Swings of Desire, aka, Ovulation = Beer Goggles?

Is this chick ovulating?  Check out her
clingy clothes, symmetrical boobs,  the
manly companion... Signs point to "yes."

"People like to forget that we're animals, tied to the Earth and the tides," says a friend with a penchant for making such delightful proclamations. Yes, we think we're making rational decisions, exercising our free choice, and all that... but half the time--hell, maybe all the time--we're just blindly responding to our hormonal instructions like remote control cars in the hands of a sugared-up kid. To wit: a recent study showing that women buy sexier, clingier clothes while ovulating. (To those who spent sex ed class giggling in the back of the class: ovulation is the woman's fertile period. And if you don't start paying better attention, I'm going to have to break out my diagram of the female reproductive system.) One of the study's researchers--sounding less like a scientist and more like an evil cyborg villain from a future dystopian universe--noted a way that corporations could cash in this phenomenon by hitting up the ovulation-crazed females ready to shell out cash on push-up bras and the like:

"Our findings suggest marketers for many types of female products are well served to strategically time their mailings, coupons, electronic solicitations, and direct requests to the specific window when women are ovulating."

It's evil, I tell you! (Presumably the marketing flyers for unsexy clothes would arrive a couple weeks later. JC Penney's, it's your time to shine!) But ovulating women aren't spending all their time buying sexy clothes, they're mindlessly obeying their hormones in myriad ways. Women's voices get higher-pitched during ovulation, they walk differently, prefer more masculine faces and are more susceptible to pick-up lines. During this period, they're also more likely to fantasize about someone other than their partner. (For your consideration: Javier Bardem in that scene in Vicky Christina Barcelona where he seduces two women by telling them, "Life is short, life is boring, life is full of pain," thus, they should immediately run off to an island with him for the weekend.)

Um...what was I saying, oh yes, during ovulation, women's bodies change like some mutant Transformer, except instead of becoming robots in disguise, our ears, fingers and breasts get more symmetrical and skin color lightens. (Cue creepy sound effect to signify mutation.) Women actually get observably prettier, and subjects consistently rate ovulating women as more attractive.

And it's not just the ladies going all crazy with the hormones. Men think ovulating women smell better, they get more jealous of dominant males when their partner is ovulating and they give ovulating strippers more tips. ($70 an hour for the ovulating strippers vs. only $35 for the menstruating ones, but I'm guessing that's because the menstruating ones were probably sobbing in the corner, complaining that everyone had become a complete asshole.)

It all seems a little complex. I don't see why humans didn't just adopt the chimpanzee method of the females developing a big swollen pink butt when they're ready to go. It's a simple, obvious and clear signal of willingness. Although, admittedly, the pink butt route has its own drawbacks. Swollen pink butts do in fact make your butt look fat in those jeans, and pink butt makes it much more difficult to play it coy.

Female: Hmmm...I don't know if I'm interested...
Male: Uh, I can see your big ol' pink butt, you know.
Female: Oh, yeah, right....Let's go back to your place then.

Several friends and I have noticed that as we've entered our 40s, our cyclical swings of desire have become much more pronounced. One week we'd rather read a book, the next we're eying the bag boys at the grocery store. (Has the guy who brings the carts in always been so smokin'?) It's like when we're into it, we're WAY into it--like Superfreaks--and when we're not, well, eh, whatever. So here are your questions for the day: Are you elderly like us and is this happening to you as well? If so, is this an actual physical phenomenon, or have we just become more attuned to the rhythms of our bodies? And you too, men, how is your desire changing as you age? Comment below, or drop us an email.

True Wife's Tale #3: Noelle, Finding Sex Outside Of Her (Practically) Sexless Marriage

(You have arrived in the midst of a grand celebration in which we're running IBWMW's all-time favorite Real Sex Lives. This one is way from the beginning of the blog when I was trying to do a sociological take on marital sex. So I started talking to women about their stories, asking them excessively personal questions like a overly randy Studs Terkel).

"I have a sex drive like a man's," says Noelle. For almost 20 years, she tried to get her husband to move beyond their once-a-month, routine sex, but for whatever reason, this made him uncomfortable. Not only did this do a number on her self-esteem, but it deprived her of the fulfilling sex life she felt she deserved. Noelle, a vibrant, bright, gorgeous woman, wasn't ready to accept a practically sexless existence for the rest of her life, but also wasn't willing to break her marriage up over it. Her solution? Noelle, who travels for business, started picking up men she meets when she's out of town. In her mind, it's the perfect solution. Her marriage stays together, she is no longer pestering her husband for sex and, well, I'm sure picking up some dude in the hotel bar is a lot more entertaining than my general hotel plan, i.e. bedridden and watching excessive amounts of cable.

