I'll go rub some sticks together or something."

Okay, what else is in this mail bag? Let's see here. A Japanese reader sent in a comment written entirely in Japanese. My Japanese is a little rusty so I tried running it through a couple online translators and it seems to be something about "the toy hole lotion intense cheaply pole of the large-sized name vessel." Good to know.

And finally,

we received  a YouTube video ad for the Better Marriage Blanket. It is a blanket that contains a layer of space-ace fabric that absorbs "offending molecules," i.e. a spouse's flatulence. The ad is kind of gross and I'm not entirely sure that it's real but I did enjoy one person's wise comment, "Works great--until the cat claws it and years of stored fart particles are released like an atomic fart cloud." And on that disgusting note, we will leave you to your weekend. Stay classy, my friends.


DanWins said...

Its entirely possible that it was used as suggested, but did they not think that maybe it could have been used like a mortar and pestal and THAT could account for the smooth polished appearance?

Suzie Wong said...

I saw the picture and it hooked me to the article. Now why can't my postman bring me one of those?