Monday, May 31, 2010

Bad Sex, An Update

Our favorite bad sex story thus far comes from one Anonymous (sort of the Smith or Garcia surname among In Bed With Married Women readers.) Miss Anonymous writes:

My boyfriend Eddie was an engineer for one of the big 3 auto makers, and his idea of sexy was a fast red car. He would show me pictures of fast red cars in glossy magazines, with the hope that I might take on some of their sexy qualities and fulfill his deepest fantasies. One day he brought me red lingerie: a tight bodice, a g-string, sheer stockings, and a pair of garters. It took forever to suit up...I was in the bathroom trying to wrestle it on for a good half-hour. Back in my room, Eddie was waiting. And waiting. And getting more and more irritated that his red hot fantasy was not riding in fast enough. Finally I rolled into the bedroom wearing the getup. Something wasn't quite right about the g-string, though. It was neither sleek, nor aerodynamic. It had a baggy, pouchy, wind catching shape in the front. I grabbed a pair of socks and stuffed them into the man pouch on the front of the g-string, then did a cheerful pelvic thrust dance for Eddie. I have never seen someone get so mad! I completely screwed up his fantasy! I was slow. I was not aerodynamic. I crashed his sexy car = sexy woman ideal with a single, mocking, cross-dressed pelvic thrust! We broke up a few days later.
Anonymous adds:  "I apologize that my bad sex doesn't contain any actual sex." Hey, girl, anyone who has the (sock) balls to do such an awesome fantasy-ruining cross-dressing pelvic thrust doesn't owe us any apologizes. Although I have to admit, I harbor an embarrassing desire to see a slo-mo recap of Eddie's expectant face slowly changing to horror--"Ooooh, noooooooooooo," he cries in a deep, low 33 rpm voice-- as his fantasy goes terribly, terribly wrong.

In Bed With Married Women is still collecting your bad sex stories, because we're weird like that. Drop us an e-mail or add a comment below. Maybe your moment of shame could be immortalized in its own post too!


Blasé said...

Is this one of those sex blogs??

Why do women constantly think about sex and their vaginas?

Tim Grobaty said...

Yeah, whereas men never think about sex or their vaginas.

Anonymous said...

I want to be BFFs with the author of this missive.