In Bed: What has been your experience with married sex?

Noelle: Well, unfortunately I got one of the few men who isn’t thinking about sex all the time. I don’t know how or why that happened, but my husband and I don’t have a lot of sex and, when we do, it’s pretty much the same.

In Bed: Did you ever try to get him to expand his sexual horizons?

Noelle: I went through a stage where I was trying everything I could think of. I would buy sexy lingerie, and come out wearing it, and literally get told, “Yeah, you’re in the way of the television.” It was kind of like the jokes on “Married With Children.” I tried buying toys, and that intimidated him. I tried telling him fantasies. And, not only did it not turn him on, it was almost the opposite. He seemed almost offended by what he viewed as my being kinky.

In Bed: How did that make you feel?

Noelle: Like crap. (laughs) I started wondering what was wrong with me. I thought I looked pretty good. I’m not fat. I keep myself up. I wear sexy clothes. But I never said anything about my situation to anyone. I was way too embarrassed to say, “My husband’s not interested in me.”

In Bed: Did you decide that you’d just have to accept the situation?
Noelle: It wasn’t acceptable. But we have three children, and I didn’t want to break up--I still don’t want to break up--that family unit. It just doesn’t seem right for them to have to pay for what’s going on. But the thought of once a month, boring sex with no orgasms going on for the rest of my life was not acceptable. I just didn’t know what I was going to do about it.

In Bed: You sound like you figured something out.

Noelle: I’m not proud of it, but yeah, I did. It kind of happened by accident. I got a new job a couple of years ago that requires me to travel. Around that time, I think I was going through some kind of mid-life crisis and had a lot of things going through my head. And suddenly I had this opportunity. I think it was on the third trip that I met someone who I found very attractive. I could tell that I was attractive to him as well. He smiled across the room, kind of the typical stuff. He came over and talked to me. He was married as well and had been married for many years. We spent many hours, talking and flirting--something I hadn’t done in God knows how long. I felt really really attractive and very sexual. We ended up having a one-night stand.

In Bed: How was it?

Noelle: It was fantastic.(laughs) He was the best kisser imaginable. It was very very intimate and it went on for hours. It was like nothing I’d ever had. I’m not going to say it was easy. I had never done that before so that was hard. And because of our situations, we never kept in contact. I got hurt emotionally and that was very very hard. But the sexual part of it was incredible.

When I went back home, I felt bad, and I tried to make it work with my husband. I bought new clothes and tried again to be really sexy and extra nice. But everything was still the same. I think in my mind, I just reached the conclusion, “He isn’t interested and this really isn’t hurting anyone, so this is what I’m going to do.

In Bed: How many times have these affairs happened?

Noelle: Eight, nine, something like that. Definitely under ten. It doesn’t happen every time, but when I go on these trips, if there is someone that I feel real sexual attraction to and who makes it apparent that he feels that way for me as well, we hook up.

In Bed: Describe an encounter.

Noelle: Once after a meeting, a group of us went out and had drinks. I saw another person at the bar. This person wasn’t on a trip--it was a local person. We were kind of looking at each other, but there were other people around and I didn’t want anyone to know. I was very careful about it. I just kind of stayed. Some of the other people wanted me go back with them, but I said, “No, no, I’m fine.” Once they left, he walked over and we started talking and he was just extremely sexy. We started talking about things, sexual things, and he started hinting around about things he liked to do. It was so different. My husband would never--the thought of these things would turn him off. And here’s someone saying “I’m very interested. Would you be interested?” in a very hot way. And I was interested. We went back and did things that I had only imagined.

In Bed: Are these encounters quickies or are they longer than that?
Noelle: The first one was hours. I had one for two nights that lasted for hours. But yeah, there have been a couple where it’s been quick and that’s really hard. There was one man in particular who left fairly quickly afterwards. I don’t know if that’s just a man-woman thing, but that was a little difficult to have him basically say, “Gee, thanks” and walk out. But that really hasn’t been the regular case.

I take it you want some details.

In Bed: Okay.

Noelle: One man I was with was very adventurous. While we were making out, which went on forever, he started asking me what I liked best. He told me, “Whatever you want, I’ll do.” I mean, I was like “Oh, God!” He could last a long time and he kept on changing positions. It was something I’d never had happen. He’d start face to face, then turn me around, then put legs here, then let’s go to the edge of the bed, let’s stand, let’s turn you again. Some of the positions were very effective, so to speak. There were things like going from behind and putting the legs together. It created a lot more stimulation.

In Bed: Hmmm, thanks for the tip.

Noelle: Another one that particularly sticks out is a man who could really talk dirty. He said, “Do you want me to eat your pussy?” and before I could answer, he was there doing it. He told me what to do, like, “Take off my pants. If you want me, you have to do it.” My husband had no interest in that kind of talk so to have someone say these things was a very big turn on. It was the total contrast. And the feeling of being so desired--that someone would be so turned on that they would want to do and say these things was--and is--such a reason that I think it’s becoming addicting.

In Bed: Are there any of these guys you’d like to see again?

Noelle: I was at one place and I saw this very young guy. I was initially wildly attracted to him. He had tattoos all over his arms--I guess you call them sleeves--which is not something I would normally go for. I walked over to him--which is not normally the case. We talked maybe 20 or 30 minutes before we went to his room. It was this wild rush. I had literally only seen this guy for 20 minutes. We knew what we were going to do. It was like a chemical reaction. He was just so hot that I really didn’t care. (laughs)

He had to rush out and get condoms. When I was in the room waiting--it was probably one of the most exciting things ever--sitting there thinking that he was rushing out to get condoms for me. And he did some things that I don’t think I ever really thought about being done.

In Bed: Such as?

Noelle: Oh wow. I’m a little embarrassed to say. I had never had anyone try to go through the back door, so to speak. He didn’t do that, but he put his finger in there. The shock lasted two seconds, then it felt incredible. It really wasn’t dirty. He was so gentle, and it felt fabulous. I think the shock part of it added to it because I never even thought someone would do that. He didn’t ask, but it wasn’t done in a mean, degrading way. This was something that he knew was going to be a turn-on and it really was. I lost my mind. He was going down on me at the same time so it was like, “Okay, this is incredible.” When you have a husband that doesn’t really like doing oral sex, then you have someone doing this, it was just mind-blowing. And after we were done, I swear, it only took him a minute before he told me he could go again. He’s actually the only man, besides my husband, that I’ve spent the night with, that I slept next to. Of anyone that I think of, he would be fun to meet again. Definitely.

In Bed: Is this a satisfactory situation for you then?

Noelle: Ideally, no. It’s not my ideal, but my husband doesn’t seem to suspect. I don’t think it even crosses his mind. So I don’t feel too bad because he’s not getting pressure from me and I’m still giving him what he wants. I’m very careful. I don’t do anything to put him at risk--which sometimes stinks because it would be hotter to be able to be a little reckless. Doing this keeps our family intact. I wish I didn’t have to do this, but there’s a real rush that comes from being out there and having someone finding you so hot and wanting you--especially after being with someone that doesn’t find me that sexy for whatever reason.

In Bed: What do you think your husband would do if he found out?

Noelle: He can’t ever find out. As a mother, I don’t want my kids to ever know. It’s not something that can come out. I think because it’s far away and because there are no entanglements--there are no phone numbers exchanged, there’s nothing along those lines--I feel it’s pretty safe. I don’t even flirt in front of coworkers. No one suspects anything. I think sometimes they just think I’m boring and want to stay in my hotel, stay in my room.

In Bed: Do you feel guilty?

Noelle: I feel guilty, but I do think that once you cross that barrier, it’s a lot easier to do it. But yeah, you definitely feel guilty. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. I never thought that I would be doing this. When people read this, a lot of people will probably think, “This woman is just out whoring. What’s wrong with her? Can’t she be faithful?” And I think, “Why am I doing this? Why is this so important to me?” But I think biologically it just is. Sex is a basic need that needs to be met. In my case, I feel like I did everything possible and the options were either to break up my family and really hurt my kids, to be dissatisfied forever, or to do what I’m doing. Eventually I’ll probably stop, but not right now.

(image: some hotel room in Columbus, Ohio)

A Little Sensory Exercise For Y'all

Sometimes my body seems like it's merely a transportation device designed to get me from one school function, sporting event, or whatever else boring-ass mom-ing around thing is on my calendar. This is not good, my friends, as the world is full of tactile sensations to behold and a body that is just propelling its owner on errands is a big ol' waste. Now I'm sure that you are fully in touch with your sensory side -- but I'm going to admit that sometimes I need to reminded how damn cool the sense of touch is.

Luckily, this is easy to do -- just be in your body and notice what's going on. Here, I'll even give you a starting point:

A friend of mine was on medication that dulled of his sense of touch. (A "possible side effect" courtesy of our corporate overlords at Big Pharma.) When he went off the medication, his sense of touch returned and he was struck anew with the wonder of it.  Even the experience of taking a shower, he said, was almost overwhelming with the sensations of it all.

The next time I took a shower, I pretended that my sense of touch had just returned and paid ultra-close attention to the tactile sensations of the shower -- the warmth of the water, the individual jets of water hitting me, the smooth soap gliding across my skin.  And oh...my...God.  I mean, we all know that showers are nice and all, but how often do we notice how completely fucking amazing they are? (And I don't think I need to point out how this close attention to sensory pleasures has a similar super-charging effect on sex.)

So my wish for you this Tuesday, dear reader, is a shower of your own that is completely fucking amazing.

Brave Reader Will Watch Porn On Your Behalf, aka Someone's In The Kitchen With Dinah

"I hate porn in general because of the lack of plot, stupid fake tits and scary fingernails that you shouldn't be wielding around soft body parts," writes Miss Kitler of West Virginia. "I also hate it because no one looks like they're REALLY having a good time and you cannot convince me that gagging is 'pleasurable.'"

Well, Miss Kitler, I think many of could agree with that assessment (and if you don't, send us an irate e-mail immediately). Porn films commonly feature actors joylessly pounding away, as though the act is giving them about 75% less stimulation than it should and they have to hammer at it all the more strenuously to make up for it.  And don't even get us started on the girls and their passionless moaning. "Oh yeah, that feels so good," they groan dully, in a depressingly poor approximation of real sexual desire.

Does good porn exist? Let's find out. Brave Miss Kitler is going to watch some porn for us, specifically Fluid: Women Redefining Sexuality from our favorite purveyors of smut, Good Vibrations, and report back on her findings. Why do we have high hopes for this particular film?

What Is The Best Make-Out Music? Let's Ask Damone. He's The Coolest Guy In School.

...And Bad Make-Out Music

Ever hear the song Don't Trust Me by 3Oh!3? It goes, "Shush, girl, shush your lips/Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips." Now, I'm sure Helen Keller was quite a foxy lady and all, but dude, mentioning Helen Keller in a song automatically makes it Bad Make-Out Music.

What makes for Bad Make-Out Music? It depends.  Some songs are just plain upsetting. This includes songs like the music from Jeopardy! the Jonas Brothers catalog, anything performed by Alvin and the Chipmunks and The Hokey Pokey. Other cases are more complicated. Dueling Banjos is Bad Make-Out Music because it was in that one scene in "Deliverance."

Any song that involves the term "making love" (or, for that matter, "makin' love") is immediately on the list.  Meaning, there shall be no playing of Roberta Flack's Feel Like Makin' Love nor any Bad Company's Feel Like Makin' Love. Songs that reference icky-sounding people having sex makes for Bad Make-Out Music.  This includes 70's hits like the Starland Vocal Band's Afternoon Delight and Captain and Tennille's Do That To Me One More Time.

Most older TV theme songs are off-limits as well. The theme from "Friends"?  Not good. The theme from "Sanford and Son"?  Uh-uh. The song from "The Facts of Life"?  No way, despite the not-irrelevant presence of George Clooney in later seasons.    

Oh, there are plenty of elements that automatically make for Bad Make-Out Music.  This includes any talk of the U.S of A., barking dogs as lead singers, tubas and/or bagpipes, and the entire genre of bluegrass.  And while we're at it, we'd add all white supremacist music, songs titled "Lady" and music in which--at any point--the singer switches from singing to spoken word.

This knowledge did not come easily. I once had a U2/Smiths-loving beau and when he came over to my dorm room for some making out (aka "makin' out"), I put on a DeBarge cassette tape. Cue sound of: wah, wah-wah, wah.  It was, to use the parlance of the time, a "totally gay" choice.  The shame of it still burns.

And you?  What's on your Bad Make-Out Music list? Did anyone ever put on Bad Make-Out music to make out with you? Or did you ever put on Bad Make-Out Music? Be honest, now, I told you about DeBarge. It's your turn. Comment below or drop us an e-mail.

Friday Mail Bag

The mail's here! Let's see what our increasingly disgruntled postal worker has brought today.

(shown in photo: mail carrier nervously speeding away from our house)


One reader, reflecting upon the giant papier-mache-looking V in a previous post wrote, "There's something about the fact that it seems to be built onto a bicycle, and there's this bored, bizarrely-dressed woman standing there, like she's resting from a cross-Europe vagina awareness tour. Also, I wonder if maybe there are prizes inside." Egad!  Prizes? Like a pinata? Oh, but what would these "prizes" be?  I shudder to think.

Another reader reported that looking at In Bed With Married Women inspired a "night of love" with her husband (and, in all fairness, no, she did not use a phrase so icky as that). I am a little perplexed at what might have been the source of arousal. Was it the giant papier-mache-looking V, the treatise on the female condom, or, god forbid, the post on the anal ring toss game?  Perhaps she will be good enough to report back. This blog is about sex, but I don't know that it's horribly sexy. What do you think? Has In Bed affected your sex life, for good or for evil? E-mail us or pop a comment down there at the bottom of the post. (Attention Fellow Oldsters:  to comment, push the button there that says "comment" and a form should pop up for you.)

New Contest! Do your other blogs treat you this nice? I think not.

In this one, reader is pitted against reader in a gory mellee of previously dignified ladies fighting it out for a fabulous prize and the glory of winning an unmentionable prize.  Your task:  spread the word about In Bed With Married Women.   Your winnings, should you choose to accept this challenge: Your very own Club Vibe from Good Vibrations, the cool San Francisco, girl-friendly purveyors of sex toys.  

The Club Vibe (a $69 value, mind you--no cheap sex toys, for you, dear reader) is some sort of magical device that responds to sounds.  You can plug it into your MP3 player or iPhone and it pulses to the beat of the music. (I am actually kind of afraid of plugging it into my iPhone.  I already like my iPhone excessively and if it were satisfying me sexually as well, I might just run off with it to an Italian villa.) The Club Vibe also can be set to respond to ambient noise so, as the breathless ad copy suggests, you could "Let the sound of your lover's voice wash over you in waves of ecstasy." Hopefully your lover would get into the proper spirit of things and whisper sweet words of hotness, unlike me who would be compelled to pretend it was a microphone and say something horribly inappropriate such as "Clean up on Aisle 3!"  


Anyway, people seem to like this thing--a lot.  One highly pleased user wrote, "At the gym, the stationary bicycle became an exercise in desire. And nobody even wondered why I was sweating and gasping for air! Also, with the Club Vibe firmly clipped to my hip, the supermarket never seemed so sexy."  I don't know if I am pleased or disturbed to imagine that while I am idly scanning the cover of US Weekly, the other women in the supermarket line are secretly having intimate moments.  ("Honey, we need more bread..."  "I'll go!  I'll go!")


It could be you at the grocery store rocking out with your Club Vibe.  To win, you must gather the most new fans for Facebook's In Bed With Married Women page.  You have from now--right this second--until noon on Friday, April 16 (Pacific time).  If you are vehementally anti-Facebook, and that is certainly understandable, you can also send people directly to this blog, instructing them to let me know that you sent them (have them provide your e-mail address as well).


Btw, if you want to just skip all that work and just order the damn thing for yourself, click right here.

What's Your "Not Tonight" Signal?

Trailers for two recent movies both feature the silent "no sex tonight" signals that wives display for their husbands.

In "Date Night," it's the Wearing of the Mouth Guard:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSV4Y2l7JQg

In "Extract," it's the Donning of the Sweatpants:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzJI08YUNik

I love this idea of the non-verbal no-sex signals from an anthropological aspect. For example, an obscure spider in the rain forest might signal their lack of interest by biting the head off their would-be suitor.  But humans generally have to be a bit more subtle.  So I ask you, human reader: what's your no sex signal?

Since I'm asking you such a personal question, I'll go first. I have two: One is pointedly saying, "Wow! I am soooo tired tonight.  I just can't WAIT to be asleep!"  The other is feigned obtuseness--that is, pretending not to recognize any signals from a certain husband.  These signals are not acknowledged aloud.

That is, they weren't until I just now revealed my secret female tricks to the world--crap!  New secret signals needed--STAT! Dear reader, needing your imput immediately...

True Wife's Tale #2: "Mara," Former Wild Child Goes All Suburbia

Our second true wife's tale comes from the gorgeous Mara, who says, "I'm just a regular mom, incest survivor, recovering topless dancer." Now that she's fully ensconced in suburbia, the only tell to her racy past is her penchant for wearing heels with shorts.

Her only request on this interview:  "Just keep it real."  Well, Ms. Mara, consider it done.  Except that Mara isn't even her name.  And her husband now magically has a completely different job.  And a fake name.  (Lies!  I'm full of lies!)  I did let Mara pick her husband's new name. "How about Ken?" she said. "It sounds like a porn name." And that's a good a reason as any, I guess. Everything else in the story is true, btw, so be don't worrying your pretty little head about it.  To read Mara's story, click here.

For those who just joined us, True Wife's Tales are a place for women to tell the truth about what's really going on in their sex lives.  The idea being:  knowledge = power.  If you would like to tell your own story, click here, little missy.

Mail Bag

Let's see what our friendly (and now-blushing) postal worker has brought today.

One reader was inspired by the post on the anal ring toss toy. "Hilarious," she wrote, piquing our interest immediately. "I actually googled 'Who invented the anal ring toss.' I needed to know the story of the guy--because it's a guy, I'm sure--who invented it. Couldn't find anything. Darn. But what I did find while searching was almost as funny to me. I need to explore these web sites more--check this out:  The Pony Head Bridle Set. Here I feel so knowledgeable, but I didn't know this existed."

[editor's note:  I don't want to ruin the mood, but that "plume" looks suspiciously like a feather duster.  And did anyone else notice how much it is?  $275-335!  Although, as the ad copy boldly claims (and who's going to argue, really?): "You could search the finest stables in the world for the rest of your life and never find a bridle set as intricate and beautiful as this one."  If you're one of those matchy-matchy types, you can also buy the Stainless Steel Horse Hair Anal Plug for only $99 (much better than the old-fashioned asbestos anal plugs).  And if you have an extra $1000 burning a hole in your pocket, the also-advertised Slave Driver Fucking Machine might be worth it just for the name alone.]
The next reader was hesitant to enter our contest (see last post) lest she actually win the I Dare You: 30 Sealed Seductions card game.  "You see, seduction is not a problem in our house.  I try to avoid it, if you

WAY Better Than Those Free Grocery Store Samples

Due to my corporate shillery for Good Vibrations sex toys, they have now made me an official "Product Reviewer."  This is probably not something I will put on my resume, but it does mean they send me lots of stuff for review.  And, as delightful as it would be to have an extra room festooned with various colored dildos and the like, I am willing to share the sex swag wealth with you, gentle reader.

Here's the deal, the first two people to respond will get one of the following products pictured below.  In return, you report back to us what you thought.  (Be truthful, don't be a big corporate kiss-up like me.) Now, Good Vibrations has all kinds of gyrating phallic things with buttons, multi-speeds and alarming-looking prongs, but we're gonna ease into all this.

First up for grabs is:

I Dare You--30 Sealed Seductions card game.  The cards are written by "sexpert" (and yes, it does pain me a little to use that word--thanks for asking) Susie Bright and contain activities for you and your partner to enjoy.  We are presuming that said activities are indeed seductive and not like, "Watch TV all night together while barely acknowledging each other's presence."

Female condom, where art thou?

Ahhhh, remember the female condom?  Yeah, neither do I.  The poor old female condom seems like one of those ideas that got lost in time, like Esperanto or getting Americans to understand the metric system.  I mean, did any of you ever use a female condom?  Or even see one?  (If so, do tell.)

It's not much of a mystery why we aren't all using female condoms on a daily basis.  (Although I personally am wearing one right now.  You know, just in case.)  According to the Wikipedia entry on female condoms (because I am willing to spend minutes on research for you, dear reader), "reported 'rustling' sounds during intercourse turn off some potential users, as does the visibility of the outer ring which remains outside of the vagina."  Yes, the rubbery thing hanging out your nether regions seems like it would be a deal-breaker for most people, especially since the instructions for the contraceptive warn that the device should be hanging out at least an inch.  Yes, hanging out there an inch, flapping in the breeze.  Promotional materials also note that the female condom can be put in early. Perhaps as a way to pre-tease you lover via rustling sounds and the obvious visual.  "Damn girl, is that what I think it is hanging out your pants?"  As if all this weren't enough--and believe me, I think it is--the name given female condoms by the FDA is "vaginal pouches."

The odd coda to all this that Female Health Company (FHC), the maker of female condoms, was just named 8th in the top 100 fastest growing publicly traded small companies by Fortune.  How can this be?    Well, it seems we have been distributing massive amounts to women in developing countries, like a mean big sister handing down clothing rejects.  "Here, these are totally lame.  But you might like them."

And btw, if all this talk of female condoms is making you hot, they're still available here in America from Good Vibrations.

Would you, could you, in a boat?

Do you talk, really talk, about your sex life with your friends?

As research for my book, I have been asking women this very question--yes, you would be wise to avoid me on the school yard--and have found that it's split about 50/50.  Some women have told me that they know a lot, maybe even too much, about their friends' sex lives.  Others would sooner strip naked at the PTA meeting than discuss anything like that.

Yeah, sex is beautiful and personal and all that, but why are some of us so loathe to talk about it?  I just happen to have a theory/manifesto about that.  See it for yourself right here.

Have sex, save money on Depends. It's a win-win thing.

If you are having trouble getting into the mood, picture this...if you dare: the future version of you wearing a big ol' pair of adult diapers.  Yes, adult diapers, while undoubtedly quite convenient, look really really bad under even the finest of jeans.  You can avoid such a fate simply by having some sex now and then.   Having frequent sex helps tighten the muscles of the pelvic floor, according to Newsweek, although they don't mention why they would happen to know this.  Tighter pelvic muscles means less peeing in the pants, and who, really, wants that?  (Yes, I know some of you do.  If so, I would direct you to Google using the search terms "pee" and "fetish."  You might, btw, want to switch your computer to private browsing for that particular search.)

But we digress, the point here is more sex = less peeing in your pants.   Feel like doing it now?  Yeah, I thought so.

True Wife's Tale #1: "Ally" and The Lifestyle

Our first true wife's tale is from "Ally," a 37 year-old woman who found that her secret to a good married sex life was not, say, taking a lively evening class at the community college, but embracing The Lifestyle. "We get to explore a lot of our fantasies," says Ally. "Some people never get to do that and get frustrated. I think that’s why some people end up getting divorced or having affairs. Shoot, if couples do it together, they can both have fun," she says jauntily.

In Bed: The logistics of two couples all having to agree on each other seems daunting. If everyone else seems interested in getting together but you aren’t, do you go ahead with it anyway?

Ally: Have I ever taken one for the team? NO. I’m not going to play with a guy just so Mark can play with a girl he really likes. There are plenty of times we've been approached by another couple and the girl's really hot, but then I look at the guy and I'm like, “Aw, HELL no!”

In Bed: Have you had any bad experiences with the lifestyle?

Ally: There have been times where the guy I'm with is going at it too hard, like too fast or too deep and I didn't say, “It’s hurting.” I told Mark after the fact and he said, “You need to tell the guy to back off.” There always needs to be communication for this to work. For example, I enjoy anal sex, the back door. Mark makes sure that the guy asks if it’s okay first and doesn’t just go for it. It's a courtesy factory.

In Bed: Rule note: Always ask courteously before going for the back door.

Ally: Mark’s well-endowed lengthwise, so he’s got to be careful because it hurts. He needs to ask the girl if she’s okay. Some guys are into butt-slapping, pulling on the hair, things like that. I always make sure Mark’s okay with that. There’s only been one time that he spoke up during the act. The guy was into choking. Mark’s actually done a little of that to me, nothing major, nothing hardcore. It’s supposed to affect a woman’s orgasms. But the guy was doing it quite a bit, to the point where Mark was quite fearful for my life. Mark said, “Hey, seriously, dude back off on that.” The guy was very respectful and stopped. It was one of the things that guy likes to do, but it’s not necessarily what works with all women.

In Bed: How were you introduced to “the lifestyle”?

Ally: Mark and I were talking to our friends about some of our sexual fantasies. We were talking about being with other people and it evolved into, “What if we four got together and tried to play?”

In Bed: How did you bring it up in the first place? Someone has to go out there on a limb...

Ally: There were steps that led up to it. There would be times that we’d be together, drinking a bit and we’d maybe do a little touching and feeling and kissing. It finally led up to the whole thing of clothes coming off and having sex together. But our first time was kind of a disaster. We didn't know how to approach each other and who should do what.

In Bed: Did the friendship stay intact?

Ally: Yes, but it was awkward. Seeing each other after it was like, “Okay, now what do we do? We’ve seen each other naked and had sex.” Nowadays we don’t cross the line with friends. We made it a rule that we don’t play with friends or coworkers--that's a big no-no.

In Bed: Is that a general rule in the lifestyle or your own rule?

Ally: It’s our own rule, but other people have it too. With friends, there can be jealousy--someone hears more noises coming from the other couple, whatever. You don’t want to have that coming into a friendship. And with coworkers, word gets around and you’re looked at kind of weird. If we have any of Mark’s coworkers over to our house, people will be like, “OOOOhhh, they’re going over to Mark and Ally’s!” They assume automatically that because someone’s hanging out with us, something’s going on.

In Bed: Okay, so you had your first awkward encounter, but it was compelling enough to give it another try.

Ally: After we got married, Mark was out of town a lot on business. We decided to give each other an opportunity to explore other things while we were apart. One of our fantasies was to pick up a stranger and have a one-night stand. I got together with a couple of people, but Mark lucked out only once. Poor little guy! (laughs) He’s Mr. Shy. He always tells me, “It’s just so hard for me to go up and say something to some girl at a bar.” But he finally did and was so excited about it, he called me the next day. I thought it was going to be a one-stand stand--a “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am” thing. But when he called, he was still at her house, hanging out and watching NASCAR. It made me totally jealous and upset. I realized that separate play wasn’t for us.

In Bed: So how did you find other people who were into the lifestyle?

Things really opened up for us when Mark got a new job and we moved near San Francisco. We were away from our friends and family and felt more at ease about trying things. We looked into swinger’s clubs. They are usually a house turned into a club. You bring your own alcohol and they have jacuzzis and pool tables. There's a DJ playing music, so you dance and get to know people that way. If you want, you can go in a room and play with your partner and other people watch you. They can join in or not, or you can join in with somebody else. It's all about asking and getting permission. They have strict rules about things. If you don’t follow them, you get kicked out. One organization called Pleasure Zone threw parties in different restaurants. After the restaurant closed, they brought in a DJ and took it over.

(In Bed trying desperately to rid mind of sudden unbidden, and thankfully unspoken, thoughts of restaurant tables, sanitation issues and the breakfast rush.)

Ally: After each time with a couple, we’d discuss it and new rules would come up. This whole thing is a learning process. Every couple has their own rules. We know one couple who doesn’t believe in kissing on the lips. They think it's too personal.

In Bed: Tell me some of your rules.

Ally: Certain sexual positions are only between the two of us. We have to play in the same room. One, because we enjoy watching each other with another person. And two, safety--just to make sure things don’t get out of control.

In Bed: Did you ever have to break up with a couple

Ally: There was a couple that we used to play with, but we had to put an end to it. A couple times, all four of us were in bed naked and their child ran in and jumped in bed with us. I didn’t feel that the child should be exposed that young to stuff like that. We want to be friends, but we won't do anything again.

In Bed: How do you meet couples?

Ally: Lifestyle Lounge has been the best thing that’s happened to us. [note: If you're interested, click here.] You put up a picture and a profile, with what you like and what you’re looking for in a couple. We look for people who love the outdoors. We have a boat, we love to have barbecues and play Wii.

In Bed: Do you ever meet a couple that's just not that into you?

Ally: Yeah, we went to a Halloween party and there was a couple that we started talking to. We got along fine and we thought there was something there. But when we’d run into them in another room, they’d talk a little bit, then walk away. We were like, “Oo-kay.”

In Bed: At least you have someone to commiserate with in your misery. Do either of you find yourselves developing love feelings?

Ally: No, we’ve been able to separate it. It’s sexual play, it’s fantasy. And we always talk afterward about how things felt. I might say something like, “His angles were good" or Mark might tell me the girl was good at sucking him off. It could make me jealous but when he tells me what she did, it actually helps me. I ask, “What did you enjoy? Do you want me to do more of that?” It’s a whole thing that adds to us later on. We end the night by playing with each other so that we reconnect. We use that energy from earlier--that whole sexual energy and excitement of it all and put it between the two of us. It just makes us that much closer. Yeah, a couple may turn us on sexually and we get aroused and have orgasm and so forth, but the emotional part is between the two of us. '

In Bed: What do you think your marriage would be like if you didn’t have this outlet?

Ally: I think we would probably have a lot of issues if I had to stick with one man. Some people are turned on by watching porn or role playing or whatever. We’re turned on by being with other people. Just being around the sounds and the sights and the smells of things is a major turn-on for us.

The lifestyle is not for everybody, although I think it could be. We get to explore a lot of our fantasies. Some people never get to do that and get frustrated. I think that’s why people end up getting divorced or having affairs. Shoot, if couples do it together, they can both have fun.

What does this say about the state of married sex? I don't know, but it doesn't seem good.

I am plagued by unanswered questions about this Tweety Bird found on a nightshirt at KMart. What's with the jutting out hip? Is Tweety trying to be sexy? If so, is this designed to inflame the passions of a lover? And if your lover is indeed inflamed by the provocative Tweety, isn't that a problem of its own? Your input, please.